My normal vision came back online and recalibrated bringing into focus the concrete floor, blood, booze, and irradiated rain as I returned to the pitiful present. I remembered then that Jenny would never be mine in the pure and lasting sense. I'd find her three weeks later with a bullet in her back and her blood on the pavement. Heaven had been stolen from me and was back in Hell.
Head down I held up both hands as if someone just pulled a gun on me, "Sorry copper, not packing any heat I promise." It was a blatant lie but it came out smooth enough. I righted my hat and pulled down the brim, just as much to protect her modesty as my own, before remembering I didn't have any modesty to hide. Trouble was, I could still feel the heavy weight of it on the inside of my thigh pulsing with the promise of satisfaction even if the rational part of me knew there was nothing down south to feel.
Damn stupid flashes and their damn phantom sensations. Gotta keep reminding me of what I'm not and what I no longer got.
"You've been nothing but a perfect gentleman. I was just- It's just that-" I didn't have to see her face to hear the blush in her voice, "You're just so warm Nicky. "
The sultry undercurrent in her tone wasn't lost on me, even if it was lost on her. The sensation of her bare thigh pressing against my face after the steamy flashback was stifling and I pushed at her leg lightly to get the damn thing off of me. When she moved to step aside I tugged at my tie feeling more than a little hot under the collar. It wasn't helping much. Impossibly I could still taste the sweet tang of Jenny on my tongue and the lingering lust for Nora felt like a betrayal somehow, irrational as I knew it was. I got this horrible sinking feeling, like there was lead in my belly and in truth I guess there was, so I ran an application in the background that I'd programmed to take care of the residuals. The memories of a girl I'd never met and the sensations of a man I never was faded away.
"Are you okay?" Nora asked with concern, "You went still all of a sudden."
"I'm alright. The old processor is just running a little slow. Past due to run some diagnostics."
The scarf was lying crumpled between her legs before me and I picked it up from the ground to lift it up to her, gaze still downcast kneeling supplicant before her.
She shivered again, "I think if I lean over I'll faint. Can you help? You take the low road and I'll take the high road?"
"Trouble shared is trouble halved?" I returned in what I hoped was suave nonchalance, battling against the lingering sensation of pleasure that returned buzzing in my head as I bemoaned my shoddy programming skills.
"Who you calling trouble?" she chimed.
"The gal who drops Deathclaw eggs back in their nests with a wink and smile. Still don't know how you managed to get yourself out of that one, " I tried for good old fashioned diversion instead, it worked alright before.
"Mother's intuition naturally." she played along.
"More like supernaturally," I kept the game going.
Don't get me wrong, I was glad to see she was feeling better now if she was going to deal in on our little game. Trouble was, she had a winning pair of aces and it was all I could do to bluff that she didn't have the upper hand as I tried to dry the appropriate portions of her legs with mechanical indifference. As I took the scarf mid thigh I could feel the ghost of fingers through hair I knew I didn't have. The cards were on the table in the rush, as sensations I was never designed for coursed hot and desirous through me. Deuces if I knew what to do with them. Hold'em wasn't exactly my game these days. Nothing here in reality except a Joker and a Queen. I was a robot damnit! And I was fine with that. Never hid my hand from anyone till she came along. I was supposed to be over this bull shit. I'd quit the tables a long time ago. It was always a losing game. So who was I bluffing now? All sprockets and servos and her with her cryo-preserved perfection. About time I got it through my thick metal skull that I was a machine, and even if it wasn't all I ever was, I knew it's all I ever would be.
I finished my task with a rough frown and the appropriate robotic distance, before trying outwardly for humor I didn't in the least bit feel, "Beep Boop. Objective complete."
Nora was always empathetic, and hell some days I'd swear she could read minds. This was one of the days she was holding all the cards.
"Don't talk like that." she chastised. The air shifted around us then as she leaned down toward me, as if the space between us had weight. I closed my eyes for both our protection, but I could sense her displeasure at my words without seeing her expression. I felt her hands on either side of of my face, her fingertips grazing over the tattered side of my cheek and I cringed a little as she passed over a frayed sensor. Yeah it wasn't pretty.
"Stand up and look at me Nick."
