A/N: I couldn't ignore the voices in my head, so I ended up writing this 'thing'. I'm not sure if it's a one-shot, or if I will continue, I guess a lot depends on what happens to McHart on the show and how loud those voices will be in my head. Also I need to point out that writing 'drugged' Diane is a challenge I'm not even sure I'm up for, so if she sounds too sane I apologize.

Any mistakes are mine.

Not Tonight

She'd left the office without anyone noticing it, since she wasn't in the mood for a celebration. She preferred the silence and darkness of her own apartment. When she reached for the phone in her purse, she expected to see another missed call from him, but the screen was blank. She felt relieved.

She'd already made a decision earlier, and there was no need for another one. She was aware that they had to talk, but it was too early. Her wounds were still deep and her bed still probably smelled from another man. She needed space and time to figure this mess out.

She didn't want to leave him in the dark too long, maybe for a few more days. She hoped he would understand, that he would understand her even without words.

She would call him eventually, but not tonight.

o-o-o

The next days ran by rather fast. She buried herself in work, her everyday distraction. From time to time there was a missed call from Kurt on her device. That's how she knew he still tried, that he still cared. It crossed her mind that if she waited for too long, he might eventually give up. That wasn't what she wanted though. She was just looking for the right moment to call him back.

One night she was scrolling through her missed calls from the day to make sure she returned them all, when the realization hit her hard. There was no missed call from him since the previous day. Maybe it was selfish to wait on his calls without giving anything in return, but she felt she had the right to torture him like that. What if he'd had enough?

She doubled checked the date of all his calls, then placed the phone on the dining room table with the screen down. She wasn't prepared to talk to him yet, and she immediately felt the butterflies in her stomach. If she had to call him tonight, the first thing she needed was a drink, so she poured herself a glass of Scotch.

Once the liquid began to burn her throat she already felt slightly braver. At least she was certain he was hundreds of miles away, so she didn't have to worry about him showing up anytime soon. She could probably handle a phone call, no matter what the outcome.

She finished the drink before reaching for the phone again, but she kept staring at his name for a while. She knew what was at stake based on the outcome of this call. She was still wearing his wedding ring. This man was her husband for better or worse. And lately the worse had definitely overcome the better.

And she couldn't only blame him, because she'd been just as guilty. The only difference was that he had no idea about the things she'd done. She may have seemed to have the higher ground during their fight the other day, but what she had done was probably worse. Which was all the more reason for her to finally hear him out.

When she tapped his name on the screen and began to listen to the even tune, she felt her heart beating faster. She began to circle around the table to calm her nerves, waiting for him to pick it up. He took his time and it even crossed her mind what if he would ignore her call just like she'd ignored his.

The ringing was suddenly over, and she wasn't sure if it was because it reached the limit, or someone answered the call, because she'd been too lost in her thoughts. She had to look at the screen, where she saw the counter, that's how she realized he'd picked up.

"Kurt?" she called his name, rather desperately, because the other end of the line was completely silent.

It was already late in L.A. too, so he was most likely in his hotel room, getting ready for bed or doing some work. She didn't want her call to inconvenience him.

"I'm here." The familiar voice finally broke the silence and she sighed with relief, even though that was all he said.

He wasn't making it easy for her, and she couldn't even blame him after all this time. She needed to show some encouragement.

"You called," she stated the obvious. She hadn't counted, but he must have called at least a dozen times.

"I did."

Under different circumstances his short answer would probably have made her chuckle. Oh, he of few words. But now wasn't the time for any teasing. They were in for a serious conversation.

"I just needed some time," she explained what she hoped he had guessed.

"I figured. You still angry?" His cautious question reminded her of their ugly fight, not that she had been able to forget.

"Not right now," she reassured him. She wished to keep her calm, but this conversation was also completely unpredictable.

"Good. You should have let me explain," he insisted. And maybe he was right, but she couldn't take it all back now.

"There shouldn't be anything to explain," she pointed out. What she'd found out from that woman still hurt.

"Okay. So what do you want me to do then?" He sounded completely clueless, but ready for anything.

"I appreciate what you've been doing for the firm, but it's probably for the best if you don't testify for us in the future," she explained the only possible solution.

"I wasn't doing it for the firm," he protested calmly, stressing the word just like she had.

"I know and I honestly appreciate it."

