Disclaimer: I own nothing but unhealthy addictions and serious mental issues.

The characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, the title comes from the song Cracks Begin To Show by Freestylers, the quotes at the beginning of the chapters come from the beautiful song called 13 Beaches by the brilliant Lana Del Rey.

2017
DECEMBER

"it hurts to love you"

I knock on the door of the study, then wait a few seconds. Not for a "Come in!", he never says that, but to give him time to say "Not now". When he doesn't, I open the door and step in.

I walk to stand in front of the table he sits behind. I hope he doesn't see my fingers trembling as I put the document in my hand on the wooden surface. But of course, he doesn't even glance my way, he just raises his index finger in the air without looking away from the computer screen, to indicate that I should stay put until he finishes reading something.

I've seen him do this a thousand times before – he always does this when I interrupt him while he's working. I used to be sure that it's perfectly understandable that he doesn't want to lose his train of thoughts when it can be avoided. I know I shouldn't be bothered by this. Even as I get annoyed now, I realize I'm being irrational. There are so many things over which I have a right to get angry, this is not one of them. But I can't help it.

I look at the chair right next to me, and consider sitting down, but I decide against it. I don't plan on spending too much time here. I feel anxious, and I put my fingers behind my back to hide the way they shake.

As I shift my weight from one leg to the other, he quickly types something, then finally looks first at me, then to the papers on his table. I see him freeze when he sees the title of the document, and his tired frame immediately seems very aware.

"What is this, Isabella?" he asks with a staggering look.

I don't comment on the fact that I've seen him read the head of the paper, so he should know exactly what it is. His glance burns my skin, and even after everything I've been through, the fact that he uses my whole name to make a point makes my heart tug painfully. "Divorce papers," I whisper.

"Why are they on my table?"

He seems a little angry, and I feel tempted to just bolt, but I stand my ground.

"Edward, we've been sleeping in different rooms for months now. The longest sentence you've said to me in the last few weeks was: 'Do you need anything from the store?' I can't imagine this came as a surprise for you."

"We've been working things out!" he exclaims, gritting his teeth.

"What part of this was working things out? The way you sneaked into my room two days ago to fuck me and then leave the minute you were finished without saying a single word?" I feel my throat closing up with rage, shame and ache, and I take a deep a breath to calm myself. I swore I wouldn't cry in front of him, or preferably wouldn't cry at all.

"You turned your back to me!" he snarls, then gets up from his seat to pace around the limited room behind the table.

"To hide my tears, Edward! I felt used!" I cry out, and my voice goes up dangerously high on the last few words. I don't want to accept the fact that I can't make it through this conversation, so I try to make it as short as possible. "Look, Edward, the lawyer said that our prenup makes the process a lot easier and quicker."

"Don't bring up that freaking prenup!" he shouts as he stops his pacing to slam his hand down on the table. I twitch. Before our marriage, I was the one who insisted to have a contract. I wanted to make sure he and his whole family would see that I'm not in this for their money, and I didn't bulge under his constant insistent that everyone knows that.

He falls back into his chair with a pained sigh. His voice is weak and hoarse as he continues. "Do you remember what I told you when you drew up the prenup?"

"Yes," I answer, and I look away. Lately I've been doing everything to avoid thinking about the happy moments and sweet declarations about his undying love. The contrast in the fact that all of them became a distant memory made my skin crawl.

"Repeat it," he commands.

I want to tell him to go fuck himself, but I find myself repeating his words from years ago in a whisper. "You've said that if I ever end up divorcing you, I might as well just take all your money because you will already have nothing left either way."

The silence that falls on the room after that is thick and meaningful. He slowly rubs his face with his hands.

"Now tell me again how the prenup makes the process quick and easy," he groans, and my heart breaks a little at his expression.

"I decided that this isn't going anywhere when you left me in our room two days ago," I speak up suddenly, and I lift my hand to stop him when I see he wants to cut in. "I went to your office the next day with the intent of giving you an ultimatum. Either you finally agree to make some momentous changes for me, or we're over. So I turned up, and found you there flirting with Tanya shamelessly."

I feel my guts clench at the memory, and I have to swallow hard to try and get rid of the hardness in my throat.

"I recognized it for what it was. I knew you would never cheat on me. You knew I was there – this was payback for having dinner with Jacob two days prior. But another thought came to me then – that dinner was the reason you came into my room the night before. To mark me, to prove that I'm still yours. But the most scorching thing was the sudden realization that flirting with Tanya was a direct attempt to hurt me."

A single teardrop slides down my face, and I don't even try to stop it or hide it. There's no point. Edward looks at me dumbfoundedly.

"We've had our big fights, and you've hurt me before, but never on purpose. That was something you always tried to avoid at all costs. So that made it clear for me that we reached the point of no return."

He stands up abruptly and takes a step towards me, but I raise my hand to signal him to stop.

"Sign the papers, Edward. This marriage is over. Probably has been for a while."

2007
SEPTEMBER

"something separates me from other people"

I stumble in my steps as I step around the corner of the school building. This is my fourth day in Forks High, and I've spent my lunches on the first three sitting alone on a bench behind the cafeteria. But that bench is occupied now.

The boy sitting there looks up just as I want to turn around and look for a different dining spot. He must see my expression, because he says, "I'm sorry, is this your spot?"

I slowly take a step towards him, then shrug. "Considering this is my first week, I don't think I am entitled to claim spots as my own yet."

As I speak, I realize I've seen this boy before. He's one of the popular kids, handsome, tall, and confident. I have no idea why he would seek out this bench that is obviously made for losers and new fishes like me. But as I study his posture a little more, I realize he lacks the usual smugness. As he leans his elbows on his knees, rubbing his forehead with one hand, playing with a leaf with the other, he almost looks broken.

"Do you mind if I join you?" The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop myself.

He shakes his head slowly, and I sit down. I fish my lunch box out of my backpack and start unwrapping my sandwich.

"Edward Cullen, right?" I ask while trying to figure out whether I should talk to him at all or just leave him alone.

He nods. "And you're Chief Swan's daughter?"

"Bella," I reply, and I offer my hand towards him. He drops the leaf and shakes my hand lightly. He lets go of my fingers after a few seconds, but he doesn't turn away from me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I inquire as I take a bite.

He bows his head down and starts examining the ground. I regret being so pushy immediately. I try to hide behind my sandwich and avoid looking his way, so I'm surprised when he decides to speak up.

"I found out last night that I'm adopted." His words are barely audible, and I almost drop my food as I realize what he just said.

What the hell am I supposed to say to that? I wouldn't know how to comfort a friend in this situation, let alone a stranger. "I'm… sorry?" He smiles at me weakly. "Do you want a hug or something?"

I flinch at my own words, thinking I'm an idiot. He opens his mouth, closes it, then shakes his head as if to clear his mind. "I think I'd love a hug right now."

So I put my sandwich back to the lunch box beside me and hug him. It's a little uncomfortable, considering the way we are sitting next to each other, and pretty awkward, considering the fact that we don't know each other. But as his arms come around my back, pulling me to him tightly, it feels strangely right.

He lets go after a few minutes. "Thank you."

I smile at him reassuringly.

"Have you been eating out here by yourself every day?" he asks, and I feel my face heat up with embarrassment.

"I don't know anybody here, and I'm not a very social person." I reply without looking at him.

"Well, you know me now," he smiles as he starts to get up. "You could sit with me and my friends tomorrow, if you want."

Then he takes off, and I feel my lips tug upward. Maybe living here won't be as bad as I thought.

2018
JANUARY

"can I let go?"

I feel my heart clench as I step silently into the house that I used to call ours. I really hope I can just leave the keys and get out without Edward noticing I'm here – but of course he chooses this moment to step into the foyer.

"Hi," I whisper, putting the keychain on the table. He looks dumbfounded. "Look, I'm out of here in a second, just wanted to return this. See you tomorrow, right?"

I force a smile on my face before I turn away to head to the door.

"Bella," Edward shouts as he grabs my arm to pull me back. I shake his hand off me because I can't handle his touch now, but I do turn back to him. "Can we talk about this for a second?"

"Edward," I sigh. I rub my face before going on. "Please don't make this harder than it has to be. The sooner we accept that it's over the sooner we start healing from this."

"I… I don't want to start healing from this, but that's not what I meant anyway."

The look on his face breaks my heart, and it takes every ounce of self-control I have to refrain from just pulling him in my arms. That's what I used to do every time he looked like his world was falling apart. But I can't be that person for him anymore.

"Look, I want to talk about tomorrow, okay? Please, just… could you just come in, and talk about this without our lawyers?" he says, grabbing my hand and tugging on it.

This is not asking. This is begging. I feel conflicted, because I don't want to end up being the one who makes things harder. I know I should be able to talk to him, his sister is my best friend, it's not like we won't run into each other on occasion. I have to learn to act normal around him. But right now, it just hurts so much I can barely stand being around him.

"Okay," I manage to answer.

We head to the kitchen, and when he asks me what I'd like to drink, I say whiskey, because I feel like I'm going to need something strong for this conversation. He mentions the fact that I don't even like whiskey, and I shrug. Lately, I've been having a hard time enjoying anything anyway.

