Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is the property of Hiromu Arakawa. In addition, any views expressed in this story concerning certain types of fan fictions and/or any specific story do not necessarily reflect my views/opinions on said subjects.

Agent 31011 was enjoying a perfectly splendid day, thank you very much. In fact, the only disturbance in his quiet little room had been a fly that buzzed around for a while before settling in a corner. Other than that, he had enjoyed blissful peace and quiet. He should have known that it wouldn't last.

SLAM.

The door was violently thrown open.

CRASH.

A booted foot slammed into the nearest end table, sending vase to shatter on the floor.

Agent 31011 shot up in his seat, eyes frantically locked onto the screen in front of him, and spotted the person responsible for his mini heart attack.

"I swear that if I have to endure one more of those – ABOMINATIONS – then I will KILL something!" Edward Elric stood just inside the doorway, hands clenched at his sides, breathing heavily and with a wild look in his eyes. "They need to be burned, Alphonse. BURNED."

"Brother," Alphonse said, while fluttering around Ed like a worried butterfly, "I understand, but–"

"Burned with FIRE."

"Yes I know, but–"

"And ACID."

"But you need to consider–"

"BURNED."

…

"Broth–"

"BUUUUUUUURNED!"

Alphonse allowed a small sighing noise to escape his armour as his brother continued to glare. A blonde head poked into the room.

"The Colonel wishes for me to inform you that if you require his services then you will have to wait until a later date," Riza informed them calmly. "He says that he cannot be in the same proximity as…" she paused with an odd look on her face. "The red one. He also refused to say your name, Edward. I don't what happened in that fic you were in but I assume it wasn't very good."

Ed's face turned an odd sort of color, as if he couldn't decide if he should turn red or go pale, and the result was an equally strange and rather sickly looking complexion. He opened his mouth, but closed it again, seemingly not able to force any sound out.

"Yes, that would be accurate," he finally managed.

"As I was trying to say," Alphonse said, "you can't burn something that doesn't have a physical form. I suppose you could burn the author if you somehow found a way to tear the fabric of reality and escape this story, but that's probably not a good idea."

"Maybe you should talk about something else to get your mind off of it," Riza suggested. "At least until the hour passes and your memory is blurred."

Ed fell back onto one of the couches. "Okay…what then?"

"Umm…" Al shifted, armour rattling. "Well, what do you think of that new crime fic?"

"What do you mean what do I think of it?!" Ed asked in annoyance. "It's not even about me! It's about Havoc! And the new one that does have me in it is about my 'son' who apparently joins a gang or something! How does that idea even happen?"

Riza cracked a smile. "I don't know Ed, if your son was anything like you then I don't it's that much of stretch."

"Fics in the crime category are usually weird," Al said with a sigh. "And there aren't even that many that are officially categorized there."

"I won't disagree with that," Riza said. "One person even turned me into a robot…which was by far the weirdest thing I have ever experienced."

"It's either weird stuff like that or someone being murdered or kidnapped," Ed said. "There are so many people who have either made me a suspect in a murder case, or made me into a criminal! Seriously, why would you want to do that?!"

"Probably because you act like one," Al suggested calmly.

"Al!" Ed cried in protest. "I'm with the military!"

"Which makes it even more surprising how often you disregard the law," Riza added.

"Think of it this way," Al offered. "Would you rather be in a story where you were the one kidnapped or murdered, or one where you're a criminal?"

"It doesn't matter," Ed groaned. "I get kidnapped and murdered anyway. One person even wrote a story that is literally nothing but me being kidnapped. Repeatedly. In increasingly horrible ways!"

"But you always get away in the end!" Al said cheerfully. "And besides, none of those kidnappings were that bad. At least, not as bad as some of the other ones."

"And that one AU crime fic didn't have you as a criminal, suspect, or victim," Riza reminded Ed. "The one where you worked with the police. You were even married to Winry. That one wasn't too bad, right?"

"I did so get kidnapped in that one!" Ed protested. "It just wasn't the main point of the story!" At Riza's glare, Ed shrunk backwards. "Uh – I mean – yeah, I guess it could've been worse…"

Riza nodded in satisfaction.

"Really, Ed," Alphonse said with a sigh. "You complain about all of the stories that you're in. Surely there are some that you enjoy? Like…the humor ones! Those are pretty fun, right?"

"Fun?" Ed glared at his brother. "Most of what author's consider 'funny' usually ends up being incredibly uncomfortable and inconvenient situations for me! One of those authors literally had me barking like a dog at the end! You call that fun?"

"It was only once!" Al protested. "Besides…that one was pretty funny."

Ed glared harder.

The door to the lounge swung open. Jean Havoc was the first to enter, followed by Maes Hughes, who was practically dragging a reluctant Roy Mustang.

"Yo!" Hughes called. "What are we talking about?"

"Humor fics," Al answered as the three sat down. "Brother thinks that they're all horrible."

"He thinks that everything is horrible," Havoc responded.

"I'm sitting right here you know," Ed growled.

Mustang smirked. "Really? I didn't see –"

Ed cut him off mid-word. "Don't. Start."

"C'mon Ed," Hughes interrupted, turning the conversation from potentially dangerous ground, "humor fics are great!"

Riza nodded. "There are plenty of humorous stories that don't revolve around your suffering," she said. "Like the one where you chased the Colonel around headquarters the entire time."

"Or the one where you were babysitting Elicia," Al added.

"I guess, some of them can be enjoyable," Ed admitted. "Like the one we're in now."

Agent 31011 choked on his coffee, momentarily losing sight of the screens in front of him. When he had recovered enough to stare, horrified, at the scene displayed on his monitors, he saw that Edward Elric had been tackled by every person in the room, all of which were yelling at him.

"What the HECK ED?"

"Did you learn NOTHING from last time? NOTHING at all –"

"Fullmetal, if I have to tell you one more time, I swear –"

"It's like you're trying to get it revoked –"

"You can't just go around doing that you absolute IDIOT –"

"Alright, alright, I get it!" Ed's muffled voice came from the floor. "Jeez, you're all acting like I set off a bomb or something…seriously, it's not like I said –"

LINE BREAK

Agent 31011 breathed a sigh of relief. As soon as Edward had opened his mouth for the second time, he knew that the kid would say something even more out of line. To save the situation, he had made a flying leap towards the Line Break button, barely reaching it in time. Now that that was over, he feebly typed out an emergency message: 'Send help. They are crazy. Extreme force may be required. Or just duct tape.'

A/N–Man, haven't updated this in forever…sorry guys, I've been really busy and haven't had much free time. Anyway I decided maybe I was being mean to all the characters by having them go through literally everything, so I added a little detail where they don't actually remember ALL the details of everything they're in…because I'm nice. Also that would literally drive someone crazy.