This story starts off during the scene in Olivia's office toward the end of the episode "The Book of Esther" when she breaks the news to Amanda, and continues from there (minus the church scene afterwards). Please be aware of spoilers for season 19, if you're not caught up with the current episodes. I was blown away by this episode and thought Kelli Giddish did an absolutely phenomenal job! My favorite one of the season!

Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist in this fic.

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"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Olivia doesn't even know precisely what she is apologizing for as she bears witness to her detective's complete and utter devastation, Amanda in the throes of a meltdown in her office as those raw, broken sobs echo off the walls and pierce straight through to her heart. She paces back and forth on the other side of her desk, wringing her hands in agony as she watches the younger woman slip off the edge of the chair and onto the floor, Amanda's immense grief clearly making it too difficult for her to remain upright.

Olivia is so overwhelmed by the events that have led up to this point, unsure if she is saying sorry for the emotional pain that Amanda has had to endure throughout the entirety of this case, or for having to break the horrific news that the bullet from Amanda's gun had been the one to kill Esther Labott in the final showdown with the family. Perhaps it is her perceived failure to be there for the younger woman in the way that she needs, Olivia pausing in her quick, terse steps and standing there in silence as the weight of the case that has hit her friend and subordinate so hard threatens to have her sinking to the ground right next to Amanda in a fit of her own despair.

She is swept up in a tidal wave of intense memories and emotions as she recalls Elliot's swift departure from the Special Victims Unit following the shooting he had been involved in, and briefly wonders if Amanda will end up going the same route; the other woman never to return to the precinct again, and Olivia's deepening friendship with her instantly obliterated and erased like it hadn't even existed in the first place.

The extreme worry for Amanda's well-being and the all-encompassing love she feels for the blonde detective that burns ever brighter with each passing day but is a closely guarded secret, edges out the dread that Olivia has for her possible exit from their squad. The ability to give the comfort that usually comes so naturally to her in these types of situations seems to have deserted her in this moment as she helplessly observes Amanda's demeanor; the small woman now curled into a ball on the floor with her forehead resting against the tiles like she has totally given up.

Olivia knows that she has to break out of this immobile state she has lapsed into and provide the compassion and care that Amanda so desperately needs right now, resolving to put her own whirling thoughts and emotions to the side for the time being. Her legs unlock themselves from their paralyzed position and her feet dislodge from the floor as she makes her way around the desk again and crouches back down in front of the shattered figure of her friend.

"Amanda..." Olivia's voice is rough and barely audible as she speaks the younger woman's name, words failing her as she struggles to come up with something, anything at all, to try and assuage this incredible pain.

Her hands hover uncertainly in the air before closing around Amanda's shoulders and pulling slightly, the gesture meant to urge her to get up from the ground but wanting nothing more than to yank the blonde right into her lap and hold her. Olivia is quite distressed at both the enormous longing to provide this type of physical comfort and the desire to escape from the office and search out a quiet place where she can get herself together and be alone in reflection.

Amanda solves this dilemma for her as Olivia unexpectedly finds a golden head propped up on her thigh after the detective suddenly slumps over, the other woman's tears soaking into her pants and gut-wrenching sobs continuing to emit from parted lips. She places a hesitant palm on soft strands of hair and gently begins stroking her fingers through the sleek tresses, the sheer depth of emotion she feels for her co-worker alarming and terrifying in its intensity.

"You're going to be okay," Olivia murmurs in a hushed tone, unsure if she actually believes her own words and praying that there will eventually be some truth to what she is saying.

"What have I done?" she hears Amanda choke out around a prolonged whimper, a slender hand grasping onto her knee and squeezing it with a strength that belies her weakened posture and shuddering limbs. "What the hell have I done?"

"It wasn't your fault-"

"Oh, really? Whose fault was it, then?" Amanda's swift reply interrupts the rest of Olivia's admittedly empty assurance, the other woman turning over in her lap so those wide blue eyes are practically blazing a hole right through her.

"It wasn't intentional-"

"That doesn't matter," Amanda cuts in again, Olivia's hand stilling in her tender motions and resting gingerly on her detective's forehead, feeling the slick perspiration gathered there. "Esther is gone and her death is a direct result of my actions."

Olivia feels her throat closing up as she watches the twin trail of tears streaking wet pathways down Amanda's flushed cheeks, rubbing her thumb in soothing circles over the worry lines on her skin. She had already been very concerned about how personally Amanda was taking this case and has made sure to keep closer tabs on her than usual, but now she is beyond frightened for the younger woman's state of mind as Amanda seems to have descended into complete hopelessness in the span of only a few minutes.

"Amanda, I want you to listen to me," Olivia mutters fiercely into her co-worker's ear as she bends over her prone body. "You're going to be okay. You're going to get through this. I'll be here for you every step of the way, and so will Fin and Carisi. You are not alone in this, I promise you that."

"I'm always alone," Amanda whispers in a tone so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "Just like Esther was. It's possible to be alone when you're surrounded by people, did you know that, Liv? And this isn't about me, anyway. It's about a young woman who needlessly lost her life and those kids who were starved and tortured."

