*

"N-no, stop, stop, stop!"

I awoke with a loud scream, bolting upright in my small twin-sized bed. My pajamas and hair stuck uncomfortably to my sweat-slicked flesh, and my chest heaved up and down from my hysteric breathing. It was just a dream, I reminded myself. I checked the clock at my bedside. 3:49am. I drew my knees to my chest and allowed my burning face to slump into my shaky palms. My dream replayed over and over again in my mind, and I felt terror wash over me all over again. Tears spilled from my eyes as my shoulders shook from the weight of my sobs. I grabbed my pillow and pressed my face into it, not wanting to wake the kids. It would scare them to see me like this. I cried until my eyes felt incapable of producing more tears, and then I got out of bed. Since I wasn't going to be getting any more sleep, I climbed out of bed and tied my hair up into a messy bun on top of my head, pinning my bangs out of the way. The rush of cool air against the back of my neck felt wonderful. I then quickly stripped my damp pajamas from my body and sat on the edge of my bed, looking down at my body. My ivory skin was unblemished, not a single flaw upon the smooth flesh. However, I could still pinpoint where each and every bruise was made was that night, as well as the varying shades of color they became. I also could pinpoint exactly where my dozens of thick scars were located on my back, the remnants of deep lacerations inflicted that night. Every night since that night has been like this. I even had a towel and some wet wipes I kept in my nightstand to clean off the cold sweats I almost always woke up in, and I took advantage of that now that I had cooled off a bit. I wiped down my body and dried my skin before putting on fresh undergarments and skimpy pajamas. I debated about attempting to sleep some more, but the mere thought of sleep sent a cold shiver down my spine. I decided that even if I didn't sleep, I should at least rest my body, though. So, I laid down on top of my sheets and allowed the cold air to bite at all my exposed flesh while I relaxed my body. My chocolate gaze remained unfocused as I stared numbly at my ceiling. The horrific dream kept playing through my mind, and it was driving me crazy. I couldn't relax with the memory of such intense pain fresh in my mind. Sighing, I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed my cellphone. I usually tried not to look at it once it got past a certain hour at night (I read it keeps you awake, which is the last thing I needed), but this was a dire circumstance. Flipping it open, I was greeted with a glowing picture of a certain voluptuous brunette donning an adorable chocolate pixie cut that I remembered trimming myself. She was smiling at the camera, clearly in the middle of a good laugh. I smiled sadly at the photo, feeling tears drip off the sides of my face as my bottom lip began to quiver.

"Naomi," I whispered. "I love you so much." More tears began to fall as I continued, "I wish I could tell you the truth about what happened that night."

I cried silently and stared at the blurred image of Naomi through my tears. Finally, I closed my phone and set it aside to charge before wiping at my eyes. There were only a few more hours until I had to get up for school, and I decided it would be best to simply stay awake until then. To pass the time, I closed my eyes and imagined the love of my life by my side. Only in my own imagination could Naomi and I ever be together, and I made the most of my own creativity. I imagined Naomi and I were married, and every time I woke up from a nightmare she was right there to comfort me.

"Did you have a bad dream, sweetheart?" Naomi asked sweetly, holding my head to her breasts and petting my hair. I nodded, sniffling as I cried quietly. She continued, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's the same dream again," I mumbled against her collarbone. Naomi held me noticably tighter.

"You're safe here with me, Seiko, my love," she reassured me. When I didn't respond, she added softly, "Would you like me to take your mind off of it for you?"

"Y-yes please," I replied in a small voice, blushing. Naomi smiled and rolled me over onto my back so she could climb over top.

"I'll make sure you forget everything bad," she whispered in a seductive tone before lowering her lips to my exposed collarbone. I moaned softly, threading my fingers through her hair.

"Oh, Naomi..."

"That's it, baby. Keep saying my name. That's all you need to think about," she told me before lowering her lips to address my dripping womanhood. When had I become naked? As Naomi's tongue dipped into my entrance, I decided I didn't care.

"N-Naomi!" I gasped, my fingers flexing against her scalp and pulling at her soft locks. "Ah, Naomi! Oh, yes, yes!" I practically was melting beneath her touch, writhing and rolling my hips to the rhythm of her tongue. Her name spilled from my lips over and over as mind-numbing pleasure sparked through my entire being. She was right; before long, all I knew was her and her name. Naomi was my sun, and her love seared itself into my flesh. Pleasure tingled throughout my body, and I felt a familiar sensation coiling in the pit of my stomach.

