Too Many Times

Suits / Donna x Harvey (darvey)

Chapter 13 – Where is my Claire de Lune?

Ooh, stop

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

Where is my mind

Where is my mind

Way out in the water

See it swimmin'

Where is My Mind? – The Pixies

Claire de lune

The Suite bergamasque – Claude Debussy

TMT

TMT

He slammed the door behind him and went to the bank of small sinks. He gripped its edge with both hands and stared at his reddened face. He was breathing heavily, preventing growls and a potential scream from escaping his mouth.

He heard her barge into the room seconds later. "What the fuck was that, Harvey?"

"Nothing…" He was trying his best to delay the inevitable. He knew that old trick couldn't work.

"Mark has been nothing but polite to you and you just had to act like a complete jackass!" She yanked his hand away from the sink. He let her do it and turned to her.

"Talk to me, Harvey…" She'd gone from yelling to speaking softly to him. She didn't want to yell at him, she wanted answers. As if stuck in that never-ending cycle, she needed him to open up. Once again as if one too many times was a rule they lived by.

He dipped his head, unable to look at her. "You never told me you'd seen him again."

"Your reaction is exactly why I didn't tell you." Her exasperated tone sent him to the edge.

"We're supposed to tell each other everything!" Bloodshot eyes met her angered ones.

"We can't Harvey!" She shouted before composing herself. "It's amazing that you want to. But you can't. That's not how life goes and you know it. There are things that you're always going to keep away from me… and I from you."

"Were you with him after you left me?" He swallowed the thought of them screwing deep in his throat.

"No." He was walking in her direction. She knew he was testing her resolve. This was him interrogating; this was her in her secretary skin all over again. Power of attorney v. power of utter adoration; she knew this day would come but she never thought it would be so soon. Timing had never been their strongest suit anyway.

"Were you with him before?" She took a step back. Maybe two. At some point she hit one of the bathroom doors.

"No…"

"There's a 'but' in there. Come clean, Donna." His face was inches from hers.

"I kissed him."

"When?"

"Three months after you left." She gulped, feeling his breath on her mouth.

"And how did it make you feel?"

"I wanted you to watch. I wanted you jealous of me and him. I wanted you to fight for me. But you weren't there!"

"Who broke the kiss?" He didn't want to ask but at least, it could make it seem like he'd been there at that moment. Rewriting history in his head was the one thing that made him feel close to her.

"I did."

"Why?"

"Because he was the only other man I'd ever felt anything for." He was breathing heavily. Mouth so close to hers. "And I felt nothing."

She saw him angle his head a certain way. He was going to kiss her and she would be able to take away the fear of betrayal he felt. They would even out each other's fears, insecurities and expiate their sins. "You were it for me. You were the only one."

"Would you have come for me had he not been there?" But that kiss never came.

"I don't know, Harvey. I don't know. Like I don't know if I can have children anymore. You're asking the impossible from me."

A single tear fell on her dress, staining the beauty of a morning they'd spent together. The teardrop burned through her dress and into her heart as the other half of their matching blue looks disappeared from view.

Donna got out of the bathroom and stumbled into Samantha who was going in.

"Donna, are you okay? You look all shaken up," the blond let out.

"You know what? You're right, I'm not." She stood looking at her, unabashedly.

"Is this because of Harvey? I saw that he was back… and darting away from here."

"My boyfriend's a mess and I realize that it's not even his fault. Maybe some of it is but that's the problem." She paused to catch her breath. "What just happened is all my fault because… I've always tried to show him that I wanted more instead of fucking telling him. Do you want your relationships to work, Samantha?"

"Sure… But one would be enough at this point to be honest," she confessed, calm and wide-eyed.

"You deserve what you want and if you don't try to get it, what's the point? I lost that purpose and for a long time I put it in a box and hid it away from view. Don't lie, don't hide anything. Just tell him."

Samantha had no time to reply for the redhead was gone.

Harvey walked all the way from the office to Gramercy Park. He needed to clear his head and be reminded of the air trees filtered naturally. He sat on a bench and took his iPhone out. No missed calls. Not that he expected any.

There were no animals here. Gramercy was never a dog-friendly zone. Still he'd read in the paper that residents were furious about growing piles of dog poop. Dogs and their owners would trespass at night, avoid detection and mark their territory. Had the deer been back in Lexington? Would it, ever? Would she ever be able to forgive him for taking so long to understand? This wasn't how today was supposed to go. They were happy this morning. They were still happy, weren't they? There was nothing here at all for him. At least not without her and she'd chosen him over her ex.

