Chapter 1: We're going to break the world

I don't own 'Harry Potter'

As far as she was concerned, whoever said that the afterlife was a place of everlasting peace needed to be shot. Repeatedly.

Dahlia hadn't been planning on dying quite so soon after the war, and yet she still took a flash of green to the back not even three years after the end of the shitty battle that had cost their world so much.

And really, how bloody unfair was it that every time Tom-fucking-Riddle tried to kill her she survived, but some no-name wannabe Death Eater that was about as memorable as an NPC from one of Dudley's endless games actually managed to off her?

Totally unfair.

And shitty, because apparently all being the so-called 'Master of Death' granted her was the ability to interact with the arsehole that could read her mind without Legilimency – bullshit, and totally OP – so knew she had a fuck-ton of unresolved issues with certain authority figures, and end up on the receiving end of his 'brilliant' ideas to help her because she'd managed to amuse him by finding his Hallows when centuries of adventurers had failed.

So basically, Death was a sarcastic arsehole that amused himself – himself? Itself? She still wasn't completely sure on that front – by morphing into random people and characters – and she'd be the first to say seeing Death just chilling as Cloud was fucking weird – and popping up at random times to wind her up in her endless and lonely afterlife.

At least, that was all he did. Before he went to get her company.

Like she said, the bastard knew she had 'issues' when it came to people in her life – and excuse her, but calming down from a war and realising just how much their society and certain people had fucked her over hadn't exactly left her feeling all that zen towards much of anything or anyone – so decided to go in search of a couple of people that she had the most complicated feelings for.

Like Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore.

To be honest, when they first turned up she'd snapped and went on a mad tirade and raged at them for hours on end, shouting and screaming at them for every little thing she could think of. Even though she'd logically known they were all dead it hadn't stopped her from – very much enthusiastically – trying to kill them using every bit of magic she could think of, regardless of laws or ethics.

After they'd stopped freaking out – and muttering things about Lily and Kendra with terrified faces – they'd started arguing back, and to be honest that was their relationship for years.

Death thought he was funny grouping three incredibly stubborn and strong-willed people in one place without a chance of escape, but Dahlia had never felt so murderous towards him. Unsurprisingly, Snape also hated their situation and plotted how to murder the entity of Death and escape, even as she mocked him for even thinking he had the skills to do so.

So what if it was petty to take the piss out of him? Either be polite and internalise all of her feelings, or take advantage of the fact that they were all dead and let loose with her emotions without fear of reprisal?

Despite what the git thought she wasn't stupid.

Her placement with the Dursley's, her treatment at school, the fact that nobody taught her anything about magic and her family properly, being sent to her death … she hadn't held back at all.

Then of course there were the counterarguments; she had to stay with Lily's blood while they had no idea what was happening with Voldemort, how they didn't realise she was so naïve and they couldn't get involved with no proof of anything wrong, she'd been a bloody Horcrux …

Being trapped in a three-way argument for years upon years sucked balls.

Dumbledore's manipulations and passivity, Snape's inability to see past his own past, Dahlia's issues with authority and trust … the three of them were a fucking nightmare, and Death just sat back and watched it all with a look of unrepentant glee on whichever face he had at any given time.

Wanker.

"For fuck's sake, considering how many times you set me up against the fucker at school, I'm surprised you didn't want me dead at eleven! You didn't exactly protect me, did you? You could have spoken to me as a fucking person at any time, but you didn't! I was just a tool, and if I had to martyr myself to save everyone else, so fucking be it!"

As weird as it sounded, her accusing them of actively wanting her dead seemed to shock them into looking at things from her perspective for once. They'd actually looked repentant as they began to comb over their memories, and it was quite satisfying for Dahlia to see someone else realise her life wasn't all sunshine and roses for once.

Though she supposed what made it better – though infinitely worse to begin with – was Death oh-so-cheerfully taking key memories from each of them and playing them in front of everyone. Seeing the worst and most depressing memories of them all was like a sledgehammer against the wall of animosity between them. It was hard to resent someone that had experienced things in the same horrific manner as you.

Solidarity through adversity was better than nothing.

But just because they got along now didn't mean that the afterlife was calm. Oh no, that would be too easy and simple, and why would you ever want things to be calm when they could be fraught with arguments and sniping and for fuck's sake Snape, what part of don't touch my stuff do you not understand?

Dahlia Euphemia Potter was trapped with Severus Tobias Snape, a snarky bastard who never shut up about her sub-par Potions marks – which were his fault, thank you very much – and the fact that it was a good thing she'd never settled down with anyone to beget more Potters and ruin the world with her spawn.

She was also trapped with Albus Pervical Wulfric Brian Dumbledore – and really, what the fuck were his parents thinking? Inflicting a name like that on a child that couldn't defend itself had to count as some form of child abuse; that name was painful – a man that had gone through a period of self-loathing from his actions, before he came out on the other side an overly-cheerful man that looked to be smoking something illegal, and kept giving her sweets and whatnot as he gifted her with anecdotes about her ancestors and gossiped about the staff of Hogwarts when she was a student there. (Which was something she actually found hilarious, even as she still worried about his mental state.)

