Chapter 20: Mixed Signals

Allison was mostly quiet as Holly escorted her to the mess hall. She was a talker, and quite frank about whatever she talked about. If the Deputy hadn't been feeling so guilty over what she had done last night, she would've enjoyed Holly's company a lot more, ex-lover of John's or not.

As Holly shit talked the Seed brothers or talked about random things while they ate breakfast, Allie reflected over last night. She couldn't be sure how much of it was the Bliss and how much of it was her own free will, giving into Joseph like that. After all, the drug removed a person's inhibitions and moralities for their personal desires and wishes.

Allie was pissed at Joseph, wanting more than anything to kick in his church doors and confront him. But she knew there was an attraction to him of some kind. Her decision, no longer scrupled because of the Bliss, wasn't out of her attraction to him though. It was for what he promised, her yearning to stop all this non-violently and keep all those she held dear to her safe and sound. She didn't realize how bad she wanted that until she arrived here, battered, soul-crushed, mentally and emotionally scarred.

So last night was just as much her fault as it was Joseph's, in a way. She had let herself be vulnerable around him, and his predatory instincts had immediately picked up on it. Allison knew her heartache stemmed mostly from the fact that she felt like she had betrayed John by getting laid behind his back, even if it had been the Bliss that made her give in to Joseph's advances. That in itself told her she was in this too deep to be able to run like Holly pleaded.

"You gotta stop beating yourself up, sweetie," Holly whispered, pushing her empty plate away and giving Allie a concerned look. "You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't betray any of your friends or your brother. Joseph just knows how to play the game. He knew exactly how you felt and what you feared and took advantage, warped it to his benefit. It's what he does. It's what they all do."

The Deputy couldn't possibly tell John's ex-lover that she only felt this way because she regretted betraying John in a sense. But then she questioned herself. Exactly what was there to betray? Her and John were certainly not together, and their relationship had only been torture, banter, mind games, and sex. But the pain told her there was more to it than that…much more.

"I need to speak with Joseph. I need to confront him," Allison said, and even she couldn't tell what carried more in her voice - anger or distress.

Holly's eyes shifted around the noisy mess hall while Peggies ate and visited, wary of who could be listening in. She leaned forward, whispering, "And exactly what do you hope to accomplish? He's more protected than the President. But that's not even half the concern. Joseph will just turn it back on you, sweet talk you 'til he has you where he wants. Best to avoid him for now. Don't give him any more chances to pull you into his web."

Allie sighed, pushing her half-eaten plate to the center of the table, hardly having an appetite. Holly was right. Confronting Joseph wouldn't solve anything right now. Holly nodded towards the door, getting to her feet. The Deputy followed her outside, and the women took a short walk around the compound to get some fresh air. Allie's aching, spinning head needed it. This Bliss withdrawal was the worst one yet. She really didn't feel like herself.

She couldn't quite describe it, but it was like she could feel other people around her, but without actually touching them. The mixing emotions, faint yet itching at the back of her mind, caused her head to hurt and her thoughts to tickle. Allie felt that Holly was concerned...nervous. The Peggies around her were sickeningly happy and curious.

They stopped to rest at a sitting area near the lake. They enjoyed the shade under the redwoods with a grand view of the serene morning lake. The wind stirred graceful ripples on the water, making the lake sparkle under the sun.

Peggies walked by and hung out around them, busying themselves with chores or visiting. The Deputy plopped her butt on one side of the picnic table while Holly sat opposite of her.

Allie groaned, rubbing her face. "Why the hell me? Why? I hate myself…I hate my life."

Holly considered her words. "It's certainly something to do with Joseph's visions. He's treating you like he did the past Faiths…except he's doing so a lot more intimately. They were tools to him, but you're an asset. One he wants to invest in…long-term, if you get my meaning. It would solidify his power to have "The Lamb" be converted to Eden's Gate. I saw something in his notes about him calling you 'The Judge'."

"Judge?" Allie echoed, immediately thinking of Jacob's fearsome wolves. "Judge of what?"