He'd been a jerk to Mark and he knew it. Faith, trust, whatever it was that he'd tried to rack his brain around was a foolish ideal. He couldn't change who he was. He was a possessive asshole. That was all he'd ever been to her. But he couldn't bear the thought of her turning her head someday and not seeing him. If he was her Hell and she his Heaven, couldn't they coexist together? Couldn't they re-enact another thirteen years and hopefully more as they were and as they should have been? Trespass on their inner sorrows; exist through words that told instead of leaving things unsaid? His line of questioning hadn't been the right one. But he had no other way of telling her how he felt. People don't change themselves. They're changed by others around them. A law book couldn't open his eyes but she had. She had since day one.

He read some of the texts Robert had sent him after he left, trying not to read Donna's for the umpteenth time. One of them caught his attention; he'd read it a lot too.

I know you're part of the reason why this firm is one of the top firms in NY, Harvey. I just wanted to say that you've only been gone a week and executives and associates alike feel your absence. I never had any intention of putting another name on the wall without your consent. I understand your reasons for leaving. I just hope it doesn't make you forget who you are. You've served the law to the best of your ability. You're a dignified lawyer and I hope you'll find your way back to Specter Zane Litt somehow. Rob.

He'd served the law to the best of his ability. To the best of one's ability. The words lingered, swirling on his tongue. The closer opened a web page and typed in: Section II Admission NYSB. This was from the moral character section. The one he'd read before making the decision to leave.

I do solemnly swear that I will support the Constitution of the United States, and the New York Constitution, and that I will faithfully discharge the duties of the office of attorney and counselor at law of the Supreme Court of the State of New York according to the best of my ability.

Faithfully. Not truthfully. She'd been right. He hired a fraud in the hopes of doing good; the grey area was just it: grey. The end had always justified the means. And what better way to serve the most important piece of writing there was to bind a people together than by committing to it, keeping it close and professing its love for it?

To the best of my Ability. Not abilities. No one had asked him to be an all-powerful creature. This was the most human notion he'd ever read. The end had to justify the means. Mike had shown him a better end. And he'd fucked everything up on more than one occasion but he'd stayed faithful to her, having committed to her, kept her close and professed his love for her. At some point his ability had become disenchanted from fear of an intangible unknown. Her feelings for him.

How the Constitution felt about him, he would never know; it was simply there to protect him and the rest of America's citizens. Maybe this had been her job for him all along too and he just needed to have faith that this was the purest form of love.

Donna was in her office – she hadn't got any work done. She felt trapped in that old skin of hers. She hadn't felt her purpose as a woman so achingly disdainful before. She'd thought about having children before. Thirteen years, was this – children – one other reason why he'd brought it up so many times? Her increased sex drive, the disorder she felt in her belly were symptoms she was too familiar with; her body telling her she had little time to act if she wanted to repopulate Earth. Society couldn't pressure her into it. So, how come he could? Simple: because he was the only one she wanted children with. She was rewinding again; her brain had come up with a shadow play of their argument in the bathroom; no shades, no colors, a bunch of direction-less feelings and the strain twisting at her guts.

She should have told him about Mark but she didn't think he would have been ready to hear it. A kiss was more than a blow job and she knew it. A kiss meant she'd been trying to feel something deeper. But his jealousy had never taken such a turn of events. He knew she'd been with other men and that she had kissed them, just like he had. But situations had changed and a form of commitment had been made on his end when he left.

She checked her phone. He hadn't called or texted her. She settled on the texts she'd sent him. One in particular captured the misconceptions in her head so bitterly.

Harvey… Are you in love with me? What have I done wrong?

Blameless or not, she couldn't help feeling as if she had it all wrong. Telling him to let go of a relationship – forget it had ever happened. He wasn't ready but would he ever be? He would always get jealous and she would always feel like she couldn't be enough. She hadn't given them time to evolve differently. Calling her in the morning twelve years ago to offer her a job was just his inability to open up about what he really wanted: to build a family. And she'd made sure it didn't involve her in this particular way. The firm had become it instead.

She browsed the web on her smartphone for a landline number. She called the one person she thought could give her answers; she was determined to ball her out too.

"Hello?"

"Lily, this is Donna."

"Oh, Donna it's so nice of you to call. What can I do for you?"

"Harvey's back." Donna gripped the phone tightly in her hand. Her tone was crystal clear – a warning that this conversation wouldn't go smoothly.