She had been aware that he'd been doing it all for her, even before the opposition pointed it out. And she selfishly accepted his help, without giving too much in return. Because his wish, to move in together, she was unable to fulfill.

"I barely see you, at least it gave me a reason to be around," he admitted, and she couldn't deny that it was her fault.

"I liked it too," she confessed, giving him mixed signals once again.

She did like having him around, why couldn't she agree to moving in with him? She wasn't sure of the answer. He'd given her space and time, yet they were farther from each other now than a few months ago.

"Will you ever be able to truly forgive me?" He was the one giving the answer to her unvoiced question. And his words echoed in her head for a while before she was able to say something.

"I was working on it."

She wanted to try and forgive him for his infidelity. It had been a process, with its ups and downs. Sometimes she'd missed him so much that she hated herself for keeping him away. But the information she'd just learnt in court proved to her that she'd been smart not to rush into any decision.

"And now you aren't anymore?" He sounded disappointed, sad even.

"I don't know. Why is she still part of your life?" She didn't want to talk about the other woman, but the topic was the elephant in the room they couldn't ignore.

"She isn't," he insisted, yet she was still unable to believe him.

"That's not what she said," she reminded him of the facts she'd been confronted with in the courtroom.

"Then she lied," he declared, and it sounded odd from his mouth. Not long ago he'd been so protective of the same person he just called a liar.

"And yet you still refused to discredit her," she recalled with a sigh. She didn't want to pick a fight. She liked that they were both able to stay calm during this discussion.

"Diane, I don't care about what the jury thinks of me, all I care about is what you think." His confession brought a barely visible smile on her face. He may have been a man of few words, but the ones he used usually spoke for a thousand others.

"Then you wouldn't want to peek inside my head at this moment," she hit a slightly joky tone, rather unintentionally.

"Is it that bad?" He inquired, without sounding too worried.

"Well, a few days ago it was a lot worse," she admitted the truth.

She'd had time to think, to weigh in the facts and her feelings for him. It was inacceptable to her that he still had any contact with the woman he'd cheated on her with. That was pretty much a deal breaker to her, and he should have known that.

"So there is still hope?"

His question was perfectly justified, yet, she didn't want to answer it right now. It was something they needed to discuss in person. But she was glad they finally talked and that they did it without arguing. Although a lot was most likely left unsaid.

"We should meet, when you get back to Chicago," she offered, taking comfort at the fact that she would have time to prepare for that occasion.

"How do you know I'm not in Chicago?" He couldn't just let it slide, taking her off guard.

"I'd rather not answer that," she tried to avert the question. She wasn't proud of her method, but she'd only done it to protect herself. And she was grateful to Marissa for helping her out.

"Okay, sure, I'll give you a call when I'm back," he accepted her silence rather easily. It didn't make a difference anyway.

"And I promise to take it, or call you back if I can't." It was the least she could say after ignoring his call for days. She was relieved he hadn't taken offence though.

"I'd appreciate that," he reassured her softly.

A few seconds of silence followed while she contemplated what else to say. She could have told him so many things, that included more than one confession.

"Kurt,…" she called his name, then paused, unsure what to say.

'I'm afraid if I tell you, you won't want to see me again.' 'I don't think that's possible.' She remembered their conversation so clearly. The tables may have turned since then, but some day, she would have to tell him her truth.

"Yes?" he asked encouragingly, he didn't rush to end the conversation either.

But she felt they had talked more than enough, for now. It was the start of a road, even though neither of them knew where it led. Eventually they would find out.

"Good night." She closed the conversation and hung up immediately.

She was afraid to hear his reply and didn't want anything to ruin their slight progress. She wasn't angry with him anymore, she was still hurt though, which was probably worse. She had no idea what he could do to change that. But one thing was certain, he wouldn't have been able to hurt her again, if she wasn't still in love with him.

The feeling rooted so deep inside her that nothing had been able to destroy it. And it hurt her enormously that he wasn't necessarily worthy of her love. Not to mention she wasn't worthy of his either. She'd also cheated on him, and he didn't even suspect anything. She was unable to predict how he would react once he found out. Whether they would be able to emerge from this mess they had created was definitely a question for the future.

She only realized now that her hand, not the one holding the phone, was shaking. She was too focused on the conversation to notice the symptoms of her own body. Maybe she needed another drink, or something stronger that would make her not care. So naturally she reached for the small phial hiding on the bottom of her purse.

She would deal with the reality again some other time.