"Not sure. His journalism makes no sense to anyone but him."

"This is nothing how I had hoped my life would turn out."

Holly laughed. "Is it ever? For anyone?"

Her laugh was contagious, sprouting a small smile from the troubled Deputy. "Good point."

"Just take my advice and get out of here. You still have a chance to turn your life around, turn Aiden's life around. He's a sweet kid and you both deserve it."

Allie nodded, heartstrings tugging painfully at the mention of her brother's name. She hoped Aiden was alright wherever he was and hoped she would be reunited with him soon.

"He really is." Allie frowned. "Holly…can I ask you something personal? What happened…between you and John?" she dared to ask.

Holly flinched, the first time Allie noticed the older woman react in such a way. "To be honest, it ain't pretty."

Allie swallowed a shaky breath. "Please. I just want to know."

Holly sighed, rapping her knuckles on the table as she looked around the compound, grimacing. "I'll give ya the G-Rated, condensed version. John thought I betrayed him, betrayed the Project…and in a way, I did. Helped a friend escape here, but instead of leaving Hope County like she promised, she joined the Resistance and nearly shot off Joseph's head. She and her little group ended up being burned alive once Jacob caught them. This wasn't long after a debacle with some other old friends of mine that escaped John's clutches. Anyways, John was about to kill me for what I did, probably spill my guts all over that torture chamber of his. But oh did Joseph walk in just in time. The Seeds all argued over what to do with me. Jacob sided with John, felt it was better to get rid of me. And Faith," Holly snorted. "Bitch never did like me, wanted to turn me into an Angel. But Joseph always has the final say. Always the merciful one, and I guess he still saw some use in me. And here I am…being useful to him."

Holly shook her head, sniffling, wiping one eye. "Joseph knows how good of an informant I am. And really, that's the only reason John used me for. So now I serve Joseph. And well…he's a lot less of an asshole, honestly."

Her weak laugh wasn't returned by Allison. "I'm so sorry, Holly."

"For what? It's not your fault the Seeds are the way they are. And it's easy to see why people are so drawn to them. Joseph's beliefs are admirable, and he speaks the truth. He can be a good man, an empathetic and merciful one, underneath his own demons. He's saved many people. Even John, besides his good looks, has some redeeming qualities, he's just too damaged to fix. And at least Jacob acknowledges he's a monster and has destroyed himself to protect his brothers and this Project. A fucked-up kind of honorable, I guess."

"So, I'm not the only one who sees John's redeeming qualities."

Holly's lips thinned. "Course I see 'em. I've been with the asshole. But sweetie, he ain't worth it. He can't be fixed. Trust me. All he'll do is bleed you dry emotionally. He'll get you killed a lot faster than Joseph will, intentional or not. And at least Joseph keeps his word."

Allison faintly nodded, chin propped on her hand as she stared somberly out onto the lake. A flock of ducks flew to the sky from the water near one of the small islands towards the Whitetail Mountains. She wished she could fly away with them. Her mind whirled with worries and guilt, seeking for plans or solutions on how to fix this. All of this. Even just a starting point at this rate.

"Whatever you do, do not let John sense your troubles. He will bleed it out of you, literally. And if you don't want him to find out about you and Joseph, you best become a good actress. 'Cause he's proficient at reading people."

Allison saw the older woman balk in her peripheral vision, fingers gripping the edge of the picnic table like a vice, a pained hiss escaping her lips. "Like fucking now."

The Deputy's heart skipped, and she followed the woman's gaze. The surrounding Peggies hanging around had become unusually quiet, some leaving with tails tucked between their legs. Allie looked in every which direction until she spotted him.

She instinctively wanted to stand, as though to greet him or run to him, but she stopped herself, gaping at him in surprise, heart twisting, mouth falling open. John was walking their direction, coming from Joseph's church. His icy blue eyes flashed upon recognizing them, and there was a little stumble as he seemingly hesitated. There was an odd flex to his hands, a faint tick to his jaw that was barely spotted from the distance.