"So," he starts as he sits down on the other side of the counter on a bar stool. He puts a glass in front of me, another in front of himself, then pours some Jameson for the both of us. "Please, hear me out before saying anything."

I nod, and he drinks the whole glass and refills it before continuing.

"I want to talk about the terms of our prenup. No interruptions!" he reminds me softly but firmly when he sees me opening my mouth. I remain silent. "The contract says that we keep everything we've had before our marriage and we divide everything we earned during our marriage, and I don't think that's right. I signed it back then because I thought it wouldn't matter anyway, but now it does, and it's just not fair. Right after we got married, you started working while I just used my trust fund."

At that, I can't help myself. "I'm sorry, I know you said no interruptions, but what you're saying is irrelevant! We rented an apartment, you paid your half, I paid mine. It doesn't matter how we got the money for it. As a matter of fact, you bought most of the furniture that the place needed. So I think if any of us owes the other for that time, it's me."

"Like hell!" he exclaims a little too loudly. "You never would have rented an apartment as big as that if it weren't for me. God, your scholarship would have paid for your accommodation if you would have chosen to live in a dormitory. I was the one who insisted on that place. Anyway, after we graduated, you had a job while I had an unpaid internship. And you kept earning a lot more money than I did up until the point I talked you into leaving your job to come and start working for the foundation. So how am I supposed to let you walk away with next to nothing?"

I finish my drink, too, before replying. "I have more than enough, and I got back my old job, so I'll be fine. I never needed a house this big or an expensive car…"

"You just needed me, right?" he asks bitterly. "But I stopped being there for you."

"Edward, please don't do this."

I really don't want to talk about this again. His penance is painful to hear, but it won't change the last few years.

"But how can I not do this?" His voice is chocked up. "How can I live with myself after ruining the best thing that ever happened to me?"

"Edward," I warn him sternly. "Stop this! You made mistakes, and I did, too. But we got married at eighteen! And the people around us were wrong. They all said our marriage wouldn't last because there's no way you could love your high school sweetheart forever. They were wrong. But what they should have told us is that love is not enough. That life kicks you and tries to bring you down, and love is not enough to keep you up."

"Bella, I…"

I feel like I'm going to faint, but I manage to say goodbye without tears.

"I will always love you, Edward. But this love is no longer enough. See you tomorrow."

2007
OCTOBER

"feeling hazy in the ballroom of my mind"

I grab my purse from between my legs, and look up to open the door, but Edward is already doing it for me. It feels weirdly gentlemanly, and we smile at each other awkwardly after I get out.

"So, are Alice and Jasper already here?" I say after clearing my throat.

At that, Edward looks at the ground. I'm about to ask him if something's wrong when he finally answers.

"They texted me saying that they are going to be late and we should be heading in without them."

Oh, I get it now. He seemed embarrassed because now it's just the two of us, and that makes this whole thing look like a date. Before I could offer to wait for Alice and Jasper anyway, he grabs my hand and drags me to the ticket office. He buys two tickets and refuses to accept my money.

"It was like ten bucks, Bella, chill!" he yells laughing as he pulls me to the fair, not letting go of my hand.

I really like his palm in mine. In the last few weeks, I developed a rather huge crush on him, and I really wish he returned it, but I don't want to be ridiculous. Guys like him don't fall for girls like me.

And if I dared to talk to Alice about this, I know she would be angry, saying I should stop putting myself down. She wouldn't understand that this is only me seeing myself for what I am. An average looking girl with a mild social anxiety and loads of insecurities, crushing on the hottest guy in the school. This could be the perfect teenage movie cliché, but our school is too small to be really divided into cliques, and it's not like I'm going to end up with the hot love interest.

Edward stops suddenly and turns to me with excitement on his face. I look up at the weird tower in front of us, and I immediately take a step back, letting go of his hand.

"No way!" I state firmly.

"Come on!" he yells over the crowd's noises with a huge smirk. "Extreme Scream is my favorite ride!"

"This thing is called Extreme Scream, and you expect me to sit on it?!" I shout, my voice a pitch higher than the usual.

"Please, Bella?" he pleads with freaking puppy eyes.

I try to stand my ground, but I give up after a few moments with a big sigh. "If I feel like I'm going to throw up, I'm going to make sure to do it on your lap!"

He laughs loudly at that.

As we sit in our seats on the tower thing and wait for all the people to get seated, Edward grabs my hand again. It feels just a little too good when he does that.

"Just hold onto my hand, and squeeze it as hard as you need to," he says calmly as we start slowly going up.

I can't answer him because my stomach is already in knots from fear, so I just shoot him an angry glance. He opens his mouth, but then we suddenly start rising incredibly fast, and I don't even realize I'm screaming until we stop at the top.

As I look down and become nauseous from the height, I hear Edward yelling next to me, squeezing my fingers. "The way up is way less scary than the way down."

In a second, I learn he speaks the truth. I think I'm going to break a few bones in his hands, and I might lose my voice from screaming. The machine keeps lifting us up and throwing us down in various speeds and heights, and I spend most of the time with my eyes shut, praying to an unknown deity to get me off this thing.

Then, after a few minutes that seem like hours, the ride stops, and I feel Edward pulling me from my seat. My hands and legs shake, so he puts his arm around my waist and leads me away to sit me down on the ground.

"Are you okay?" he asks with worry in his voice.

He squats in front of me, and I shoot another angry look at him before I cover my face with my hands. He starts rubbing my back, whispering he's sorry.

After a minute, I feel like I'm going to live, so I start to get up. He's up on his feet quickly and helps me up.

"You better win me the biggest stuffed bear in the shooting gallery for that!" I grumble at him in an annoyed voice.

He laughs again, so I don't freak out after I realize that boys usually shoot stuffed animals for their girlfriends.

"You totally hated it?"

"Yes!" I yell. He searches my face, and I can't help a little smile escaping me. "Okay, it was kind of exciting."

His face lights up.

"Don't get too happy! The scariest ride you will ever again talk me into is bumper cars."

"I love bumper cars!" he cheers, and he starts dragging me again.

After a few rides of bumping our cars into each other's, we get hungry, so we decide to look for something to eat. I would love to have a hamburger, but I know I would end up with mustard on my whole face and pickles on my dress, so I try to come up with something else.

I decide on a hotdog while Edward buys himself a panini. When I see him watching me closely as I raise the hotdog to my mouth, I immediately regret my choice. Eating phallic shaped food requires confidence, which I do not have, so I end up blushing and looking awkward.

As I clean my face with a napkin, I realize I did manage to land a bunch of mustard on my face anyway. I look up at Edward, and he's trying to hide a smirk.

"What?"

"There's just…" He brushes his fingers against my cheek, then cleans his hand with his napkin. "You missed a little mustard."

I don't have enough time to feel embarrassed over that, because that moment, I realize we stand a little too close. We lock eyes, and he looks at me a little funny. I'm uncomfortable, because this feels like a perfect moment to kiss, but I know he's not going to kiss me.

"Where are Alice and Jasper anyway?" I ask suddenly, stepping away from him. His proximity messes with my head.

"I don't know!" he answers in a rather harsh tone. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, I don't know what got into me. Come on, I think I still owe you a stuffed bear. I'll text Jasper on the way."

We head to the shooting gallery, and he grabs my hand again to avoid losing me in the crowd. I hate how I know I'm going to miss holding his hand when this day is over.

He doesn't win me the biggest stuffed animal, but he manages to get a decent sized pink unicorn. I assure him I don't have enough space in my bed for a life-sized bear anyway, but he keeps grumbling about how the game was rigged.

I laugh, then I suggest getting some cotton candy as a consolation prize. As we sit at a table, licking cotton candy from our fingers, the sun begins to set. He keeps stealing little pieces of my cotton candy, but he always raises his own away from me too quickly with a smirk on his face, so I can't return the favor. We laugh a lot, and I feel like I'm having the best date of my life, even though this isn't even a date, and I never had one, so what do I know anyway.

I try calling Alice, but she doesn't answer her phone. I start to get worried. As I check the time on my phone, I realize we've been here for more than three hours.

"Oh my God, Edward!" I shout as I put away my phone quickly and start getting up. "Do you think something happened to them?"

"Calm down, Bella," he says with a sigh while tugging me to sit back down. "I wasn't exactly honest with you."

"What do you mean?" I ask confusedly.

"Alice and Jasper are not coming. That was never the plan."

"What? Why?" I still don't get it, but a stupid hope rises in my chest that he wanted to be alone with me.

"I…" he says, then grabs my hand and pulls me a little closer to him. "God, I suck at this. I wanted to ask you out on a date, but when I did, you asked me who else is coming. I chickened out, and I tried to make it look like it was a group thing, so you would come."

I laugh with my whole heart at that. Edward Cullen was scared I wouldn't want to go out with him. That is the funniest thing I've heard in a while.

"You're such a dork!" I shout with a new-found confidence, hitting his shoulder gently with my hand that he held a minute ago. "Edward, I asked that to avoid misinterpreting you and having the false hope this is a date when it's not."

He looks at me like he doesn't understand what's going on. I chuckle again, and I use his distractedness to finally steal a piece of his cotton candy.

"Hmm," I start. "Mine is better."

