So the basic premise of this idea is to re-imagine the story as a sort of parody of itself. Kind of in the same spirit is an abridged series, except minus the abridged part, since the original show was already pretty tightly compressed in it's 11 minute episode format, and I suck at making things shorter.

Warning for explicit language, mentions of drugs and/or alcohol, sexual innuendo, and my weird sense of humor.

Star and Marco are being aged up to 16 for this to make the premise, and resulting jokes that come with it, just a little bit less... wrong. While keeping them underage so it all still gets to stay just the right amount of wrong ;)

Cover art done by me.

I'm also posting art and comics for this story on tumblr, Deviant Art, and instagram (Uh, find me as SavemefromBordom since this site is still weird about posting anything that resembles a link)

Enjoy~ S.B.

Far away in a magical land called Mewni lived a princess named Star Butterfly.

Who was currently being confronted by her parents.

"Star, we need to talk, about your antics." Moon stated.

"My antics? What antics?" Star awkwardly replied. "Gasp! You're not sending my to St Olga's Conversion Camp for Lesbian Princesses are you? I told you that was just a phase!"

"No Star, we're not talking about those antics." The queen dismissed with an eye roll. The royal pair then began walking over to a nearby window covered by a curtain.

"We're talking about these antics!" River stated as he pulled away the curtain to reveal a half destroyed kingdom on fire with citizens running around screaming completely terrorized.

"Oooh, those antics," the girl nervously laughed. "So what are you going to do?"

Moon walked away from the window. "We're going to do what any self respecting parents with as high of a social standing as us would do with an unruly teenage daughter like you."

"Marry you off and make you some other family's problem!" River quickly interjected.

Star stood there with a worried expression forming on her face. "Um, so, who are you marrying me off to?" She asked. "Rich Pigeon?"

Moon looked aghast "What no, dear. We're not going to marry you to a pigeon."

"Then who? Tom? Wait! Not Rock Johanson, he's my cousin!"

Moon quickly dismissed the last one. "No Star, we haven't done that in generations."

"We're going to marry you to someone not on Mewni." River then added

"Huh?"

"Yes," Moon quickly clarified. "In another dimension. Far away. Where you can't cause us any trouble. A safer dimension. A dimension called Earth."

...

"I'm sorry can you please repeat that?" The principal asked as two weirdly dressed strangers who arrived at his school through some portal in a carriage pulled by lion chimera things sat across from his desk. Meanwhile, their teenage daughter stood across the room turning the light switch on and off.

Click, click.

Click, click.

"And you said there was no magic on earth!"

River cleared his throat and proceeded to repeat himself. "We are a King and Queen from another dimension and we are looking to marry our lovely daughter off to a nice strapping young lad of your dimension."

"And what made you think I would be able to help you with that?"

"We heard your 'schools'" Moon replied air quoting on the last word, "are just brimming with young eligible men who would be perfect for our daughter. "

"Yeah, I'm a highschool principle, not a matchmaker. And I don't know how you do things on this 'Mewni' or where ever the H E double hockey sticks you're from, but that's not really how we do things here. So if you could kindly take your lion carriage, and your daughter, and please escort yourselves off our premises, that would be great."

The king and queen then exchanged glances at each other, before looking back to the principle smiling.

"If you were to help us find a suitable husband for our daughter" River spoke up, reaching to pull up a medium sized chest onto the desk between them, "you would receive a handsome commision," he then proceeded to open the chest "of her dowry!"

The principal's eyes nearly jumped out of his skull at the site of the gold and jewels before him. "Holy Moby Dick!" He instantly composed himself "Why yes, I do believe I have a sucker- I mean bachelor, that would be perfect for your lovely angel!" he stated as he began to look through his student files on his computer, "Just one moment."

Click, click.

Click, click.

"Star will you quit that already!"

...

"Marco Diaz! Marco Diaz to the principal's office!" the voice blared over the loudspeaker.

Suddenly a young man with brown hair and eyes eagerly got up from his desk.

"Oh, would you look at that? Marco Diaz, resident bad boy, is being summoned to the principal's office." He gloated to his fellow classmates. None looked impressed. Not that it stopped him. "I guess everybody who voted me safest kid in school, is finally catching on to the truth. I'm a rebel. I'm bad news. You wanna know what I did?" he asked getting in the face of one of his female classmates.

"Not really," the girl replied.

"I was caught smoking pot! Right outside the teacher's lounge. Yeah, bad boy to the max."

