"Come on, Zim. Give me some way to transmit to them. I'll say it to their face. 'Hello Zim's ex-leaders. What's tall, stupid, and just lost one of their best soldiers? You two. Eat meat.'"

Dib crouched close to the floor between two great, swinging carcasses. Pig, by the look of the leg and hoof near his face. Then again, the night vision goggles were very old and the resolution wasn't that great. It could be sheep. The scent of animal fat and raw meat filled his nostrils. Tonight's target wouldn't have much information for their own purposes, but low-level field agents didn't get to pick their assignments.

He spoke quietly into the mic on his headset. "Heck, gimme their coordinates and I'll send them a hand-written letter wrapped around a hunk off one of these carcasses. Can you imagine the look on their faces?"

A quiet laugh hissed through the headset. Dib did a small fist-pump. It had been a rocky few weeks for the ex-invader. They'd jumped straight from recovery into employment with the Swollen Eyeball and how-to-live-on-Earth lessons like Dib had promised, but Zim had been… well… he'd been acting weird ever since his PAK reattached. Ferocity and blind determination had been replaced with a somber demeanor like nothing Dib had never seen in the alien. Frankly, it was depressing to see Zim's manic spark dimmed. So Dib had taken on the challenge of lifting the Irken's spirits. He felt like it had been working, for the most part, but it was obvious there was something on Zim's mind.

Maybe now wasn't the best time to be angling for a laugh but it was three in the morning, the Jersey Devil they'd received a tip about hadn't shown up yet, and it was shaping up to be another empty-handed stakeout. Dib had the slaughterhouse's carcass room under observation while Zim perched in the rafters over the live animal pens. He decided to push it a little more. "I'll rub your progress in their faces and talk about the invaluable asset they threw away. 'Watch out, Irk! Humans are headed for the stars thanks to your mistake!'"

Silence. Dib winced. "Uh, did… did I overstep on that one?"

No answer. It was so weird. It actually mattered to Dib whether he crossed a line with Zim, now. Also weird that it was harder to figure out where that line was now that he cared. "I'm sorry, Zim. I just… I got to tell my Dad off, you know? It only seems right that your leaders get egg on their face, too."

"Eggs on the face," Zim murmured. "Does not mean pushing breakfast food into someone's face, it means they are embarrassed or shamed, yes?"

"Yeah. Good job."

Quiet stretched on for a couple more minutes, before Zim's voice crackled over the headset. "Your combative spirit is appreciated. I would very much like to put egg all over their faces and send them meat to burn them and scream at them. However the timing and also your method are not right."

Dib raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with my method?"

"You aren't thinking large enough."

Dib grinned. "Okay spaceboy, what's your idea of getting egg on their face?"

"Infecting the PAK programming until it breaks down and releases every Irken in the Empire."

Dib's breath caught at how matter-of-factly Zim had just proposed treason. "Um… well… wow. That's definitely an escalation. How serious… well, you sound pretty serious, actually. Like you've been thinking about this. How long have you… are you serious?"

"Very serious," Zim replied. "And yes, I've been thinking about it for a while. But it can't happen for a long time. We can't infiltrate every PAK individually. I don't have the lifespan or patience for that. Therefore we must develop a sort of virus. I will require your assistance for the development of this program. It would be best if we could get some large number of Irkens on our side before going after the Control Brains."

Dib's mouth twitched into a half-open grin. He could hardly believe what he was hearing from Zim. Free for less than a month and he was already itching to start an uprising? Dib had been half joking, sure that Zim would never let him be in contact with the Tallests, but this was a whole other level.

"But before that we must either be capable of fortifying Earth against a serious, sustained attack from the Irken Empire or we must be able to leave Earth very far behind while carrying out the plan." Zim grunted. "It would be silly to find a planet to shelter on and then have it blow up under my feet. And make no mistake, if I make a calculated move against them, they will come."

Dib clenched his fist, digging his fingernails into the palm of his hand so he didn't leap to his feet and shout. "Zim, this is fantastic. When are we kicking this off?"

"Don't even think about it for now."

"D-don't think about it?!"

"There's no point at this time. I must focus on the Earth-lessons. I have to learn from you as much as possible. It's also best if the Tallests think I died in their attack for now."

"Yeah, but, I mean, I-" Dib spluttered. "You can't just casually say you have a plan to commit treason and then tell me to forget about it! I want in on the planning! I want to go with you and help take them down! Come on, Zim. I know we just started working together, but already we make a great team. Sure, we haven't gotten any useful assignments yet, but-"

"Cease your endless noisemaking," Zim sighed. He was quiet for a moment. Chains creaked as drafts from ceiling vents gently swung the carcasses. Dib's breath drifted up in white puffs as he waited. When Zim spoke again, a strange heaviness hung on his words. "The earliest stages of this idea is many years in the future. I will not be ready for a long time. Your planet will not be ready for a long time. By the time this plan begins, you will already be very well advanced along your lifespan."

Dib's heart sank. For a moment he'd had it in his head that they were going to take the Irken Empire by storm in the next ten years. "Right. So. By the time you… I won't even be… right. Yeah. I get it."

