-VII-

The ride home with Poe was laced with an icy silence, one I didn't want to breach and that perhaps Poe didn't know how to breach, at least not yet. As we sat near each other on the transport bench I could see he was tense and avoiding eye contact. I suppose he didn't want to talk about it in front of the other soldiers. I could appreciate the wisdom in that.

He was the least jovial that I'd ever seen him. I could see he was itching to say something to me, but he couldn't, so instead he brooded. His brooding put everyone on the transport in an uncomfortable silence, for it was so unusual for Poe to behave this way. I spent the rest of the ride home staring out of a window, wondering if there would be any way to make him understand what was happening between Kylo Ren and I. I concluded that there probably wasn't. He didn't understand the Force. He'd never understand the connection I shared with the Supreme Leader of the First Order. He would see it as madness, as traitorous, as despicable.

I could sense he was waiting to investigate before he cast judgment, but I wasn't sure an explanation would avert the judgment I felt was inevitable.

Finally, we arrived back on the Resistance base and Poe ordered his men to the barracks to refresh. I tried to remain inconspicuous as I turned towards the Jedi training camp, but he stopped me.

"Rey," he said, and I turned to look at him. He looked tired. I wasn't looking forward to this. "We need to talk."

"I suppose we do," I replied.

He led me into a conference room within the base, one which was empty except for a console in the middle around which planning members could view holos. He shut the door.

It took him a moment to face me, but when he did, he looked as if he didn't want to face me.

"Rey," he said, "would you care to explain what I've just overheard between you and Kylo Ren?"

"I'll explain," I said, feeling as if I couldn't fully commit, "but I don't think you'll understand."

"Perhaps not," replied Poe, "but please. Do it anyway."

I looked over him, wondering how much to tell and how to tell it. It wasn't that I didn't want to be honest, it was that I wanted to tell that which would be most comprehensible for him.

"Kylo Ren and I have a… bond," I said, and seeing Poe's confused face I added: "Through the Force."

"What do you mean a bond?" he asked.

"I mean we can communicate through the Force despite being in disparate locations," I replied.

"How long have you had this bond with Kylo Ren?" he asked.

"For… as long as I've known you," I said.

"What?" asked Poe in disbelief. "You mean you've been communicating with him all of this time? All this time we've been at war… with him?"

"We're not at war with him," I said.

"Yes we are," he replied.

"No, we're not," I insisted. "We're at war with the First Order."

"Which he leads," said Poe, looking as if this was clear and obvious.

"He does," I agreed, "but only because he thinks the galaxy needs the First Order."

"Which is a thing I assume all First Order members believe," said Poe, spreading his hands. "What does this tell me that I don't already know?"

"It's more nuanced than that," I said.

"Does he want the First Order to win?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Then he is our enemy," said Poe.

"But he only wants the First Order to win because he thinks it will create the most stability in the galaxy," I said. "He truly believes that. Trust me, we've argued about it… a lot."

Poe sighed and looked down, as if he wondered what to do with me. Glancing back up at me, he went on.

"Rey," he said, fixing me with the gaze he gets when he's intent on something, "Do you not realize you've been colluding with the enemy for… for as long as you've known me?"

I paused for a moment.

"Yes, I do," I said quietly. "But I have been loyal to the Resistance."

"How?" he demanded. "How is letting the leader of the FO know where I am going to be in any way loyal to the Resistance?"

"I didn't know he would do that!" I objected.

"Why did you tell him where we were going to be?" he asked.

"He wanted to see me… in person," I replied.

"You trust him enough to do that?" he asked in disbelief.

I hesitated a moment before saying, "Yes."

Poe's gaze wandered over my face, as if trying to figure me out, and I tried not to allow heat to suffuse my cheeks.

"Why did he want to see you in person?" inquired Poe, as if a suspicion was forming in his mind.

I glanced away.

"Oh, Rey," said Poe as his suspicion grew but his mind tried to reject it. "Rey…"

I shook my head.