The girl just stared at him blankly "You know marijuana's legal now right? It's, like, not even considered bad anymore."

"Wha?"

Another voice popped up from the back of the classroom. "Yeah! My grandpa uses it for his arthritis!"

The young man turned around making fists as the other kids began to laugh. "Damnit"

"Just go already" the teacher exclaimed.

"Wait you didn't give me a hall pass."

"What a dork!"

...

"Ah Marco, there you are!" The principal excitedly exclaimed as he rushed up placing an arm around the teenage boy's shoulder.

"Look if this is about the pot I was caught smoking it wasnt even-"

"What? No boy, we here at Echo Creek are happy to accommodate any and all medical needs for our students."

"Hmmf."

"No Marco I called you hear because I have a special assignment just perfect for kid like you. Say, you're single right?"

"What?"

"Haha, of course you are! A safe, takes no chances, practical, nice guy like you doesn't have a chance in dodging the friendzone of the average high school girl."

"Somehow my principle commenting on my love life doesn't seem appropriate."

"Haha, oh safe kid!" The principal laughed playfully slapping his shoulder. "Anyway, allow me to introduce you to our new foreign exchange student, Star Butterfly. She needs a nice young man to uh, show her around. Yeah that's right."

"Uh, is that her over there, trying to eat the drinking fountain?"

"Haha, ain't she a doll!" The principal exclaimed slapping his shoulder again. "Well I'll leave you to it. Now, if you excuse me, daddies going to the ice cream shop to get all 52 flavors. Haha!"

"Wait, I don't think that's the direction of the ice cream shop! Sigh."

Marco then turned to the blonde haired girl with heart marks on her cheeks who had now stopped trying to eat the drinking fountain and was now glaring at it intensely.

"So, uh, hi there, uh, Star was it? I guess I'll be showing you around the school."

"Okay- that's coo- ooohhh" Star turned around and got her first glimpse at the man who would now be her betrothed. Hearts in her eyes, and drool leaking down her mouth, she was instantly smitten.

Meanwhile back on Mewni, the King and Queen had just gotten back after dumping their daughter off.

"Well that settles that."

"River, Are we doing the right thing?" the Queen exclaimed with uncertainty.

"Sure we are! Come on she'll be fine. There's no magic on earth. She can't get into too much trouble. Soon she'll be married, and have little rascals of her own causing mayhem, and she'll be the one sending them off to get married in another dimension. Everything will be fine."

The queen let out a sigh, "I guess you're right."

The two began walking down the hall of their castle when Moon suddenly stopped, her eyes widened with realization... before narrowing with absolute rage. "She took my wand, didn't she..." she stated through gritted teeth.

"Oh, that could be a problem."

While back on earth, the young woman was eagerly following her new husband-to-be completely enamored, and not listening to single word he was saying. All while nibbling on a small magic pink wand with a star and wings on it.

"Look whatever they say about me is wrong," Marco began unaware that his words were falling on deaf ears. "Watch out! Falling ceiling tile!" he exclaimed pulling Star out of the way as a ceiling tile almost crushed her. "Huh, this school can get kind of dangerous. Someone should probably do something about that."

"So cute, so safe" Star muttered in her daze. Marco continued but Star didn't hear any of it. She was too preoccupied, staring at his face, his eyes, his cute little mole.

"Watch out! Pile of used heroin needles. Huh, someone should probably do something about that too." Marco then continued, finishing off his speech with "Frankly, I like taking risks and would welcome a little danger in my life."

Somehow Star was able to pull herself out of her daze just enough to catch the last part. Danger? He wants danger in his life? Oh she could give him danger!

Suddenly with a pink poof a small innocent butterfly was turned into a giant flying monster. It screamed right in Marco's face then proceeded to grab a nearby student flying off with him. "It's cool, I needed an excuse to get out of my math test anyway!"

"What the fuck was that?" Marco exclaimed in terror.

"Well you said you wanted a little danger in your life." Star replied with a giggle.

Marco then proceed to slowly take a step back from the strange girl. "What are you?"

"I'm your new magical girlfriend from another dimension!" she replied with a big smile as she proceed to spin around and created a magical rainbow covered in cute critters who looked at Marco with big adorable eyes… until the rainbow suddenly burst into flames.

Marco looked in shock. Then his face suddenly turned into a huge smile. "Okay, that concludes our tour!" he stated clasping his hands together. "I'm going home now." He turned around and started to walk away. Then the grin morphed into a look of pure terror as his walk turned into full on sprint.

