The next thing Ben Solo remembered was waking up in the medbay of the Nowhere, which was really just the spare cabin where they kept the medkit. He groaned, blinking against the light from the room's glowpanels. When he could open his eyes without them watering, he noticed two things: one, that his left side was very warm, and two, that his left arm was also very numb. Rey was curled up against his side, asleep. For a moment he just looked, taking in the faint freckles on her cheekbones and the dark crescents under her eyes and the wispy hairs drifting over her forehead.

"Rey." What he had intended as a soft whisper came out in a raspy croak, and he winced. Instantly, Rey sat up on the edge of the bunk, her bleary gaze sharpening quickly to concern as she scanned his face, although she avoided meeting his eyes. He reached up to brush the loose strands of hair back, attempting to soothe her, but she frowned.

"Ben! You're awake."

He tried to smile but coughed instead. "Do you... water?"

"Yes! Here," she exclaimed, reaching to give him a cup full of cool water.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like death."

She didn't smile.

"Where are we?"

"The Nowhere, just off the Corellian Trade Spine headed to the Academy." Rey still wasn't quite meeting his eyes.

"Rey, what happened?"

"They ran away after you were knocked out. Disappeared. Too many of us were injured so we had to let them go."

Ben frowned, starting to push himself up, but Rey put a hand on his shoulder and shoved him down. He gasped a little at her forcefulness, frissons of Darkness running over his skin from where her nails dug into his tunic. She flinched, releasing him and shifted so that she was balanced on the edge of the bunk.

"Stay still. You have a bad concussion," she ordered, her confidence betrayed by the distress in her tone.

"The others?"

"Tirian's stable, we think." She pointed to the bunk opposite them, where he noticed Tirian's undignified sprawl across the blanket. "He's sleeping off the painkillers. We'll know more when he wakes up. Tarith has a nice-sized knot on his head. Joerian just needs some bacta patches and a good night's sleep."

"Silyana?"

Rey snorted, eyes fixed just above his head. "Piloting the ship."

Ben raised his eyebrows. "

She's still Silyana," Rey said, "so there's that."

He watched her eyes fix on somewhere distant while the silence thickened. "Rey," he said, voice low. "What happened?"

"I didn't kill them, alright? They ran away."

He waited. And then the dam broke.

"You didn't give me a choice - you just decided what was best for me, without asking what I wanted or I thought. You just assumed, just like them. They decided to give me to Plutt, and then Luke decided to take me away, then you decided to just leave. And you – you know what that means to me. I feel so alone." Moisture had started to leak from the corners of her eyes, shining in the glare of the glowpanels. He desperately wanted to reach out and wipe his thumb along her cheekbone, to touch her hand, linking her fingers with his. But now was not the time, so he resisted.

Instead, he whispered, gently. "Say it."

"You left, Ben." She met his gaze, even though her eyes were swimming in tears.

"Why?" He pushed himself up slowly, his head swimming, and this time she didn't stop him.

"I was afraid," he admitted. "I was afraid of what the galaxy would do. I was afraid of what he – Snoke – would do. I was afraid of what I would do. Or really, what I had already done. Especially, what I'd done to you."

Her brow wrinkled in confusion. She sniffed, hard. "What do you mean?"

"Before everything, before Luke found you, I already struggled with the Dark. I didn't know about Anakin, or about Vader." He broke off, his thoughts suddenly diverted. "You know I didn't know about Vader before Casterfo's reveal, right? I need you to know that."

"Of course," she scoffed with a hiccup, the words partially tear-choked, looking up to glare at him.

He relaxed slightly, reaching out to brush his finger over the bracelet on her wrist before pulling himself back again. "When I found out, I thought that all the Darkness, the reason he targeted us, was because of me, that I... infected you somehow."

"You know that's stupid, right?"

He looked up at her.

"The Darkness is always there. We are the ones who get to choose what we do with it." She poked him in the chest with her other hand, the laugh wrenched out of her throat turning into another hiccup. "You have to let me choose, Ben."

"I'm sorry," he offered. She smiled, blinking away the last of her tears.

He was staring, he knew. Even though her nose was red and her eyes pink and her hair messy, he couldn't help but look at her, really look at her for the first time in almost a year. He could feel it within her now, the pain warring with the hope that was quintessentially Rey. Guilt clawed up his throat as he realized that what he thought he was sparing her from he had actually caused by leaving.

"I actually did choose," she said quietly, nervous energy seeping through their joined hands.

"What?" Ben said, bringing himself back to the present.

"I chose – "

Tirian groaned loudly from the other side of the cabin. Rey jumped away and Ben stopped himself from snatching her back.