Slowly I did as she asked and stood to full height, but my eyes remained politely closed. Her hands were still cradling my face, thumb stroking lightly over the bolt in the corner of my jaw. There was sympathy and kindness in that gentle caress and I tried not to think about it too hard. When she spoke her voice was warm and sweet and it poured through me like honey, a taste of something long lost, "You may be a robot but you have a spine of steel, a silver tongue, and a heart of gold. You're one of a kind, and worth a great deal more to me than you know. "
I didn't know how to react in light of her admiration and she took my silence as doubt pressing on in gentle earnestly, "You are brave, and you are strong, and you are kind. It's who you are that matters to me Nick not what you are, and I couldn't be prouder to have you by my side."
Her words were soft and tender and I tried hard to believe them, to let them sink past the synthetic skin and the metal bones to somewhere in between the atoms were all great mysteries lie.
"Open your eyes for me, please?" she requested softly.
Slowly I obeyed, no one could resist her pleas. When I opened my eyes and looked at her, really looked at her, I saw my own eyes reflected like gold halos in the eyes of the purest blue I'd ever seen. She was smiling angelically, with a kind of purity I'd almost forgotten existed in the last world and hardly dared hope that I'd ever see it in this one. She was looking at me like I was a man, a real man, instead of trashed facsimile of one. And for a moment, just a moment, lost in the blue heavenly sky of her eyes I could almost believe that I was, "You're too good Nora."
"Right back at you," she smiled sweetly, then shivered suddenly shaking us both back to reality.
"I am also very cold standing here naked as a jaybird paying you compliments. What's a girl gotta do to get a hug around here?"
"A damsel in distress and undress huh? I think I could maybe lend a hand. " I held my coat open offering warmth. Offering anything in the world if only she'd take it. She wrapped her arms around my waist pressing herself against me. I tensed at first but then relaxed wrapping her tightly in my coat. She breathed a contented sigh against my neck and this time when it went through me I smiled, tucking her head under my chin. My systems revved up at her nearness and I kicked them up another notch trying to will what warmth I could into her cold places.
Don't know what a thing like me did to deserve a moment like this and I'd thank my maker if they hadn't left me in the trash heap. Instead I'll thank her maker, for creating the one damn person in the entire commonwealth that could make me feel like a human being.
I caught myself getting overly sentimental and cleared my throat, pulling away just a tad to look down at her, "I'm sure the coffee is hot by now, if you need something better than a old bot full of holes to keep you warm."
"You say one more derogatory comment about my detective and I swear I'll screw your mouth shut for a week," she said reaching up to tug my hat down over my eyes playfully.
"Don't threaten a fellow with a good time," I laughed, as I felt her slide smoothly out of my arms.
"Oh Nick, you old dog" She laughed right along with me, tapping my shoulder teasingly as she padded lightly past me to the desk.
I chuckled low, and by the time I righted my antique fedora properly on my head she had my shirt on over her shoulders. She was almost a head shorter than me and it came to mid thigh, the sleeves nearly covering her hands as that hourglass figure was silhouetted against the fabric in the lamplight like some kind of hazy dream.
I sighed ruefully, rubbing my cheek. The fact that there wasn't any stubble there, or any skin in places for that matter, certainly wasn't lost on me but I shrugged it off and stepped up beside her busying myself with pouring her a coffee while she finished buttoning up the shirt. When she was done she turned to me and smiled. She left the top two buttons undone on the collar the way I usually did which made me grin, though I doubt it ever painted so pretty a picture on me. I certainly didn't fill it out like she did.
"I know it's not quite the same without the accessories, but what do you think?" she asked, all legs for days and an impish grin.
I played along and leaned a hip against the desk and crossed my arms over my chest as if appraising her. I sure as hell wasn't about to say the truth, which was she looked like she'd just rolled out of my bed and tossed the first thing on off the floor and I meant that in the absolute best possible way, so I said instead, "I think with the proper hat and a decent tie you could make a fair to passing detective. Missing a little something though." She glanced down at her legs and I took this as a clue to slide my coat off and drape it over her shoulders. Her smile softened in thanks and I stepped in closer to her than was strictly necessary but, I couldn't help myself; she had a kind of gravity about her.
"Who knows, could even have an office as fancy as this one day, " I said flipping up the coat collar in the back, and adjusting the lapels. It was a lousy cover-up to hide the fact that I wanted to stay near her but it'd do.