"Oh boy. He's piiiiiiiiissed," Holly whispered, though a tiny smile twitched on her lips. "This oughta be good. Don't worry. He won't make a scene here. He'll grin and bear it."

Peggies moved out of the Baptist's way as he tromped over to the two women. Some gave meek greetings and warily kept their distance.

"You know what the difference between Joseph and John is?" Holly asked, side-glancing the Deputy. "Joseph wants to be loved...idolized. But John? He just wants to be feared."

A few weeks ago, and Allie would've agreed with her. But the Black Horse showed her different, opened up some sort of foreknowledge with John she wasn't expecting, as though the last potent Bliss high had unlocked some sort of sixth sense. She felt the famine inside him, the pain, anger, and his need for love.

"Holly," John greeted with a forced smile, voice chipper with barely contained animosity. "What are you doing with the Deputy?"

His eyes met Allie's and it felt like a bolt of lightning struck her, stimulating every single nerve and cell and she fidgeted in her seat, wanting to both throw her arms around him and pop him in the face at the same time. His voice, despite its bitterness towards Holly, relieved her in some way.

"Allison and I were getting to know each other. I think we're well on our way to becoming besties."

Allie tore her gaze from John's to look at Holly, nervous from the older woman's open sarcasm as she boldly challenged the Herald right out here in the open. Holly winked at Allie and then glared up at John. If looks could kill, Holly would've turned to ash. John clenched his jaw, flexed his fists, taking a deep breath to contain his aggravation and smiled.

"Is that so? Of course you would seek her out to fill her pretty head full of lies, play with her precious heart, and out of spite to me. You never cease to disappoint me, Holly."

Holly put a hand to her chest, feigning shock. "I am offended. I know my place, Brother John. I would've left her well enough alone, except The Father himself asked me to take care of her. I had to oblige. We all must serve his wishes, after all. Even you."

The Baptist flinched. His narrowed eyes burned a path towards the church for a moment before returning to the two women, a dark chuckle breaking from his lips. "Did he now?"

"Go ask him yourself if you don't believe me. If you have the balls."

John's jaw ticked, but he kept calm, smirking darkly. "I know my brother's intentions on having you take care of Allison, but what are your intentions, Holly? Besides just telling her lies, of course? Are you going to help her escape here as well? Try and kill one of us? End up dead like the rest of your friends you tried to help? And to think that you are responsible for their deaths just because you were too much of a coward to escape yourself. Want my advice, Holly? Keep yourself useful to Joseph, or you'll end up like Selena. You remember her, right? The Father had no choice but to test her devotion."

The name sounded familiar and the Deputy recalled some notes she found in the Henbane Region, recalled some stories the locals told her. Selena had been the Faith before Rachel Jessop. The Father made her jump to her death atop his statue after she had tried to defect from the cult.

Holly swallowed, obviously upset over the words, and Allie wondered if she had known Selena on a personal level.

"See Allie? Can't be fixed," she said without breaking her glare with John.

"Don't listen to her, sweetheart; she's just jealous."

"Oh, get over yourself, John."

"Geez, both of you just shut the hell up before my head starts exploding," Allie grumbled, standing. She rubbed her forehead with a sigh, collecting herself. Giving Holly a grateful smile, she held her hand out. Holly stood and took the Deputy's hand and gave it one short, strong shake. Allie placed her other hand over Holly's and held her there for a moment. "Thank you, Holly...for everything."

"You're welcome, Allie. I wish you the best. Please...take care." Holly dipped her head, a silent message in her eyes that Allie read right away. A silent plea to listen to her and escape Hope County.

She turned to John, his eyes resentful on Holly as his ex-lover slowly backed away and left, her eyes looking back in worry on Allie. Allison got John's attention by slipping her hands around his neck, looking up at him expectantly from underneath her lashes.

His indignant look at Holly quickly disappeared, his lips quirking as his blue eyes took her in. The tension almost left him, and she felt his more playful side take over, which relieved Allie. She craved it more than anything right now.

"You missed me that much?" he purred, reaching up and pulling one of her hands down to his chest, right over the SLOTH tattoo.