"Hng, N-Naomi, I'm g-getting close...!"

I felt Naomi giggle against me before pulling away momentarily to reply with, "Already? I barely got started with you, sweetheart~"

I couldn't even think clearly enough to respond correctly. Words simply fell from my parted lips unbidden, not giving me any time to filter myself. "Don't stop, Naomi! Please! Keep going! I-I'm...oh god don't stop Naomi I'm going to come - !"

"Ah!"

For the second time that night, I woke up sweating and breathing heavy. Funny, I didn't even remember falling asleep. I glanced at my clock, frowning as the numbers 5:04 flashed back at me. I couldn't tell which was worse: waking up from a horrific nightmare with no one to comfort me or waking up super horny with no one to help me take care of it. I knew I could always do it myself, but since the incident I haven't been able to so much as imagine myself in a sexual position with anyone. Prior to the incident, it was easy to imagine being with Naomi in that way, but now the thought makes me sick. If I am fantasizing, I never conciously let it become anything sexual. The only times it does are when I fall asleep while fantasizing like I did tonight. The truth is that I really didn't think I deserved to be with anyone in that way anymore, let alone someone as special as Naomi. I tried my best not to indulge in those thoughts. So, I will simply endure the deep aching loneliness that I feel and wait for the feelings to pass.

For at least half an hour I laid there, silently staring at the ceiling while thinking of nothing and everything all at once. I really wished time would move faster so I could just get on with my day. I really, really wished I could see my friends right now. They gave me strength. I really, really, really wished that I could see Naomi's smile. Her smile cleansed me. After what had happened, the feeling of being filthy never left no matter how hard I scrubbed at my skin in the shower. Yet, when Naomi smiled at me, I finally felt the satisfaction of being clean and untouched for a single sweet moment. I could never feel that way for longer than that because that's exactly how long it took me to be reminded of why I cannot and will not be with her, ever. I am far too filthy.

There's a difference between being perverted and being filthy. I hoped my perversion hid my filth.

I couldn't take it. Everytime I dreamt of those rough hands on me it was just as vivid as when it actually happened. When I felt those grimy fingers on me once again, it was like I was freshly reminded of how filthy I was. It was getting to be too much in this moment. Dragging myself out of bed, I noticed I had half an hour before I needed to get up. That made me more relaxed; I had time to be as thorough as possible. Hoping it didn't wake my family, I walked to the bathroom, stripped down, and got in the shower. As I always did nowadays, I turned up the heat until it felt like my flesh might burn right off. It hurt, but I needed it to hurt. I needed to imagine it was burning the filth off of me. Taking a simple washcloth, I rubbed and rubbed at my skin until it was red and raw. I knew it wouldn't take away the feeling of being dirty, but that filth was unbearable. I had to try, otherwise, I could never face anyone.

Once I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off, my skin felt incredibly tender. Upon further examination, I realized it was extremely dry and cracking in multiple places. Vigorously, I rubbed scented lotion into my skin to futher distract from the filth that continued to plague me despite the fact that I had just showered. I wrapped my towel around my body and carefully combed my long, silky strands. I used to love my hair, the feeling of combing and styling it every day. Now, just the slightest tug of the comb reminded me of the way my hair was pulled as unspeakable things were done to me. I usually dumped excessive quantities of leave in conditioner and de-tangling spray into my hair to prevent any tugging, but as the comb hit a knot (luckily I was moving slowly enough that it didn't tug) I realized I forgot to do that amongst all my vigorous scrubbing. Checking the clock, I quickly decided that I didn't have time to wash my hair again, do the treatment, and then style it. So, with shaky hands I piled my hair on top of my head in a messy bun, hoping it looked stylishly loose. I didn't have time to conceal the bags under my eyes, either; I went way overboard with my shower time. Then, I got dressed for school, made breakfast for the kids (I didn't have an appetite myself), grabbed my school bag and dashed outside to meet Naomi at our usual spot. Images from my dream flashed through my mind, and I shook my head violently. I didn't want to face Naomi with a head full of filth. I was filthy enough. To maintain the perfect level of perversion that made it seem as if nothing had changed, I had to erase all sexual intent from my mind. I did it purely just to make Naomi laugh a bit, or maybe just cheer her up. She always found our dynamic secretly enjoyable, albeit a tad embarassing for her. As I saw her at our spot with her back to me, I jogged lightly to reach her since I knew I was running a bit behind.

