Painful Goodbyes

Hey guys- I'm back with a brand new chapter for my This Is Us series, set one month after Jack's death.

Kate's POV

I open my eyes to the sound of pitiful whimpering. As I look around, the room is still pitch dark. As my eyes become accustomed to the dark, I spot the source of the noise. My dog Louis is sitting up in his basket in the corner of the room. We lock eyes and he lets out another sad whimper.

I look at the alarm clock beside my bed and sigh. 4 am in the morning. What does he probably want?

" What do you want, Louis?" I ask him softly. " Are you hungry? Do you need to go to pee?"

He perks up in his basket, pleased at having gotten my attention, and wags his tail.

I reluctantly get out of bed and trudge to the kitchen of the rented house, with him following me close behind. I open the back door for him to go out to do his business. He dashes out almost immediately, and I pour some dog treats into his bowl. He bounds back into the kitchen after a moment and gobbles down the treats eagerly. Sometimes, I wish I were a dog. Dogs are always happy all the time, no matter the circumstances.

I stroke his back gently as I watch him devour his meal. A heavy feeling enters my heart. He is an innocent dog and doesn't deserve this. No. It's not his fault- I tell myself.

I just can't bear to look at Louis anymore. Every time I look at him, I have a flashback reminding me of how my beloved Dad lost his life trying to save him. Before that tragic night, Louis was the center of my life. All my love and attention was focused on Louis. Now, seeing Louis is just a painful reminder of the fact that I've lost my dad.

I can still remember very vividly my screams of terror as I heard Louis barking for help from inside the burning house, and as I watched Dad rush back into the burning flames of the house. I was so shaken up, so upset that Louis was trapped in the house and would be burnt alive. Dad surprised me by running back into the house, despite Mom's protests. In retrospect, I have no idea why he had to go back into the house. Mom, Randall and I were all safe. Yes, he managed to save Louis and the important family documents, but at what cost? It cost him his life! I can't help but wonder daily each time I look at Louis- would Dad still have been alive had he not gone back in? I love them both, but if I had to choose between them, I would choose Dad for sure. Mom had mentioned that Dad died of smoke inhalation. Had he not gone back into the house, he would have inhaled the same amount of smoke as me, Randall and Mom. We survived and he should have as well.

I know that Dad saved Louis for my sake because he loved me and didn't want to see me heartbroken. But what he didn't realize back then was that I would be even more devastated to lose him.

The familiar feelings of anger and guilt overtake me the longer I look at Louis. Because of him, I have lost my beloved Dad - who was my best friend, confidante, most loyal supporter. I have lost my livelihood.

Life is not worth living anymore when you have lost the only person who tells you that you're perfect just the way you are. Everyone else, my friends and even my mom tell me that I need to lose more weight.

I remember the day before his death- I was recording a video for my application into university. Dad was secretly using his video camera to record me singing. When I turned around and realized that he was recording me, I was extremely pissed off. Why would he do such a thing- recording me singing without my consent? He was embarrassing me!

Looking back now, I'm so glad that he did it. The video is an evidence of his time here on earth, a proof that I have been loved by the best Dad ever. I have been replaying the video's tape recording so many times for the past month. Seeing the proud look on his face in the video as he recorded me is what has gotten me through this past month. Somehow seeing Dad in person, even if just on video, helps fill the void in my heart. It is cathartic indeed to be able to see Dad smiling proudly at me while holding his camera. In a strange way, replaying that video recording again and again makes me feel like he is always here with me, looking out for me.

Watching this video also made me realize how genuinely proud he was of me. When my friends in school laughed at me and called me fat, I returned home upset. Dad, always the one to sense my downcast mood, would ask me what's wrong, and I would open up to him. With Dad, there was nothing to hide. He would then comfort me by saying that it doesn't matter what they say- for him I'm beautiful, and that was all that mattered. Once, in third grade, when I came back crying after a few girls in the class wouldn't play with me as they thought I was fat and ugly- Dad actually took the matter into his hands and approached the girls, nicely telling them that what they were doing wasn't right. They never did bully me after that.

