Hey guys. The chapter finishes the Nightmare Paradigm as well as the second leg of this story. I'm hoping to get the next chapter up before my classes start back in about two weeks, but ya'll know my writing schedule - or lack thereof.

~M


Chapter Warnings: Mentions of violence, mild PTSD, mild language, feelings of abandonment

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Chapter Twenty Seven: The Nightmare Paradigm

Part Five

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For a long time, I flickered in and out of consciousness; brief moments of confused lucidity separated by long, rolling plains of dream. They were good dreams, at least, even if they were unexpected and bizarre. I wandered planets I had never visited; spoke in languages I didn't know; laughed until I cried with people I would never meet.

In waking moments, I blinked against warm light, shuffled around a bit in soft sheets and blankets. Someone would pet my hair. Stroke my cheek. Then I would fall back to sleep again.

When I finally woke up in entirety, it was in a room I didn't recognize. It wasn't in the TARDIS - no, the early morning sunlight filtering in through sheer curtains wasn't artificial. I was tucked snuggly into a large, comfy bed, wrapped in pristine silk sheets underneath a thick feather comforter.

I stared around the room blearily, cataloging each item in the space as my mind found the brainpower to analyze them. The walls were painted a pale, dusky blue with a white trim that - if you looked closely enough - had little sailboats carved into it. I smiled a little, finding them adorable. A wooden vanity sat on the wall opposite the bed, holding a variety of brushes and toiletries as well as a silver mirror the shape of a large, slightly squashed egg.

Movement flickered in my periphery. I glanced over to see the Doctor slumped in a chair by my head. He didn't seem to realize that I had woken up yet, and sat staring at the wall straight ahead of him, expression dark and unreadable. He was thumbing something small, turning it over and over in his hand. The object caught the sunlight as he rubbed it distractedly between his thumb and index finger like a worry stone, revealing it as glassy and blue.

Concerned, I reached out and rested my hand on his forearm. He jumped, very nearly dropping the object before it was swiftly tucked back into his jacket.

"Buffy." He immediately took up my hand in one of his, the other coming up to push the hair away from my face. I leaned into his touch, finding the weight of his hand familiar and warm. "How d'you feel?"

"Okay, I think." Everything was still a bit foggy, but nothing hurt, so that was a definite plus. "How long have I been asleep?"

"About two days."

"Two days?" I whined. "What the hell did you let me sleep for two days for?"

He shrugged innocently. "Must've needed it."

I sat up, grunting against the stiffness in my muscles. I popped my neck and winced. "What happened?"

The Doctor leaned in and wrapped an arm around my back. "What do you remember?"

"I… uh…" I backtracked. Everything that had happened since repairing the rift was muddled and fading like a bad dream. "I was..." The words died on my lips, and I found that I couldn't make myself say it.

Sadness settled across the Doctor's face. His voice was soft and hoarse, "I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm so sorry."

I shuddered, recalling how it felt to have rope crushing my throat with legs dangling and kicking of their own volition. My throat tightened and I suddenly found it very hard to breathe.

Leather creaked as the Doctor shifted closer and folded my hands in his. "Buff?"

Tears burned at the back of my eyes. I grit my teeth, angry at my own vulnerability. I was fine. It had been terrifying, but it was over now. I had been handled roughly before, and the rest was just a glorified bad dream.

Guilt clawed at my chest. The poor young woman they'd executed before me, she'd gone through the same thing I had. So had all the other victims of the Cardinal's mission.

I was lucky. I survived. I didn't have the right to cry.

I abruptly shrugged off the Doctor's touch and pushed the covers away, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. The sudden movement made my head swim. I overbalanced and my bare feet slapped ungracefully against the tile floor.

"Oi, easy," the Doctor protested as he steadied me, and then eased me back down on the edge of the bed. "You'll need some time to recover."

"I'm alright now, I think," I said firmly, "What happened after I, uh, blacked out?"

The Doctor frowned, the worry that weighed heavily on his brow shifted to something deeper. He reached out and carded his fingers through my hair.

"Delaney had sent for reinforcements ages back," he explained. "They got there at the last minute. Bancroft's in custody. He'll be put on trial."

"Good," I said emphatically. "And what about the Matrix?"

"I've been going over the schematics while you were out. Now that the rift's sealed, it shouldn't take long to fix. Couple hours, tops."

I nodded, nibbling pensively at my thumb nail, which had broken at some point during the last few days. "M'kay. The sooner the better."

"We were able to get you down, but your mind was still inside," he went on. "If you'd joined it, your mind would've been absorbed, and there's no way to get it back. I tried to go in after you, but I thought…" His teeth audibly ground together. "I thought I was too late."