"It is," he whispers as I put a huge piece of mine in my mouth. Just as I swallow it, he leans forward suddenly and kisses me.

The kiss is short, and I don't even have time to realize what's going on before he pulls away. I search his eyes, and I think I find the same vulnerability in them that I feel.

"Do that again," I murmur.

He does, and I can't help but think that I could spend my life just kissing him and it still wouldn't be enough.

2018
NOVEMBER

„I still get lonely, and baby,
only then,
do I let myself recline?"

I stumble on uncertain feet, my heel sinking in the ground still wet from this morning's rain. I pull my black drape coat a little tighter on myself, and I stop to stand behind some people whom I don't think I know.

As they turn around and see me, it's obvious they know me, though. They step aside to give me space to move forward, but I shake my head. I no longer have the right to stand next to the family.

The priest speaks up, and he starts praising Esme's life. My tears are silent but non-stopping. When I hear Carlisle's voice, telling tales of Esme's kindness and grace, I'm not sure I can make it through this.

After the ceremony is over, I step aside to visit my grandparent's grave until the people leave the cemetery. I put down the flowers I've brought for them, and I say a silent prayer.

When the noises in the distant slowly stop, I walk to Esme's grave to say my goodbye to her in private. I can't stop the loud sobs that escape me as I stand there. Esme was barely over 50. There is so little benignity in the world, so how is it fair to take away someone who held so much of it in her heart?

"Bella?"

At Edward's voice, I almost fall on my knees, but he quickly grabs my elbow and helps me find my balance. I take another second to try to get rid of the tears streaming down on my face, even though I know I'm silly if I think Edward wouldn't know I've been crying.

I take a deep breath and turn around to face him. "My deepest condolences, Edward," I say shakily as I wring my hand next to my thighs.

He just looks at me, and he's more broken than I've ever seen him. Another sob escapes me at that.

"Do you want a hug or something?" I whisper in a chocked-up voice.

"I think I'd love a hug right now."

By the time he finishes his sentence, I'm already on my tiptoes with my arms around his neck, my face pushed under his jaw. He holds my waist and pulls me as close as he can, and we just stand there, silently crying for long minutes. Right now, his touch is the only thing that makes sense out of all of this.

After some time, I have to pull away, because my legs start to hurt from standing on my tiptoes. He doesn't let go of my waist, but even through my grief induced haze, I know the longer we hold each other now, the harder it will be to eventually let go.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I've heard what you told her," he admits in a hoarse, cracked up voice, visibly fighting with his tears. I have no idea what he's talking about, so he continues. "You said, 'I'm sorry, you trusted me with the most precious thing in your life, and I broke it.'"

"Edward, this doesn't…" I start when I realize what he might want to say, but he doesn't let me finish.

"Can we..." He looks around. "Can we just go someplace else to talk?"

I don't have the heart to tell him we don't have anything to talk about, so I just nod. He gives me a handkerchief and leads me to his car.

We sit in silence during the ride, and I'm not even surprised when he drives us to our meadow. I just walk next to him without looking up, hugging myself with my arms, because I know if I wouldn't, he would grab my hand, and that would be just one too many painful memories for today.

As we reach the meadow, he must realize we didn't bring anything to sit on, because he puts down his coat. I don't like the idea, because the coat is too small, and we would have to sit too close inevitably, but the grass is still a little wet, so I don't really have a choice.

As soon as I sit down next to him, he grabs my hand and tries to pull me into his lap. I don't let him.

"Edward, please…" He stops tugging me, but he doesn't let go of my hand.

"Today, my father had to bury his wife," he starts, "and while I've been listening to him talking about his love for her, all I could think about was you. All I could think about was the fact that if you were to die tomorrow, I would have to go to your funeral knowing I didn't try hard enough. Knowing I let you down."

"Edward, there's no…" I try again, but he covers my mouth with his hand.

"Let me finish this. Do you… Do you know how I've spent every single day since our divorce?" His hand is still over my lips, so I just shake my head lightly. "I've started every single day thinking 'just this day, just one more, then I'm going to leave this job, and get the love of my life back'. Every single day, I've bargained with myself, and I don't even think it was for the noble reason of wanting to help the foundation just a little while longer, no, it was out of fear. I think I was just afraid that even if I gave up my job and did everything to get you back, you still wouldn't want me. Maybe you've found someone else, or maybe I just hurt you too much, I don't know. But being here today made me realize I don't have time to be afraid."

Tears start falling again, they tickle my cheek as I try to blink them away to look into Edward's eyes. He removes his hand from my mouth, brushes away my tears, then holds my hands again.

"I called the president of the foundation to tell her that I'm stepping down as program director."

"Today?" I ask, and I feel panic rising in me.

"Yes, right after the ceremony was over," he murmurs, trying to pull me closer once again.

I stand up instead.

"Edward, you don't see things straight, you're overwhelmed with grief."

"I've never seen anything clearer than I do now," he states determinedly while getting on his feet. He reaches for my hand again.

"Stop touching me!" I scream at him, but I immediately regret it as I see the hurt on his face. He's in a lot of pain, and I'm making it worse. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"How else can you mean it?" he asks, his tone bitter and angry. "How did I end up being the only one who dies in every moment I spend without feeling your skin under mine?"

I don't want to answer that. By admitting that he's not alone with that pain, I would only make it harder to let go of each other.

"Look, Edward. I'm really sorry about Esme, you know I loved her as if she was my own mother. But I won't be able to live with myself knowing that you gave up your work at the foundation because in the insanity of the grief, you thought you needed me more than you wanted to help those children."

I start walking towards his car, and he reaches my side and falls in step with me.

"I always thought I needed you more than I wanted to help those children, that's not a sudden thought, Bella," he whispers, and I don't look at him, because his words are more than enough to break my heart again. "I just tried to have my cake and eat it, too, and by the time I realized that I can't, you already wanted a divorce."

I sigh, and I rub my face.

"Look, this is not the right time for this," I start. "You need time to mourn and consider things without your emotions all out of place. I never wanted you to give up your job. It's important, and you are amazing at it. All I wished for is for you to do what Emmett does. He has the same position, and he has time for Rose and the kids. He knows how to leave things at work when he goes home at five and pick them up next morning. But instead of that, you pulled me into the foundation, so you could spend time with me at work, and spend even less time with me at home."

"I know, and I'm really sorry about that…"

"Stop, Edward!" I say firmly as we reach his car. He opens the door for me, and I get in.

We ride in silence for a few minutes.

"Let yourself heal, Edward," I whisper softly when we reach the parking lot of the cemetery. "Both from losing Esme and losing me. I have a feeling you never even tried to be happy without me, and it's scary to hear that you think not giving up your dream of helping all those kids is the reason this marriage ended. We grew apart. In the last year, we've been strangers living in the same house. Give yourself time to heal, and if in the end you still feel like you need me in your life, call me. We can try to get to know each other again, maybe be friends–"

"What?!" Edward screams, turning to me suddenly after looking out the window the whole time. "Friends?!"

"This is not the right time to discuss this, Edward," I moan, and I reach for the handle. I don't even know why I said that, I could never be just his friend.

"You said you will always love me."

His words are barely audible, and I feel like my heart is going to break my chest as I get out of the car.

"I also said that love is not enough."

2009
APRIL

"finally it's mine"

We're in our meadow – he took me here for our third date, told me as far as he knows, he's the only person who is aware this place exists, and ever since then this has been our meadow. He's sitting on the grass, and I'm lying on my back with my head on his thigh. I'm reading out loud from a book while he either enjoys the sun and my voice with his eyes shut or plays with my hair.

"Are you with me?" I look up at Edward, because he's had his eyes closed for a long time now.

"Sorry, I zoned out a little," he admits, looking down at me.

I sit up, put my book next to me, then climb in his lap with my knees on either side of his hips.

"What have you been thinking about?" I ask softly after pressing a soft kiss on his cheek.

He smiles at me and leans in to kiss my lips firmly.

"Do you know those TV shows that have been running on for a few seasons, so to spice things up, the creators make an episode where they take the characters to a different life? You know, like they dream about living in the 20's, or they magically travel to an alternative universe where everything is backwards?"

"Yeah, sure," I say hesitantly, because I don't where he's going with this and how this has anything to do with the Interview with the Vampire.

"In these stories, they usually change the settings entirely, sometimes even the main characters, but there are always some things that remain the same. As if to say that there are things that nobody can imagine to be in any other way than they are."

I still don't get why he brought this up.

"Us – I think we are like that. I feel like in every single universe there is, you and I are together, because that's the only thing that makes sense."

"Edward," I whisper with my heart melt. I grab his cheeks in my palm, and I pull him in for a kiss. He parts his lips and I find his tongue with mine immediately. I push him to lie back on his back while not breaking the kiss, and I don't even have words to describe the love I feel for him at the moment.

"You sure do know how to make a girl want to drop her panties," I murmur against his lips, and he laughs into my mouth.

He lifts my head a little, holding my cheek with one hand, my neck with the other, and his gaze suddenly turns serious.

"Let's get married, Bella," he says suddenly.

"What?" I chuckle at him, kissing his lips softly again. "You're out of your mind!"

He grunts a little, then pushes me off him. He gets up, pulls me on my feet, then immediately bends down on one knee.

