"For the sake of all that is green and youthful—WHY, LEE, WHY?!" Gai-sensei catches his student taking a peek in a certain "graphic novel." Adventures and mass arson ensue... —CRACKfic, Oneshot—

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Happy Sunday! My plans got rained out, so I figured why not turn my attention to this little tale?

I'm going to emphasize just one tiiiiny thing: CRACKfic. I would never hate on / bash Lee and Gai. I would, however, poke fun at everyone's favorite Green Beasts! Fun fact: I originally posted this crazy lil' fic in August of 2008.

JUKEBOX: "Cops and Robbers" by The Hoosiers

Enjoy the crack!

The Adventures of Icha Icha Lee!

Lee loved books. Well, Lee loved just about everything—flowers, Sakura, squirrels, green man-tights, youth! But today, Lee was in a bookstore looking for a youthful adventure book! Unfortunately, Lee's hunt wasn't going too well. He skipped and frolicked through row after row, but he found nothing that captured the youthful spirit Gai-sensei had told him to find in a book! Until finally, he came across a certain author's name.

"Jiraiya-sama! One of the great Sannin! Surely he would write of great, wondrous adventures!"

Lee's caterpillar-brows rose, his eyes sparkled with youthful excitement as he took in the heavenly light shining down upon the book before him, an angelic chorus seeming to sing! He tiptoed towards it, eyes wide and mouth agape. Would it be about seafaring pirates? Would it be about rough and tough cowboys? Would it be about fanciful elves and pixies? Would it be about a lovely princess and chivalrous knights? He had to find out!

"Icha Icha Tactics! Sounds like a spy thriller filled with great, wondrous, youthful intrigue and adventure!" He was so excited his hands began to shake as he reached for the hardback. Even the cover looked youthful and exciting: a young woman appeared to be fending off an evil foe with a kick of expert taijutsu! It was just too perfect (and youthful)! Lee's quivering hand grew closer, closer, closer, closer…until finally he touched the volume. Lee could hardly contain his excitement, bouncing up and down on his toes, as he slowly caressed the cover of the small book.

"What wonders do you hold, oh wonderful, glorious, youthful book?" Lee murmured in awe. He wanted to dance and flit about the store with all of his happiness. This was surely the sort of book Gai-sensei had told him to read. He slowly, carefully opened the book, his eyes running over the first page.

Yumi heard a loud groan come from the room next door. As an undercover operative, she did what came naturally. She decided to investigate…

"Oh, no! Somebody's hurt already? Jiraiya-sama gets right to the point in his novels! Such an inspiration he is! Such youth he still possesses! Yumi, you must save the injured person!" He flung his fist toward the sky as the flames of youth burned in his eyes…before returning all of his youthful attention to the enthralling tale before him. He slowly slid himself down to the floor and crossed his legs as he read on in pure bliss.

Yumi exited her office to check on her boss. Was he in pain? Was he hurt? Yumi had to find out! She knocked on his door, but there was no answer….

"Oh, no!" Lee gasped, a hand covering his mouth in terror. "Help him, Yumi! Help him with your youthful powers!" (A/N: ;) ) He glued his eyes back to the page and read onwards.

Yumi slowly opened the door. "Boss?" she questioned. Again, no answer. She peeked into the dark office, suddenly exclaiming, "Oh, my…!"

The page ended, and Lee zealously turned to the next one.

"LEEEEE! Oh, Leeeeee! Where are you?" boomed the voice of the one and only Gai-sensei. "Lee, my youthful lad! Have you found a glorious adventure book yet? One to inspire and fan the flames of YOOOOUTH?"

"Over here, Gai-sensei!" Lee rocketed upward in his delight. "I've found a magnificently youthful book full of intrigue and suspense and excitement!"

Gai fluttered to Lee and flashed his megawatt smile and signature thumbs-up. "Ah, Lee! I'm so proud of you, my youthful protég—w-wait a second…!" Gai's face slipped from youthful glee to unhinged horror as he took in his surroundings. This wasn't just any old section of the bookstore….

Icha! Icha! Icha! Icha! Icha! Icha! Icha! Icha!

The words seemed to bounce around in his head; a cold sweat began to form on his neck.

ICHA! ICHA! ICHA! ICHA! ICHA! ICHA! ICHA! ICHA!

Gai managed some sort of outrageous pirouette as his face took on an even more aghast expression. "Lee! W-what is the meaning of this?" he screamed, still pirouetting around and flinging an arm over his eyes dramatically, as the sun became devoid of light, as up became down, as hell froze over, as—!

Lee eagerly leapt forward and shoved the book in front of Gai-sensei's rather large nose. "Look, Gai-sensei! I've found exactly what you wanted me to read! It's exciting and adventurous!" (A/N: ;) ) Lee jumped about with merriment.

Gai's face changed to the color of his man-unitard, and then it turned purple, and then it turned blue, and finally it returned to green. His student found that book exciting and adventurous?! An avalanche materialized and flattened him, only for the earth to split open a moment later and consume him and the wrathful snows of a frozen hell! He began hyperventilating and twitching, but he froze suddenly as a "Yo!" come from behind him.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Lee shrieked. "Kakashi-sensei, you must help! Gai-sensei can't breathe! I showed him my new book"—Lee waved the graphic novel (A/N: pun sooo intended) in the masked man's face—"and-and he started choking and changing colors!" Lee flung his arms about in panic, setting the display tower of Icha Icha novels airborne.