"Oh do you really think so Nick?" she sighed dreamily gazing up at me like a lovestruck teenager, and though I knew it was just for comedic effect I felt a spark anyway. "With my very own rusty filing cabinets, and dirty ashtrays?" she asked with playful astonishment as she slid her arms into the oversized coat.
"Nothing quite says home like mountains of paperwork and a bottle of bourbon," I confessed with a wry grin, my hands sliding around her slender waist for the belt. I lingered a little too long and she took it as a cue to step nearer so there wasn't even a foot of space between us now.
She looked back over her shoulder at my ramshackle excuse for a place like she was in awe of the possibilities, "Why I could even put in a mounted radstag head like they have at the Third
Rail."
"Two heads for just one buck, hard to beat that kinda deal," I grinned with a wink, punctuating the joke with a tightening tug on the belt as I knotted it.
Dogmeat whimpered and laid his paws over his muzzle like he'd just stuck his nose in a dead mirelurk.
I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Everyone's a critic."
She laughed and slipped away to pour another cup of coffee which confused me at first till I realized she meant it for me, "Save it for yourself Nora, not like I need the stuff."
"And drink alone Detective? Everyone knows that'll ruin a girl's reputation," she feigned concern, lifting the cup with one hand, and splaying her fingers out over her heart with the other.
"Nora, I don't think there's a force on this earth that could ruin your reputation" I gave her an incredulous look.
"I know you can drink it. So don't argue with me. I've seen you do it and besides, I need you nice and warm to take this chill out of my toes," she looked down and wriggled said toes miming a pout.
"What am I your heating blanket?" I griped, with a smile that was supposed to be a smirk but I was far too charmed for that. I reached out to take the coffee if she was going to make such a fuss over it but she pulled it away at the last moment; the tease.
There was a chair perfectly poised just behind my knees and Nora, never one to pass on a good opportunity, pushed me back into the thing playfully. I fell for her naturally, dropping willingly into the plush crème fabric usually reserved for clients.
"Of course not..." Nora began, tapping me on the nose with her index finger, a gesture as ridiculous as it was endearing.
"You're my Valentine," she murmured sweetly as she slid into my lap, knees pressed together and legs tucked to one side demurely as she pulled my trench coat back across her lap for warmth.
I wanted to say something clever but her words were still buzzing through the old headcase of mine, so I just smiled stupidly at her. She warmed her hands on either side of the coffee mug as she gazed back at me, hiding a smile behind her cup. All of a sudden it was like time had slowed... The steam framed her face and it was like that camera trick where the guy'd rub vaseline over the lens. She looked like some kind of film starlet brought to life in that haze of steam and the golden glow of my eye lights.
God she was beautiful.
Her eyes drifted shut, those long feathery lashes forming dark crescents on her moon pale cheeks as those plush pink lips wrapped around the ceramic edge of the cup when she took a sip. A soft pleasured hum escaped her as she savored the flavor of the liquid on her tongue before trailing the damp glistening swell of her lower lip lightly over the rim of the mug as she slowly drew away.
I have never before envied an inanimate object so much in my entire life.
She lowered the cup then to cradle it gently in her palms before her, the only barrier between us, and simply gazed at me, a small quiet smile gracing that perfect mouth. My eyes dimmed to warm soft amber, and I felt my internal systems shift to a lower setting. I don't know what possessed me, except for maybe the beautiful woman sitting in my lap wearing only my dress shirt and coat, but I slid my metal hand unabashedly up the back of her calf and under the jacket's hem to lightly brush that sensitive little spot on the back of her knee. Her breath caught but she didn't shudder at the touch of steel nor move to pull away.
Christ she looked good like that, like we'd just gone a few rounds between the sheets and were sharing breakfast the next morning. I stroked my thumb softly over her bare warming flesh and suddenly my senses grew keener. Her heartbeat quickened at my touch, her breathing growing shallow, her pupils dilated 1.5 mm larger than the light in the room demanded. She appeared calm outwardly but inside she was racing.
Was she-
It couldn't be-
Could it?
I studied her but she gave nothing away, just continued smiling that small patient smile.
Was she waiting?
Waiting for me?
Our eyes locked. I could breach the distance between us easily if I wanted to, she was inches away. I could just lean forward through the steam of that coffee cup and capture her lips with mine. And she would let me do it too wouldn't she?