"Tell me I'm wrong," said Poe. "Tell me its impossible. Will you? I'm asking you to tell me it isn't true, it can't be."

I heard his breath grow shorter beside me.

"Rey!" he said, harsh, tired of waiting for my reply.

I looked at him. Fine, he would have it. I suppose it would do better than to try and deny it. I lifted my chin and the fear and frustration on his face shifted, turning into a soft vulnerability.

"He and I have a bond in more than one way," I said. "We understand each other in a way no one else can. We care about each other, and we share the same desires for the future."

Poe opened his mouth to object, but I went on before he could.

"Those desires are," I insisted, "that this war ends, and that we reform the Jedi order together."

He appeared awash in the depths of processing what I'd just revealed, but there was a particular hurt which was woven in his eyes, though it could have only been noticed with the eye of one who knows him well.

"What we can't agree on," I went on, "is how the war should be ended. He thinks the Resistance should be overcome, and I believe he should surrender."

Poe leant against the frame of the closed door and drew a breath, letting it out.

"If you've had contact with him all these… these months, even more than a year… why didn't you ever tell anyone?" he asked.

"Because of this," I said, waving a hand. "Because you feel betrayed, don't you? You think I've betrayed the Resistance. It's… it's hard being a Force user, Poe. No one understands me."

"But you've never given me the opportunity to try," he said to me.

I shook my head and leaned back onto the other side of the frame, facing into the room. I let my gaze settle on the console, though only because it was there.

"Leia understood me," I said, missing her acutely in that moment. "I think she even knew I had a bond with Kylo Ren… with her son. Same as what she had with her brother. She knew the signs, and she knew the Force was greater than all this, all these wars. It transcends it."

"Don't the lives of all the people who die in the wars matter or is it all just nothing compared to your Force bonds?" demanded Poe, perhaps frustrated by his condition.

"Of course they matter," I said, feeling offended by his line of reasoning. "Why do you think I'm here and not there, with Kylo Ren?"

"I truly don't know," he said. "It seems as if you love him."

I scoffed, though his words cut me to the bone.

"Although perhaps that is more proof of my lack of understanding of Force users," he said, something fatalistic in his voice. "What am I to be, then? A pawn in the games of those who use the Force? Is that the role to which I am relegated?"

"Stars, no, Poe!" I objected. "What are you talking about? You're working towards the freedom of the galaxy, for the lifting of the oppression of the First Order, for the good of everyone!"

"Am I?" he asked me, his words quick, faint, almost as if he truly wondered. How could he wonder such a thing?

"Poe…," I said, taking his arm with my hand. He was pliant as he gazed at me, waiting for something, perhaps for proof that he wasn't wrong, for proof that I wasn't a traitor, for proof of anything that had now been put under scrutiny.

It wasn't my intention to look into him with the Force, I wasn't trying to do so. I tried to respect others' minds and keep out of them. It wasn't something that occurred to me to do, ever, but somehow it happened. Perhaps it was our closeness in that moment, and perhaps it was his vulnerability, but I saw into him at that moment. I saw through him. I saw that he was scared, that things weren't going well, that the Resistance was in over its head, that it was stretched thin, that it was inexperienced and as a result poorly managed. I saw the problems which mounted upon him, ever more every day, which had been hidden behind his trademark bravado. He was falling apart and cracking at the seams and didn't know how the Resistance was going to avoid crumbling for another day.

I felt terrible at once, I felt deep, agonizing empathy, and I touched his face.

Ben had been right all along.

"Poe…" I said, deeply sorry.

He sucked in a breath and pulled back, away from me, as if burned.

"How dare you," he said, affronted, hurt, betrayed.

"It was an accident," I said, helpless. "I didn't mean to."

"You are a traitor," he said.

"No, Poe," I said, "please… I wasn't trying to see what I saw."

"You are no longer part of the Resistance," he said, cold at once.

"Poe!" I objected. "Think about what you're saying!"