"Okay, bye future husband! Bye!" Star waved, completely oblivious to the school fire alarm going off, the sounds of kids screaming, and the sirens as fire trucks and ambulances raced to the scene. "Star Butterfly, you sure nailed that one! You got that boy hook, line, and sinker. He's so happy he's running home to tell his parents the good news. Speaking of which…"

...

"Mom, dad, schools on fire we were all sent home early- whaaaaaat are you doing here?"

Marco walked into his house to instantly get blindsided by the sight of an unfortunately familiar looking blonde haired girl with pink heart marks on her cheeks sitting looking quite cozy on his couch between his parents.

"Hello future husband!"

"Oh Marco, we were just getting to know your new girlfriend." his mother exclaimed.

"My what?"

"Uh fiance." Star quicky corrected.

"Oh sorry. Your fiance. Hehe."

"My what!?"

"Oh Marco, you didn't tell us you were such a ladies man to score such a energetic and lively girl as this." his father replied slapping him on the shoulder.

"I just met her today!"

"You work fast, just like your father. Haha."

"What is going on here?"

"Surprise!" the girl squealed "we're engaged!

"We're WHAT?"

"We're getting married!"

"WHAT?" Marco then held up his hands as he slowly started to back away from the whole situation. "No no. Nonono. No no. I am not marrying this crazy person!"

"Of course you are!" his mother exclaimed smiling happily. "Her parents even gave us a dowry."

"Huh? Wait your selling me off?"

"What? No sweetie" his mother quickly corrected. "Her parents sell her off to us... with a bribe."

"You can't marry me off. I'm sixteen!"

"Oh, son don't worry," His father replied. "We all have cold feet at first, but soon you'll learn to appreciate the companionship and affection that comes with marriage."

"I could get that from a puppy!"

Star suddenly jumped up with glee "Oh. My. Gosh! I love puppies!"

Then suddenly with another pink poof a litter of puppies magically appeared in the middle of the living room. Marco's parents quickly looked in awe. Until a bunch of laser beams began shooting from their eyes almost destroying the room.

Marco's parents still looked at them aweing unfazed by the lasers. "So cute" his father stated picking up one of the puppies. That then proceeded to shoot him in the face. "Ow my eyes! I think I'm blind!"

Marco quickly glared at Star who looked back at him a bit sheepishly.

"It's okay, I can still feel their cuteness."

His mom quickly spoke up "Oh I know! Marco, let's go show Star to your room." She grabbed Stars hand and rushed to the stairs.

"Wait, did you say my room?"

"Well of course," His mother stated from the middle of the stairs. "It's okay dear. you can share a room with your girlfriend."

"Fiance," Star corrected again.

"Even better!" the mother-in-law-to-be then leaned in to whisper to the girl "It's okay, you can still wear white for the wedding we won't tell." The two giggled as they ran up the rest of the way to Marco's room.

Marco couldn't believe what he was hearing "Wait, you're gonna let your teenage son share a bedroom with a girl he just met?" He asked following them as his mother opened up the door to his room.

"We like to think of ourselves as the 'cool' parents." His mother replied shoving him into the bedroom with Star. "We trust you! To practice safe sex. Since your the safety kid."

"Stop calling me safety kid!"

"Have fun you two. We're off to go look up second homes in Maui! Bye! Make good choices!" His mother shouted as she left the two teenagers alone.

Star then proceed to take a look around the teen boy's bedroom. "Oh not too shabby, but could use a bit of a, haha, woman's touch." She then pulled out her wand and began to chant "Mystic Sucking Room Transformo!... Uh oh…"

Suddenly a giant black hole appeared in the middle of the room pulling all of Marco's things inside of it. The two clung the door frame barely able to pull themselves out of the room as the hole threatened to suck them inside it too.

"Suck? Suck? Why was the word suck in that?" Marco yelled as they slammed the door behind them.

"I don't know it just kind of came out that way! I think I might have a bit of an oral fixation. Uh, come on it's not so bad, cheer up!" Star proceed to try to cheer Marco up with up mini sun above his head. That ended up turning into a perpetual raincloud. "Oh, um, oops."

"Soggy. Socks." Marco gritted through his teeth. He couldn't stand soggy socks!

"Don't worry, I'm sure one day when we're old and married we'll look back on all this and laugh. Haha."