Allie decided to be honest, despite what trouble it could get her into. Trouble is my middle name after all…

"Surprised?"

"Not at all. Jacob and Joseph aren't as fun as I am, are they?" John teased. He then frowned, reaching up and stroking a strand of hair from her face, taking in her stitches. His hands cupped her face as he looked her over. "Honestly buttercup, if you wanted stitches you could've just come back to me instead of crashing a vehicle."

Allie laughed weakly, squeezing his silky shirt in her fingers. "I'll remember that next time."

"Are you ready to depart, Allie? I can get you fixed up back at the ranch."

Hearing that she was going to his ranch instead of his bunker made her heart soar and she put her head to his chest, so ready to get off this island. "Yes...please. Get me out of here. I'm so done with this place."

When she pulled away and looked at him she could tell that he hung on her words in a particular way, as though he logged them away, one eye almost squinting as he licked his lips. He nodded, one hand curling around her shoulders to guide her towards the gate of Joseph's compound.

As expected, Allie spotted the convoy waiting for them at the gates. A Chosen opened the back door to a truck for her and John, but before she could climb in, John's arm snaked around her upper arm and pulled her back. He put himself in between her and the vehicle, a slight smirk hidden in his well-groomed beard.

John leaned in closer, as though to kiss her but he didn't, and whispered by her ear. "Am I going to have to handcuff you, little troublemaker?"

Despite the stressful last few days she had, Allison couldn't help but smile at his words, mostly his tone that seemed to stimulate her nerves in just the right way. "Depends. Do you want me to be bad?"

John hummed. "Now that's a trick question if I've ever heard one." The impish grin on his face widened and her heart almost stopped at the conspiratorial wink he gave her.

It did all sorts of funny things to her insides, but it was sadly short lived. Strange enough, Allie felt a sudden shift in his emotions before even seeing it in his face, felt some sort of weird ripple of tension crash around them like waves. She blinked hard, thinking she saw a phantom butterfly in her vision, and pain splintered behind her eyes. Mostly, she felt anger coming from John; also something else, something she couldn't quite put her finger on as she struggled with whatever this phenomenon was. It was like their minds overlapped for a split second, giving her insight into his emotional landscape. Talk about 'rough terrain'...

The Baptist stepped away, his tattooed hands splayed as though he was making a show of something. His eyes were behind Allison, but he turned to the Chosen holding the door open and nodded. Allie watched him leave without saying another word, without even looking at her, going around the truck to get in the front. As the Chosen gestured for her to get in with a short order, Allie looked behind her.

Outside the church, she saw Joseph watching, expression unreadable. She caught his eyes and glared daggers at him. His gaze softened on her, where she had pictured to be met with conceit, he gave her only a contrite, apologetic exchange before turning and retreating back into his haven.

Allie climbed into the truck, ignoring the slam of the vehicle door near her face. She was so ready to get away from here. But the way John glared ahead, arms crossed, hand stroking his beard in deep, aggrieved thoughts, she knew she was in for trouble.

It had taken Aiden nearly two days, but he had managed to track down the Whitetail Militia's movements between listening in on Jacob's Hunters and the Whitetail soldiers themselves via radio. He had also pieced together their coded messages along different routes and outposts. Aiden wasn't strong or brave, but he was smart. Well, book smart anyway...

He wondered if Jacob realized he was missing yet. He avoided his fellow Project members around the Whitetail Mountains, driving around in a beat up car with only a couple of guns and a backpack of supplies as he searched for a way to approach the Whitetail Militia without getting his head shot off. It had been a chore just to leave the Veterans' Center, but Aiden hoped his fabricated story of being called to Holland Valley wouldn't raise any suspicion for awhile. At least until Jacob figured out he was gone and asked.

Aiden couldn't believe his luck when he stumbled upon a small group of Whitetail soldiers that evening. His patience and intellect had paid off. If he had been correct on their coded messages, then Eli Palmer would be there among them.