"Tirian, can you hear me?" she asked, slipping into her nurse's role.

Tirian swore. "I'm wounded, not deaf, Rey. Force, this stings! I don't believe you administered the correct dosage. Perhaps you gave it all to your boyfriend over there."

Ben glared at him, the throbbing in his skull intensifying with Tirian's whining.

"Despite what you and the others may think, Ben and I did not spend the last few months gallivanting around the galaxy together."

Ben's ears burned. Did they really think that?

"Hmm, yes, I suppose you two would have killed each other long before this lovely misadventure we just had."

"Shut up and take your shirt off."

The room went deathly silent. Both boys' eyes jerked to Rey's reddening face.

"I need to change your bacta patch," she finished weakly.

Ben pretended disinterest while Rey attended to the wound on Tirian's torso, a long, cauterized slice along his ribs that would heal into an impressive scar. Ben ignored the hot feeling building in his stomach and tingling in his fingertips, pretending not to hear Tirian's griping about her callous fingers and terrible bedside manner. Mercifully, Rey dosed him again, and soon his complaining started to slur.

"I saw it, Rey," Tirian bleared. "I never knew you were so powerful in the D–"

"You're drugged. Go to sleep before you make a fool of yourself," she ordered hastily.

Once Tirian was properly knocked out again, Rey came back to where Ben was slumped on the bunk. "Your turn," she said. B

en had absolutely no complaints as she examined his wound, her cool fingers combing through his hair to find the swelling contusion on his skull. "

I was afraid, too, Ben."

He was quiet, closing his eyes as he listened.

"I was afraid I'd lost you, that you'd gone to him. Then you were back." Her fingers probed at the lump back of his head and he winced. "But just now, I thought I was going to lose you all over again. After I'd just gotten you back."

Her fingers released his hair and he sat back against the wall, watching her tug at the twine on her wrist.

"It was natural," she said with conviction. "It was right. I called on the Force, and it answered."

Ben thought of the wave of Darkness that rolled over him as his consciousness had slipped away, of Tirian's words just now.

No.

"Rey, what happened?"

"I saved you. I saved everyone. I drove them away." Her eyes glared into his. "I had to use the Dark, Ben." "

Rey," he said, his voice breaking. "You shouldn't have done that. You should have let me die."

She stood. "You do realize the Dark saved me before? When I was a child, when I killed all those desert lunatics? I did that, Ben. I wasn't possessed or coerced. I chose to do that, to save myself." She turned, kicking the medkit on the ground. "I know that was wrong, alright? It was selfish. I didn't fully understand the consequences of what I was doing." She came back, placing a hand on his cheek, and he stilled, feeling the Darkness seep between them. "But today was not for me. This was for my friends. For you."

Ben was unmoving, staring into the bright hazel of her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, gently gripping her wrist and removing her hand from his face, pushing her away. Confusion clouded her expression and she sat back. Hurt flickered in her eyes before they closed off to him, and a part of him died.

"So am I."

No one had commed ahead to tell those on Alaris Prime that they were coming. Everyone was either unwilling or unconscious, so the Jedi and the New Republic soldiers hadn't been informed of the disaster on Pamarthe. Still, the disquiet that roiled on board the Nowhere was enough to make anyone suspicious.

Luke knew. Ben thought Luke might even know intuitively before they'd disembarked from the Nowhere. His uncle's wary eyes locked on Rey from up the slope towards the Temple as she helped Joerian down the ramp onto the dirt landing pad. Ben frowned angrily, his fists clenched as he stared at Luke.

"Don't even think about it," Silyana said, bumping into him as she passed so that he jerked away.

"What?" he snapped. She turned back, raising her hands to make air quotes.

"'Defending her honor.' It won't end well."

He glowered, looming in an attempt to intimidate her into walking away.

"Do what you want, but you can't change what happened. I saw it." Her eyes glowed. "It was incredible."

"Switch off!"

She shrugged and sauntered away just as a unit from the New Republic outpost arrived. The surprisingly calm commanding officer quickly took over, assigning soldiers to escort the injured – which was almost everyone – to the outpost's medbay, and conversing rapidly with Luke, whose slumped posture made him look weary and defeated.

After the med droid cleared him with strict admonishments to go to his quarters and rest for the next few days, Ben trudged from the medbay back to the Academy grounds. Luke was waiting for him and gestured for him to follow, then walked up the hill to the Temple. Ben wasn't sure why he went, but he did.

Luke sat cross-legged on the floor.

"Ben."

"Luke."

The silence was brittle.