Olivia frowns at Amanda's somewhat cryptic comment but before she can ask what the detective had meant by always being alone, they are interrupted by a knock on the door and Carisi's voice calling out for them. Her frown deepens when Amanda abruptly pulls away from her like she has been burned, the other woman sitting upright with her legs curled into her chest, arms wrapped around her shins and chin resting on her knees as she stares into the distance with a blank gaze.

Olivia caresses a hand over her quivering back before getting to her feet with the intention of telling Carisi to give them a few more minutes alone, but Amanda is slowly standing up beside her, smoothing her hands over her wrinkled clothing and wiping the tears from her cheeks. Olivia can sense the usual shields going up and sees a guarded expression falling into place across her face, Amanda blinking like someone coming out of a trance, and she knows that for now at least, this conversation is done.

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Later that day, Olivia finds herself standing outside Amanda's apartment door, shifting nervously from foot to foot while her hand hovers in the air, fingers gripping onto a key and poised to insert it into the lock. Several months ago, each of them had given the other a key to their place in case of an emergency, and while Olivia is unsure if this situation qualifies as a true emergency, she has felt a certain pressing need to be there; a gnawing sensation in her gut that has been telling her to come check on Amanda.

The younger woman has not answered her phone or returned any texts since leaving the precinct, no matter how many times Olivia has called or messaged her, and while the possibility exists that Amanda is just taking some time alone to try and come to terms with what has happened, she needs to see for herself that her detective is indeed okay and not engaging in any kind of self-destructive behavior.

After knocking repeatedly so Amanda is not startled by her sudden presence in the apartment if she is actually at home and not drowning her sorrows at some nearby bar or pacing outside smoking a pack of cigarettes, Olivia slides the key into the lock and listens to the soft click. She eases the door open slowly, stepping inside and calling Amanda's name, tilting her head as she waits for an answer and breathing a quick sigh of relief when she hears the shower running in the bathroom.

Suddenly feeling as if she is invading her friend's privacy and thinking that perhaps her worries have been unfounded and Amanda is merely trying to relax and unwind with a hot shower before going to bed, Olivia turns on her heel with the intention of leaving before the other woman realizes she is there.

"Liv? What are you doing here?"

She stops dead in her tracks at the sound of Amanda's confused voice, heart rate instantly skyrocketing when she whirls around to see the blonde standing there in the nude, a small towel held up in front of her body to cover her breasts and stomach. The towel hangs down to the very tops of her thighs, grazing the smooth skin there and not leaving much to the imagination, its short length threatening to expose everything if Amanda so much as moves the slightest amount in any direction.

Long golden hair is plastered tightly to her head, droplets of water rolling down the pale complexion of her face and the toned muscles of her bare arms and legs standing out in the dim lighting of the apartment. Olivia tears her gaze away from the detective's gorgeous form, one that she has discreetly admired many times in the past although never in such a natural state, her eyes traveling upwards to lock onto Amanda's curious blue orbs.

She can see the tiny red lines in those eyes that she loves so much, the skin around them swollen and puckered as Amanda has quite clearly been crying in the shower, and Olivia wonders if the drops of water on her cheeks are actually tears. She tries to push down the disconcerting arousal that is thrumming just beneath the surface while at the same time flooded with another wave of worry at the vulnerable appearance of the small woman in front of her, not wanting Amanda to think she is abusing the privilege of having her own key by just showing up whenever she pleases.

"What are you doing here?" the younger woman repeats softly, drenched hair hanging in a sopping wet curtain over one shoulder as she cants her head to the side, no condemnation apparent in her tone; just a weary exhaustion and deep sadness that is evident there.

"I came over to check on you," Olivia explains gently, wanting to take Amanda into her arms and soothe away her pain but careful not to overstep her boundaries anymore than she already has. "I was concerned because you weren't answering your phone or messages."

"So you figured you would come over here to make sure I haven't relapsed with my gambling addiction or I'm not drinking myself into oblivion? Or maybe you wanted to make sure I don't eat my gun." Amanda's voice is dry and somewhat exasperated, a chill running down Olivia's spine at the offhand yet ominous suggestions of the blonde harming herself in any way.

"Amanda-"

"I turned off my phone, Liv, that's all." The younger woman holds up a hand as if to ward off her lieutenant's response to what has just been said, the towel slipping incrementally in the process and exposing the upper part of her chest. "I just needed some time to myself."

Olivia averts her gaze as Amanda readjusts the towel, the desire and worry she has for her friend warring so intensely inside that it is almost enough to take her breath away. "Well, maybe you've had enough time to yourself," she offers quietly, remembering Amanda's heartbreaking words in her office earlier that day. "You said that you're always alone, so maybe it's better for you to spend some time with me. Or with Fin and Carisi..."