"I will give you a very generous offer, and you should carefully consider taking me up on it, because, if you refuse, the next 'offer' will be far less pleasant," he said. "You and your Force users will leave this base and go elsewhere. I don't care where. As you mentioned today, you're not even training them to fight for us, so it should work out better for both of us."

I felt tears stinging at my edges.

"You don't belong in this war," he said.

I didn't know what to say. I had felt like the Resistance was family. I felt a tear fall as Poe's face softened a little as he looked at me.

"It is your friendship that stops me from giving you what your punishment should be," he said. "You are a traitor. If the Resistance as a whole knew what you've done, they'd have you shot for treason, but I will keep it to myself. I'll keep your secrets, Rey."

I wiped the wetness from my face and glanced aside.

"You couldn't stay and continue to enjoy the freedom you've had anyway," he said, as if reasoning with me. "How could I give you access to comms, to weapons, to troops, or to transports? It would be impossible. I can't even let you know any information because it might end up in the hands of Kylo Ren."

"I know," I said, tears still assaulting me, "but you can't go on like this, Poe. How long can you last? How many people have to die?"

"How can I ever surrender to the First Order?" he asked.

I knew he couldn't, not like this. Not when the First Order was like it was. A genesis of an idea began to form in my mind.

"Poe… what if I work with Kylo Ren to reform the FO from inside?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" he asked. "Are you going to join the FO?"

"Never," I said.

"Then what?" he asked.

I considered. Maybe it was just a crazy idea, but maybe it would work. Maybe it would lead to an end to this war, and that's what we all wanted, wasn't it? For now, however, I decided to keep it to myself.

"I'll keep you posted," I said to him, meaning it. "You may be kicking me out of the Resistance, but you can always know I'm your ally."

He gave me a soft exhale, as if wondering what to do with me.

"I'll tell my padawans and we will move out as soon as possible, as soon as I figure out where to go," I said.

He gave a nod.

"Okay," he said.

"Thank you, Poe," I said. "Thanks for showing mercy."

"I had to," he said to me.

I smiled at him, understanding him more than I ever had. I liked him better, behind the bravado.

"I won't let you regret it," I said.

-o—o—o—o-

I was sitting on a bench, gazing out of a transport window into the unknown blackness of space when I saw him again. I felt him coming, first, slowly, like bleeding into being as I recognized the unique signature of him before he came into view. It was as if he sat on the nearest bench, as if he could gaze out of the next window nearby.

He was dark and his eyes fixed upon me and stayed there. I watched his pale face, brightened by the starlight and darkened by the shadow of the poorly lit transport.

My padawans were all around nearby and would know if I spoke, so I didn't. He seemed to know I couldn't talk right then.

I watched him stand and move closer to me, and I wondered what he was about. He sat beside me and I broke our gaze and tried to focus on the window. I felt his fingers touch my hand.

I shivered involuntarily.

I could sense him feeling for me in the Force as his fingers trailed along my skin, and I began to fight to keep my breath calm. I stood all at once.

The nearest padawan looked at me curiously.

"I'll be in the 'fresher," I managed, and I rushed towards the small room in the back of the transport and, once I'd gained access, shut and locked the door. It was scarcely big enough for me to stand with my arms outstretched, but he followed me.

"What do you think you're doing?" I chided him.

He didn't listen, though, or perhaps he didn't think it was worth answering because we both already knew. He took me into his arms and kissed me and I surrendered immediately, hopelessly, falling against the back of the fresher, where an outstanding fresher fixture hit me square in the back.

"Ow!" I yelped before I could think, and he jumped at once, pulling back.

I didn't like that, though, so I took him into my arms and pushed him into the corner and gave him a piece of my mind. Except I kissed him. A lot. He, to his credit, also surrendered immediately, with no hope of rescue.

After time, I felt as if he were adequately mussed and I turned to words.

"Ben," I said, brushing his hair languidly, adoringly from his face, "don't embarrass me in front of my padawans."

"I couldn't stop myself," he replied, lifting my chin thoughtfully, as if considering where to kiss me next.

"We do have something to talk about, you know," I said.

"Do we?" he mused, and then he fell upon my neck.