He had ditched his old Project wardrobe, dressed in dark slacks and an old gray shirt, hoping that would deter them from shooting on sight. With a deep breath, he holstered his gun and walked down the driveway in their line of sight at the gas station with hands up.

There were a couple of whistles and bird calls, another coded message he was sure, as more Whitetails turned and had their sights on him. Before he knew it, someone came up behind him and struck him in the head and then behind the knee, making him stumble and fall to the ground.

An arrow was inches from his nose as he recovered, and a hooded figure stood over him with a scarred scowl. "You mighty suspicious walkin' up here like that. You ain't no fuckin' Resistance member. Who the fuck are you?"

"Wait, please, don't!" Aiden gasped. "I-I mean no harm! I'm l-looking for Eli!"

The huntress sneered at him. "That so? What for? Start talkin' or your brains will be all over the fuckin' pavement."

"I'm Allison's brother! P-Please! It's urgent! I need help!"

Aiden didn't move off the ground, hands where she could see them, panicking as she jabbed the drawn arrow even closer into his face.

The huntress's eyes flashed and she looked even angrier then. "Her brother that's in the cult?! Oh, you're a dead motherfucker now, I-"

"Jess, enough."

The strong voice echoed across the parking lot of the gas station. Aiden looked, and the group of Whitetail soldiers parted to let another man through. Aiden immediately recognized him from Jacob's wanted posters. It was Eli Palmer. He was followed by a teenager of Native American descent.

Jess lowered her bow and stepped back. She returned the arrow to her quiver just as Eli nodded to a couple of soldiers. Before Aiden could say anything, they pulled him to his feet and searched him. They took his backpack and guns and shoved him forward when they were done.

"He's clean," one Whitetail said.

Eli looked him over, hand on his holstered handgun, a bow slung over his shoulder. "You really Allie's brother? Aiden, right?"

"Y-Yes, sir."

"How'd you find us?"

Aiden glanced around, nervous of all the glares his way. "I-I decoded your messages and figured out your routes."

The kid by Eli pushed forward, pointing a hard finger Aiden's way. "Bullshit! There's no way!" He then rounded on Eli. "This has to be a setup by Jacob! We gotta get the hell out of here!"

"N-No! Jacob doesn't even know I'm gone...yet," Aiden explained. "I came searching for you on my own! To help my sister!"

"Help her?" Eli asked. "You sayin' you ditched the Project?"

Aiden eagerly nodded. "Y-Yes. I-I found out that the Seeds all have their own plans for her. The Father is gonna t-turn her into another Faith, I think. I can't let them do that!"

"And you expect us to believe that shit?" Jess snapped, arms folded.

"He's brainwashed. He'll turn on us in no time flat! Just another one of Jacob's tricks!" the teenager hissed.

"Wheaty," Eli said, voice gentle but firm. "Enough."

Aiden took a desperate step towards Eli. The Whitetail soldiers drew their weapons and aimed straight on him, making him freeze. He slowly shook his head.

"No! I'm not brainwashed! I never went through any trials!"

"Bull fucking shit. Everyone under Jacob either undergoes his trials or dies," Jess barked.

Eli wouldn't say a word as Aiden defended himself, seemingly gauging his behavior, his words, how he spoke.

"O-Orders by The Father! No trials! I came from Faith's congregation! Please, you have to believe me! I'm just trying to help my sister get away from them."

"Why would Joseph care about you doing trials?" Wheaty demanded, but was stopped short when Eli's arm came up to quiet him.

"Because he's Allie's brother. He's useful alive, not dead," Eli stated. He studied Aiden for a long moment before sighing. "I believe ya, kid."

"You do?" Aiden grunted in surprise.

"You do?!" Jess and Wheaty echoed.

"We've had legitimate defectors before," Eli said, but shrugged. "Although, they usually seek out Jerome, as I'm not one to trust so easily. But you...how you tracked us down despite the risks, exposing yourself when we could easily kill you dead. Or fed to Jacob's wolves if he finds out...all to try and save your sister. You got guts, kid. Shows how important this is to you."

Aiden frowned, not expecting the strange compliment. "T-Thanks, but I'm not brave. Just...desperate."