I stop laughing as I realize he wasn't exactly kidding.

"I've been carrying this around for a few weeks now," he starts quietly, presenting a little black box from his pocket. I gasp. What the hell is happening?!

"I love you, Bella. More than any love song could say. More than any Disney prince loved his Disney princess. More than Heathcliff loved Catherine. I love you, and the only thing that I'm sure will never alter, never lessen is the love I feel for you. I know we're barely eighteen, and it seems too early, but who's to say it is?"

He grabs my shaking hand, squeezing it tightly.

"People get married when they think they've found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I got lucky, I found you when I was only sixteen. So please, Bella, will you marry me?"

He says, offering me the most beautiful platina ring with a small diamond.

"People will think I'm pregnant," I blurt out, because I'm stupid like that.

After hearing the most amazing declaration of love I could imagine, I didn't say yes, I didn't even say I needed time to think, I said people will think I'm pregnant.

"Our close friends and families will know we just love each other, and I don't care about the other people's opinion," he replies calmly.

"Edward, this is crazy," I state, still not answering his question.

"I guess what I'm asking is if you can promise me now that you will love me until we die," he whispers, and I can no longer help myself.

"Yes!" I scream, and I grab his hand to pull him on his feet and throw myself at him. "People will think we're crazy, and we probably are, and I don't know how I'm going to tell my father, but I've been sure for a while now that I will end up marrying you either way, so how could I say no to that question?"

Edward's smile is almost too brilliant as he pulls away a little to put the ring on my finger, then he grabs my cheeks and crashes his lips to mine.

We kiss for what seems like hours, and we only pull away after I feel my lips go numb with tingling.

"I have to call and tell Alice," I say excitedly, fishing my phone out of my pocket and dialing my best friend and future sister in law. "Alice? Alice! Edward and I are getting married!"

I hear Alice screaming on the other end of the line, but then she stops suddenly. "Wait! Bella! Are you pregnant?!"

2018
DECEMBER

"I'd be lying, if I kept hiding
the fact that I can't deal"

When I park my car outside of the hotel where they hold the foundation's annual Christmas charity party, I already know this night will be one of the hardest ones I've had this year, and I've had some rather rough days.

As I walk in and let the help take my coat, I feel my legs tremble, but I hope the gown hides it. I walk to the bar to order a glass of wine, and as I wait for it, someone appears next to me.

My heart stops for a second as it always does when I think Edward is close to me, but as I glance to the side, I see it's not him. I let out a sigh – both out of relief and disappointment, and I grab the glass of wine to turn to Emmett.

"Hey, Emmett, how are you?" I ask, hugging him with one arm. Even though I'm friends with his wife, I haven't seen him much since the divorce. He's one of Edward's best friends, I guess it's pretty hard for him to watch Edward suffer and not blame me.

"Bella, great to see you," he smiles at me. "Are you here with Edward?"

"No, I…" I start, but I don't know how to finish it. I don't feel comfortable talking about Edward, so my unfinished, unexplained "no" hangs in the air.

"Look, Bella, as soon as Edward senses you're here, I won't have a chance to say this, so I'm putting aside all pleasantness, and I'm going to tell you like it is."

I really want to tell him to stay out if, but he goes on before I could.

"Edward's a mess. He's not good without you. He can barely focus on his job, he always looks like he hasn't slept in days, and every time someone mentions your name, he raises his head up as a puppy does when he hears the word 'walk'. This is not right. You know you two are meant to be together."

"Thank you for your concerns for Edward, Emmett," I start, and I pat him on the shoulder. "I'll go say hi to everybody."

"Bella," he calls after me in a warning tone. "He left you alone for a long time, I know that. But don't repay him by leaving him alone at a time when he needs you more than ever. Love doesn't know revenge."

I almost laugh out loud at that. Emmett thinks he knows us all too well, yet he can imagine I would be actually capable of taking revenge on Edward.

Instead of going around to greet people, I find the nearest terrace and go out for some fresh air. I stay there, slowly sipping on my wine in the frosty winter weather, knowing Edward will find me soon anyway.

He does rather shortly, but maybe someone tipped him off.

"Hey," he whispers behind me.

"Hey," I smile as I turn to look at him.

"What are you doing out here? It's freezing," he says, and he shrugs out of his tuxedo jacket to put it around my shoulders.

"I've been wondering about something," I answer simply, turning around to lean back on the railing. He steps to stand next to me and starts rubbing my back, trying to warm me up. To be honest, I've been so caught up in my thoughts that I haven't even felt how cold it was out here until now.

"Let's get back inside," I suggest, shaking my head. He must be freezing in just his shirt, too.

He puts his hand on the small of my back and leads me to the bar. We sit down on stools and he orders two whiskeys. He is preparing for a heavy conversation.

After our drinks arrive, he speaks up. "What was it?"

"I'm sorry, what?" I'm confused, not knowing what he's talking about.

"You said you've been wondering about something. I asked you what it was."

"Oh," I start. "Doesn't matter."

He sighs and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"It does to me."

I really don't want to fight again, but I don't want to lie to him either.

"I was thinking about us. How you've been the absentee husband, letting me slip through your fingers, but now everyone seems to think I am responsible for the failure of our marriage."

He drinks the rest of his liquor, making a face at the taste, then rubs his temple with two fingers. He takes a deep breath, and I see his hand tremble a little.

"I think I've got the stages of loss all messed up," he announces. "I've been in denial even before you left me, then depression followed, and I tried to bargain – both with myself and with you. And now I feel angry, so I'm not sure I'm ever going to reach acceptance, because this is not the road I was supposed to take."

"You feel angry?" I ask with some annoyance in my voice.

"I do," he says, his irritation evident in his tone. "You gave up on us, Bella!"

"Oh, you have the nerve…" I reply cynically.

"I'm aware of my mistakes, Bella. Are you aware of yours?"

He finally looks at me, and I can see the fire of rage in his eyes. I'd like to think he knows somewhere deep inside that he's not being reasonable, and I try to remain calm, but it's hard. For the longest time, everything has been so hard.

"I'm aware of begging you to leave room for me in your life. I'm aware of going to bed alone and waking up alone, night after night. I'm aware of the fact that you didn't even notice you lost me until there was a document about it."

My words are laced with bitterness and hurt.

"Finally," he says, laughing dryly.

"Finally what?" I eye him questioningly.

"You finally show some emotion. For the past year, you've been so indifferent about us, you convinced me that you don't care anymore."

"How can you say that?" I stand up, grabbing my purse. "How can you think I haven't been hurting just as much as you do?"

"Easy," he answers and gets up from his seat, too. "Ever since you walked out of our house, all I could think about was how to get you back. About how I could manage to at least spend a few minutes in your presence, because even just seeing you is better being without you. You? You kept pulling away, running away, you just showed up with those divorce paper, and for you, it was over. The only reason I haven't fallen apart completely was the hope that we can figure this out, and you tell me that we could be friends?"

"You are unbelievable," I state, and my voice is a little shaky, but I'm not sure if it's because of ache of anger. "I've spent the last year of our marriage with only seeing you, being in the same room, but never being able to get to you… That was the reason I wanted it to be over, because it was too hard, so don't you dare tell me it's better. And as for your hopes – you say hope is what keeps you intact. Well, hope is what crushes me, because I've kept hoping things would change, that you would let me in again, but you never did, so I sure as hell try to do everything to avoid feeling hope again."

I put the straps of my purse on my shoulder and take a deep breath.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need a minute."

I basically run to the bathroom. I'm happy to find that it's empty, so I can wash my face and try to get control over my emotions. A few minutes later I hear through the door someone announcing that the president of the foundation is about to make a speech.

I realize I should be there to hear it, so I try to fix my makeup with some wet paper towel as much as I can – not much -, then head out back to the party.

Sharon makes a beautiful speech, briefly showcasing the achievements of the foundation during the year of 2018, then thanking everyone who helped them, and finally, asking everyone to remember it's Christmas, so being charitable towards children is more important now than in any time of the year. She gets a huge ovation, and I grab a glass of champagne and wait a little for her to get free of the crowd so I could chat with her.

"Why did you come here tonight, Bella?"

As I hear Edward's voice again, I sigh deeply.

"Because I care about this foundation," I answer tiredly.

He doesn't say anything to that, so after a few moments, I turn around to see if he's still there. Once again, he looks defeated and broken.

"Can you… can I see you sometimes? Like, have lunch together or something?"

Hearing Edward struggling with his words when he's usually such an eloquent speaker shows how hard it is for him to put his heart on his sleeve again.

"Sure," I whisper, and I'm about to turn back, but he stops me by gently grabbing my upper arm.

"Can I please kiss you? I just really want to kiss you," he murmurs, his voice raspy and weak.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I answer, shattering my own heart in the process, too, then I leave him and go looking for Sharon.

2012
AUGUST

"past Ventura, and lenses plenty
in the white sunshine"

I wake up at feeling some movement behind me. I moan in displeasure, but I slowly turn around and open my eyes to see my husband smiling at me. Even after years of marriage, the thought that he is my husband, and the smile that's always on his face right after we wake up – these things can make my heart flutter.

"Hey," he says softly, pressing a gentle kiss on my lips.

