||Confided in pages||

13th April, 18

Dear Kitty,

Before I was gonna start writing this entry, I was wondering what I'll be really speaking though I had so much to say. I'm broken so many times. I'm shattered million times… but then I'm joined through the pieces to stand once again.

They think I'm cheerful, bossy, maybe an idiot wanting nothing but to boss around. They think I got a dementia just because I wasn't quick remembering they asked me make dinner. They think I'm an over exceedingly extrovert and just want the things I want to be done. I'm impatient, stupid and irritating and I'm wanted to be gotten rid. That wasn't really I was expecting from my sisters. Then, why do I stay there…

(It's my home, no, house, I've to stay there..)

Hey…

Hey…

Why are these tears falling? I don't want to spoil these sheets. Stop them.

Stop them from shedding. Revive me; smile.

Revive me.

What do I need to do more Kitty? I had tried my best to be the best student, a loyal cheerleader, a helpful one and a responsible daughter. Please…don't say me I'm nothing.

"Nothing"?

Even the word seems less empty then myself.

I've wished and wanted a few things just like any being does. It's not always true that we achieve what we just want. There had to be certain things done, things that are associated.

What did I lack?

Patience?

Softness?

Hardworking capacity?

Tenderness?

Hope in God that everything is gonna be alright?

Obedience?

What….?

I suppress my wishes 'cause they are perhaps just can't be granted right now. I'm tired and defeated over and over again.

Today…Emily won again and I loose… What is that that it's always her that's above me?

Why do I rarely do better? Though it does mean that I can do better than her, then why?

I was controlling my throbbing heart beats all through the recess and when it was done, shortly afterwards, there was a huge pandemonium in the class filled with agog of excitement. My fingers were shaking but I dint move, neither did Emily. She continued reading, seeming very impervious, like she knew she would be the winner…

My eyes were constantly looking at the door, where he would come; laugh a little speaking rubbish and give me a soft kiss on forehead congratulating me that I was…

But he didn't… rather he came close and gave a light hug and that's when I understood I've not done it this time yet. His head was though briefly, when on my shoulder, I glanced at her noticing giving a sigh of relief pass her lips which was replaced by a smile of victory. Though I hate to admit, it didn't include any malice or ego or any pride but I was, well, sorta jealous.

Me, as usual, second.

Later, he says me during lunch that I'm ungrateful, can never enjoy the little happiness in life and is too much ambitious. He says that he is shocked to see me. That was a little said in-too deep.

To quote my words, I've said him, "What did I ever ask you for Ty, just a little kiss on my forehead?" It was rather a sigh as I held my chin in my palm encircling fingers around.

HaHa! His reaction was a little humorous; he gasped first, mouth dropping to table, looked around, then in a defensive way he pointed towards me, his fingers and said, "I can't kiss you until you gets the first rank, you yourself knows that too well!"

I nodded and sighed simultaneously. "I'd kiss you every day and hour if that makes you happy Hils." He chuckled with a smirk quickly forming.

"Hn, no thanks." I folded my lips and we laughed a little.

That's what had happened. He's just too wrong. He just don't know how broken I'm, that I didn't mean what exactly I said, but at the end of the day, I'm forced to laugh a bit, because ofor him, though my mind ends daily on thinking of new strategies and ideas how to be more efficient…

A short fic I wanted to write, Hilary being the underdog. Well, I want to say something: "It all comes to an end today, and I don't know if I'm really happy that I've done it or not, seriously." Yes, you are right. I'm done with whatever I was saying and maybe you can expect the updates though I've severe mood swings even for reading stories, far is thought of writing or uploading. But still, as I'd committed (committed?) I'll try and will write and upload. Please pray for me! For whatever I've been wanting, that I achieve it! Do you, know what's today? If you do, then perhaps you'll be knowing what I'm speaking of. Anyway, take care and you guys tell me what updates you want, if any. Take care.