"The others won't speak to me about what happened on Pamarthe, or, like Tarith, claim they were unconscious for most of it."

Ben's eyes traced the dust motes that danced in the beams of sunlight from the high windows.

"Rey refused to acknowledge me at all," Luke continued. "I have to tell them something, Ben. I cannot withhold information from the commander. You wouldn't know, but this past year I've been trying to keep the New Republic from burning all our work to the ground. With your mother ostracized, I don't have many friends left in the Senate. What you and Rey did, running off like that, it didn't help things. It made it worse."

"I'm sorry my lack of forthrightness about my nonexistent plans caused you inconvenience," Ben said tonelessly.

Luke scowled, then sighed. "I know I deserved that. It doesn't matter."

Ben scoffed.

"But I warned you."

Ben looked up at the thick emotions in Luke's voice.

"I warned you, Ben. I told you how she admired you, how she cared for you, but still you walked away." Luke stood and began to pace. "Silyana told me what happened on Pamarthe. That Rey used the Dark to defeat his enforcers."

Ben stiffened. He hadn't expected Silyana to snitch.

"Rey's going down the same path. The path that my father took. You weren't there when I found her, Ben. You didn't see what she'd done, what she was capable of."

Unbidden, Ben suddenly saw all the parallels: enslaved on a desert planet with only the desperate will to stay alive, taken while still a young child to learn the ways of the Jedi, courted throughout her youth by a Dark shadow, then threatened with the loss of a loved one and the foundation of her life. But immediately he was angry at those unfaithful thoughts.

"She is not Anakin," Ben snarled.

"Don't be a fool," Luke shouted. "She's choosing the Dark."

"No," Ben shot back. "Don't ever, ever, say that."

Ben knew it wasn't her fault. He had done this. He had exposed her to his Darkness. By confiding in her, he had forced her to bear his burden. And then, like a fool, he had run away and left her to deal with it alone. His return had been an even worse mistake. He'd forced her hand, forced her to turn to the Dark Side. He was the worst kind of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ben left abruptly, storming out into the night, the ache in his head risen to a steady throb. The shimmering rainbows in the upper atmosphere were unusually vibrant, but Ben didn't notice as he strode towards his quarters. I

n his old room, he quickly shed his boots and shirt before crashing onto the bed, punching his pillow into shape with a growl. The sheets smelled stale and there was dust covering all the flat surfaces in the room. Everything was as he'd left it almost a year ago. Yet he knew everything wasn't how he'd left it, and not just the things in this room.

The Academy was still the home of the New Jedi Order. Luke was still his uncle. And Rey... she was still Rey.

But everything was different. He didn't fit here anymore, if he ever had. This room was unfamiliar, like a stranger's. And again, it was his own doing.

Ben tossed and turned, trying to will himself into unconsciousness. He stood up and paced to ease the restlessness in his limbs, drank water to eradicate the dry fuzziness in his mouth, attempted meditation to slow his racing thoughts. None of it worked. In a flare of temper, he thrust out a hand, telekinetically shoving his desk against the far wall so that it smashed to kindling, spilling its contents across the floor. Ben slouched on his bed, head in his hands.

It was probably the worst twenty minutes of sleep he'd ever gotten when he jerked awake, half-slumped over on his covers. He felt awful, the lingering symptoms of his concussion blearing his thoughts. Soft warm light glowed outside his window, and he groaned. Is it already time for sunrise?

"Ben."

He startled, finally noticing the dark silhouette outlined with a ruddy glow standing in his doorway, tension and fear visible in its stance. He had to blink a few times to focus his eyes, but he already knew who it was.

"Rey. What's wrong?"

She seemed momentarily thrown by his state of partial undress, but then her terror washed over him, her anger and confusion. He struggled to think clearly against the intensity of her emotions as he stood.

"I don't know what to do, Ben."

He saw now how the light flickered oddly on her face, how her hands gripped her lightsaber hilt tightly, how she was tensed as if to flee from him. He sensed the Darkness crackling off her skin, seeming to shimmer in the air between them, and his heart went cold.

"Rey," he breathed, holding out a hand as if to calm her. "What did you do?"

She drew back. "What did I do?" Her eyes narrowed. "You're with him, aren't you?"

"What? Who, Rey? What are you talking about?"

She took a half step forward, and suddenly she was in his mind. Reflexively, he tried to throw up his mental defenses, but he was helpless against her; he always had been. It didn't take much to find the memory of his confrontation with Luke as it was so recent, consuming his thoughts. Rey retreated from his mind as if burned.

"You agree with him," she hissed. "You think I'm lost, consumed in Darkness."