Eli half-smiled. "You'd be surprised what we can find within ourselves when it's needed. We can help you get Allie back. She is a dear friend, after all. She's helped this Resistance at the risk of her own life many times."

"Thank you...so much."

Eli sighed, slowly stepping over to Aiden with a small frown, rubbing his bushy beard. "Don't thank me just yet."

"Huh?"

"You still have prove yourself to them."

Aiden opened his mouth to question Eli, but a blunt object struck him in the back of his skull. The world spun and Aiden lost consciousness before he hit the pavement.

Allison's first twenty-four hours back at John's ranch wasn't what she had hoped. Sure, she got her own room with a queen-sized bed, silk sheets, and fluffy pillows, but she had a round the clock guard watching her every move and she was fettered with her own freaking service handcuffs. Insulting...

The Deputy was cuffed in the front, which allowed her reasonable mobility. She had free range of the house and most of the yard. The Peggie guard watching her was an older woman named Donna. She was polite but firm which made Allie feel like a high schooler in detention.

The first time Allie was brought here she had only seen one other female Peggie that she hadn't seen since, but the rest were all men, so Donna stood out from the rest.

The Baptist was absent for the most part. "Busy" was the only response she could get from Donna each time she asked where he was. John Seed and 'busy' could mean a lot of things, most of them bad.

The few times Allie did see John, he was curt with her, as though she had done something to rub him the wrong way. He was even more short with his followers, snapping orders and dishing out threats. Strange enough, Allie could sense conflicting feelings coming from him, the same sixth sense from the last Bliss buzz coming alive again. Still trying to get the hang of it herself, Allie was able to sense that John was in a double bind somehow. Despite his bad mood towards her, she could feel quite the opposite being refrained. It was quite frustrating and confusing.

Talk about mixed signals. Typical man!

Bored out of her mind, the Deputy sat on a bar stool at the bar in the kitchen while Donna and a couple of male Peggies cooked her dinner. She sensed mostly nervousness from the men, but Donna with her cool air of authority kept them in line. She smacked one of them upside the head after he did a piss poor job of cutting up something.

Another Peggie entered into the kitchen with fresh dish towels. Allie instantly remembered him. It was the young guy that guarded the door when she awoke in John's bedroom last time she was here. They both had startled each other and she got a gun in her face for the trouble. In a way, he reminded her of her brother, although he wasn't quite as tall and lanky.

Allie perked up when he came nearby to put the dish towels away. "Hey! I remember you!"

The kid nearly tossed the dish towels in the air as he spun around, eyes as big as plates. Seeing her, he blushed and quickly dipped back to doing his job.

"So, what's your name?" Allie asked, trying to make conversation.

He turned back to her, looking eager for conversation but shy as can be. He stuttered a little bit, eyes staying down at the floor. "I'm Cody."

"Nice to meet you, Cody. I'm Allison." She smiled at him. "Now that we're properly introduced, no guns in the face required this time, right?" she joked.

He weakly laughed, eyes still down. "Yes, of course. Nice to meet you, Deputy."

Allie sighed. "Dude, my eyes are up here." Weird that she had to use that sentence in a different context than normally...

He sheepishly pulled his eyes up to hers. Donna glared at them, but Allie ignored her.

"You from Holland Valley, Cody? What do you like to do for fun around here in Peggieland?"

The poor kid was dying for casual conversation. She could feel his glee and fear bouncing off each other. It gave her a headache.

Cody opened his mouth to speak, but the swinging doors to the fancy kitchen opened. John entered, untying an expensive looking tie and leaving it hanging around his neck. Allie took a double look. The Baptist was wearing a sleek dark suit, looking like he had just stepped out of a courtroom winning a case. And the Deputy, enamored, was also confused because where in the hell could he have gone that required such a suit in the middle of holy war stricken Hope County?

Cody vanished so fast, it was like he evaporated into thin air. John glared at his sheepish looking followers and their obvious mess in the kitchen.

"I'll take it from here. Donna, we'll talk later."

