Two Sides

Author: Cheryl W.

Author's Note: Originally when I wrote the ending of this story, Hawkins didn't make an appearance but I felt cheated. So I worked it again and now you have some Hawkins closure. Hope you enjoy.

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Chapter 7: No Takebacks

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As expected, Hawkins wasn't about to listen to Danny.

"For what, fighting? If you banned everyone who picked a fight in here you'd have to ban all your best customers," Hawkins tried to coax Danny, making to go around him but Danny put his hand on Hawkins' chest, halting him.

Getting into Hawkins' face, Danny growled, "You took it too far."

"I'll pay for the damages, like I always do," Hawkins offered, his tone turning humble.

Not wanting Danny to harm his friendship with Hawkins or ostracize all the Navy Seals that frequent his bar because of him, John knew he had to intervene, hoped he didn't make matters worse. Standing, he started forward, surprised to find Ronon at his side.

"That the guy?" Ronon demanded, already sizing up Hawkins, glad to see that Sheppard had gotten in a few good hits evident by the man's black eye, cut lip and stiff way he was moving. But that in no way paid the man back for the damage he had inflicted on Sheppard.

John didn't expect Ronon's tone, a tone the Satedan usually reserved for when they were in that 'do or die', 'take out as many wraith as they could' situations. He was about to tell the other man to stay at the table, would make it an order if he had to when Hawkins spotted him over Danny's shoulder.

Cursing, Hawkins seared Danny with a disgusted glare. "That's why you wanted me out of here, huh? To protect your good buddy. Why didn't you ban him from your bar?!"

At that recrimination, Danny felt his reign on his temper slip and he shoved Hawkins, causing the SEAL to stumble back a step. "John wasn't the jackass who started the fight!" He gave Hawkins another harder shove. "And you just had to tag team your friends into it!" His next shove had Hawkins tripping back against the bar as he rancorously accused, "Then you and your friends decided sucker punching my brother was fair play!"

Sensing that Hawkins was done taking Danny's abuse, was about to swing on him, John dodged forward as fast as he could with his rib issues but he still wasn't fast enough to get between the two men. Not before Ronon did. Hawkins, to his credit, came up short, didn't try to barge through the wall of Ronon to get to Danny. But he wasn't smart enough to curb his tongue, he never was.

Realizing the hulking man in front of him was with Sheppard, Hawkins ignored both Ronon and Danny and focused on his favorite target: John. "This is pathetic even for you, Sheppard. Couldn't handle losing again so you thought you'd bring your WWE pal to protect you. Just goes to prove what I already knew: you're a coward."

Never expecting the Satedan would try and protect his honor, John's only warning of the impending disaster was Ronon's growl. John hastily threw his arm out in front of Ronon to block the man's advance toward Hawkins but he misjudged the tall man's reach. Without having to overrule John's restrictive stance, Ronon's right fist easily reached Hawkins, smashed into the SEAL's cheek like a battering ram. Then Hawkins was down on the ground, dazed, shaking his head to fight off unconsciousness.

"Ah crap," John muttered because this was not the way to simmer Hawkins down. Then there was Ronon to cool off. Turning his back on Hawkins, John stepped into Ronon's path, trusted his friend to not barrel him over to get to Hawkins, well, not when Ronon knew he was hurt, was sporting a concussion and a broken rib. Hand pressed against Ronon's chest, John snapped, "Ronon!" waited until his friend tore his murderous look from Hawkins and faced him before he said, "I got this…just…go order another beer."

"I'm not going anywhere," Ronon steely defied Sheppard's suggestion, couldn't believe John thought he would stand back and let the other man disrespect him or get a chance to hurt him again. Neither was happening, not while he was there to defend Sheppard. 'Like I should have been here to do yesterday' he guiltily thought, knew he wasn't the only one vowing to do better by Sheppard when the others joined his defensive line.

About to make it an order for Ronon to walk away, John realized he would have to extend it to Rodney, Teyla and Carter too because they were now flanking Ronon, each wearing their own personalized pissed off expression. "I can handle this," he growled, his eye contact searing into his gathered teammates so they all got the message even as he wondered when he suddenly became the bullied geek in this scenario who needed rescued. A second later, McKay proved he wasn't just imagining his friends' lack of faith that he could take care of himself against Hawkins.

