He had been afraid.

Deep inside, he knew.

He knew he couldn't have caught up to Rin, told Shiemi what he felt, confessed everything to Shura, or ever even told Shiro he couldn't continue.

Yukio just continued on being jealous, quiet, secretive, and never actually fully speaking his mind. After a while, it just felt as if had begun sinking down into a deep ocean that left him without air to breath or words to speak. He was tired of trying. Tired of trying to reach out, swim out.

Yet he continued on, repeating the same mistake of keeping everything bottled up. He continued on shooting a gun at himself. Never actually physically damaging, but always mentally breaking down. Yukio had restrained himself from ever trying to kill himself because he knew of the deep grief Shiro and Rin would have had.

What if he HAD actually committed suicide? Would have Rin done the same? It always did bug his mind how others would have been affected those around him. Would they be happy? Could their lives been a bit better if he had just ended up not existing? Who knew. He surely didn't.

Like his decision of staying alive, every action like that kept making a difference to the future. Every piano key being pressed down to make a single sound, whether it be as soundless as a feather dancing in the wind or as loud as the roar of thunder echoing through the sky, it made a difference to the song played. Those decisions and changes led him towards where he was now. Big notes were played and small ones piled up to make a song of desperation that played in the back of his mind.

Everything has played out in some way, be it be for the better or worse, but he isn't satisfied.

There was a feeling he was looking for as a child,a feeling he looked for, but has never actually been found. It was supposed to be the feeling of... well.. he didn't remember. Maybe it was some sort of satisfaction or happiness he couldn't reach. Whatever the feeling was, he forgot it. After a while, he just started to assume that he would know once he felt it.

Maybe he hasn't felt it because he hasn't made the right decisions yet. Maybe, just maybe, that's why the same water, tune, and feelings have been repeating for such a long time. That moment of realization he felt, was his first right change.

And so shall there be a difference in the melody, in the salty water he's had to gulp down and sink in for years, and in those empty feeling that keep circling his mind. That change might take days, months, even years, but it will be worth it. He hopes so. Yukio will have to keep listening to the same tune for now, keep sinking into the same ocean for now, and keep living his decisions and feelings until the right one that will bring change comes, for now. He's going to keep messing up until what he's been waiting for, arrives.

He has now found his first step and it's to not have pride as his road and will to live.

:0! Good day/night.