a/n_ infinity war spoilers, my attempt at trying to convey what emotions tony might feel after the bizzare happenings in infinity war

INFINITY WAR SPOILERS

Disclaimer: If Marvel was mine, Loki would not have died in the first 10 mins

--(A)--

Chapter 1: Peter

The kid wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. He was supposed to be down on Earth, getting out of a yellow school bus, heading towards his home where his Aunt May will welcome him home with open arms and a warm smile.

"...so, if you think about it, it's kinda your fault that I'm here..."

And with the sense of the unstoppable logic and blabbering of the highschool spiderkid, Tony found himself to be at fault that Peter wasn't here as well.

The kid wasn't supposed to be here in the first place, but he was. He was there, and then he was supposedly going back, but he's there again.

Then, he's just gone.

And it scares Tony that that would be the end - that there isn't a way to bring him back.

"And if you died, I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience."

Maybe it is his fault. For so long, the others have told him that it might not have been the wisest decision to recruit a 15-year old child into his team, but he was so caught up in everything with the Sokovia Accords, his parents, and the traces of New York that haunted him every single day for the past six years.

So he built him a new suit, paired with a new AI. Tony brought him into the team and he almost died so many times in that one single fight in the airport. And when that was over, Peter continued to become friendly neighborhood Spiderman.

"I can't be friendly neighborhood Spiderman if there's no neighborhood!"

Peter thought he didn't make any sense, but Tony understood. The kid was brave and so righteous. So much like a hero, and so unlike Tony.

If the fight with Steve had gone differently, Peter wouldn't have been on his side. And maybe then, he'd be safe even until now.

He tried so hard to keep him safe, but the suit wasn't enough. Karen wasn't enough. Right now, there's no sign that Peter had been here except the small, dust-like remains that Tony had been able to gather in a small container. Proof that Tony wasn't enough.

"Tony, I'm sorry."

His voice is echoing in Tony's head. It's whispering, shouting, screaming, and crying all at the same time Apologizing for something that isn't his fault. Apologizing for something that Mr. Stark had done wrong again.

What if Tony had just forced Peter to go back to Earth from the start?

"I don't want to go."

He can feel him, lying on the ground, holding on to him. The kid kept trying to talk and apologize, and all Tony could do was watch.

He can't remember what he told Peter. Were they words of comfort? Were they exchanging apologies? Was he even saying anything at all? Did it help when the kid kept clutching his arm, trying not to lose him, not wanting to go?

Was it enough?

"I just wanted to be like you."

"And I wanted you to be better"

But now Tony just wants him alive.

END.

--(A)--

a/n_ there may be more chapters like his thoughts about Pepper back on earth or Quill or Strange idk depends hope you liked.