It wasn't the detective in me that knew the answer, it was the man. And that man wanted to take the risk. The old Nick certainly would have with his thick dark hair and his five o'clock shadow. But me? What was I but a beat up tin can of loose screws and rusty hinges. Even if I could slide into first base I didn't have the proper gear to get past third no matter how well I played the game. I was eternally benched, and it wouldn't have been fair to her to start a game we'd never finish. I cared too much about the gal to leave her hanging on third when I knew I couldn't hit a homerun. She deserved more than that, a lot more than that. Why was I even considering it? I would never be able to give her the things that she deserved no matter how much I wanted to. I shouldn't have let her get this close. I shouldn't be letting her get this close now. I was a selfish son of a gun and one of these days I'd pay for it.
It had been too long now and I felt the weight of that small patient smile. The steam rising between us feeling less like a veil and more like a wall with each ticking second the pressure was on and suddenly I felt like I was drowning in blue. I looked away, breaking the all too intimate stare.
Valentine you are a coward.
"Alright," I announced cutting the charged silence and shifted to move her off my lap, "I think it's about time I took you to bed."
Unaware of my internal struggles she was feeling cheeky again and she arched a brow at the unintended double entendre,"Top or bottom?" she teased with a sidelong glance to the stairs.
I heaved a much put upon sigh. Dames, why did they always have to be so difficult? "You need to leave if you're going to keep that up"
"Isn't it usually the other way around Detective?" she batted her lashes at me setting the cup aside and reaching out to toy with my tie.
"That's it little miss no pants, get off." I griped, batting her hands away.
She was biting her lip and her eyes were sparkling with foxy mischief and I knew just where she was going to go with that one before she even said a word so I cut her off short- "Oh no you don't. You keep that mouth of yours shut."
That only made her grin more. Christ she was impossible. I scooped her up without another word and carried her up the stairs.
The air in that little upstairs room was warmer than that below and the light from the lantern on the dresser was muted and soft. The threadbare mattress looked unstained in that low golden light, cozy and inviting. Well worn wood painted a faded cerulean blue served as a backboard to insulate the bed from the cold metal walls. Outside the tempestuous tapdance of the rain had eased into a gentle serenade, a neat little lullaby gliding across the tin roof smoothly as Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. Nora, soothed by the music of the rain, laid her head on my shoulder gentle as a dove. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, her fingers idly running back and forth across my shoulder, leaving what felt like small sparks beneath my paneling in their wake. Her eyes drifted shut as fatigue finally began to wash over her and she nestled more fully against my chest. She was light in my arms and easy to hold. Too easy.
I laid her down gently on the mattress and she went willingly, curling up sweetly as a tired cat in the warmth of that second story bed. I pulled my jacket more tightly around her tucking it close to her to keep in the heat. And I resisted the urge to lay down beside her on the worn mattress.
Dogmeat trotted up the stairs behind us sensing bedtime approaching and hopped up on the bed snuggling close to Nora's side and laying his head down on his front paws. I gave the mutt a good scratch behind the ears and his tail thumped against the matress apreciatively. Nora yawned, covering a hand over her mouth politely before wrapping her arm around her four-legged friend and burying her nose cutely in the fur of his neck.
"Warm enough now?" I asked gently.
"Definitely." she replied languidly, lifting her head to up to gaze at me with heavy lids as she began to give into the beckoning arms of rest in a safe warm place, more of a rarity in this world than either of us would like to admit.
"Good. Then get some sleep." I kissed her forehead chastely, and if my lips lingered longer than was exactly appropriate neither of us mentioned it. I leaned back to reach over her and dim the lamp before shifting to move away, my tie sliding over her neck. She caught the fabric gently to prevent my immediate retreat. I stilled as she beckoned, caught in her gravity once more.
"Hey Valentine," she called low and sweet and familiar in a way that ached inside me. I gazed down at her not moving an inch as I waited on her words. At my acquiescence her grip loosened on my tie as she leaned up on an elbow closer, always closer. She gazed back at me and my eyelights were stars in her eyes when she gave me a grateful smile that was impossibly warm, "Thanks, for always taking care of me."
I smiled in return reaching out to smooth a wayward lock of hair behind her ear with a cool metal digit, trying not to get tangled in the swirling curl.
