Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama
/
The feeling that everything was going to shit started when Kagura wouldn't let Shinpachi follow her to space.
The feeling that everything had already gone to shit, and was going to permanently stay that way, started when Gin-san figuratively tore down the burnt and battered Yorozuya signboard.
At that point, there were more than a few thoughts and panicked cries flailing around in his poor overworked brain, but the most prominent one, in big bold print, was, what the hell am I going to do?
He could so clearly see in his mind, two paths, one for Kagura, one for Gin-san, them walking away, then him, standing stock-still, hands outstretched for people forever far, far beyond his reach.
Why am I always the one left behind?
Why don't I ever have a grand purpose to take me away?
Gin-san smiled when Shinpachi numbly said that he wanted to restore Edo, restore his father's dojo, finally, but the only thing he really felt up to doing at the moment was screaming.
Not for the first time, he wished he could be like Gin-san and unite people whether they wanted it or not; he wished he could be needed enough to make a difference.
But he was only Shinpachi. Only a pair of glasses. He couldn't grab onto anything no matter how desperately he tried.
So he remained silent. Kagura did too, but since she was leaving, it wouldn't have made a difference anyhow if she'd protested in her characteristic fierce manner.
Gin-san folded his arms behind his head, eyes half lidded, maybe even melancholy in the dusk. With an air of finality, he let out a long sigh.
And the matter of their death was settled just like that.
\
The morning after Gin-san vanished by himself in the night, Shinpachi saw Kagura off to the Terminal. They hugged once, an awkward strange thing, then Kagura smacked him on the shoulder and boarded her father's ship without looking back even once. Shinpachi stood there, neck aching, watching her fly into the infinite everything, long after Kagura's ship had become indistinguishable, until the sun slid down the sky, until security tossed him out.
Walking back to the rubble that was now the Yorozuya, he thought, again, what the hell am I going to do?
What the hell can I do?
The answer rose unbidden to his lips.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
\
There had been a time once when Shinpachi took a meaningless punch to the face and fell amongst the garbage, gazing at the crows circling above as he dreamt sincerely of death.
The Shinpachi of the past had heard a sound, then. The worst song ever, was what it was. He'd turned his head to the left and there in front of the alley, standing in the light, was a purple haired girl with a beat up guitar and a barren tin can.
It was so bad. Screeching and cacophonies and discordants and mistaken keys. It was so honest to god terrible he could laugh, jeer, and it would be fitting. But he did not.
Instead he crawled. He couldn't find the motivation to stand or to walk, so he crawled, scrabbling in the dirt without any fight left to care. And it was the hardest thing he'd ever done in his short, empty life, that fifteen foot crawl of his. He'd just wanted to give up. Collapse on the ground and lay there until he rotted. Everything just felt so pointless. Why did he struggle? Life inherently had no meaning, and he didn't have a purpose in existing. It was just a cycle of nothing in return for nothing. Why persevere on such an endeavor?
But the girl was still singing. There were a few people leaning against the wall chucking slurs and profanities at her, her and her stupid song and her bright, threadbare kimono. They were all yelling, wolf whistling, telling her to shut up shut up shut up shut up. But still, she sang. So Shinpachi went onward too and finally arrived at her feet, trying to want to live enough to at least listen to the end of her song.
What would be at the end? he'd wondered, and he'd never found out, because she never stopped.
Then he'd sobbed these big ugly tears, just as bad as her music, and he hadn't a clue of why. Just clapped dumbly, over and over, saltwater turning his crusty pants to mud.
She was shining, he'd realized. Shining, despite the utter bullshit she sang, despite the shithole that shit on them both.
He must've gone home at some time after so many hours, but he didn't remember it, or the conclusion of the girl's solo stage. All Shinpachi did remember was that that girl had risen like the sun and taken him in her wake.
In hindsight, Terakado Tsuu was the very first samurai he'd chosen to follow.
\
If Shinpachi had to put into words what he hated most about his current situation, it'd be that he realized that he hadn't gotten anywhere at all. The net progress he'd made over the years remained at a flat, solid zero, and he too, remained festering in the filth.
Maybe he'd even regressed. Maybe all along he believed that he was moving forward, that Otsuu-chan, Gin-san, had inspired some sort of change in him, but in truth he'd been deceiving himself all along. He didn't know he had the potential to be such a liar.
Or say that he had been honest in his observations. Say that he had been lead into the light and shown the better path.
Either way, pessimistic or optimistic, Shinpachi had received another punch of the same nature and returned to the trash where he originated. He didn't think there'd be any chances of him being able to gather enough strength to leave again on his own.
Shinpachi curled up on his futon in the dojo, breathing carefully measured breaths and pressing his hands over his ears as he mumbled 'chome chome' on repeat, a prayer, probably a curse, really.
Chome chome.
Chome chome.
Later, as tears washed down his face, Tae spread a blanket over his prone body.
Chome chome.
Chome chome.
Chome chome.
Chome chome.
\
However, though he was inclined to fully embrace pessimism as his new religion, it seemed that Gin-san and Kagura could never truly leave his side, because in the end, he still crawled out from within the futon.
/
A/N: Hi it's me...! I'm back after a long time of not being super into Gintama.
I feel like in the months that have passed, I've learnt that I should never promise anything, especially updates. So I won't. But I will say that I've fallen in love with this story again, and that I have a few ideas in store.
As you can probably tell, my writing style has changed quite a bit, and quite a lot of time has been skipped since the last chapter. Mainly it's because I really wanted to write this? and didn't want to spend so much time in intermission. The story will continue from here, and now, there is a plot! haha.
Additionally, planned pairings have changed. Okikagu is no more. Well. It's still okikagu...? Except not. Well. It's like okikagu 2.0...? You'll see. And I now know who Shinpachi will be paired with. It's my new otp, actually.
Reviews are appreciated and thanks for reading!