"Naomi! Thanks for waiting for me!" I called out as I ran. She turned around to face the source of the voice, smiling when she saw me. There it was. A feeling of total relief washed over me, and for a moment, I felt like the old Seiko Shinohara again.

Just as quickly as it came, though, it disappeared as the demon inside me spat upon the false cleanliness I had previously felt.

All the pain and filth rushed back, and this time, it stuck despite the smile that Naomi had plastered on her face.

"Of course I waited! We always walk together!" she said, laughing. Warm brown eyes studied me for a moment before meeting my gaze. "What's up with your hair, Seiko? I've never seen you wear it like that...and your eyes! Did you sleep at all? You look exhausted!"

Giving her a cheeky smile, I replied, "Just trying something new! Going for a more casual, effortless look like those celebrities like to wear. How'd I do?"

Naomi chuckled. "Honestly? You look like you literally put zero effort into it. Did you oversleep again?"

The exact opposite, actually, I thought. Launching myself forward so that I could stuff my face between Naomi's breasts and wrap my arms around her back, I let out a fake wail. "Naomi~! So mean to me~!"

"C-cut it out Seiko, we're going to be late!" Naomi stammered, flushed but still grinning at my antics. Giving a fake pouting face, I reluctantly agreed.

"Alright..." I conceded. I released her and we began silently walking to school. Naomi kept sneaking peeks at me the whole time, though. "What is it? Do I have something on my face?" I inquired with a jovial laugh as I turned my head to face Naomi. Naomi squeaked at being caught staring, her face flushed red.

"N-no, it's just...I've never seen you with all your hair pulled back. Y-you look...really pretty." Naomi's expression shifted from embarassed to concerned. "Although, I am worried about those bags under your eyes."

"Don't you fret, babe! I am A-Ok, one hundred percent fine! Just had a rough night with the kids is all," I lied. Naomi nodded.

"Ah, I see. Must be hard trying to parent at the age of sixteen," Naomi mused. I gave a light-hearted laugh.

"Yeah, it can definitely get very, very stressful sometimes," I admitted. "You make it a lot easier to handle, though!"

Naomi raised an eyebrow as she looked at me with a curious twinkle in her eyes. I couldn't help but notice how the slight wind tousled her choppy haircut, blowing the chocolate strands around her pretty face. "How so?"

I gave her my signature cat-like grin. "Ever heard of stress balls?" I raised my hands in a groping motion as I stared hungrily at her ample chest. "You've got the two best ones on the market!"

Naomi squeaked as she crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "T-they aren't on the market!"

I raised an eyebrow as my grin widened. "Oh? Are you sure?" As I slipped a hand under her crossed arms—interesting, they weren't crossed very tightly—I found my goal with practiced swiftness. Giving her soft breast a nice squeeze, I giggled. "Yup, I can feel my stress melting away!"

"Seiko!" Naomi whined as I pinned her arms in place (loosely, so she could break free whenever she wanted) with one hand and groped her repeatedly with the other. Her breasts were so soft, even the slight hindrance of her bra couldn't hide it. "S-Seiko! Cut that o-out! Hey!"

I glanced up at her face, and immediately my stomach dropped. Her eyes were squeezed shut tightly, and her face was scrunched up as she yelled. Some could consider it an erotic expression, but all I saw was pain, pain and discomfort and the desire to just make it stop.

Make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop—

I stumbled backwards, falling onto my bottom as my legs gave out. I kept seeing her expression in my mind, wondering if she had always looked like that, if the others had watched her suffer from my actions while I obliviously tortured her. I had always groped her from behind. I was despicable...I was...

My mouth moved on its own as my throat choked out one small phrase.

"I'm just like them."

My body trembled and my blood ran cold. I saw nothing, though my eyes were open and unblinking. My stomach heaved in disgust at myself. Suddenly, though, I was ripped from my thoughts as something warm brushed my cheek. I blinked once, twice, three times—I lost count after that. When my vision finally cleared, I saw Naomi looking at me with a concerned expression as her hand cupped my cheek. She was talking, but I couldn't hear her. I couldn't hear a word she said because as I looked down, I saw the filth all over me, I saw the black, tar-like substance dripping from legs, my arms, seeping into my clothes—it was everywhere.