"Anytime," I murmured with more tenderness than I meant to let slip and ran my fingertips lightly across her perfect jawline, feeling lucky that she let me touch her at all.
She pressed her cheek into the cold metal of my palm and gazed up at me adoringly from under her lashes like she was the lucky one. A familiar feeling blossomed to life in my chest, it was birdsong and picket fences, fresh air and gentle sleep. I knew that feeling and I hesitated to put a name to it.
I wish it was as easy as wanting something to grind other than my gears, but as much as some of the things I want to do to that woman would make even the most depraved raider blush, other things are as simple and sweet as cherry pie. I wanted to sit across from her in that little diner on South Street drinking coffee, good coffee, and taste it- really taste it. I wanted to laugh at her for feeding that little terrier that sat outside Bova's her bacon scraps like I knew she would and not worry about settlements going hungry. I wanted to walk down the streets of Boston hand in hand and feel the cool fresh breeze in my hair and the soft warmth of her palm pressed against mine, instead of the ghost of a dead woman haunting me. I wanted to stroll with her through the Public Garden in the spring when the cherry trees were in bloom and kiss her long and deep and feel her breath in my lungs. I wanted to lay down with her in the lush green grass sprinkled in pink petals and nap lazily in the noon day sun. Even this very moment I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed beside her now, pillow her head on my chest, and do nothing but listen to the rain as I lulled her to sleep with the sound of my beating heart.
But I wasn't going to have any of those things now was I? I wanted what we had lost. I wanted a world that was taken from us. I wanted impossible things. But there were other things I wanted still more, and it wasn't dreams of the past that haunted me most, it was the dreams of the future.
I wanted to marry her in a church proper dressed to the nines and know that in the catacombs beneath us we had worked to fight for freedom. I wanted to hold our children in my arms and rock them until they fell into sublime slumber safe and sound. I wanted to sit with her in the little treehouse she'd built in the big oak at Sanctuary and look out at the settlements thriving and the world alive again. I wanted to grow old with her and smile at her through our wrinkled faces, with pride in our eyes and love in our hearts knowing that we'd built it all side by side. And when we died old and gray, I wanted more than anything to have a soul. So that together we could go heaven and I'd never be without her.
And when she looked at me like that, like I was some kind of miracle, this hard luck woman who cared for all the world like it was her own, I was beginning to think that maybe just maybe she wanted that too.
She was wearing that kind empathetic smile once more. The one she'd give Hancock when someone would mention his brother or Preston when she didn't make it in time to save a settlement. She was looking at me like she was sorry for the way of the world, like she cared, really cared. And this time in her eyes was something I'd never seen her give to anyone before man or machine. It looked like compassion, and kindness, and something far greater. It looked a lot like love.
And that was the real kicker wasn't it?
It's wasn't that I thought she didn't love me that was the problem.
It was that I knew that she did.
Even as my internal chronometer struck 3:00 a.m on the dot as I pulled away, I could almost believe that it could be enough. That the fact that we couldn't grow old together didn't matter, and that the fact that I'd probably outlive her wouldn't break my heart. I could almost pretend that things were still green grass and blue skies and no matter what curveballs life threw at us we could be as happy and content always as we were now in our little place on third.
Out of all the things I had to inherit, why did it have to be that poor bastard's hope?
My chest plate felt screwed on too tight and I turned away because it hurt too much to look at her anymore. "Well," I said at length, "I'm way past due for a smoke break." she released me and I tightened my tie in an effort to put myself back together as I took a step back, putting some distance between us, "I'm just gonna head out onto the roof so I don't bother ya. I'll try not to wake you when I come back in."
It didn't matter that my smokes were in my jacket pocket or that it was still raining outside, I just needed to get away and clear my head. I fled to the door that lead out to the patio like the coward I was, but as I turned the handle I heard her voice behind me.
"Goodnight Nick," she said softly, and despite the fondness in her tone or perhaps because of it, there was a faint underlying sadness to it.
"Goodnight Nora," I replied and noted with a cringe, an echo of the same sorrow in my own.
The silence hung in the air for a moment, as heavy as the lead I was made of. I could sense her eyes on my back but I didn't dare turn around and face her again. Instead I opened the door and stepped out into the cold chill of the rain, leaving her locked inside.