"Stop that self-sadness this instant," Zim barked. "There is no reason for that, do you hear me? No reason at all. Let me tell you what is going to happen, Dib. Your planet is my dominion now, whether it understands that or not. That means it is under my protection. One day Earthlings will recognize me as the star-lord that gave them the key to the universe, and I will be satisfied with their praise, just as you suggested. But you, Dib? By the time I am through with all the face-egging, there won't be a single Irken who is ignorant of your name. The name of the hyuman that helped break the first Invader free from the Control Brains and then helped develop the virus of freedom. That name will be whispered in awe from Irken to Irken. Do you hear me? Your name will reverberate among the stars for all time."

A couple of pigs snorted in the background. Dib's lips parted as his brain processed Zim's declaration. Remembered forever? Among the stars? Dib Membrane, not the hero of Earth, but the hero from Earth? His throat tightened, closing up as he tried to find a proper response.

Zim coughed. "Of course the reverberation of my name will be much, much louder."

An uncontrollable "Hah!" bubbled up from deep in Dib's guts. He rocked back on his heels, laughing. "Ohhhhh really? You think you can match me once I hit the stars? Think again, spaceboy. Even when I'm dead and gone, my story will be more impressive than yours. I bet you they'll travel galaxies just to see where I was buried."

"Ewwwww hyuman, why would anyone come see your rotting remains? You sicken me."

"Oh come on. That can't be the weirdest thing you've come across. Besides, it's totally normal to pay your respects to… um…" Dib's voice trailed off as something wet dripped on his shoulder. Laser-dodging instincts kicked in and Dib hurled himself forward without bothering to look up. Something heavy hit the ground behind him. "Hey Spacejerk! I've got company!"

There was no response, but that was good. It meant Zim was on the way. Chains rattled and Dib threw himself to the right as a pig carcass swung past him. He lunged to his feet, hurtling down a row of pigs and reaching for his stunner.

Metal clicked furiously along the ceiling. A shadow passed overhead in the opposite direction. By the time Dib armed the stunner and turned, Zim had latched onto a large, shadowy figure. It bucked and kicked as Zim battered it about the face, shrieking, "Desist, malformed bat-horse! Submit to the bulging eyes for questioning!"

Grinning, Dib closed one eye and aimed down the barrel of the stunner. "Clear!" he shouted.

Zim leaped off as Dib discharged a blast. A crackling blue streak hit the creature, which fell over on its side, kicking and jerking grotesquely. "Careful, Zim!" Dib frowned. One blast took down the Jersey Devil? He approached cautiously, peering through the fuzzy night vision goggles. "Can you get me some light?" He asked, pulling them off.

Harsh light flooded the area, illuminating a wide-eyed kangaroo with clawed gloves tied onto its paws and large plastic wings strapped to its back. Dib slumped. "Seriously?" He sighed. "Another hoax, Zim. Somebody's just trying to get some attention." He crouched down, peering at it. It looked dazed, but not badly injured. "Poor thing's probably scared out of its wits."

"This is one of the NORMAL earth animals?" Zim boggled at the kangaroo.

"Yeah." Dib stood. "Can you call animal control and report this? They'll need to pick up the kangaroo and check on it. Pretty sure they're not native to this area. I'll start writing up our report for the Eyeball."

Zim nodded and pulled out a cell phone. Dib walked a few paces away. He'd taught Zim how to use a smartphone to find numbers online and call them. This would be a good refresher.

"Flirking advertisements. No, Zim is not interested in sweaty singles! No! Stop!"

Rolling his eyes, Dib pulled out a datapad and started logging the event.

Assignment: Investigate claims of paranormal disturbance at local slaughterhouse

Suspected target: Jersey Devil

"Hello? Can you hear me? Yes? Hello? Is this the filthy quadruped capture facility?"

Investigating agents: Agent Mothman and Agent Spiderlegs

Days spent on stakeout: 3

"Dib! What did you say this filthy beast was called?"

"Kangaroo," Dib called over his shoulder.

"Kang-a-roo. Yes. With wings and claws. Stop laughing! That's not supposed to be normal, somebody put a disguise on the creature!"

Expenses: Hotel, food, equipment purchases, car rental, phone usage. Receipts to follow.

"No this is not a joke of any kind, practical or impractical! Your presence is required at the slaughterhouse to remove the fake Jersey Devil that we stunned. What do you mean, 'animal cruelty'? It attacked first!"

Verification: Hoax. Attacked by a dressed-up kangaroo. Animal is stunned, awaiting local Animal Control employees.

"No YOU listen, you bald, dirt-born ape! If you think you can intimidate an elite soldier, feared from one end of the galaxy to the other, think again! I am Zim, your future star-guide, and one day you will weep to yourself that you ever crossed me when you hear of my rise to glory. Weep tears of shame and, eh, sulking!"

Status: Returning to base. Awaiting next assignment.

"DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON YOUR FUTURE STAR-GUIDE?"

…..

Note: The end! This was crazy fun to write. It's been a bit over a year since I started this as a way to process my move to another state and ended up being hijacked by the ghost of George Orwell. Loads of fun to write this fic, thank you all for riding along with me! If you also read Russian, check out Vivaldiny's Russian translation of this fic on Ficbook and AO3! Would love to hear your overall impressions and any constructive criticism you may have. Until next time!