"Okay that is it! I'm done! We are not getting married! We are not sharing a room! You think you can come in from another dimension and just completely take over my life? Well, let me tell you something, Marco Diaz does not marry psycho magical girls from other dimensions!" The boy then proceed to to walk over to the window.

"Wait! Marco what are you doing?"

"You can't force me to walk down the aisle if both of my legs are broken!" He replied with a psychotic laugh as he prepared to jump out the window of the second story.

"What? Wait, Marco! No stop!" The blonde girl tried to stop him from jumping but she was too late.

"Owe."

The girl hesitantly looked out the window see Marco laying on a bunch of pointy plants in the front yard. "Are you okay?"

"Unfortunately the cactuses broke my fall."

"Are your legs broken?"

"No. Now I'm just in a lot of pain." To prove the point of the lack of broken legs, he got up and began to walk away. "Look just leave me alone!" He shouted back at her as walked, then added "And when you come to my house you bring toilet paper!"

"What's toilet paper?" Star asked to herself. Then she looked up to notice a giant muscular frog man standing on the tree branch just outside of the window. "Uh, hi."

The frog man suddenly jumped in surprise at being noticed. "Uh, you did not see anything." he stated as he grabbed a pair of scissors, cutting a portal in thin air, and jumping through it.

"Earth sure has some interesting wildlife for a dimension with no magic."

...

"Here he comes, here he comes, here he comes," The young man was standing outside a local Stop and Slurp, rain cloud still overhead, as he eyed a customer walking up to the front entrance "Hey you! You got any pot?" he shouted.

"Uh, excuse me?" The customer asked looking very uncomfortable.

Marco grabbed him by the shirt "You see that old man cashier over there? He's got a joint stashed away in the break room, I know it! He uses it for his arthritis. But he won't give me none 'cuz I'm sogg-eh."

"You're crazy man!" The guy shouted and he yanked himself free and ran away.

"Uh, hey Marco." The boy jumped suddenly before turning around to see a familiar blonde girl approaching him.

His eyes narrowed as he stared at her "Did you bring toilet paper?"

The girl rolled her eyes. "No, I came to apologize" She then waved her wand and with a poof the rain cloud was gone. He let out a sigh of relief to be rid of that, but still glared at her. Star tried to ignore the glare and continued.

"Look, I know it's hard to just suddenly have your whole life flipped upside down, and your parents want to push you off to marry some random stranger from another dimension. But, when I first saw you, I thought you were really cute, and sweet, showing me around the school, trying to keep me safe and stuff. I guess I just got a little carried away. I won't force you marry me, I'll find someone else. Maybe your dimension has a pigeon who's rich too."

Marco looked at her in disbelief "Wait, you think I'm cute?" He then opened his mouth about to say something else before being cut off by the sight of a bunch of giant looming figures that were approaching them. "Uh, St-St- Star?"

"Yeah?" The girl looked up at him hopefully, then noticed the he was gesturing to something behind her. "Huh?"

"Hello Star Butterfly!" A voice shouted.

"Gasp! It's- uh who are you?" The magical princess asked confused as she stared at the group of monsters that appeared to be led by some small deformed looking bird thing wearing a skull on his head.

"What? I'm Ludo. Your arch nemesis?" The small monster replied.

"Yeah I'm pretty sure I've never seen you before in my life. Wait are you related to Rich Pigeon?"

"What? No!"

"You sure 'cause you kind of look like a pigeon. Well more like a mutated baby pigeon."

"I'm not a pigeon! Get her!"

Star quickly raised her wand prepared to fight off the monsters with magic, but before she had time to muster up a spell she was interrupted by Marco, of all people, who jumped up attacking the monsters instead.

"You can fight?"

"I may know a little karate," the boy replied as he started beating up the monsters.

"A little?" Star replied as the boy was quickly laying waste to the much larger and stronger opponents. "Well, gee, if that's not an understatement!"

Ludo angrily glared at the frog monster. "You said she was unguarded. No more ice cream privileges for you!" Then he turned back to the blonde girl. "Star Butterfly!" he announced "I'm here to steal your wand!"

Marco suddenly looked up from fighting "Wand? Wait, what wand?"

"Oh he's talking about this thing," The girl replied holding up the small pink wand in her hand. "You know, that I've been using to do all the magic. It's like some family heirloom or something. Swiped it off my mom before she left. Does all kinds of cool stuff. Makes a neat back scratcher." As if to prove her point, she suddenly took the wand and quickly used it to scratch a spot on her back. "Oh yeah that's the spot."