"Well, excuse me, but I can't say I'm impressed with how you handled it yesterday," Rodney scathingly drawled because he still believed in his heart of hearts that Sheppard hadn't fought as hard as he could have. That his friend could have still bested Hawkins, and the buddies he had along…if Sheppard had wanted to. And it seemed to prove his theory that, even now, Sheppard was stopping Ronon from wiping the floor with the Navy SEAL jerk. And that pissed Rodney off, that, for whatever reason, John had let this man hurt him yesterday. Heck, he suspected Sheppard would probably let a repeat happen if they weren't there to intervene. But they were there. And Rodney would be damned if Hawkins got in the last word, had felt like he got a punch to the gut when Hawkins dared to call John a coward, freaking John Sheppard a coward!? That insult had had Rodney itching for it to be his fist hitting Hawkin's face instead of Ronon's. Except, well, fighting wasn't really his forte and Ronon's fist was like getting hit by a truck. That was, of course, an observation not an experience, as the man had never hit him, thank goodness.

"Like I keep saying, there were two other guys yesterday!" John testily defended himself once again to Rodney.

"You got off easy," Hawkins bitterly interjected, eyes boring into John's from his position still on the floor. Wiping the blood from his lips, though it still stained his teeth, he used a chair to accomplish the task of climbing to his feet.. "You and I both know you deserve much worse." Because he didn't care if an army backed Sheppard, he knew the truth about the man, and ached to make him pay in the same ways his SEAL friends had.

Refusing to allow this man free reign to continue to tear down John's honor, Teyla broke ranks and defiantly came toe to toe with Hawkins. She had seen the look that shone in this man's eyes in others, of rage that sought to inflict as much pain on others as they felt. Knew that the man ached to strike out at John, to hurt him for whatever harm he thought John had done to him. "If you try to harm John again, it will be you who will be harmed. And I guarantee you, it will be worse than what John suffered at your hands yesterday."

"Now you're hiding behind a woman, Sheppard?" Hawkins scoffed, foolishly dismissing Telya as a non threat. "You lost, fair and square yesterday but now you bring this freak show to try and what? Defend your honor? As if you have any."

When even Beckett joined the fray, John cursed, knew he was losing control of this situation…if he ever had it.

"You bloody bastard! When has three to one odds, a baseball bat and a kick to the head been considered a fair fight?!" Then John found himself having to block Beckett from getting closer to Hawkins. Didn't the doctor know Hawkins was a highly trained killer?! Didn't any of them get that! And all this, it was like poking a tiger….or you know, Ronon.

Horrified, Rodney repeated Carson's depiction of the brutal fight scene. "Baseball bat….kick to the head," Stunned at the revelation of just how Sheppard had gotten his injuries, he suddenly felt his blood boil and he bit out his scathing insult as he too confronted Sheppard's antagonist. "I expect if anyone's honor is in question, it's yours.. You accuse others of what you realize is a failing of yours. Typical response, really. Sheppard being a coward…having no honor, we aren't talking about him, are we? We are talking about you."

Enraged at McKay's insinuations, Hawkins tried to clock Rodney with a right cross but Teyla swept Hawkins' legs out from him even as John yanked Rodney backwards out of the Navy Seal's swing range. Even as Hawkins was trying to spring off the floor where Teyla's leg sweep had landed him, Teyla smashed her elbow into Hawkins' jaw causing the man to find himself on the ground again. Slipping behind him, Teyla pinned Hawkins' arm behind his back, pulled it hard enough to elicit a surprised groan of pain from the soldier. "Stay down or I will break your arm and not feel any regret," Teyla threatened, pressing her knee into Hawkins' back for good measure.

"Whoa whoa! Everyone just take a breath!" John finally managed to command his team, hand pressing to Ronon's chest again to deter the man from going after Hawkins while his other hand still clutched the back of Rodney's shirt. But when tensions didn't seem to deflate, he growled, "And that's a damn order! Teyla…let him up." But she didn't obey him, looked mutinously up at him until he tersely warned, "This is not one of those times where you can decide to not obey me for my own good."

Shooting an annoyed look to Ronon for apparently telling John her theory on when it was ok to disobey the Colonel's orders, Teyla gave Hawkins' arm one more final jerk which had the man crying out before she fluidly stood up, stepped over him and came to flank John. When Hawkins finally staggered to his feet, he was faced with an impenetrable wall of Sheppard's friends.