"Donna, you sound a little off. Is everything alright?" Her words sounded perfectly frail to the redhead.

"Why did you have to make him so loyal and yet so afraid?" She practically shouted.

"Donna, I don't understand, I –"

Donna interrupted her. "You should understand, Lily! You made him like this. You asked him to remain loyal to you when you cheated on Gordon. And now he can't even trust me when I tell him I won't ever do that to him."

"I'm sorry, Donna. I thought… I thought he would…"

"Well, you thought wrong. This is not healthy for him and it sure as hell isn't healthy for me."

Lily began to cry. "Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I feel like the worst mother in this entire freaking world? And I paid for it. I didn't see my son for years. He never got married, he never had children, he…"

Donna could tell the woman had everything else stuck in her throat. She was wrong. This wasn't the way.

"You're not a bad mother, Lily."

"I am, Donna. And you've been the one to suffer from it the most."

"I'm sorry for coming at you like this, it's just that we had another fight and I'm second guessing everything and I just don't think I can anymore."

"You have every right to call me on my bullshit." This was so something Harvey would say.

"No, I don't. I'm a grown ass woman who can't fight her own battles."

"You can, you have and you will again, Donna. My son is in love with you–"

Donna cut her off again. "He says he wants to have kids."

She could hear Lily gulp on the other. "And you don't?"

"I'm over forty; this might never happen for me." Donna felt another series of tears flooding out of her.

"You know this is the 21st century, Donna? Anything could happen. Some women have children at 50 now."

"But I'm not even sure that would make him happy. I believe he's saying that because he knows I'm getting too old and that in that twisted mind of his, this is something he's deprived me of somehow."

"I don't think it is, Donna."

"Nothing else tells me that it isn't."

"When Harvey was about 8, he asked me if he could have a sister for Christmas. I told him that it wasn't an option and that having kids was the biggest life decision. You know what he said?" Donna held her breath. "He said that he would have kids someday and that he'd ask his wife every Christmas until she said yes."

Donna laughed, "But this isn't Christmas and I'm not his wife."

"8, Donna. He was 8. He isn't married. He doesn't have children and he's just asked you."

"Commitment," Donna sighed.

"No matter the outcome."

"Thank you, Lily."

"No, thank you Donna. For everything."

Night had fallen and she was here. She'd put a record on. The only classical music vinyl he had in his collection. He'd bought it after she'd suggested it. It was a collection of some of the most famous music pieces. From Chopin, Beethoven and Rachmaninoff to Debussy. He had jazz but she had this. She looked magnificent, seated on the couch, facing his record collection. He'd changed the position of the armchair some four months ago, seeking companionship through music. He wondered how much time she'd spent in his office when he was away. Maybe none or maybe too much.

The pale hue of red, white and blue, with for sole contrast the amber liquid in her hand, looked almighty; she who had unequivocally partnered with him was more than a sight to behold. She was his everything, his protector and his soul. His office – the place he hadn't been to all day – couldn't have felt more welcoming.

He put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey."

"Hey." She didn't move.

"I like this piece." It was one of Chopin's Nocturnes. E-flat major, Op. 9 - No.2.

"I've always known this was your jam too."

"I like the next one even more." She was about to say something but he continued instead. "I know why you stopped playing… I just don't understand why you didn't take it up again."

"I wanted to. But every time I see a piano, I think of the one that's been taken away from me," she admitted, resting her hand against his. "It was the piano I learned to play with. Music can be performed everywhere and it's probably what matters to most people. But not to me."

"Your own music was in that piano." The memory of it – feelings embodied in one object, in one place like a can opener, a hometown, an office, even in a person.

"There are some things you just can't let go of even if it prevents you from discovering more or something else."

"You made me like Theater and Classical music," he shrugged.

"You don't like it, Harvey. You tolerate it at best," she huffed.

"True." He licked his lips. "But it's a part of you I can't ignore. This is part of your past."

He was stroking her shoulder more. She kissed his hand.

"I'm sorry about Mark," he let out.

"I know you are."

"I can't promise you that I won't get jealous. But I'll never do anything stupid like that again."

"I got jealous when I thought there was more between you and Sophie, remember?"

"True," he chuckled.

"But it wasn't a kiss which is why I understand where you're coming from."

"You do?" He gulped. He didn't want forgiveness and yet, it felt good. The feeling stirred something in him as if she'd discovered something he wasn't even aware of.