"Hey," I say back, and I angle my head up as he trails his open mouth down my neck. "You have to stop that."

I feel him chuckle against my skin. I guess I'm not very convincing, but that's because I don't really want him to stop.

"Edward, I'm serious," I warn him when I find the will in myself. I take his cheeks in my palms and pull his head up, so I can look him in the eye. "If you wanted to just stay in bed all day, we could have done that at home."

He laughs and kisses me on my lips again.

"Come on, we'll be done in half an hour, and then we can head out to the beach," he tries to bargain.

"Yeah, that was the plan three hours ago, too, yet here we are," I smile at him as I pull the cover off my body and sit up.

He groans. "That's just cruel," he whines, watching my body with hungry eyes as I get up to head to the shower.

"You could take a shower with me," I sing-song over my shoulder as I walk in the bathroom, "if you promise to keep your hands to yourself."

By the time I step in the shower, he's already behind me.

"I'll promise no such things," he murmurs into my shoulder, and I squeal when he bites me softly while pushing me to the tiles.

An hour later, we are actually ready to hit the beach. We put down our towels on the sand, and he barely gives me time to take off my summer dress, and he's already dragging me to the water.

My laughter over his excitement dies when he pushes me under the water.

I cough a little and slap him on his shoulder. "Real mature of you," I say grumpily.

He just grins at me, then kisses me until I'm out of breath for the second time in short minutes. I circle my legs around his waist and put my arms around his neck as he slowly moves us in the water.

"Happy third anniversary, baby," he whispers on my lips.

"Every day is happy that I get to spend with you," I smile.

"You're such a dork!" he moans with a smirk.

"That's rich, coming from you, Mr. Cheesy Lines," I tease him. "But I meant it. California is nice, but I would have been just as happy staying in our apartment in Seattle as long as we're together."

"I bet," he murmurs, and I smack him on the shoulder again. "This is our last summer before our actual grownup life begins. Who knows if we'll be able to get away from our jobs next year."

"Edward, we're in public, stop it!" I warn him sternly.

He looks at me with a confused expression, and I realize that he hasn't even noticed that he kept massaging my ass under the water. When he does notice it, he smirks widely, but he stops.

"You always say we should do something special for our anniversaries," he announces cheekily, grinding his hips against mine. "We haven't done it in public yet, that would be pretty special."

"And if you don't stop molesting me in public, we won't be doing it in private, either," I grumble, and I try to get off him, but he doesn't let me, and honestly, I'm not trying that hard.

"Okay, okay, I'll be good," he gives up. "Hey, I forgot to tell you, I talked to dad about my plans while you were sleeping this morning, and he knows a foundation where I could do some stuff."

"A foundation?"

"Yeah. I told Carlisle that I'd like to find a way to help kids who doesn't yet have the privilege to have such awesome parents as he and mom are, and he said he knows someone at a foundation, and their main profile is to help raising money for these kids, educate them and counsel them. It sort of fits, so he called them, and they said that they have more than enough jobs for volunteers."

"That's great!"

I'm really happy to hear it. Edward always knew he was very lucky to be adopted at an early age, having a great childhood with awesome parents, never lacking anything. Lately, I think he's been feeling kind of guilty about this privilege, and he has been trying to figure out a way to give back for what he got.

"Do you want to come with me?" he asks with hopeful eyes.

"Edward, you know I'd love to, but I don't think between school and work I'd have enough time to do much," I admit.

"But you don't have to work, Bella!" he exclaims.

"Yes, I do," I smile at him patiently. "It's already a bitter pill to swallow the fact that you give me such luxurious gifts as this trip, I could never accept earning everything I have with your money."

"There's no such thing as my money. It's my parents' money. And I haven't worked for it any more than you have."

"Edward," I warn him, because we've had this conversation a thousand times, and I don't want to spoil this beautiful day with fighting about it again.

"Okay, okay, I'm not going to push the subject."

We spend another few hours in the sea before we head back to our hotel to eat something.

At night, right before I fall asleep, Edward hugs me a little tighter.

"Do you think this will ever change?"

"What?" I ask him, my voice a little hoarse and tired already.

"The way I love you. The way you love me." he whispers, softly kissing my ear.

"If I thought that, I wouldn't have married you."

His hold on me becomes even tighter.

2018
DECEMBER

"let your memory dance
in the ballroom of my mind"

Just as I'm finished packing my suitcase, the doorbell rings. I frown confusedly. I didn't expect anyone tonight.

I check my phone to see if someone texted me about coming over, but there's no new notification on it. I walk to the door and open it reluctantly.

"Edward," I greet him hesitantly.

"I'm really sorry for turning up out of the blue," he starts. "Can I come in?"

I open my mouth to say no, but I know exactly why he's here. He's here for the same reason I considered calling him a thousand times today. He's here because it's the night before Christmas, and I've never missed him more than I did today.

So I nod and I step aside to let him come in.

After I put his coat on a hanger, I motion for him to sit on the couch in the living room while heading to the kitchen. "Wine?" I yell.

"Sure," he yells back, and I grab a bottle from my wine cooler and two glasses.

I open the bottle, then I head back to the living room. I put down the glasses and the wine on the coffee table, then sit down on the other end of the couch. I remember what he said about missing my touch, and I really miss being able to sit close to him, too, but I'm afraid of what that could lead to, so I tuck my feet underneath me, and I keep my distance.

Edward pours the wine with elegance in his movements.

"Do you remember how you used to insist you hate wine?" he looks at me as he offers one of the glasses to me.

I take it, and I consider my answer. I don't think we should take a trip down memory lane, but a part of me craves it. A part of me just wants us to pretend for a few hours that we can at least have this, that we can reminiscence about our past and not feel the pain. So I smile.

"My father's household had very different wines from yours," I reply simply.

"Yet it took me a lot of convincing for you to allow me to show you good wine," he says, and there's a sparkle in his eyes that I haven't seen in a while.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have started with explaining the importance of a good cork," I tease him with a smirk.

He chuckles at that. The sound of his laughter makes my heart clench. I miss everything about him, but his happiness is for what I yearn the most.

"God, I just wanted to impress you with being classy and educated, but I ended up acting like a damn snob, didn't I?" he asks with an embarrassed sigh.

"Edward, you told me that the neck of the bottle can never touch the rim of glass, but when I asked you why, you couldn't answer," I tell him.

We both laugh at that.

"I still don't know why, to be honest," he admits with a grin, shaking his head, then his eyes land on my suitcase in the corner of the room. "You're spending the Christmas at your father's?"

"Yeah," I sigh, because once we leave the nostalgia behind, we're going to have to face the fact that we shouldn't be sitting on my couch, sipping wine and laughing. "I'm heading out early in the morning tomorrow."

He just nods and keeps his eyes on the glass in his hand, swirling the wine a little.

"Look," we both start at the same time.

We smile at each other awkwardly. I change my position, leaning my back to the armrest instead of the back of the couch. Before I could gather my thoughts enough to start again, Edward speaks up.

"Look, Bella. I don't know how to be without you," he says, his voice filled with struggling. "I've talked to Emmett a week ago, and I keep thinking about what he said. He told me I'm not even trying to get over you, like I want to be stuck in missing you. And I realized he's absolutely right about that. Sure, I could probably find a way to exist without you, but I don't want to. I know I could never be happy if you're not with me, so what's the point?"

The pain in his eyes and words crushes me again, and I have to blink away the tears. Sometimes I can't help but think that I'm being difficult. That this is ridiculous, that he's obviously suffering just like I do, so why do I keep pushing him away. But then I remember something.

"Funny you should say that. I've been thinking about something that Emmett told me, too," I inform him, and no matter how I try, I can't keep a little irritation out of my voice. "He said, love doesn't know revenge. So tell me exactly why you flirted with Tanya in front of me, why you decided you wanted to hurt me for hurting you, because all I can think about is that you don't love me anymore, not they way you used to, that you're probably just so used to the thought of me that you can't let it go."

Suddenly, he crawls on top of me in a few short seconds, forcing me to lie on my back, pinning me to the couch with his body.

"How can you say that?" he whispers, his voice chocked up. "How can you think that for a minute?"

Then he kisses me.

Lately I've been confused about what I should do. When I told him I wanted a divorce almost a year ago, it was because I thought we would only make each other miserable by staying together. And of course I was aware that divorce was going to be painful, but I convinced myself that time will help with that. It did not, not yet anyway, and doubt started popping up in my head. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe being without each other is what makes us miserable. Maybe I was foolish to think not having Edward is going to get easier. But all of this doesn't matter, because even if the divorce was a wrong decision, we have tons of stuff to figure out before we can just lie on a couch and make out.

But I'm just too tired of keeping my distance. So when I feel his lips on mine, I feel tears finally slip down on my cheeks, but I grab the back of his neck and kiss him back. Even though my lips are completely covered, I feel like I can finally breathe again.

He moves his lips to kiss away my tears from my cheeks, then he kisses my eyelids, my nose, my forehead. He snakes his arms under me, and he crushes me to his body while he presses his face under my jaw.

"I just love you so much," he murmurs into my skin.

I sigh deeply, and I sneak my hands under his chest to push him to stand up. He does hesitantly, and I get on my feet to face him.