Ludo started reaching out to grab it while Star was in the middle of her explanation. But she quickly noticed yanking it out of his reach.

"Star Butterfly!" the monster repeated. "I'm here to steal your wand!... That you stole from your mother!" he added.

"Yeah, your wand stealing abilities are going to need to be a lot sharper than that if wanna get this baby from me. Maybe I can give a few pointers."

"Really? That would actually be very helpfu-"

"Bubble Beam!"

"Aaahhhahooo You got me in the eye!" the tiny, not pigeon, exclaimed holding his eye. Then he looked back at his monsters with his one good eye and yelled "Well, don't just stand there! Get the wand you imbeciles!"

The monsters charged towards them. Marco braced himself but this time Star was the one to spring first.

"Hyperbeam Blast!" she shouted.

"Solar Beam Ray!"

"Midnight Munchie Mist!"

"Want some more little pigeon man?" Star asked looming over the small monster as all his minions lay defeated on the ground.

"No." ludo replied. He got up, and pulled out a pair of scissors cutting a portal through the air. "You see you morons, this is what happens when you spend all your time eating ice cream! All of you are losing your ice cream privileges! And I'm getting rid of the sprinkle dispenser in the break room. Now get up and let's go! Into the portal, into the portal. Ugh, you even retreat like whiny little bitches!"

"I'm freaking out man!" the frog man shouted as he stumbled into the portal, still under the effect of the Midnight Munchie Mist.

"Oh stop being such a baby, I just renewed your medical card. Mark my words, you have not seen the last of me Star Butterfly!"

Marco walked up to the girl stunned.

"That was… TERRIFYING! What the hell? As if you weren't a menace enough! Now we have to worry about a bunch of monsters attacking us all the time too? And- and- okay admittedly it was kind of cool."

"Okay, well I guess I'll be going then." Star stated, remembering the conversation they were having before they got interrupted.

Marco looked at the sad girl as she slowly walked away. Just let her go Marco. He thought to himself. She's crazy! She's a complete psychopath! Think of how she destroyed your room! Think about how she almost got you killed! Think about the soggy socks! Think of- damnit why did he have to be such a nice guy.

"Star wait!" Marco winced as the words fell out of his mouth. He couldn't believe he was doing this.

The princess stopped and turned around.

Against all better judgement, Marco continued "Sure you set my school on fire with a flaming rainbow, blinded my dad with a laser puppy, destroyed my room with a black hole, and got my socks soggy with a rain cloud…" Marco paused to take a deep breath. Wait, why was he doing this again? Ah screw it, too late to stop now. "But, I did have bit of fun fighting monsters with you… I guess. And I think my parents already put a down payment on a house in Maui with the money your parents gave them, sooooo... I guess the least we could do is let you keep living with us."

"Oh Marco!" the girl jumped up with glee, yanking him into a deathgrip of a hug. "I can't wait till the wedding!"

"Whatever, let's just go home." The boy replied as he pulled himself free and began to walk home. "Wait let's cross at the light."

"Whatever you say…. future husband!" Star squealed with delight.

"Uh yeah, we're going to have to talk about that."

"Gasp, talk wedding plans!?"

"Uh, no."

"We can pick out which inspirational quote we'll put on our chalkboard sign! Oh, how do you feel about lace and burlap?"

"I don't think so."

"What about just the burlap?"

"There's not going to be a wedding Star."

"Gasp! You want to elope? Oh you are a bad boy!"

"On second thought, maybe it would be better if I just let a car hit me right now."

...

Later that night.

"Welp, room's still sucked into black hole. Guess im sleeping on the couch," the boy announced as he hopped on the living room sofa.

"Wait!" the princess replied. "I can fix it!" Marco hesitantly followed her as she rushed up the stairs to the closed door that used to be Marcos room.

"Happy couple room redo!" she chanted. With a satisfied look on her face she then proceeded to open the door.

"Wow," Marco let out in awe as he walked to the new room. It was huge! The ceilings towered overhead, there was even a stair case leading up to an upper loft, a couch, and his eyes fell onto a giant four poster bed. "This is amazing."

"Isn't it perfect. And the best part is we get to share it!"

"Right…." Marco replied awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Share...The two of us, together… and there's only one bed…." he added looking over to the giant bed that was certainly big enough for two. "Screw it I'm still sleeping on the couch."

And there we have it. Let me know what you think.