Olivia's voice trails off as she adds her colleagues' names onto the end of that sentence as an afterthought, not wanting to give herself away and reveal her true feeling for the other woman; certainly not at a time like this when Amanda is so broken and defeated. She watches the wary expression on Amanda's face smooth out somewhat as the blonde takes a cautious step toward her, although she is unable to get an accurate read on what exactly her co-worker is thinking and feeling at the moment.

"I don't want to spend time with Fin and Carisi," Amanda says softly, another drop of liquid rolling slowly over one cheek, and Olivia wonders again if the wetness is from shower water or tears. "I know they're concerned about me, but I don't want to talk to anyone tonight."

"Okay, I'm sorry," she replies gently, feeling a wave of guilt at interrupting Amanda's private time and knowing that she herself would want some time alone in this particular situation. "I shouldn't have just barged in here the way I did. I can leave."

"Well, I suppose I can make an exception for you, though, Liv," Amanda concedes as a small smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. "You're welcome to stay for a little while, if you want to."

"Only if you're sure," Olivia whispers in relief, smiling tentatively back at the other woman and trying to get her conflicting emotions under control.

"I'm sure," Amanda answers as her gaze visibly darkens, the vulnerability swiftly replaced by a seductive look as if a switch has just been flipped, Olivia's throat going dry when the detective turns around to walk into her bedroom and reveals the taut muscles of her bare backside.

"Um, Amanda..." She feels completely out of her element now, her thoughts in utter turmoil as she watches the younger woman throw a sensual look over her shoulder, one eyebrow arching suggestively. "I think you should put something on."

"Well, seeing as this is my home and you're an uninvited guest, I think I should be free to walk around in whatever state I choose, Liv. But that's exactly what I was about to do, anyway," Amanda responds with a hollow chuckle. "I'm just going to find a pair of pajamas to wear since I'll be staying in tonight." There is a brief pause, a knowing tone in Amanda's voice when she speaks again. "Besides, I didn't think you'd mind a little show. I can see the way you're looking at me, you know. I'm not blind."

"Amanda." Olivia frowns deeply at this reply, her worry and arousal intertwined so tightly together that they seemed to have merged into one raging emotion, along with the knowledge that she hasn't been nearly as subtle with her feelings as she had hoped. "I came over here to comfort you and keep you company, and I'm sorry if you've misinterpreted anything I've said or done. I didn't mean to be inappropriate or make you feel uncomfortable."

"There are lots of different ways to comfort someone, Liv." Amanda's tone is low and sultry, Olivia overcome with shock when the other woman shrugs casually and then suddenly lets the towel drop to the floor. "And you said you didn't want me to be alone."

"This isn't...this isn't what I mean." Olivia struggles to find her voice, torn between sprinting over and picking up the discarded towel to cover Amanda back up with it, and pinning the smaller figure to the wall and kissing her senseless.

"Isn't it? Are you sure about that?" Amanda is staring straight at her with a distinct note of challenge in those big blue eyes, one hand braced on her hip and a leg cocked to the side, giving Olivia a full view of her stunning body. "The way you've been looking at me since you got here...you've been looking at me like that for a long time."

"Amanda, I know you're hurting so badly right now, honey," Olivia says very softly, trying to keep her voice from trembling when she speaks, thrown for a colossal loop by this unexpected behavior and Amanda's acknowledgment of what she has been trying to keep secret. "But can't you see that what you're doing here is exactly the same as all of the other things you've just listed? Gambling, drinking, harming yourself...this is just another distraction; a way of keeping those thoughts of Esther out of your head."

"So what's wrong with distracting myself?" Amanda shoots back, an edge of impatient anger in her tone. "She's all I can think about, and I'd rather do something else instead. I don't want her in my head anymore. And how can you compare having sex with any of those other things? There's nothing wrong with sex, Olivia. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel a sliver of hope when your entire life has gone to hell; when you've done something that can never be forgiven or forgotten."

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it," Olivia replies gently, taking a step toward Amanda when she sees that confident expression falter for a moment, a sheen of tears noticeable in the younger woman's eyes. "And I'll admit that the offer is more than a little tempting, but this isn't the right time, Amanda. You need to talk about what happened. You need to start dealing with it and work on moving forward in a healthy way. I know everything seems so out of control right now and you feel like-"

"I just want to feel something other than emptiness, Liv." Amanda's voice is strangled when she interrupts, a choked sob emitting from her lips as she crosses her arms over her breasts like she has rescinded her invitation and is trying to hide. "I know that I deserve to live with this for the rest of my life, but I just want to forget for a little while...about what I did to Esther and what was done to me..."

"What do you mean, honey?" Olivia is striding forward to pick up the fallen towel from the ground when it becomes obvious that Amanda is about to fall apart again, wrapping it around the slender body herself when the other woman makes no move to take it from her and feeling the small detective sink against her chest. "What happened to you? You've taken this case very personally since the very beginning and I want to know why."

Amanda doesn't respond for a moment, her ragged breaths breaking the silence that has fallen between them as Olivia rubs a hand in soothing circles around the blonde's quivering back, her heart breaking when Amanda finally speaks in a shaking voice.

"Because I know what it's like to be trapped inside a house with a father who hurts you."