"Look, Edward," I start, rubbing my forehead to clear my thoughts. "You asked me after your mother's funeral how I can stand being without your touch. And I didn't know what to say. Because I am dying without your touch. But when I feel your skin on mine, I am crumpled with fear. I am terrified that some time passes, and I going to be alone again, feeling like we're strangers, like last year."

He wants to interrupt, but I stop him.

"You can promise me that's not going to happen, but you already promised me once that you will always be there for me – at our wedding. So I'm sorry, but words won't be enough. I need time, and proof, and I need to remember how to trust you," I announce, and the shadow of a smile disappears from his face. It's hard to see him being the happiest just a few minutes ago, and now going back to being in pain. "But maybe, maybe you could just stay here tonight, and we could forget all about this until tomorrow."

He looks like he doesn't understand what's going on. I'm tugging on his hand to lead him to my bedroom, and he stumbles in his steps.

As we stop to stand next to my double bed, he still watches me as if he was trying to figure me out. I smile at him reassuringly, and I slowly start to unbutton his shirt. He doesn't move even as I push the material off his shoulder and it falls to the floor. I trail my fingers over his chest before I reach for the back of his neck to pull him down for a kiss.

When our lips meet, he seems to finally come out of his stupor, and he kisses me back hungrily. He pushes his tongue into my mouth, and he starts turning my back towards the bed. Before he pushes me down on it, he pulls away to remove my t-shirt, and I start unbuttoning his pants. He lets my sweatpants fall to the floor, too, and when we're both just in our underwear, he lifts me up to lie me down on the bed.

He kisses me again, slower this time, and I almost want to force him to show passion again, because he shows love now, and I'm not sure I can handle it.

He starts kissing down my chest, removing my bra in the process, too. He keeps murmuring to my skin, telling my how he missed me, how he loves me. When he starts kissing my stomach while removing my panties, I pull him back up and roll us around.

"I am in love with you, Edward," I whisper on his lips. "But I need you now."

With that, a pull back to remove his underwear, and he lifts his hips to help me with it. I put my knees on either side of him, and I slowly lead him inside me. It's been so long since anything felt this good. I moan a little too loudly, and I start moving my hips.

He pushes himself up, and he kisses me again softly while meeting my movements with his. When he feels himself getting close, he reaches between us to help me to my orgasm, and I have to let go of his lips and bite into his shoulder to avoid crying out. He follows me shortly, then lies back and pulls me to his chest closely.

We are both just panting for a few minutes, then I start to pull away, and he tightens his hold on my waist.

"You're not going to turn away from me this time," he whispers as he kisses my forehead.

"I really have to use the bathroom, Edward," I tell him with a laugh, and he reluctantly lets me go.

In the bathroom, I wash myself quickly, and I lean on the sink to look in the mirror and figure out what the hell am I supposed to do. It's not like being with him, sleeping with him, waking up with him isn't everything I could ever want. But things are messy, and I just made them even messier.

When I finally walk out of the bathroom, I decide I'm going to leave the hard part for tomorrow's Bella, and I just crawl back to bed to sleep on Edward's chest like I used to do every night years ago.

When my alarm goes off in the morning, he doesn't wake up, and I'm coward enough to be thankful for that. I get ready in fifteen minutes, and I put out my spare key and a note for Edward on the nightstand before I leave.

Didn't want to wake you, but I had to go. Please, lock up the apartment when you leave. We'll talk about things after I get back.

x

Bella

2015
OCTOBER

"everywhere I turn,
there's something blocking my escape"

As I get back from my coffee with Alice, I'm surprised to find the door unlocked. Edward has been in the office until eight lately, but maybe he decided to finish his work at home today.

When I step in the house, I smell delicious food, and I start to get worried someone might have broken in. Edward never cooks dinner, and when he orders takeout, he eats it in his study, behind closed doors.

"Hello?" I ask as I grab my phone just in case I need to call someone, and I put my purse on the table in the foyer.

"In here," Edward calls from the dining room.

I walk to him hesitantly, and I find him sitting next to a table filled with all kind of meals.

"What's going on, honey?" I ask worriedly. "Our anniversary was in August, am I missing something?"

He shakes his head, and he stands up to pull out the chair next to him for me. I sit down, and I wait for him to explain to me what's going on.

"I wanted to surprise you," he says, kissing my lips softly before sitting back on his seat.

"You sure did surprise me, but what's the occasion?"

"Can we just enjoy our dinner?"

I'm getting nervous, trying to figure out what's his game is tonight, but I decide I'm not going to ruin something that could be a nice night. So I smile and nod.

"Wine?"

"Yes, please."

He pours me wine, and he starts asking me about my day, and how I like my new job at the foundation. The food is amazing, but of course it is, he ordered it from my favorite restaurant. As we spend the meal talking and laughing, I begin to think that maybe he realized how absent he's been in the last few months, and maybe he just wanted us to have a date night.

After dinner, he tells me we should watch a movie, and we move to the living room. He puts on my favorite – Breakfast Club – and sits down on the couch. I scoot under his arm, lying my head on his chest, drinking the rest of the wine.

We reach my favorite part, where Claire kisses Bender's neck, and he asks her why she did that. "Because I knew you wouldn't," she says, and I say the line with her, then I sigh. Edward laughs at me.

"You are such a sucker for these lines," he teases me.

"Says the guy who couldn't even ask me for a date," I tease back, and he pinches my side.

"Hey!" I scream, but I can't hold back a chuckle.

He pushes me on my back to the couch, climbs over me, and he starts tickling me. I try to fight him off, struggling with laughter and tears, but he's merciless. When I'm completely out of breath, he finally stops, and leans down to kiss my neck sloppily.

"God, I love you," he murmurs, trailing wet kisses up to my jaw. "Let's adopt a kid."

His words sober me up from my haze immediately.

"What?!" I exclaim, pushing him off me so I could sit up. He tries to pull me into his lap, but I don't let him.

"I've been working to help kids without parents for years, and I finally feel like we are in the right place to help them on a whole other level, by adopting one of them."

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"Are you out of your mind, Edward?" I yell at him, and I see him freeze immediately.

"I don't know," he replies coolly. "Am I out of my mind for thinking my wife would want kids with me after six years of marriage?"

"Edward, I'd love to have kids with you!" I say, and I take his hand in mine as I try to calm both of us down. "But that's the point. I'd love to have them with you, as in you playing a big part in their life. With the way you've been working lately, you've been barely spending any time with me, how would you manage to have time for a kid that is supposed to be asleep by the time you usually come home from work?"

He sighs, and he squeezes my hand.

"I've been thinking about this a lot, Bella," he starts, and I almost laugh. I can't imagine how he could think about this a lot and still decide it was a clever idea. "I won't lie to you, in the first few years, you'd probably have to do most of the work. But with your new job, you have to work a lot less, so –"

"Oh my God!" I get up from the couch, pacing in front of it. "Tell me you didn't talk me into switching jobs just so I could raise your freaking children for you! Tell me you don't hope to turn me into a housewife!"

"I don't, calm down, okay?" he answers, but I don't know if I believe him. "I talked you into coming to work for the foundation because I've seen how much you care for it, and you love the people working there, and we needed someone in PR, and you're great at what you're doing."

He swallows, and I chug the rest of my wine.

"Bella, I really want to have kids," he announces again.

"I get that, okay?" I look at him and wait until his eyes meet mine. "I do. And I'd love to have them, too, that's the reason we chose a house this big, to have many children. But these kids need family, parents, they need a father just as much as they need a mother, Edward. As soon as you start working normally again, coming home from work at a reasonable hour, we can talk about this."

He rubs his face with his hands, and I sit back down next to him.

"Edward, we're barely 25 years old, most people our age are not even married. We have plenty of time to have children, and we will. I'm not saying no, I'm saying not now."

He smiles at me, but his smile seems forced. I don't comment on it, just announce that I'm going to bed. When he comes after me half another later, slipping in the bed next to me, he doesn't cuddle me from behind like he usually does. As I turn around to be the bigger person, I see him turning his back to me.

As I lie awake, incapable of falling asleep, I realize he organized this beautiful dinner and the movie night to soften me up. He didn't do it because he missed spending time with me.

At two in the morning, I give up, and I walk out to the living room to watch TV. I end up falling asleep on the couch, and by the time I wake up, Edward's already gone.

2018
DECEMBER

"I still love you,
it's just the way I feel"

I step to the bar and ask for another glass of wine. I've already had three, and I'm feeling a bit tipsy, but I know I'm going to need it when Edward decides to approach me finally. I caught him staring at me quite a few times, but I guess he's just as scared to have this conversation as I am.

I haven't seen him since I left for Forks before Christmas, and I haven't been returning his calls. I know it's not fair to leave him hanging, but I've been trying to sort things out, figure out what I think we should do before I would talk to him.

But when I said yes to Alice's invitation to her big New Year's Eve party, I knew I won't be able to put it off much longer.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Alice shows up at my side, yelling over the music.

"Sure," I answer her with a smile. She shoots me a skeptical look, and I sigh. "I'm nervous about talking to Edward."

She puts her hand over mine and squeezes it.