The two male cultists bailed without a word as quickly as possible. Donna calmly nodded. "Yes, Brother John." She left without looking back.

Allie braced for one of John's mood swings after they had gone. She watched him slowly walk around the kitchen, taking in the meal preparation disaster on his countertops. He shook his head with a half roll of his eyes and then strolled over to her, offering her that special, mischievous grin that always made her heart stop short.

"You'll have to forgive them. Good help is hard to come by anymore. But I think I may be able to save dinner."

His hand skimmed her shoulder as he passed by. Allie nearly melted into the chair from the simple touch. She gave him a look, cuffs jingling as she sat them on the granite counter of the bar.

"You can cook?"

"Don't act so surprised," John chuckled. "I should feel offended. I'm a great cook actually. How about some wine?"

"Always," she answered, and when he pulled a bottle of wine from the huge selection on the wall, he brought it over with two glasses. "Isn't that against your beliefs?"

"Not wine," John said, and poured them each a glass.

"Something tells me you drink more than just wine."

"Maybe...maybe not." His tiny, secretive smile almost made her knock over her glass of wine as she picked it up. "Can you cook, Allison?"

Allie half-shrugged, taking a long drink of her wine. "Depends. If catching the kitchen on fire counts as cooking, then yes. I can cook quite well."

"Destructive through and through, aren't we? How about you relax and enjoy your wine while I cook us dinner?"

She hated that he was such an effortless charmer. She smiled like a smitten idiot as he left her side, the whiff of his cologne that she was rewarded with setting off every hormone in her body as he got to work cooking.

Allie mostly just watched him while he cooked, sipping her wine. John gave her a refill as they chatted about this and that while he prepared their meal. Allie's spying on his preparations determined that it had to be a type of goulash that he was cooking. It must have been his fix for whatever the Peggies had done, because she was sure that hadn't been on the menu earlier.

Their conversation was odd. At first, Allie thought John was fishing for information, and really he was, but it wasn't in a scheming way for once. It didn't take her long to get comfortable, and thanks to his charisma, they soon talked like they had known each other forever.

"I'm serious!" she laughed, sipping on her third glass of wine. Dinner was smelling scrumptious now as the Baptist ambled over to her with a grin. A pleasant grin without ulterior motive.

"I would've never guessed by how clumsy you are with your hands at times with anything that isn't a weapon."

The wine was getting to her, making her feel warm and free. She stuck her tongue out at him. "If you had a guitar I'd show you. I play it quite well, thank you."

"Can you sing too?" John asked, towering over her, his scent teasing her senses.

"I can sing. Doesn't mean I should."

Allie went to grab her wine glass, but John's hand beat her to it and he moved it from her reach. "No more wine for you, sweetcheeks. You'll ruin your appetite for dinner."

"Dessert too?" she purred.

A strangled groan rumbled in John's chest, and he almost winced. There were those conflicting emotions she felt from him again; and to think she had mostly felt genuine contentment coming from him until now.

Allison stood, the wine warming her bloodstream. His intense blue eyes looked her over and she was surprised he kept his hands to himself. She grabbed each side of the tie hanging around his neck. She crossed them over and pulled them tight, acting like she would start choking him. The intrigued grin that formed on the Baptist's face was instantly ravenous.

"Careful, Allie. Don't start what you can't finish."

Perhaps he was right to call her out for it, but Allison had a tendency to not listen. She uncrossed the tie from John's neck and instead tugged them towards her, pulling him down to her height where she kissed him.

Her kiss kicked off an emotional avalanche coming from him, threatening to bury her under its weight, and it hit her so hard she was almost sick from the onslaught of feelings channeled through her. She felt lust, but surprisingly enough, also something stronger than lust hidden underneath. Allie just couldn't grasp what it was. Passion maybe? She was overwhelmed by so many other feelings, she hovered on his lips just a moment longer before John gently pushed her away. Fear, uncertainty, confusion, and frustration were what she mostly felt.

Allie braced for him to unleash those feelings on her, but he never did. He took a calming breath and ran a hand through his hair, obviously perturbed.