So yes, the afterlife was a minefield filled with traps that would cause all manner of problems if stepped on, but they'd adjusted to it. They spent their days in their weird world which now looked like a Hogsmeade cottage but with electricity – and she totally understood why Dudley was obsessed with these games now, Final Fantasy VII was awesome, and she was so close to the end, she could feel it – and they'd more or less come to terms with their situation.

They should have known.

"What the fuck?!"

Normally Severino would have barked at her by now about her language – and yeah, she called him that now, mostly because he hated Italian for some reason and it pissed him off; she found it to be glorious – or Dumbledore would have given her that disappointed look he favoured – he needed a nickname too; maybe Brian? She still didn't understand how that normal name had wound its way into his full name – but at the moment they both looked as stupefied as she felt.

Then again, being told you were going to live again was pretty fucking weird.

Apparently Death was bored again – and if there was one thing to be scared of, it was that sentence – so had decided to forego his own self-imposed rules and rip their souls from the afterlife and shove them back to the world of the living for the hell of it.

But because it would be beyond problematic if they spontaneously appeared to be alive years after they died – though Dahlia could admit the idea of how certain people would react was hilarious to think about – Death had decided that if he was going to ignore one set of rules, he might as well go for broke.

So they were going back to nineteen ninety-one.

That was supposedly the beginning of everything for them – whatever that meant – and so they were off to live it all again, just because the stupid git that had brought them here to begin with wanted more entertainment in the form of them navigating the difficulties and pitfalls of something they'd already experienced.

"Would you care to explain your reasoning for this endeavour?"

She looked to the side to see the grandfatherly smile in full force being aimed at the black mass who currently looked like a Dementor wielding a scythe for some reason. Apparently he was a fan of muggle interpretations of death. That, or he was just fucking with them again. She had a feeling he was fucking with them.

"Reasoning? I already told you, I'm bored, and seeing you three deal with living again should perk me right back up again, simple as."

"Simple as?"

Ah, there was the deep and silky voice of her formerly-hated professor. He sounded to be about a second away from bellowing in rage or throwing a curse at Death, and to be fair she couldn't really blame him. They hadn't long gotten used to being here, and to learn they would have to deal with life again was exhausting. Also, she really wanted to complete Final Fantasy; returning to life would have to wait, damn it!

"You expect us to believe your utter insanity is 'simple'? That you can just play with our lives from mere boredom and curiosity? Was it not enough to pull us into this forced life and push us towards reconciliation, now you must force us into an unknown situation one more? Do you have some sort of control fetish or something?!"

"Say it like it is, Severino," she muttered as she inspected her nails, studiously ignoring the Headmaster's look of reproach.

"Look," Death interrupted just as Snape went to open his mouth again, "you can bitch and moan all you want, but this is going to happen no matter how much you nag me. I've already decided and this is going to happen very shortly.

"Think of it this way: there are so many things you can change and people you can save. You know everything about Voldemort and his actions, you know about the Chamber of Secrets, hell, you three even know about certain Death Eaters and people that are alive at that point in time."

There was silence for a moment as they digested the strangely serious and truthful words that made sense. Too much sense. Death was an arsehole that delighted in causing trouble way too much to be helpful.

Dahlia looked at him and raised a brow. "And?"

"And I can't wait to see you three suffer and fuck up. Have fun!"

Before she could scream and shout any number of profanities at the bastard, she felt the floor open up beneath her and she fell down into blackness.

I'm going to kill him.

Dahlia groaned and rolled over, all the while taking the opportunity to curse Death at least six different ways in each of the four languages she knew – hey, of course she was going to take advantage of being trapped in the afterlife with Albus Dumbledore – before she rolled into the wall. Hard.

"Ow."

She gingerly lifted her head and blinked rapidly at the lack of sight, realising it was both dark and she was missing her glasses. Trying to use her pitiful blind-as-a-bat eyesight in the dark would be an exercise in futility, so she reached out and started feeling her way around wherever she was.

Upon reaching a familiar metal grate she froze, mentally counting to ten and back before she did something like scream. Or ram her head against the wall. She was sorely tempted though. This can't be happening. Nope, no fucking away, not happening.

Repeating her inner mantra over and over again didn't seem to be helping, and she could feel her heart rate pick up at the knowledge that she really was where she thought.

The cupboard under the stairs.

"Fuck."

Dahlia huffed and flopped back on the pitiful duvets that she used as a mattress and stared – or looked in the vague direction of – the ceiling of the cupboard. Of all the shitty places she could have ended up, why did it have to be here? She knew Death had a shitty sense of humour, but she thought he would have done something like dump her in the middle of a high-tension situation and have her have to deal with everything at once. Like the troll. Though the more she thought about it, she probably would have had a panic attack and fucked things beyond all recognition.

… Maybe it was a good thing she didn't end up in the middle of the troll debacle.