Kakashi's one visible pupil suddenly decreased in size as he backed slowly away. Danger, he thought as fear trumped his extreme embarrassment, danger… He could sense the youthful fury Gai was about to unleash.

"Lee," came a dark, thunderous growl, "why…"—the growl quickly changed to a roar, and Kakashi slunk further away—"WHY WOULD YOU SHAME THE YOUTHFUL WORLD WITH THIS-THIS MONSTROSITY?" Gai snatched the book from Lee's hands and shook it in front of his eyes, the pages cascading down like a deck of cards being shuffled, like an old-timey animation flip-book.

Pretty ladies.

Naked, pretty ladies.

NAKED, PRETTY LADIES!

Lee flew three feet in the air as he saw the true horrors of the book. "Gai-sensei! Oh, Gai-sensei!" he wailed. "WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

Kakashi, easing his way ever so slowly away from the seething, green men, could barely stifle a petrified sound of sheer panic. Danger was imminent. His shinobi senses told him to run for his life…and fast….

Lee let out a mournful yowl and burst into tears of youthful remorse! "H-how do I repent for this, Gai-sensei?" he blubbered.

An inferno formed around Gai-sensei as a brilliant idea fell into place. "Lee, I, too must repent, for I have failed you! I did not teach you to avoid such abominations of the youthful mind, my precious, precious protégé! So…"

"What will we do, Gai-sensei?" Lee fell to the floor and latched onto his sensei's green man-tights and tangerine legwarmers, frantically awaiting his sensei's plan for the redemption of his youth.

As Kakashi stealthily neared the exit of the bookstore, Gai's eyes blazed with youthful passion and he held his fists in the air with youthful triumph. "We will eradicate this menace from bookstores everywhere, Lee!" With fire literally leaping from his eyes, he turned to his rival. "Beginning with that one. GET 'IM!"

The Copy Nin saw the two charging green beasts. Was this how his life would end…? "Oh, shi—!" Kakashi groaned and ran for the life of his cherished graphic novel.

And so the chase began! Gai-sensei and Lee hunted Kakashi all around the world to repent for their failings, setting every Icha Icha book they came across in their travels aflame. Their battle cry of "FOR YOUUUTH!" announced their igneous intentions before they burst into a shop to rid the world of its Icha Icha scourge. Before long, the man-tight wearing duo became known as the Green Bookstore Bandits for their pyromaniac crusade. The Bandits lead a perilous life, as many a closeted perv took to pursuing them, but Gai-sensei and his youthful protégé never gave up—they had YOUUUUTH on their side!

Eventually the lauded Icha Icha author himself could no longer ignore The Bandits' flaming censorship and became the de jure leader of the Perv Resistance. Jiraiya recruited Naruto, who recruited Konohamaru, who recruited Ebisu-sensei, who recruited Iruka-sensei. The pervs—closeted and casual, alike!—rallied behind Jiraiya and Kakashi to create The Outlaw Pervs gang!

And so an even greater chase began all throughout the ninja world as The Bandits and The Outlaw Pervs repeatedly clashed, with no end to the struggle in sight! As mountains of Icha Icha's were turned to ash, cries of "SEXY JUTSU!" and "LEAF HURRICANE!" and "HAREM JUTSU!" and "FOR YOOOOUTH!" and "FOR SMUUUUT!" echoed across the land. The Bandits went after Kakashi and co. for years, yet—despite their unwavering, youthful determination—the Copy Nin's copy of Icha Icha never fell into their green grasp!

One tactical adjustment turned the tide of war: After continually losing half their numbers to fainting spells and nosebleeds, The Outlaw Pervs eventually rethought their battle strategy and banned the use of any sexy jutsu. Finally, after thousands of Icha Icha books and several bushy brows had fallen victim to the flames of arson, The Green Bookstore Bandits were apprehended. Finally, the Perv Resistance had their victory.

Jiraiya eagerly took The Bandits to court for damages. The bestselling author had planned on suing them for everything they had…but he swiftly, dejectedly found out the two embodiments of youth were dirt poor. But a rather creative solution came to the Pervy Sage….

"Lee, Gai!" he announced to the brow-less arsonists. "Since you green idiots have no money to pay for the destruction you wrought…" An evil, pervy grin formed on the face of the Toad Sage. "You'll just have to pay off your debt by spending the rest of your lives…" he trailed off ominously, letting the panic sink in.

Lee and Gai went sickly white as they waited for the Sannin's verdict, their death sentence.

"Answering all of my Icha Icha fan mail!" Jiraiya shouted in gleeful retribution as his hands did that twitchy-pervy thing they did.

And so The Green Bookstore Bandits fell dead right then and there.

FIN!

Total "YOUTH" count: 31.

So, what do ya think? Should I try my hand at more humor…or stick to my usual dark and twisty stuff? ;)

I'll leave you with my original author's note from '08:

Well, I've got just this to say: I wrote this after getting two hours of sleep last night and while slightly intoxicated from espresso…so you'll have to excuse this abomination of a fic. (: All the same, I hope it made you crack a smile at least!

I hope you'll take the time to tell me what you think! (:

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XOXO

Endoh