I looked up at Naomi, and I felt all the blood drain from my face. All over her were dark bruises. Blood dripped off her beautiful face, gushing from the large cut across her forehead. No, no, not her too, not her, anyone but her, please!

Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head. It overpowered every thought I was having in that moment and demanded silence as it said the phrase that made my heart stop beating.

"How could you say that when you're the one that did this?"

I forced my stiff jaw to move as I croaked in a hoarse voice, "Get away from me."

Naomi shook her head, and I saw new bruises appear along her collarbone. My resolve strengthened. With a low, serious tone, I said, "Get away from me right now."

Naomi only moved closer. As she leaned farther forward, her shirt dipped, and I could see into it. Around her breast was a bruise in the shape of a handprint. I did do this. I did this to her.

"Get off me!" I screamed. My voice was raw, animalistic, and out of control. I doubted she could even make out the words I just said, but my desperation but have scared her. She stumbled back, releasing me. That was all I needed.

Not even stopping to pick up my schoolbag, I got up and ran back to my house as fast as I could. This time, I did hear Naomi.

"Seiko! Come back! Seikooo!"

Although I thought my heart stopped working before, I knew that wasn't possible now as my heart clenched painfully at the despair and confusion in her voice. Endlessly apologizing to her in my head, I threw open the door to my house and ran inside, quickly locking the door. I felt like bursting into tears, only barely holding myself together until now. Just as I was about to break, I noticed the three figures in our modest kitchen. All my younger siblings were staring at me as they ate breakfast, most likely wondering why their older sister was acting so panicked. I decided that my breakdown would have to wait. Swallowing around a thick lump in my throat, I forced a smile at the kids.

"Hey, troublemakers! I'm glad to see Yuu got you all got up on time," I said in the most cheerful tone I could muster.

"What are you doing home, big sis? Don't you have school?" Yuu asked, looking concerned. It hurt me to see my nine year old brother act so mature. Yuu's childhood was cut far too short, and I had been powerless to stop it no matter how hard I tried.

"Yeah, but I just remembered I had some important errands to run before you guys get home, plus some chores that I can't put off any longer," I said, feeling even worse for lying to my siblings.

"What? No fair! I wanna stay home too!" Kei complained. Yuu raised an eyebrow.

"Really? You want to help big sis with chores?"

Kei stuck out his tongue. "Bleh, no way!"

Yuu smiled victoriously. "That's what I thought."

It took all of my willpower to not break down then and there. My family was so beautiful. I hated that I had to poison it with my filth. Instead, I forced a wider grin on my face. "Sounds like you've got everything under control, Yuu. Can you take care of Kei and Aya while I go gather my things?" My voice got shaky at the end, and I mentally cursed myself for it. Yuu probably knew something was up.

Thankfully, he didn't press. "Yeah, I've got it. We were going to leave in a few minutes anyway."

I wanted to say something more, maybe tell my siblings that I love them and give them all kisses on the cheek before they left, but all I could get out without breaking my smile and losing it was, "Great." I went upstairs to where my room was as calmly and casually as I could, but the urge to sprint was intense. When I finally, finally made it to my room, I barely got the door shut before the first broken sob erupted from my lips. I dashed for a pillow and stuffed my face in it, praying with all my might it muffled the noise as I cried and wailed incontrollably.

I can't believe I let Naomi see me like that. I can't believe I lost it in front of her. She is the last person I would want to see that, but she saw, and she saw everything.

All my hard work had gone to waste. All my effort I used to keep her from being suspicious was for nothing. Naomi had seen the me I worked so very hard to hide, and now I would lose the woman I loved forever.

I deserved this, though. For everything I had done to her, I couldn't believe she had been by my side this long. She must've pitied me. There's no other explaination for why she endured my harassment for so long. She must have pitied me and my home situation. Naomi was the kindest person I had ever known, after all.

That thought brought on a whole new wave of sobbing. The only person who could even tolerate my crazy personality was now gone. Worse still, I was the one that ran away from her. It was my fault. Everything was my fault.

Upon having this revelation, I realized I could never tell anyone about what happened. After all...

That was my fault, too.