A/N: Thanks to everyone who has shown their support for this fic by reviewing, following and favoriting. I appreciate each and every one of you and hope you enjoy this update.
I'd just like to note that any resemblance between this chapter (or subsequent chapters) and Psyched's awesome story Running on Faith are purely coincidental. I'd thought of the general aspects of this story before reading any other season 9 finale fics. So no plagiarism is intended.
With every passing second, her senses dulled, a roaring in her ears blocking out the sound of continued gunfire. Kensi knew she had only a few more moments before she would be incapable of fighting back at all and with great effort she fought down the panic spreading through her body.
Ronald McCullough was hardly the most adept opponent she'd come up against but he was determined, keeping his arm locked tight against her neck while he used his weight to hold her in place. Kensi arched her back desperately which blessedly loosened his hold, even if momentarily and gave her enough room to free one arm. Immediately she shoved her elbow backwards once in the general direction of McCullough's face and then again in his abdomen as he released her. His groan of pain combined with a crunching noise, said her aim had been true.
At any other time, Kensi would have felt a touch of satisfaction, but at the moment she was too busy sucking in deep breaths. She pushed McCullough away from her, who she saw through teary eyes had both hands clamped over his face, and stumbled to her feet, drunkenly lurching towards her gun. The movement strained her abdomen, tugging at newly abused muscles and she gritted her teeth to hold back a gasp.
Damn, she'd probably bruised her ribs again. Her throat ached as well and she could already feel a bump rising on her forehead.
McCullough made a last-ditch grab for the gun, his fingers brushing her ankle as she kicked his hand away. She picked it up, tucking it into the back of her pants and took a few breaths to steady the trembles running through her body before crouching over McCullough and firmly pressing her knee into his back.
Wordlessly, she jerked his arms behind his back and handcuffed him. The report of gunfire had stopped so she assumed Callen had dealt with the unknown shooter inside the motel room. A minute later he confirmed her suspicions when he exited, his gun drawn.
"Kensi, are you ok?" he asked, gesturing towards her face as he walked closer. Her nose had been steadily dripping blood since McCullough slammed her into the railing but she didn't think it was broken.
"Uh, yeah, he resisted arrest," she replied hoarsely and clumsily swiped at her upper lip. If the look on Callen's face was anything to go by, she'd only made it worse. He didn't comment further though, merely nodded, taking her at her word.
"Shooter is dead." He nodded his head in the direction of the motel room. "What about him?"
"Still conscious, unfortunately," Kensi said, giving McCullough an unnecessary but thoroughly satisfying kick with her booted foot. He didn't say anything and didn't resist when she dragged him to his feet and then read him his rights.
While she transported McCullough to the SUV, Callen investigated the motel room. He returned in half an hour with a distinctly dissatisfied expression as he approached where she waiting outside the vehicle.
"I found a driver's license on McCullough's friend. It identified him as Wayne Cofield but who knows if it's legitimate. Otherwise there wasn't much besides a few hundred dollars and their phones. I called in a team to do a thorough sweep of the room and take care of Cofield," he explained.
"Well, at least we might be able to squeeze something out of McCullough. He doesn't strike me as the type to hold out for too long when threatened with federal prison. Let's get him to the boatshed," Kensi said.
"Oh no, we're dropping him off at the boatshed and then I'm taking you back to the mission to get fixed up," Callen said immediately.
"Callen I'm fine," she insisted which earned her a rather annoying eye roll.
"Sure you are." Callen raised his eyebrows and she crossed her arms, refusing to give in. Eventually Callen sighed. "Fine, but you do need to change your shirt. Plus, I'm pretty sure Hetty will be pissed if you wait to tell her you were hurt," he added when Kensi started to protest again.
"Damn, you're right," she sighed.
"And I don't think Deeks would be too happy either." That made her pause as she considered Deeks' response to seeing her injured, even if it was only slightly, so soon after their Mexican fiasco.
"Alright, let's go, but do not even think of interrogating McCullough without me."
"I promise I'll keep the car running until you get back."
Deeks, who she noticed wasn't wearing his sling once again, and Sam were seated at their desks, focused on something on the overhead screen which Eric and Nell were explaining in turns. It took them a moment to notice her, but when they did she saw four varying degrees of concern as they took in her appearance. She'd expected Deeks to be worried, maybe even a little angry, but she was shocked when his face went from pleased to upset and then rapidly paled like he was about to be sick.