I leaned back against the wall and allowed it, relishing the pressure of him, his weight against me, his hands upon me. I sighed and ran my hands into his hair at the nape of his neck.

"Do you think we could reform the First Order?" I asked, cutting right to it.

He froze, his hands, his mouth, all of him. Pulling back, he looked at me with a cautious, almost suspicious expression.

"A lot of things have happened, Ben," I said.

"What has happened?" he inquired.

I told him about Poe, about finding out about him, about our bond, and about the exile upon which I was embarking with my padawans.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Where else can we go?" I asked. "Ahch-To."

"No," he said, shaking his head at me. "Don't go there."

"Where better to train my-," I began, but he cut me off.

"Come to me," he said, almost pleading.

"I can't do that!" I cried.

"Please," he said.

"What a horrible idea," I said, looking away. "We'd be… exterminated."

"I'm the Supreme Leader!" he cried, as if frustrated all at once. "I will forbid it!"

"You're one man," I said, glancing over him.

"Rey," he said, taking my arms in his hands. Intensity roiled off him in waves. "Come to me. Nothing will touch you as long as I live-,"

It was my turn to cut him off.

"And how long would they let you live, knowing that you're colluding with me?" I asked, perhaps more sharply than I intended.

He looked hurt for some reason.

"The First Order is full of wolves, and they aren't the forgiving sort. I was lucky with Poe, Ben, but you won't be," I said.

He released me, and rose to his height, cold at once.

"I don't need you to defend me," he stated.

I didn't know what we were arguing about anymore.

"I don't want to endanger you, regardless!" I replied, feeling my own frustrations creeping in.

"I need you," he said, but he said it so softly and so brokenly I could barely hear it, almost as if he didn't want it heard, but he couldn't keep it hidden within him anymore. A raw vulnerability tumbled across his face but was pulled back, smoothed away, and veneered almost immediately after.

I wanted to fall out of the stars at that moment and take him with me.

I reached out and placed my palm over his chest, over his beating heart which beat so hot and with such intensity I wanted to reach in and still it, to calm it, but to possess it at the same time.

His hand came up over my own.

"Do you want to reform the First Order with me?" he asked.

I blinked.

"Y-yes," I replied.

"I will do anything for you," he said, his voice fallen to a rough whisper.

I don't know why I wanted to cry.

"Come to me at Ahch-To," I said.

"I cannot," he said, a melancholy in his gaze.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Ahch-To is in the middle of nowhere, and a known Jedi temple," he said, as if I should know this, "And the last known whereabouts of Luke Skywalker! How can I go there? Could you have gone anywhere further from me? Could you have gone anywhere in the galaxy more difficult for me to get to see you again?"

"That wasn't my intent!" I replied.

"It is what it is," he said, as if his hands were washed of the matter.

"I can't bring these padawans into danger, Ben," I said. "I can't bring them into the knowledge of the First Order."

"You know I am the Supreme Leader," he said.

"What would General Hux think?" I asked. "What would he do? What would he think about you? What would he cause to happen? What dissent would build in the ranks?"

He paused, then, because he knew I was right in this.

Out of frustration, and perhaps desperation, he embraced me and pitted me against the back of the fresher. He kissed me in a way I could only describe as laced with sorrow.

"I miss you," he whispered to me.

"I miss you, too," I replied, meaning it to my bones.

A knock came on the door of the fresher and we both jumped in alarm, broken out of our joined reverie by the most basic of things.

"Just a minute," I called, and then I trained my eyes upward, onto Ben.

The way he looked at me told me everything I needed to know. I touched his face.

"I have to go," I whispered to him as softly as I could.

He kissed me again, a brief thing, and then stepped aside, away, removing his scent and his mass and his Force from me. I always mourned that loss, like losing a coat on a cold day.

I unlocked and opened the door back into the real world and smiled at my padawan.

"Sorry," I said, and moved back into the main room, retaking my seat to gaze out upon the stars.

Ben sat beside me until the Force pulled us apart.

-o-O-o-