He would also always diffuse the tension between me and mom. Mom and I have a rocky relationship. I always feel like she expects me to be as perfect and beautiful as her. I am not and never will be. I always feel like she thinks I am not a good enough singer and can't sing as well as her. I've to admit, deep down inside I'm always jealous of the fact that she is so gorgeous. Even when I tried to starve myself to the point of eating only salad daily, I could never be as slender as her.

My relationship with Dad though is different. With Dad, I felt like I am free to be my true, authentic self. With him, I did not need to pretend to be anyone I was not. There were many instances where I would get into an argument with Mom, over a dress which I couldn't fit in or an off-handed remark she would make about my appearance which would trigger my fury. Dad would always manage to diffuse the situation by calming both me and Mom down individually. Now, there is no one to mediate my arguments with Mom.

Now with Dad gone, I'll also miss the impromptu ice cream sessions I had with him. When I was younger, whenever I got upset when Mom mentioned that I needed to watch my weight, Dad would cheer me up by bringing me to our favorite ice cream parlor in town, called Frenchies. It offers a wide variety of ice cream flavors, and I loved sampling a different combination of flavors each time. Dad, on the other hand, loved the banana pudding flavor. Over ice cream, Dad would then tell some jokes which would send me cracking up in fits of laughter and forget about the reason I was upset earlier on.

Also, I can never forget the time I was waiting for the bus to a private signing session with Alanis Morrissette. I love her songs and really wanted to meet her in person. When I found out that she was coming to town, I knew that I had to go meet her and get her autograph or a picture with her. When I saw Dad pulling up, my heart sank as I knew that I would be busted for skipping school. It turned out that he was the most sporting Dad ever, giving me a ride right to the studio where Alanis was meeting her fans. It was a secret between us which Mom never found out about.

I am always Dad's little girl, no matter how old I am. I was, am and always will be his little 'Katie girl.' He made me believe in myself and never gave up on me.

Louis has finished gobbling up his treat and is now looking up at me with pleading eyes, as if begging for more. I just cannot bear to look at those eyes anymore.

I fill up his bowl with another round of treats. I am going to spoil him now, because this will be his last day with me. I've made up my mind, I can't keep him any longer.

"I'm sorry, Louis," I whisper as I gently stroke his back as he continues devouring his food. "I'm so sorry."

He pauses for a moment to look up from his food and wag his tail at me, before returning his attention back to the food.

This gesture of his makes me feel even more guilty about the decision I've made.

I return back to my room with Louis trailing right behind me. As Louis settles into his basket again, I sit up on my bed, knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. I haven't been sleeping much for the past month, because every time I fall asleep, images of that fateful night- the fire, my horrified screams, the smell of smoke, and my terror of seeing Dad running back into the burning house would come back to haunt me.

Later in the morning

I am chewing absent-mindedly on my piece of toast, thinking about how to say goodbye to Louis. It is going to be heartbreaking for me to separate from this loyal dog who gave me licks and tail wags when I'm feeling down. However, I know that it has to be done. If I'm ever going to keep my sanity intact, I have to let go of this dog.

It is a weekend, so I plan to walk him straight to the pet adoption center about 15 minutes away from home right after breakfast.

" Hey." Mom greets me as she enters the kitchen and proceeds to pour two cups of coffee, one of each of us. She then takes a seat beside me.

" Hey." I greet her back, still munching on my toast and not looking at her. I just can't bear to look at the sadness in her eyes and the grief on her face.

" Do you have anything planned for today?" she asks. " Like going out with friends or something? Kevin was staying the night at Sophie's, and Randall is going to Alison's later."

What?! Mom do you expect me to just go on with life like normal after all that has happened?! Life isn't the same anymore, and I can't possibly pretend that it is!