The memory burned brightly. "I remember! I heard you. Right there at the end…"

I swallowed thickly, suddenly overcome with emotion. My chest flooded with warmth for the old Time Lord. Words couldn't even begin to cover it. I took both of his hands in mine and squeezed them as hard as I could, trying to convey the utter gratitude, awe, and affection I felt for him.

A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth, though I wasn't sure that he felt it. My smile faded.

"How are you?" I asked softly, reaching out to brush my thumb across his cheek.

Worryingly, his face went blank. "Fine. Why?"

"The… uh…" Getting the Doctor to talk about something he wasn't ready to discuss was like tiptoeing through a minefield. One wrong move, and he would either blow up or shut down, but I had to try. "The barn. I was worried about you."

Disappointingly, a too-wide smile cracked across his features; dismissive and a little condescending. "Get off it, then. We've got better things to do."

I met his eyes sadly. "Can't help it. I'm always worried about you."

He leapt to his feet in a single bound, nearly knocking his chair over in the process, and offered me his hand. "Then don't. I'm always alright, sooner or later, at least. You know that."

I took his proffered hand and allowed him to pull me to my feet, where I stood waveringly for a moment while I waited for my balance to return. It was then that I noticed I had been changed out of my day clothes and into a soft linen shift. By the Doctor or by one of the household maids, I didn't know. Didn't particularly care, either. I'd long since given up on being shy about such things.

"Oh, and before I forget…" He tugged the medallion out of his jacket and dangled it by the chain in front of my face. "Weren't easy to get, mind. Bancroft tried to hide it, but when I saw that you didn't have it I knew that he was bound to have taken it."

I snatched it from him and immediately put it on. I didn't feel like myself without its cool weight pressing against my chest, holding me together. The very thought of someone else wearing it, especially someone like Cardinal Bancroft, made my skin crawl.

Another quick glance around the room revealed my bag to be tucked away on the vanity. I hurried over and began rooting through it, instinctively touching each of the objects I kept stored within and breathing a sigh of relief when I found each intact. Knife. The Psychic paper. Psychic credit card. Sonic pen. Phone.

"I'll leave you to it." I glanced up to see him already making for the door.

I found the bundle of clothes I kept stashed in the bag. "Where are you going?"

"The Cathedral." He slipped out but poked his head back around the door when I called him back.

"Now?"

"Like you said, the sooner the better."

I scrambled to dig out my shoes. "Well, yeah. But give me a minute. I'll come with you."

He shook his head. "Nah. Don't worry. You 'aven't eaten in two days. I'll tell the staff you're up."

"Well, we already waited this long," I protested, not entirely happy with the thought of dealing with all the rich people niceties without him. "Another ten minutes won't hurt."

"Rest. Eat. Anyway, Delaney wants to talk to you." His face twitched with faint distaste. "Good luck with that. See you later." He closed the door with a snap.

I scoffed disbelievingly to myself, tugging the shift over my head and clumsily folding it on the vanity. When he wanted to be alone - whether or not he needed to be or should be - he would find a way to be alone.

"Be kind to yourself," I reminded him under my breath, hoping that even though he couldn't hear it, he would somehow sense it.

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"Miss Reid!" Delaney bounded around the corner - clearly having been waiting there for me to finish dressing and come out of my own accord - like a gangly colt that hadn't quite got the hang of its limbs yet. He stumbled to a halt a few steps before he reached me, and used the last five steps to regain his ducal composure as an afterthought. "I can't even begin to describe what a relief it is to see you up and about! After everything… I was certain that…"

"I'm fine now, thank you." I cut him off with a polite smile.

His eyes narrowed suspiciously, but in a way that was kindly meant. "You are, aren't you? Look at that, there's not so much as a mark."

I allowed him to tip my chin up to get a better look at my neck. Where the skin should've been reddened, scared, and bruised it was clear and unblemished.

"Got lucky, I guess," I said, tipping my head away a little when I got tired of his hand.

He dropped the offending appendage and awkwardly shoved it into the pocket of his fine blue coat. "As I understand it, the Doctor used a technique from…" He paused to glance behind him, double checking that no one was in ear shot. "... from his world."

I couldn't help but smile a little. The Duke had grown on me over the last few days, and I would be sorry when I had to leave. "Yeah, I thought that was what he did. It's uhh… effective."

"Well, so long as you're familiar with the procedure," he said, looking a tad bit relieved. He then quickly checked himself and added, "Not that I doubted the Doctor's intentions. He clearly cares about you a great deal. He simply refused to leave your side while you were unwell. I tried to convince him to rest, but he would mutter something about humans and our obsession with sleep. Whatever that means."