He stood hastily, his eyes never leaving her, nearly stumbling as he pushed back his chair.
"Excuse me, I need to…" he mumbled almost unintelligibly, quickly walking away before he'd finished, and disappearing down the hallway that lead to the burn room.
"Kensi, are you ok?" Sam asked seriously and she nodded absently.
"Um, yeah, it's not as bad as it looks," she murmured distractedly.
"Kensi…" Nell started but Kensi interrupted her, too concerned about Deeks to bother with niceties or questions.
"Sorry, I need to check on Deeks. Let Callen know he can go without me," she said, already following after Deeks. She opened the burn room door with a certain amount of trepidation and let out a long breath as she slipped inside. It took her a moment to realize Deeks wasn't punching a hole in the wall or pacing angrily as she'd expected.
Instead he was crouched near the far wall, his head buried in his hands and back bent into a position that had to be incredibly uncomfortable with his still-healing ribs.
"Baby," she whispered, dropping down beside him. His back shuddered visibly and Kensi froze for a second, unsure of what to do. She heard Deeks drag in a ragged breath which spurned her back into action. "Breathe, Deeks," she coached, rubbing her hand over his back. He continued to tremble, his breaths turning into uneven gasps.
"You're ok, Deeks," she continued chanting, not sure if she was doing any good and desperately trying to remember anything she knew about panic attacks. In the past few years, they'd helped each other with the aftermath of numerous nightmares but she'd never seen Deeks in a state this bad. Something about breathing to the count of four came to her, probably courtesy of some class she'd taken or Nate's efforts to help her through one trauma or another. "Breathe with me. Long, deep breaths, Baby. That's it."
Kensi curled her upper body around Deeks' back and continued whispering instructions between long, deep breaths as she counted to four in her head. Deeks' heart beat out a fast, arrhythmic pattern that she could feel through his shirt, but she also heard him copying her, attempting to alter his breaths to match hers.
Slowly his heartbeat became, if not normal, less indicative of impending heart attack. "Good, Deeks. Keep breathing, long and slow," she encouraged.
"God…I'm sorry, Kensi," he whispered unevenly.
"No, no, you don't need to apologize, Baby." Kensi bit her lip against an onslaught of tears that had previously been held at bay by necessity. Something was seriously wrong if Deeks thought he needed to apologize for having a panic attack. "Just tell me what happened."
Deeks shook his head and Kensi schooled her features to hide the disappointment she felt even though he still had his head lowered, thinking he was denying her. Then he shuddered out a long breath. He eased himself onto his butt, his usual easy movements uncoordinated as he finally looked Kensi in the eye.
"I don't even know," he started, pausing to clear his throat when it broke unexpectedly. "Um, I just saw you, when you came in, I saw your face and the bruises, the blood. I don't know. I flashed back to when you were trapped under that helicopter and even though I knew you were standing there right in front of me…" He shrugged, apparently unable to find words to accurately describe what he'd experienced. "And I started feeling my chest getting tight and I knew I had to get out of there."
Kensi dropped her hand to his arm, instinctively gripping him as though it would somehow protect him. His head fell against the wall with a dull thud. He looked exhausted; more so than what could be explained away by his recovery or even the last few minutes.
"Deeks, has this happened before?" Kensi asked cautiously. Please say no, she silently begged him even though she knew the real answer before he reluctantly answered.
"Not this bad," Deeks said quietly, somehow managing to look ashamed as he ran a shaking hand through his hair. "When you…um, when you had to go into the silo," he supplied without Kensi having to ask. The damn silo again. If it weren't for that awful mission, they wouldn't be here Kensi thought bitterly.
No, that wasn't true, this had all started long before she was asked to talk her long-forgotten ex out of arming a nuclear warhead. That had just brought it all to a head.
"Why didn't you tell me then?"
"By the time you got back, I'd managed to convince myself it didn't happen, that I was just scared and freaked out a little bit."
"Deeks, obviously this is way more serious than just being scared," Kensi said incredulously. "If that day was anything like today, it's not just a random occurrence."
"It never happened in the field, Kensi, and if it had I would have done something before now. I would never put you in danger," he replied fiercely and with just a touch of desperation. As though his commitment to protecting at all times was ever in doubt.