" Nothing much. I'm just taking the dog out for a walk." I answer casually.

" Well, that's good. You need to get some fresh air. It's good for you." Mom approves.

" What do you mean by that?!" I shoot back suddenly.

Mom lifts her hands up in a defensive gesture.

" I'm just saying that you need to get some fresh air," she repeats in a cautious tone.

" Stop telling me what I need to do! You've been telling me what to do my whole life, and I'm sick and tired of it. Ok? Stop telling me what I can or cannot become, Mom. Just back off and leave me alone." I retort.

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry." Mom apologizes. I think I can hear a quiver in her voice, but I can't bear to bring myself to look at her. Looking at her would only make me feel worse.

" It's ok, Mom. I'm going to bring the dog out for a walk now." I mutter.

Just then, Randall enters the kitchen.

" Morning Mom, Kate.' he greets us.

" You want me to come with you?" he offers as he sees me placing the leash on Louis.

" It's ok, you stay with Mom," I answer before walking out of the door, leaving Mom in the kitchen with her favorite son.

Fifteen minutes later, I am at the animal shelter.

" Hey" a pleasant looking middle-aged lady greets me. " How may I help you?" she asks.

" Hey- this is my dog, Louis," I say- gesturing at him, as she bends down to give him a pat on the head.

" Hey Louis." she greets him cheerfully as he wags his tail at her.

" He's such a friendly dog." she points out as I nod in agreement.

" Yes, he is," I say. " It's a good thing that he is friendly because I can't keep him any longer."

" Oh, why not?" she asks, a sympathetic tone in her voice.

For a moment, I am tempted to tell her the truth, that I just can't continue to be reminded of Dad each time I look at the dog, but I know that I'll break down in front of her, a complete stranger, if I mention Dad.

" I just can't afford to take care of him anymore." I lie. " I'm sure there are many people who are better equipped to care for him."

" Ok. Well, are you sure about this, young lady? Because once we take him in, you can't take him back anymore. So you need to be completely sure that you want to surrender him to us." she confirms with me.

Louis looks at me as our eyes meet. He has a pitiful look in his eyes, as if he senses that I am giving him away and he's silently begging for me to keep him. To add to my guilt, he cocks his head to one side, a gesture which I have always found adorable.

For a split second, I consider retracting my statement and telling her that I don't want to give Louis away after all.

I look away from both Louis and the shelter keeper, trying to blink back the tears that are starting to fill my eyes.

" Yes," I answer firmly, trying to hide the quiver in my voice.

Louis lets out a woeful whimper.

" Ok, we'll take him in. I'm sure we can find him a suitable owner, he'll be in good hands." the lady smiles at me as she takes the leash from my hands.

Louis whimpers again as he looks at me.

Fighting back tears, I bend down to pat him on the head one last time.

"It's ok Louis, you will find another home, a better home. You'll find someone who will love you and take good care of you. You'll be ok. You'll be ok." I whisper gently to him as I stroke his back and pat his head.

He licks me on the face. I think he can sense that this is goodbye.

I need to leave this place as soon as possible before I change my mind.

" Bye Louis," I say as I stand up, give him a final pat and turn around to walk away.

" Say bye." I hear the lady telling him.

As I walk towards the door, I can hear Louis barking, begging for me to turn back to get him.

With tears now freely rolling down my cheeks, I walk out of the door.

An hour later, I'm at Frenchies, where Dad and I loved to hang out.

" Hey, Kate- haven't seen you for quite some time. What flavor would you like today?" the guy at the counter, Nick, asks.

" Chocolate and vanilla flavor, please," I answer politely, and he proceeds to make my ice cream.

" Here you go," he says as he returns with my order a few moments later. " Where is your Dad? You usually come with him."

" He's gone," I say with a flat tone of voice.

Nick gasps as he covers his mouth and a sorrowful look overtakes him.