"You're going to be okay, sweetheart," she assures me. "You're going to find your ways back to each other. Maybe not tonight, maybe not even next year, but you are meant to be together."

Alice always believed in us. When I told her that I wanted divorce, she supported me. She said that if I think that will help, then I should do it. She added that Edward and I will never be happy without each other, so I should only do it if I think divorcing him will help us move our relationship out of a bad place. I had no idea how a divorce could help any relationship, but I start to feel like it was a catalysator.

"I just… I can't help but worry. We already failed once, why would this be different this time?" I ask, and I scan the room to make sure he's not nearby.

"For starters, he knows exactly now what he has to lose," Alice says, squeezing my hand again. "And you don't see what he's been like lately. Since he resigned from his position, he works a lot less. 30 hours a week. And before you start freaking out, he told me he realized that he enjoys doing consulting stuff a lot more than he enjoyed being program director."

"He loved his job, Alice!" I whine, because I hate the fact that Edward refused to go back to his position.

"No, he loved the fact that he was able to help a lot of children. But he realized how much more joy he can find in meeting the kids, seeing the actual difference he can make."

Just as she finishes her speech, I see Edward heading towards us with hesitant steps.

"Let him in, Bella," Alice pleads with me. "It's been hard for us people who love you to watch you both struggle."

With that, she takes off, and Edward takes her place.

"I know it's freezing outside, but would you mind stepping outside?" he asks, and I nod.

"Let me just grab my coat and meet me on the terrace," I answer.

December in Seattle is in fact cold as hell, but I don't want to have this conversation while yelling over the music with everyone we know watching us.

"I'm sorry I didn't return your calls," I start when we meet in front of the entrance of the bar. He raises two blankets in his hand, and he motions to the tables and chairs that they left out for smokers.

He covers me with one of the blankets, puts the other around his own shoulders, and we sit down.

"You left me with a note," he says, and hurt is once again evident in his voice. "And the note said that you wanted to talk when you'd be back in the city."

"I know," I admit. "I just needed more time."

"Well, you've had more time."

I look at him, and I try to figure out what to say. In the last week, I did nothing but think about him. I've had this conversation in my head a thousand times, and in each one of them, I would say something different, but in the end, he would always kiss me.

I've spent almost a year without his kisses, but now that I've had them again, it's even harder to stay away.

"I'm still unsure about a lot of things," I end up saying. "I don't know if being with you is a good idea, I don't know if anything will be different this time, I don't know if I'm going to be even more miserable in a year."

He seems to panic at that, so I go on quickly.

"But I can't really imagine being more miserable than I am now. So I want to try and fix this."

He almost immediately grabs my hand and tries to pull me to him, but I stop him.

"But I think we should take this slowly. I don't regret asking you to stay the other night, but I meant it when I said we should start with getting to know each other again. I don't know, we have to figure this out, I mean… I mean I would do anything to not to have to sleep without you ever again, but I'm afraid we'll just fall back into the same routine."

"Bella…"

Edward's sentence is cut off when the door opens, and Alice appears, all grins and happiness from the drinks she's had.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you guys, but we're going to start the countdown soon, you should get back inside."

Edward nods, and we get up to walk back in. We grab a glass of champagne and we wait until people start shouting the seconds left from the worst year of my life.

At eight, Edward turns me to face him. At six, he encircles my waist with his arm. At three, I put my free hand on his shoulder.

And then he kisses me. Hard. Everyone keeps screaming and laughing, but we keep kissing for a few good minutes. When we finally let up, Edward has the most brilliant smile on his face.

"I don't know what this year will bring for us, but I do know I could spend my life just kissing you, and it still wouldn't be enough."

I'm about to kiss him again for that, but Jasper steps to us to wish us a Happy New Year, and then we start clinking our glasses and exchanging best wishes with a bunch of people. Edward never lets go of my waist, and for a few hours, I let myself hope this is going to be the year I find happiness again.

As we head out to catch a cab, he squeezes my hand.

"Do you have a New Year's resolution?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," I nod with a smile.

"What is it?" he asks curiously.

"I think it's the same as yours."

2017
MARCH

"I've been dying for something real"

Just as I'm finished with putting the dishes in the dishwasher, I hear the front door open and close. I sigh. I kind of hoped this wouldn't happen, but it's not like I have anything to be ashamed of. I just really don't want another fight, and I know it's unavoidable at this point.

I head back to the dining room.

"I'm really sorry about what's going to happen," I apologize in advance, because I know it's going to be needed.

"I think I should just let myself out. Thanks for the dinner, Bells, it was delicious," Jacob says, clearing his throat while standing up.

Then Edward shows up in the doorway.

"Am I interrupting something?" Edward asks in a mocking tone.

"I really should go," Jacob announces while already heading out. "Thank you again, talk to you later."

With that, I'm left with a furious Edward. I close my eyes for a second, preparing for the storm.

"I guess I'm lucky I got home while you were still at the eating part of the date, and not in the bedroom," he tells me dryly, still not moving from the doorway.

I grab the empty wine bottle from the table with an eyeroll and decide not to reply to that. As I head to the kitchen, I hear him following me.

"Are you not answering me because I'm right?" he insists, stepping behind me as I put down the bottle on the counter.

I turn around, getting irritated myself. "I'm not answering you because you're being ridiculous."

"I come home from a two-day trip, and I find you having romantic dinner with the guy who's been in love with you forever. Why am I exactly ridiculous?!" he exclaims, his voice raised.

"I'm not having this conversation with you if you are yelling at me," I reply coolly. "And if you want to talk about your trip, you can start with explaining why I couldn't get a hold of you all weekend."

"Are you paying me back for being busy with having a date with that bastard?" he attacks me again, his voice a little lower this time.

"Okay, let's get things straight," I say with a deep sigh. "That bastard is my best friend, who had a crush on me when we were in high school. He's very well aware of the fact that I'm married, and he hasn't done anything that could even suggest that he wants something from me other than friendship."

"Yeah, right," he sneers sarcastically. "You haven't seen each other for years, and you start seeing him right after I start working late and travel more."

"I wasn't finished!" I scream at him, losing my temper completely. "I started seeing him again because he moved to Seattle. As for you being absent, I don't even want to open that subject, because I'm already furious as hell. I only brought up the fact that you didn't answer your phone because I would have told you about Jake coming over if I only had a way to do so. This wasn't a date, this was two people having a meal and nice talk."

I try to sidestep him, but he grabs my arm to keep me in place.

"Are you cheating on me, Isabella?" he snarls.

I shake his hand off me. "I hope you'll enjoy your sleep in the guest room tonight."

With that, I head to the stairs. I'm not surprised that he's right behind me, I just hope I can shut our bedroom door on his face.

"We're not done with this conversation, Isabella," he growls.

"Well, I am," I answer him coldly without looking back at him.

I reach the bedroom, and I quicken my steps so I could lock him out, but he's too fast, and he presses his palm to the door to keep it open.

"You never answered me."

I turn around, I feel my pain growing stronger than my anger. "I shouldn't have to!" I cry out.

I grab the handle and I try to push the door. I'm obviously not strong enough to overpower Edward, but I hope he's going to just give up when he sees how desperate I am.

"Leave me alone!" I sneer at him.

He looks conflicted for a second, then he lets go of the wooden surface to step into the room fully. I almost lose my balance as the door suddenly lets up, and that doesn't help me calm down as I turn to him.

"Maybe if you stopped acting like this all the time, I would be more motivated to spend more time at home," he grumbles.

At that, I snap. A small part of me knows that he doesn't mean that, but at the moment, I don't care. With tears pooling in my eyes, I raise my hand to slap him, but he grabs my arm before I could move it really. He grabs my shoulder with his other hand, and he pushes me to the wall.

"You make me go crazy," he growls before he presses his mouth on mine.

For a second, I think about the fact that it's been six days since he last kissed me, and I really missed it. But this is not the kiss I've been craving, so I bite down on his lower lip hard.

His hold on my shoulder and arm tightens for a second, and then he forces my mouth open. I bite on his tongue, and he pulls away immediately.

"Let go of me, Edward!" I hiss at him.

He searches my eyes for a minute, then he suddenly puts both his hand on my cheeks.

"God, you're so beautiful when you're mad," he whispers hotly before he pulls my lips to his again. I want to keep up my fight, but I also really want his touch, so after a moment of hesitation, I decide to fight back in a different way, and I grab his shoulders to turn us so it's his back against the wall.

I tug his shirt out of his pants, and I sneak my fingers under his undershirt to feel his skin. He's all harsh lips, teeth and tongue, aggressive and passionate, but I am, too. I tear my mouth from his, and I start biting and sucking on his neck. His hands move around my back to search for the zipper, and he drags my dress down my body. I feel it pool around my ankle, but I'm too busy unbuttoning his shirt to care.

I pull back to remove his undershirt, and he quickly kicks his shoes off. I start tugging his pants down, and I step out of my heels, kicking them away with the dress.

He grabs my thigs with his hands, raising me so quickly I barely have time to put my arms around his neck. He kisses me hard again, and I reach behind my back with one hand to unclasp my bra because I want to feel his chest on mine.

He growls in my mouth, steps out of his pants and starts walking to the bed with me. He drops me on it and climbs on top of me immediately. He bites down on my lip quickly before his kisses start heading south, reaching my breast.