Joining the ranks beside Ronon, Danny faced Hawkins. Though most times he considered Hawkins a good friend, Danny knew they were on opposite sides right then, that Hawkins had to get his head out of his butt and face the painful truth no one wanted to say. Until now, until Danny felt it had to be said, no matter if it helped or hurt the situation.

"Hawkins, John followed his orders," Danny bluntly reminded his thick headed friend. "Just like the rest of us always did. We did what we were trained to do, what we thought was the right thing to do. I had orders to go to an LZ, regardless of the heavy fire, and I went. My bird got shot down, my co-pilot was killed on impact and my leg got torn apart by shrapnel and coper metal. I can piss and moan about that but I did what was needed of me, ordered of me. And you and John both had orders to stand down until the rescue op for your teammates was a go…you both obeyed, waited for command to green light the mission. None of us can know if either of you could have saved your guys if you went earlier. We won't ever know. There are no do overs…no matter if we want one or not. And it wasn't your call or Sheppard's either way. Just like it wasn't mine to take fire, lose one of my best friends and be crippled the rest of my life." At that blunt statement, Hawkins had the grace to pale in shame and John shifted on his feet. Danny pretended he didn't notice either man's reaction as he stepped forward to meet Hawkins man to man, friend to friend, soldier to soldier. "Damn it Dale, we all just did our jobs, we followed orders, we served the country we love and protected our freedoms, our home the best we knew how. I did that, you did that, John did that. You and John are still doing that. And we are alive to honor those we lost, so stop belittling their sacrifice. They don't deserve that disrespect from any of us and you know that."

Hawkins had gone stiff, his eyes holding Danny's as the other soldier's words sank in. Then something flickered in the man's eyes and his shoulders slumped and his anger…was overshadowed by shame. Silently he gave a respectful nod to Danny, acknowledging the other man's words had gotten though. Then his eyes went to John and John and his friends alike stiffened, tensed for the man's next venomous volley of insults…that never came. Without a word, the Navy Seal turned away from John and made his way out the door, leaving an oppressive silence in his wake.

And John felt as shaken as Hawkins had looked. Danny had laid it all bare and it hurt, it burned, it drudged up truths and it …somehow healed too. Regardless of the anger and guilt between them, he and Hawkins were still trying to live up to the codes of the military, of their beliefs, to protect their home and the people they cared about. It didn't matter John was doing it in another galaxy or that they had both been broken by their combined failure in the past. At their core, they were fighting for the same thing and that had to mean something. Just like what Danny sacrificed, what Hawkins' teammates had sacrificed meant something that they had to honor. And John knew what Hawkins had figured out too, that inflicting pain on each other in some vain attempt to bury the old pain was no way to honor their fellow soldiers, their military branches or the country they both loved. The past was over, neither one of them could change it. It was time to let it be scars they carried, of lessons hard won and mistakes not to be repeated, by either of them.

For John Sheppard's friends, pieces were starting to come together to form a better picture of the man they all so loyally followed. They now knew what motivated Sheppard's motto to not leave anyone behind, to act quickly when lives were in jeopardy, and, on occasion, buck orders and do whatever he could to try and save someone. John was trying to right a wrong he thought he had done, to not fail in the same way again, to not have another Hawkins blaming him for lives under his care being lost.

Danny, knowing that John tended to be a very private person, belatedly realized that had carelessly revealed things that the other man might have chosen not to be shared with their current spectators. Crossing over to his friend, Danny hurriedly apologized, "John, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to air out things you didn't want to…" and he kept his eyes on John, didn't let them waver to John's gathered friends.

"It's fine," John dismissed, also purposefully not looking to any of his friends, didn't want to try and read their expression to everything Hawkins had said about him, let alone Danny's recap of his past. But then Teyla, always the tactful one, was herding the others away. When he was left alone with Danny, John said, "You said the truth, whether Hawkins or I wanted to hear it or not."

Deciphering the implications between John's statement, Danny gave a shake of his head at his friend's bullheadedness. "You rather believe you could have saved them if you went earlier than to believe you never had a chance at all to save them, no matter when you went, don't you?"

"I like the version where there was hope," John openly admitted with raw sorrow, but then he cut off whatever Danny wanted to say to cheer him up. "But like you said, there are no do overs." And Atlantis was teaching him that lesson all over again, in harsher ways, for bigger stakes.