"You were protecting yourself, shutting yourself off. This is your defense mechanism. And I don't think you should change it. I don't want you to. Because I know you're able to tell me about it now."

"Then I promise you this," he paused, squatting down behind her frame and the armchair. "I will never, you hear me, never ask you to change anything about who you are. But if you or I change, I will make it my life's purpose to do right by you."

"Harvey…" she began, standing up slowly as if moving to the tempo floating in the air, she set the half-emptied drink on the table. She moved around the piece of furniture and noticed he was hiding something behind his back but said nothing of it.

"If Hell's coming with me and no matter how much I want you to stay, I will never ask you to follow."

"Harvey, you still don't get it, do you? I'm never letting you leave me again. And I certainly won't ever leave your side." She brought a hand to his face and stroked his five – close to – 8 o'clock shadow. "Interesting…"

"Yeah, I know, I used to shave during the day... before." Claude Debussy's Claire de Lune began playing.

"I like it," she smiled. "Now, are you gonna tell me what's behind your back?" she raised a brow.

He narrowed his eyes and said: "Can I get a kiss first?"

She pretended to hesitate for a moment but he ended her playful behavior with the softest kiss.

He lingered a little before pulling away, leaving her flushed. "You're not gonna ask me to marry you, are you?"

He chuckled: "Not today. But I will."

She heaved a sigh of relief and had her breath stuck in her throat when she saw the stuffed animal in his hands.

"Is that a…" She gasped.

"Yes Dear, it's a deer or a moose, I'm not even sure now."

"It's a deer, Harvey."

"So you really want this?"

"I just want you. I don't care about the rest. But this is my way of saying that hadn't I been too stubborn or too weak to tell you the truth, I would have –"

"Asked me at Christmas?" She raised a brow trying to suppress a smile.

"How do you–" His eyes went wide.

"Know about that? Am I not Donna anymore?" She looked around as if questioning an invisible crowd. "Or maybe am I not capable of venting about you to your mother?"

He laughed and pulled her into a tight embrace, swaying, dancing to the music even. "So you ran to Mommy Dearest."

"As far as I'm concerned, she's still your mother," Donna replied, dryly.

"And she'll always be." He paused, staring into her wooded-colored eyes, before adding, "And you… God… you make feel like everything's going to be fine. I know everything through you."

"And what is it exactly that you know?"

"I don't know anything Donna; I just have faith in you and me."

Donna pulled him into a kiss because there was nothing else left to say. Tongues met in a soft kiss. "Thanks for the deer." She murmured into his mouth.

"You're wel…come." He intensified the kiss, taking possession of her, enjoying the sour taste of scotch. Tasting her and tasting him as if nothing could come in between.

"Harvey?"

"Donna?"

"We can't do this here, can we?"

He broke the kiss, feeling very tight in his pants suddenly. Her head fell on his shoulder. He chuckled. "Can't say I haven't thought of it before…"

"We don't want anyone catching us in the act, though?"

"No, we don't." He kissed her forehead.

"Yeah, let's go home. Now." The lust in her eyes, the way she grabbed the stuffed animal and commanded him told him this wasn't the end of a record but the beginning of another soundtrack.

She took his hand and led him out of the office.

"You know I asked Robert to give us our weekends off. I still have Little League practice on the weekends, you know."

Voices faded in the not-so-busy corridor.

"And you had to go behind my back again…"

"I thought you'd be … to go… to Lexington…"

"Fine. But I'm…re..corating … place…"

The music stopped, words vanished and time set in.

-The End.

TMT

TMT

Thank you all for this incredible ride. I hope you liked this final chapter. I hope I made you feel all sorts of emotions. It was a great month. Can't believe I wrote all of that, lol. Should I go back to living my life now? I don't even know what's out there anymore! Are autonomous cars a thing now?

Do you mind if I ask you guys for reviews one last time? ^^

I have no words to describe my person/beta who helped me through all of this. AlternateShadesofBlue you truly are an inspiration and I couldn't have hoped for a better friend. Now onto your fic. Business as usual. ;) Go read Intersextion guys cause this one isn't over yet. More awesomeness coming your way!

And I'll finish this by using Harvey's words to Donna : "I have faith in them". ;) I can't wait for season 8 and hope to see some of my shit unfold on screen. Let's keep hoping guys. And if it doesn't happen, well, we'll always have fanfictions.

AND EVEN IF YOU COME ACROSS THIS FIC, LET'S SAY, 10 YEARS FROM NOW. PLEASE LEAVE ME A REVIEW!