"I'll make you a plate, alright? Sit."

He turned away and returned his attention to the food. Allie stood there all confused, feeling sick. Her thoughts raced, trying to understand what it was she was feeling from him. Her brain recalled Holly's words as well as Joseph's warnings, and she remembered the black and white horses in her dreams.

These were dangerous words...but she had to get them out.

"John...you don't have to listen to Joseph or live in fear of his judgment. You don't depend on his opinion. You are your own person, never forget that."

The Baptist whirled around, shock quickly turning sour. "What?"

Allie kept her composure. He needed to hear her out, whether he unleashed one of his unpredictable tempers on her or not. "I can feel what you feel...somehow. He said something to you about me, didn't he? It's why you've been acting weird since I got here."

"I do not fear Joseph. He is my brother. I…" John stammered indignantly, having trouble with what he wanted to confess. "I only fear my damnation. You and I are dangling over it by mere threads, Allison. Saving you is my last chance at salvation. I cannot fail, there's just too much on the line for us, for me."

Allison struggled to convince him of the truth, but Joseph controlled and brainwashed John like he did with everyone else, through their hopes and fears. If John and Faith were anything to go by, then Allie was sure Joseph had to have some sort of power over Jacob as well.

"There's no end of the world, John! Joseph is wrong, he just wants to rule over people. He's crazy, dangerous, and manipulative."

"Joseph is not crazy," John growled. "He is always right. You haven't been around long enough to see. This world will burn, Allison. And I cannot wait to see it." He closed his eyes, clenched his fists, dreaming. "I cannot wait to smell the burning flesh of all the non-believers. To hear their screams as they beg for forgiveness. They deserve what's coming to them. This is justice, Allie. Divine justice, meted out in a beautiful, poetic way."

The pain, the sadness, the anger and hatred - they cut her so deep. They were so raw, so undiluted, so agonizing that she couldn't breathe. So this was what John had felt for the world for so many years.

Allie took in a deep, shaky breath, letting his emotions filter through her. Damn whatever Joseph's Bliss did to her! It would be best to drop it now. John wouldn't hear her out. She had to admire his loyalty and devotion to not only his beliefs, but to his family, whether they had him on puppet strings or not. It was one of his redeeming qualities to her. And yet, Joseph was right, she feared; John would never show the same level of loyalty to her.

"Okay," she softly said. Not defeated by any means, but now that she had felt his true feelings for the world, Allie couldn't bring herself to argue with him any longer. She now felt that she needed to help him. The Deputy knew she had to find a way to rip those blinkers of wrath off his mind - blinkers that twisted his tunnel vision of the world into an infernal realm of guilt, expiation and punishment and blinded him to everything good that could be. She wanted nothing more than to alleviate all that pain he kept bottled up inside. Otherwise, one day he might completely lose it, and only Heaven knew what would come to pass then...

The best thing she could do for him would be to actually, truly Atone. It was this realization and acceptance that the Deputy knew she couldn't run away from Hope County like Holly had urged her to do. She could do this. No...she would do this. For him. And also, for herself. Bring rest to her uneasy conscience. Make peace with her past.

Allie finally gave in, despite feeling ambiguous about it. "If it's like that...if it's so important to you...then I will Atone. For the salvation of the both of us. Just tell me how."

John hesitated, looking both surprised and concerned, but they were quickly replaced with relief and something along the lines of gratitude or admiration. He came over to her, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"My sweet, sweet Allison. I'll be with you every step of the way. You will not regret this. But for now, let's eat."

He bent and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.

A/N: Hmmm looks like Allie is getting some strange powers from the Bliss! Wonder where this will take us? And what will happen between her and John in the next chapter? Stay tuned and find out! ;)

Thanks for hanging in there! This chapter was finished sooner than the last, so I'm happy about that! For those still following this story, thank you thank you thank you! I appreciate you more than you know! Much love and thanks to my beta reader and dear friend Ravenlaughter once again!

Broken Haven will be updated next! Have a good week everyone! :D