There we go, there's the – spectacularly tiny – silver lining. She supposed she was lucky that she could actually think of worse situations to have been dumped in.

Though she really needed to figure out the date. Also, whether or not Severino and Brian – she would go with Brian – had also ended up in this clusterfuck of problems with her. She was not dealing with this by herself. Like, the Horcruxes were such a problem on a good day, let alone without having access to anything.

Wait. She froze and slowly lifted a hand to her forehead and traced the scar on her head – and why people called it a scar when it constantly looked like an inflamed cut she'd never understand; witches and wizards had no common sense – and swore viciously. After the Horcrux had been destroyed at seventeen, the scar had actually faded to a proper scar, but the raised wound on her head was like a flashing sign she was carrying around that itty bitty piece of the crazy fucker.

What had she done in a past life to deserve this?

Dahlia rolled over – slower this time – and sat up carefully, feeling her way to the door of the oh-so-hated cupboard as she did. The door was locked as per usual, and the once-more ten-or-eleven-year-old – and bloody hell, she had to deal with puberty again – swore under her breath. Why couldn't the door just open as she wanted?

"Alohomora," she snorted sarcastically.

To her immense surprise – and glee – she felt her magic respond and the door swung open. Huh. Who knew discussing wandless magic in the afterlife could have practical applications for the living? Maybe we should publish a paper or something, get some money. And recognition for something other than not dying.

The girl savoured the glint of daylight – it was probably really early – and she crawled out the door and stood up, stretching her limbs with a grin on her face. She was actually alive again, and even if her body was underfed with a few broken bones, she felt weirdly great.

Dahlia cocked her head to the side to listen out for any sounds, but aside from the faint snores of her obese uncle, the house was completely silent. She silently padded through the hallway to the kitchen and looked to the side of the fridge.

June twentieth, five o'clock in the morning.

Fuck yeah. She didn't care if her companions had gotten lost somewhere, she wasn't staying a moment more than she had to in this house. The years of memories from her shitty childhood were more than enough, and she had no desire to add to them.

After a few seconds she shrugged her shoulders and opened the fridge to see a veritable mountain of food, food that she'd usually been denied because of her inner 'freakishness'. Not anymore. With a smug grin she reached up and pulled out everything that didn't need cooking – meat, leftover eggs, pies, fruit, anything she could reach – and put it into a carrier bag. Well, most of it. The rest she began to eat and she sat at the pristine table, gleefully leaving as many crumbs as possible on the shiny surface. From me to you, Aunt Petunia.

A sound of a branch cracking outside the door had her up and hidden behind the fridge in less than a second. Just because she couldn't remember something like this happening before didn't mean it couldn't happen now. Merlin only knew how much Vernon had bragged to his colleagues about the things he owned. Moron.

"Come now Severus, you know we have a duty to help young Dahlia."

"Do we? I seem to remember 'young Dahlia' as a brat that'll probably do whatever she wants, regardless of our own actions. It wouldn't surprise me if she's already getting ready to run away."

Dahlia turned to the bag of food and frowned. Damn. I hate it when he's right. Bastard.

She came out from her hiding place, grabbing her stolen goods as she did, and casually walked over to the back door and opened it.

After it swung open she came face-to-face with her afterlife companions and took notice of how much calmer the two looked now than they had during the war. At the moment Snape was glaring at her, though if she looked carefully she could see deeply-hidden concern as his onyx eyes raked over her skinny frame.

The old Headmaster had a beaming grin on his face – and she still hadn't written off the 'constantly high' theory – as he looked down at her.

"Dahlia! How are you, my dear?"

"Getting ready to run away," she said, shooting a glare at Snape to shut him up before the smug git said something, "which I will be doing regardless of what you say.

"If you plan on leaving me here, I will stab you."

Her flat glare and violent proclamation was met with hearty laughter from Dumbledore and an eye-roll from Snape.

"Whatever brat. Now hold on, we're leaving."

She mused how she never would have expected Severus Snape to offer her his hand without violence years ago, and here she was gladly accepting it.

"Lead on, Severino."

As the party of three left with a loud crack, murderous mumbling and amused chuckles, the residents of Privet Drive slept on unaware, and the Dursley's were finally left unburdened by magic.

A/N: Hello people!

For new readers, welcome to my story, and to people that follow me, yes, I really am starting a new story despite having five stories on the go already (and another three on my hard drive).

I only wrote this because someone asked, and I'd like to thank BookFan96 for giving me the inspiration to actually start this. I've had this idea on my profile for a while, so I had a go at writing an initial chapter to see how it goes.

I will warn people I have literally no idea where this story is going; no plotting, no overarching story, nothing. I literally wrote this in four hours before I posted this. I have no plan, and so there will be no update schedule unlike my other fics. I'm afraid people will have to contend with sporadic updates as I'd rather not force myself to churn out chapters for certain deadlines and have them be sub-par because of a lack of enthusiasm on my part.

That being said, I hope you guys like it, and I'll see you next time! :D