" I'm so sorry, Kate. I didn't know. My deepest condolences to you and your family," he says, a sympathetic tone in his voice. " How are you coping? Are you ok?"

" I'm fine," I lie, as I pay for the ice cream and take it from him.

" Ok," he says, catching my signal not to probe any further.

I proceed to the usual table where Dad and I used to sit. Somehow, even though the place was always full, the table seemed to always be available for the both of us. It was as if the table was specially reserved for us.

I settle down in my usual seat and take a tiny scoop of the ice cream. It somehow doesn't taste as good as when Dad is sitting opposite of me, savoring his banana pudding ice cream.

I glance longingly at the empty seat opposite of mine, the seat which Dad used to occupy. The empty chair symbolizes the current empty feeling in my heart.

Even eating ice cream at my favorite hang out spot isn't the same anymore without Dad.

I remember how Dad and I used to sit here and talk for hours here whenever I had an argument with Mom. Now, there is no one for me to eat ice cream with, no one to cheer me up when I'm feeling angry or upset, no one to make me laugh.

" Kate!"

A familiar voice pulls me back to the present.

I see Randall and Alison approaching my table.

"Hey," I greet shyly as I shake Alison's hand. She is a nice girl, but not someone I would typically hang out with.

" Are you ok?" Randall asks me as he places a hand on my shoulder.

It is taking me a lot of strength to stop tears from rolling down my cheeks again.

Damn you, Randall. Why do you have to do this? You know very well that this is mine and Dad's favorite hangout place. Why do you have to make this caring gesture which can cause me to break down in public at any minute?

" Yeah, I'm fine," I reply meekly.

Randall, having known me for our entire lives, sees right through my lie.

" No, you're not," he states matter-of-factly.

He turns to Alison.

"Ali- I'm bringing Kate home now. You can come along with us." he offers.

" It's ok- I'll call Nicole to pick me up from here," she says as she smiles sympathetically at me.

" Ok- I love you. I'll see you tomorrow." Randall says as he gives her a quick and affectionate peck on the cheek.

" Come, let's go home," he says as he places an arm around my shoulder as we walk out of the place.

Half an hour later, both Randall and I are settled on the couch in the living room of our rented house.

A tense silence passes between us as we stare at the blank TV screen.

" You gave the dog away," he says disbelievingly.

" Yes," I answer nonchalantly.

" Why, Kate?" he asks. " Why did you do that? The dog is innocent."

" I know he is! I just can't keep him any longer, because every time I see him, I am reminded of how Dad gave his life by going into the burning house to save him!" I snap.

" I'm sorry," I mutter, realizing that I am answering too harshly. " I did what I had to."

" It's ok," Randall says calmly. " I know you're angry and upset about Dad. I am too."

" Why did he have to go?" I ask as I look at him sorrowfully.

" I don't know. What I do know is that he is in a better place now, and it's not Louis's fault. Dad ran back into the house because he knew you loved Louis and he loved you," he says.

I remain silent, as I purse my lips together, trying to stop myself from crying.

" I miss Dad so much," I admit, my voice shaking. "He used to sit opposite me in the ice cream place. It just isn't the same anymore without him. I miss Louis too." I add ruefully.

"I know, I miss Dad too," Randall says as he places a comforting arm around my shoulder, and I lean on his shoulder for support. "I sort of miss Louis too. He always greeted me cheerfully at the door whenever I return home."

We sit in that position for a long moment, the sweet memories of Dad playing in our minds.

" Hey- do you want to watch a rerun of Sex In The City?" Randall suggests.

"Ok." I nod, smiling at him. I feel much better already, just having him by my side.

We sit side by side on the couch, indulging ourselves in our guilty pleasure, relying on each other for support and company in this tough time. Although I have lost my beloved Dad, I am grateful that I still have my brothers and my mom to depend on.

Alright- that's it for this chapter. Comments, reviews, reblogs and messages are very much appreciated. I would love to hear from you all! 3 Do stay tuned for Randall's POV!