The door clicked shut behind me with a haunting kind of finality, like the death toll of a church bell at the end of a funeral. The rain pelted down hard at an angle and my hat did nothing for it. The fat drops splashed on what was left of my cheeks and dripped off my chin, the wet soaking through my threadbare shirt as my tie stuck to me like a dead fish. Not for the first time I got a flash of a man I knew I wasn't, standing at the edge of Jenny's grave. The rain pouring down from heaven like God himself was crying for her. Only back then when the rain went sideways it didn't blow through the tears in my skin and pool into the hollow places inside of me.
With a heavy sigh I wiped the rain ineffectively off my face with my metal hand trying not to think about the rust I'd have to scrape off later. Who was I trying to fool? It was only a matter of time before Nora realized life with me was nothing but blood and bullets, always had been and always would be. Romance and me just didn't mix, not now, not ever. Never was the kind of man that could give a doll like that all the things she needed, not before the bombs fell and sure as hell not now that I wasn't even a man. It was only a matter of time until the thrill of crimes and capers with her steely detective wasn't so thrilling anymore, or worse yet, she ended up as dead as Jenny for some foolish cause of mine and I didn't know if I could go through that again.
But there were things more important than me. Things like closure, retribution, and amends. Two more tapes and we'd have what we needed to snake that weasel Eddie Winter out of hiding and put him down for good. Then maybe, just maybe, with Winter six-feet under and Jenny laid to rest I could finally be free. At long last, I could put Nick to bed and begin living life for myself instead of the ghost of some other fellas dream.
I shoved my hands into my empty trouser pockets itching for something I didn't need and didn't have, feeling the weight of my years as I looked out on the ruined city. Rusted out skeletons of campers and tin shacks shuddered under the onslaught of the rain covering what had once been green lawns and cheering fans. The shattered stadium lights were like jagged teeth grinning wickedly like some twisted devil, mocking my foolish naivety. Billboards jutted out like pitchforks, the old slogans advertising an unattainable dream.
I'd curse Nick Valentine for his damn heart but maybe he'd been cursed and I was the result. Livin' for eternity as a pile of scrap in the ruined remains of an irradiated wasteland filled with monsters, a hollow husk of what once had been filled with nothin' but old regrets and lost loves. I should be thankful to the guy. The only reason anyone looks at me twice and doesn't shoot me where I stand is because of him. It's his jokes, his past, his foolish bleeding heart people love, and I wouldn't be a God damn thing without him. No I'd be just that. A thing.
But if I was his sorry excuse for a second chance, wasn't it only right that that guy got a little bit of kindness for all the crap he'd put up with. He'd spent his whole damn life trying to bring justice and do good for the world, and had it thrown in his face again and again. He lost his girl, his career was a sham, the world took everything from him, then went and blew itself all up to hell for his troubles. Hadn't that poor sap suffered enough?
Who knows, all this existential bullshit and he could be up there in heaven right now playing poker with God and loving his girl. But where would that leave me? This world of ones and zeroes and feedback loops could be the only thing I ever got, so maybe I outta make the most of it. Even if I couldn't have the past, or the future I wanted, if all I had was the here and now, couldn't I have a bit of happiness?
The sky had cleared during my reveries and the moon was shining bright on the wet tin roofs of the city, the metal shimmering like newly minted silver. Puddles reflected a myriad of stars and neon lights back up at the sky from the hollow places, while the water purifier cleansed the life giving waters left behind. The great green walls glinted like a jewel in the aftermath of the rain, strong enough to shelter any kind of storm. I looked out on Clemens little church offering solace to those in need, the radio station preserving the soul of musicians long past, the school bus giving children a chance to learn when the sun rose again, and there like a beating heart in the center of it all, Takashi's noodle stand, keeping hunger at bay another night. There it was in all its glory, the tenacity of humanity carved out of a relic of the past thriving and alive again.
My gaze traveled down the dark little alley way that lead to my office illuminated by a bright heart. I thought of that sweet girl, curled up with that mutt safe and sound and warm under my roof in a city I helped to build, and imagined the kinda world we could build side by side. For once I thought not of the life I'd lost, but the one I had found. Leaning back against the door that stood between us I pulled my hat down over my eyes rainwater dripping off the brim and grin tugging at the good side of my face. Maybe it was just that poor bastards hope, but with her in my little place off third in the moonlight, for a moment just a moment, hell sure looked, an awful lot like heaven.