"Rey, no – "

"I thought you understood." Then, quieter: "I thought I wasn't alone."

He took a step forward, his expression grave. Energy was rising around them, building, pressing down. They were alone, yet he felt the weight of so many silent witnesses.

"No," she said, holding up a hand. He waited. "You don't get to decide."

He struggled with what to say, to bring her back from the brink. He watched her, her eyes wide and tormented, glistening in the shifting light that he recognized as the flicker of flames when the pungent smell of smoke stung his nose. Slowly, he let out a breath.

"This is not your fault," Ben said.

She inhaled sharply, studying him. She cocked her head, then nodded slightly, her eyes clearing. "But it is. This is my choice."

He lunged forward, all his senses screaming, but it was too late. The energy that had been building erupted over them, her upheld hand clenching into a fist, and his world imploded in splintered wood and flame.

When he woke, the world was gray. Ash drifted through the air, coating the ground. He groaned, trying to make sense of his body. Various pains made themselves known, but none of them were particularly severe, so he ignored them in favor of pushing himself up to a sitting position. His head spun, and he tried to regulate his breathing, but each inhale made him cough on the smoke as he tried to clear his screaming thoughts.

No.

Ben leaned over and vomited, acid burning up his throat and over his tongue. Once he'd finished retching, he wiped his eyes. He stumbled to his feet just as an explosion from the landing pad rocked the ground, a column of flame rising to lick the underbelly of the clouds. Ben lifted his hands reflexively against the blast even though he was on the other side of the Academy grounds. When he lowered his arms, he could finally take in the scene before him. Clouds covered the sky, letting only a dim filtered light penetrate, contrasted with the harsh glare of several fires scattered about, but it was enough to let him see his surroundings.

The Temple and the New Republic outpost were gone, razed to the ground, a smoking ruin.

No.

He stumbled forward, searching for the others, but it was unnaturally quiet. Even the Force was still, like the mirrored surface of a fathomless lake.

In the smoldering wreck of a dwelling, he found the first. He grunted as he shifted a charred beam, tossing it further back along with a few shingles. It was a boy, his eyes closed and his skin chilled. Ben recognized him vaguely, remembered him clinging to Lalae's hand when he had first returned to Alaris Prime just a few days ago. Soft brown eyelashes pressed onto the boy's cheeks, and his face looked peaceful, a juxtaposition to the horrible scorched hole through his heart. Ben drew back his hand, noticing in a distant way that it was shaking.

No.

Ben found the others as the clouds began to fall apart, pouring down rain. Tarith al Rael, sprawled on his back with a crushed neck. Lalae Halo, a seared wound through her abdomen. Joerian Andor, a raw slash disfiguring his face. Ryl, Shul, Zarr. The New Republic soldiers, their corpses littering the ground. Ben sank to his knees in the mud, soaked through by the deluge from above.

"Rey!" he screamed into the rain. He couldn't feel her, he couldn't sense her. He wasn't even thinking at this point; his mind was a torrent of raging emotion. His sight locked on the raindrops beading on the skin of the corpse in front of him. It was too much. He tried to focus, choosing to pinpoint on something hard digging into his knee – a rock? A pebble? He felt the ground underneath him, pulling out the offending object. Its smoky iridescence was smudged with filth, but it was unmistakably Rey's pearl.

No. The Force now was thrashing around him, choppy waves as before a storm.

Her choice is made. Follow, and you will not lose her. Together, you will be more than this.

Ben choked out a laugh. He had already done that. He had not only lost her, he had pushed her away, destroyed her. It was his fault. Now he was done, his despair rising above all others, pushing out and over. He bent over himself, ragged breaths shaking his body. The pearl burned in his grasp. He let out a scream, tearing it free from deep inside.

And then it was all gone, and he gasped, trembling. The rage and fear, Snoke's presence, the burden he had lived with his whole life was suddenly vanished. But so was something else he had never thought to be without: the hum and sensation that was woven into his mind, threading through his veins, guiding and lifting him.

The Force was absent from Ben Solo. He was freed even as part of him withered and died, but he found he didn't mind, so long as he didn't have to feel anymore.

~Author's Note:

THIS IS NOT THE END!

Although it's kind of the end of an era. I can't believe we've made it! I want to thank you all for reading and leaving kudos and commenting as I've shared my story with you.

Part Two, I Love It When I Fall for That is coming soon!

Now, I already have the first chapter written, so I will be posting that in two weeks. If you want to know when that happens, you can follow me here on or find me on tumblr a-nerd-obsessed and follow me for updates. Thank you so much for reading!

Thanks to my beta AngstyWriter for being my biggest cheerleader and the best editor!