Sensing that he hadn't lifted any weight from his friend but somehow added to it, Danny reached out, grabbed John's arm and forced the man to take his next words seriously. "No do overs but you shouldn't do any take backs either. You shouldn't lock yourself down because Holland, Dix and Mitch died, or your worthless dad and brother cared more about stock market gains than you. These people with you, they care about you and it's obvious that they will stand with you come hell or high water…." but then Danny's serious face morphed into a teasing smirk, "or, you know, the really scary stuff like going up against school yard bullies."

John laughed at that one. "You're still the same old jerk."

"Yup and I'll be around if you need a piss poor pep talk but honestly, after seeing your new comrades in arms in action..." He jerked his chin to the table of John's friends, "I know I can stop worrying about you. They'll take care of you better than me and Winston and the crew here ever could."

John felt himself blush in embarrassment at Danny's sentiment, that he had been worrying about him. "Danny…"

But Danny shook his head, gave John's chest a pat and with a smile ordered, "Go be with your friends, John. They seem a little lost without you." Then Danny walked away and John turned, saw that his friends were pretending to not watch him and Danny but failing miserably at the deception. 'With bad actors like them as my supporting players, no wonder all my bluffs get blown,' he groused but he was fighting hard not to grin ear to ear as he made his way back to his friends.

In a show of greeting him back to their fold, Rodney pushed his coke in front of him, Teyla gave him a concerned assessing look as if she was making sure that Danny hadn't said anything to upset him. As for Carson, he was giving him that doctor once over. Then there was Ronon who was staring off at the empty pool table, acting like he didn't even register Sheppard had returned to the table.

It was not surprising to John that McKay couldn't handle the silence, was the one to break it first. Rodney's inquiry, however, was full of unveiled concern.

"You ok?" Rodney earnestly questioned, because he had learned to see behind John's "I'm fine"s, his jokes and smiles. Knew they were a smoke screen to the man's pain, guilt and doubts that he refused to openly share, regardless that Rodney would guard John's vulnerabilities almost more fervently than he would his own. Not to mention, Rodney probably knew better than anyone how John would twist all this around, would do something stupid like believe he deserved Hawkins' hatred, never his absolution, anyone's absolution. Accepting that Sheppard would probably brush his concern off but didn't stop Rodney from being concerned, from caring, for wishing John just once trusted him to be vulnerable, to say he wasn't ok, trusted all of them enough to know they wouldn't exploit his pain but do everything they could to take it away.

And there McKay was again, surprising John with the depth of the man's concern for him, his obvious regard for him and value he placed on their friendship.

Still, John almost brushed off the question with a smart aleck deflection but then he noticed all eyes on him, even Ronon had given up his pretense of detachment. And Danny's words came to him, that he could trust his friends to be there for him. But he already knew that. They had proven that so many times in the past two years, and not just when it came to his life being in jeopardy, but worse times..when he failed, when he was weak. And somehow they had not thought less of him, not once. So he took a risk, didn't do a take back, didn't retreat behind his walls, instead admitted wearily, "Honestly…it's been a pretty crappy vacation so far."

"Yeah, for us too," Rodney candidly admitted, honoring John's surprising, if not depressing, admission of the truth with some of his own because the whole 'thinking John was tired of being his friend', it had sucked. Really bad. Looking around the ring of his friends, he knew Teyla and Ronon agreed whole heartedly with him. Even Carson looked like he hadn't gotten much sleep on this "vacation" of theirs. "Think we can do something together tomorrow that doesn't involve misunderstandings, bar fights, or you getting hurt," he asked of John, voice full of rare, not over the top but earnest entreaty for John's agreement to those specific terms.

"I don't know, McKay, that sounds really boring," John drawled in mocking protest.

"Boring sounds heavenly to me," Carson countered.

"Yeah, you wanted to show us that big hole in the ground," Ronon reminded John, purposefully making it sound lame when he knew John thought the hole was awesome.

"Not a big hole…a canyon…the grand canyon. Full of colors and ….ridges and …" John stammered, trying to defend the natural treasure before grumbling, "You'll like it when you see it."

"And you said you liked…what is it again…ferris …rolls," Teyla got in on the action, but she couldn't hold back her smirk as John glowered at her attempt to mispronounce one of his favorite things.