His hand doesn't hesitate to push down the last piece of tiny underwear I have on, and he starts caressing me painfully slowly – his movements with his fingers the complete opposite of what he's doing with his mouth, biting down on my nipples softly but firmly.

I feel like I'm going crazy with desire as he pushes two fingers inside me, and I grab the sides of his face to pull him back up and kiss him. I moan loudly when he changes his angle, hitting me deeper, and I blindly reach to push his underwear down. After I manage to get it down to his midthigh, I grab his hand and pull his fingers out of me, then I put my ankles around him to pull me to him.

I lead him inside me and he slips inside easily.

"Fuck," he mutters, tearing his mouth from mine and pushing his forehead against my temple. I feel his hot breath on my cheeks, and I'm about to tell him to not be so gentle when he starts moving fast and hard inside me.

I bite down on my lower lip, and I grab his biceps, digging my nails into his skin. We pant, growl and moan, until he pulls out of me suddenly, turning me to lie on my stomach. He quickly gets rid of his boxers, and I raise my hips a little to let him reenter me from behind.

"Fuck," I grumble, and he bites into my shoulders hardly. He uses one hand to pull my hips higher, until I'm on my knees, his other hand pushing my chest to the bed. I don't like that he has all the power, I can't even kiss him or grab him, but he feels so good that I don't care that much.

I feel myself falling apart, and I muffle my screams by pressing my mouth to the pillow. He goes on for another minute before he follows me, collapsing on me.

Even though I can barely breathe, I love his bodyweight on me.

He shifts a little to slide off me mostly, leaving only his right leg and his right arm on me. He reaches up to push my hair away from my face, and he leans closer to press lazy, slow kisses all around my face. After I feel like I can finally move again, I turn a little to lie on my side instead of my stomach, and I push myself closer, snuggling my face under his jaw.

He puts his arm and leg around me even tighter, and that minute, I refuse to acknowledge the fact that in the past few month, we had much more angry sex than romantic love making. What's wrong with angry sex anyway?

2019
FEBRUARY

"finally it's mine"

I pat my stomach and take a deep breath. I overate myself to the point I wouldn't even have to try very hard to throw up. Edward commented on it during dessert, asking me if I was PMS-ing or something, because I usually don't eat like a savage caveman. Out of spite, I ate another slice of cheesecake, a mistake that really takes its toll now.

I look around the table, watching our closest friend talk and smile, and I realize I'm finally happier than I've ever been. Edward squeezes my hand under the table, and I lean to him to press a kiss to his temple. In the past two months, he really did everything to show how he has learned from the past. I even saw him laugh at one of Jake's joke tonight. I know there probably won't ever be any love lost between them, but I'm glad to see them make the effort to get along.

As the waiter starts taking away our empty plates, Edward asks for a bottle of fancy champagne quietly. Alice hears it, though, and she gasps loudly.

"Oh my God!" she exclaims. "You guys are totally getting married again!"

"And there goes our big moment," I grumble to Edward loudly enough for everyone to hear.

"Nice job, little one!" Emmett pinches Alice's side playfully, and Alice covers her mouth out of embarrassment over outing us.

"I guess it's better than her reaction to our first marriage," Edward jokes, pulling me a little closer to him until I'm almost sitting on his lap instead of my chair. He kisses our joined knuckles softly before speaking up again. "So, yeah, Bella proposed to me two days ago."

I slap his arm. "I did not!"

Everyone laughs.

"I merely informed you that if you were planning to propose to me, I probably wouldn't say no."

The laughter gets louder.

"All jokes aside," Edward start, trying to get the attention of our friends who erupted into excited chatter. "We decided that we've spent more than enough time without each other, so I asked her, she said yes, and now I'm going the be the luckiest man on the Earth for the second time in my life."

Alice and my coworker, Angela swoon at that, Rose and Jacob roll their eyes.

"Let me just say what everyone's thinking," Alice chimes in. "You barely started seeing each other again, so what's the rush? Are you pregnant, Bella?"

Everyone knows the story of Alice's initial reaction of our first marriage, so they all start snickering again, including Edward. I try to join in, but I'm not very good at pretending, and Alice freezes as she notices.

"Oh my god, Bella, are you?" she almost screams at me.

I smile sheepishly. Crap. I didn't plan on breaking the news on Edward like this. Alice is doing an excellent job of ruining my surprises tonight.

"What?!" Edward looks at me, tugging on my hand.

From his face, I can't really tell if he's about to blow up with joy or anger.

I've been to the doctor a week ago, and he confirmed what I suspected – that I was pregnant. Ever since then, I tried to figure out the best way to tell Edward about it. I tried to rationalize it. He is just as guilty of not using protection as I am. He has wanted kids for years anyway. He is in love with me.

But there was another voice in my head. I've been on the pill since I was seventeen, so he never had to worry about condoms or stuff. He had no way of knowing I stopped taking it after our divorce. We still had to work on our own relationship before adding another factor in the equation. He wanted to adopt our first child.

"Bella?" Edward asks softly, squeezing my fingers.

"The night before Christmas," I whisper to him suddenly. "We're having a baby. I'm sorry, I –"

I can't finish my sentence, because at that, Edward grabs the back of my neck and crashes his lips to mine. I can feel him grinning into the kiss.

Then he suddenly gets to his feet. "My wife is pregnant!" he announces to the whole restaurant with a yell, and I chuckle at his childlike joy. "Well, my ex-wife is pregnant! Actually, my fiancé is pregnant!"

He pulls me to my feet and hugs me tightly.

A guy in the background jokes, "Congratulations, you managed to knock up three women." and some people laugh, but I don't really hear them, I only hear Edward whispering in my ear.

"I keep thinking you can't make me any happier, and then you prove me wrong every day."

Everyone starts congratulating us, both on our marriage and our pregnancy, then Alice makes a toast, and we're all laughing again. My eyes fill up with tears, and I blame the stupid pregnancy hormones.

We excuse ourselves not much later, and we hail a cab. After we get in, he tells the driver there's going to be two stops, but I correct him.

"Actually, only one," I smile at the driver, and I give him the address of our house. Well, Edward owns it completely now in a legal sense, and he's been living alone in it for a year now, but it is still hard not to think about it as "our house". "Let's go home, Edward."

His smile is radiant.

Even though in the past two months we've spent almost every waking minute together when we weren't at work, we said goodbye every night, and went home to different houses to sleep in different beds. Almost every time, I was tempted to just say "screw it", and invite him up, but I was the one who suggested we should figure things out before diving into physical things, and there was a reason for that. It was the right thing to do, and he respected that, never pushing anything, and I loved him ever more for that.

But now we decided to get married again, and he is the father of my future child, so it seems ridiculous to keep the distance.

When I'm finished in the bathroom, he's already in bed, leaning against the headboard, flipping through his phone. He looks up when I step into the room and places his phone on the nightstand.

I crawl into bed and snuggle up to his body, leaning my head to his chest. He takes my hand in his and inspects it.

"You never took these off," he remarks, turning the rings on my finger – one for our engagement and one for our marriage.

"They got stuck," I joke, and he rolls his eyes.

I turn my face up to kiss him with a smile.

"When I look back, I'm not even sure if I ever, even for a second thought that our divorce was final," I admit in a whisper.

He sighs deeply.

"There were times when you seemed so far away that I started doubting myself, doubting if you're ever going to be mine again. But when I saw you wearing these rings, it always gave me hope."

I look up at him, and I just watch him for a few minutes, then I pull my body even closer to him.

"But I need you to take them off now," he announces. "Both of them," he adds, tugging on my engagement ring first, then my wedding ring.

"What? Why?" I ask him in panic.

After he gently slips off both bands, he opens the drawer of the nightstand. He takes something out of it, then presents a little black box, and I gasp when I see the beautiful ring with a diamond three times the size of the one in my old engagement ring.

We sit up, facing each other, and I listen to him intently.

"These two represent a marriage I failed, a person I don't want turn into ever again," he says, putting the two rings he just took off me on the night stand. "The first thing I bought this year was this ring. After you said you are willing to try again, I knew I was going to propose to you sooner or later, and I knew I wanted a different ring for that."

I listen to him with my mouth open, and the stupid pregnancy hormones start attacking again. I'm annoyed. He gives me this beautiful speech, and I'm sitting in my pajama, my face ugly with crying.

He wipes my tears and goes on.

"When you gave me the green lights to proposing to you two days ago, I didn't have this one with me, so I had to use your old ring, but I do have it now. So I'm asking you for the third time… After you gave me the two most precious things in my life, your heart and that baby growing in you, would you consider giving me the third: being your husband again?"

He barely has time to put the ring on my finger before I jump on him.

"Yes!" I shout into his mouth, laughing and crying at the same time.

We almost fall off the bed, because he sat a little too close to the edge, and my attack pushed him on his back, but I don't even care.

"Yes," I whisper in his mouth after he shifts us into a more secure position.

And for the first time in my life, it looks like I'm going to keep my New Year's resolution.

Thank you for reading.

A/N: English is (sadly) still not my first language, so I'd be happy to correct any grammatical mistakes you find if you reviewed/messaged me about them.