"Deeks, I want you to listen to me and listen to me good, this is not about me trusting you. I trust you completely. And it's not about your competency, this is about how you feel, how you're coping. I want what's best for you and this," Kensi motioned to where Deeks was slouched on the floor, "this is not it."
Deeks looked down at his hands, watching his intertwined fingers for a long time. It wasn't clear if he was refusing to continue the conversation or merely thinking. Kensi waited, having a feeling that no matter the terrible timing, it was essential that they not put this off until later.
"I've been really worried about you getting hurt for a couple years now," Deeks said suddenly, his voice scratchy and weary sounding. "I guess worried is a major understatement; terrified is more accurate. At first it was just when you were in danger and I wasn't there but once I knew you were ok and I was by your side again, I'd be fine.
"What changed?" Kensi asked, needing to hear Deeks put it into words himself.
"We went to Syria and you nearly died, then you were kidnapped. It was always something and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I felt, I feel so…helpless."
"And that's when you started talking about getting out," Kensi concluded. Deeks nodded.
"It seemed like the best option." Kensi closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against Deeks' arm for a moment. She'd known the last nine years had put a strain on Deeks', but she'd never realized quite how much. It suddenly made his desire to leave NCIS a lot more reasonable.
"When I got cleared to come back this time, I thought I could handle you being in the field without me as long as I was nearby and knew what was happening to you," Deeks said.
"But it hasn't, has it?"
"No," Deeks whispered sadly. "If anything, I think it's gotten worse. I just didn't realize how much until now."
"I'm sorry, Baby. I'm sorry that I didn't realize you were feeling like this and that I haven't really listened to you," Kensi said, leaning forward so she was partially embracing him.
"Kensi, you don't need to apologize to me. I should have told you from the start and that's on me. I mean, I don't even know why I'm reacting this way, it's not like anything actually happened to me–" Kensi grasped Deeks' chin, cutting him off abruptly as she tipped his face up until he had no choice but to look at her.
"Stop. Just stop blaming yourself for things you can't control."
"I think…" Deeks swallowed harshly and looked down again before continuing, glancing through his eyelashes as he spoke. "I think I need to take some time. From here, at least until I figure out what's going on."
It made Kensi's heart clench painfully to see Deeks so unsure of himself, unsure of how she would respond and once again she wondered how they'd gotten here. A part of her, the part that was still silently freaking out at the sight of her partner quaking on the floor, was ready to fill out matching leave papers with Deeks immediately. The more rational part of her agreed that Deeks needed time and probably therapy of some kind, but she knew that being impulsively leaving would help neither of them.
Not knowing what else to do, Kensi eased in beside Deeks. Linking their fingers together, she laid her head on his shoulder and Deeks rested his chin on top of her hair with a quiet sigh.
"Are you ok, I didn't even think to ask," Deeks said after a few minutes of silence. He shifted slightly so he could look at her without disrupting their position. Kensi nodded stiffly as he lifted her chin and gently ran his fingers over jaw. It hadn't looked that bad when she checked during the ride over to the mission, but she imagined that the bruising was starting to darken.
"Yeah," she whispered. The, remembering that the very reason they were sitting on the cold, hard burn room floor right now was because they thought it was better pretend everything was fine when it clearly wasn't. "Actually, my throat's a little sore and I'm pretty sure my face is going to be really gnarly in a few hours. I think I also bruised my ribs, but I will be ok."
Deeks mapped the large bruise on her throat and then just barely touched each of the scrapes and cuts on her face before he leaned in to kiss her forehead. It caught her by surprise; the pure love and trust in the simple gesture threatening to bring tears to her eyes.
"Ok," he said after another few moments of silence. Deeks cleared his throat and shook his head while blowing out several slow breaths. "Ok, we should probably get back out there before someone comes looking."
"You're sure you're ready?" Kensi asked. Deeks looked much better than he had even a few minutes ago, but he also looked drained.
"Yeah, I'm good," he said and if his voice sounded just a little more strained than usual she chose to ignore it for now. Getting to her feet, she offered Deeks her hand. He allowed her to pull him up and together they walked toward the door.
A/N: So, I know it's been a while since I updated (what's new, right). I also know in order to continue this story, I'll be over lapping with the new season. Let me know if you think continuing this is worth it, or if you think I should call it a day with this story and stick to my one-shots.
Also, I promise that if I do finish this, everything will tie together in the end. I do have a plan for where this is going.