"Ferris wheels..and yes, I know where there is one. A really big one," John began to gush, smile turning up his lips and lighting up his eyes.

"Ah, have I mentioned I'm not a fan of heights?" McKay interjected before he tried to justify his fear. "Sheppard, you do realize the statics of fatalities in both of your planned activities is quiet high. I read once that in one year the Grand Canyon…"

"I'm game," Carson cut across Rodney's statistics. Honesty, he, didn't care if Colonel Jack O'Neill himself wanted a briefing from him tomorrow, he was going to take a real vacation with his friends, no, his family. "Honestly, anything beats having to deal with any you-know-whats trying to suck the life out of us, trying to figure out the weird goings on with somebody's molecules, and having to deal with patients stubbornly disobeying every good piece of advice I give them," he pointedly looked John's way on that last one.

But it wasn't John who reacted to that intended slam but Ronon. "You're out of luck on that last one, doc. Guess next vacation you have to remember to not bring your worst patient along with you."

"Oh, funny. Come on, Rodney's way worse than I am," John disputed, pointing to McKay, who instantly denied it.

"I am not. When have I ever plotted an escape from the infirmary?" Rodney demanded, eyebrow raised demanding Carson to just try and deny his claim.

"Believe me, I wish you had a time or two. I would have helped you plan it, more than once," Carson muttered under his breath causing Teyla, Ronon and John to erupt into laughter.

"Hey, we are supposed to be picking on Sheppard, not me," Rodney reminded the gathered group.

"We can multitask," Carson assured. That set McKay and Beckett into bickering at each other about whose profession made them better at multitasking. Teyla only smiled at their antics and kept quiet but gave John's arm a squeeze, like she was reassuring herself he was there, wasn't going anywhere.

Ronon shot a smirk to John, both of them enjoying not being the focus of either man's sharp tongue. And though he'd never had a "vacation", Ronon thought maybe this was the start of a really good one. Because it certainly felt like a gift, this joyous feeling of all of them being together. Especially after all the misunderstanding of the last two days that had seemed to signal the end of what he realized he treasured most about Atlantis: being around the people he cared about. As Beckett and McKay continued bickering, Ronon leaned over toward Sheppard, whispered, "Just think, you almost missed all of this fun."

"Yeah, who wants a quiet drink at the bar, have some beautiful women fawning over my bruises. Now that would have been really terrible," John drily bemoaned. But Ronon wasn't buying it, shot a beaming smile at his friend before, in a rare show of affection, he gave the base of John's neck a companionable squeeze. It earned him a nod of 'right back at ya, buddy' and a smirk from John. And Ronon knew Sheppard just had to face it. He and the others were sticking by John's side. And, thank the Ancestors, John was starting to learn to stop running away from the very idea of how much he was truly valued. All it took for this to happen was the near destruction of their makeshift family. Next time Ronon vowed to simply stun Sheppard into submission if he started to doubt his place with them. It would be easier on all of them. Well, maybe not on Sheppard's body but he'd shake it off. And if something came along Sheppard couldn't shake off, Ronon would be there to carry him, Teyla would offer him counsel, Rodney would challenge him to keep fighting and Carson would patch him up. Together they would do their best to keep John safe, even from himself. That's just what families did in Ronon's book.

John felt contentment settle over him as Carson and Rodney tallied their college degrees, years of study, specialties to prove who was more superior. Finally he allowed himself to accept that this was where he was supposed to be, who he was supposed to be with. Realized that he was not the same man who had been losing himself by leaps and bounds under the crushing weight of despair and failure in this very town three years ago. Though his world had to be turned upside down in ways he couldn't have ever predicted for it to happen, a change had been wrought in him. Atlantis had changed him, but more significantly, these people had changed him. He wasn't lost anymore. Knew who he was, that he mattered to these people, more than he ever thought he would matter to anyone. And his home, it wasn't a place, wasn't even Atlantis, it was wherever his friends were. And right now, he was home and there wasn't a better feeling than that in any two galaxies.

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The end

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Words aren't enough to thank all my generous reviewers! Without every word you wrote, this story wouldn't have found a nice home on ffnet, would have been stashed on my computer for my eyes only. I truly appreciated your kindness and encouragement as I ventured further into this awesome world of Stargate Atlantis!

Until next time…..

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.