"Yeah, he does that," I interrupted. "He told me that the Inspectors got here and arrested the Cardinal." I paused. "Did they see…?"

"We… the Royal Inspectors' Guard, that is… mostly managed to clear out the Cathedral before the Doctor treated you, but I'm afraid some of them saw."

"Is it gonna be a problem?"

He grinned sheepishly. "I was able to convince them that it was a side effect of being called back from the uhh… the Matrix."

I sighed with relief. "Good. The last thing we need is for the inspector people to think there actually is a witchcraft problem."

"Ah. No, that would not be good." He smacked his forehead. "Oh, what am I doing? I'm supposed to be taking you down to breakfast, not tiring you out again."

He offered me his arm, which I took with a smile. "Not that I mind the talking part, but I am hungry."

"Well that, Miss Reid, I am certain I can help with."

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"I told you to stay at the house."

I flopped down beside the Doctor, settling with my legs crossed. "No. You told me to eat. I ate."

He shot me a glare, which I returned. The Doctor was kneeling behind the Arch, evidently having found a panel that no one else had noticed. He sat in a mess of wires, picking apart the Matrix's innards.

"Got bored," I went on, struggling to ignore the heavy presence of the Arch. What had been an architectural quirk now loomed, mocking me with memories of the last time I'd walked beneath it. "Thought I'd come keep you company."

"You're supposed to be resting."

"I can rest and annoy you at the same time."

The Doctor heaved a long-suffering sigh. "A bloody menace, you are."

"I have irritating Time Lords down to a science." I shot him a smirk. "That's why you like me. And anyway, Delaney's low-key trying to convince me to marry him, so I kinda need to, you know, not give any wrong ideas."

"More'n low-key, I think."

"You're not wrong," I conceded. "I'm not kidding when I say that literally half the staff thinks I'm going to be lady of the house or some shit. At breakfast, you wouldn't believe the bowing and sucking up they were doing to me." I nudged him playfully with my foot. "So, you know, thanks for leaving me to the wolves of the aristocracy."

He waggled his eyebrows imperiously at his work. "Well, I've learned that if you don't get an uncomfortable amount of attention every now and then, you get clingy."

I scoffed in mock offense. "Clingy to who?"

"Randomers, Buff."

"Oh? Like who?"

"I can't be bothered to remember them all." He tapped the side of his nose knowingly. "But mark my words, if he hadn't doted on you as much to begin with, then you'd already be engaged to Duke wotzhisface."

I squirmed over to press myself against his side, hugging one of his arms and resting my chin on his shoulder. "So it is jealousy."

He huffed, a little more preoccupied by his sonic. "No, I just know that you'd bite off more 'n you can chew, then it'll be up to me to sneak you out before the wedding without causing an interplanetary civil war."

"It was one time."

"Twice," he corrected.

"Huh. I did all the work on Defedil VI, thank you very much. If I recall correctly, you were stuck down a well."

He grimaced. "Then what about Frecal Prime?"

"How was I supposed to know drinking from the same cup was the same as accepting a proposal?"

"Who drinks after a random bloke they just met? That's bloody disgusting."

"You drink after me all the time."

"I know where you've been."

A different kind of warmth flooded me, the kind that made my heart flutter and was altogether embarrassing. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every place we touched. My leg against one of his. Tucked into his side, having claimed one of his arms and holding it captive against my chest.

I leaned back a bit, a little embarrassed, but couldn't bear to pull myself away altogether. His presence was heavy and comforting; just being around him soothed some deep part of me that had been left broken and empty for a long time.

God, I was so fucking screwed.

While harboring feelings for the Doctor wasn't a bad thing, it certainly wasn't good. I couldn't help but feel a little happiness, though. The emotions themselves were good, even if they would ultimately end in bad ones.

Do I tell him?

Half dead in his arms, high on his regeneration energy, making him aware of my feelings had seemed like a good idea. Outside of delirium, I wasn't so sure.

I turned my head, chin still resting on his shoulder, and studied the side of his face. After a year and a half of companionship, I had most of his expressions catalogued - those he made while he worked were some of my favorites. I would observe him without him noticing, watch the expressions flicker, ebb, and flow and try to work out what he was thinking. Now, he was deep in thought, too deep for a mess of fused wires to be at its heart.

Honestly, I couldn't help but wonder if he already knew. He could read me like a book - had been able to for a long time. Sometimes I thought I could do the same to him, but now, looking into his endless ice blue eyes and hoping for love, I knew that he'd always be far too complex for me to ever even begin to properly decode.

And assuming he did know, what was it to him? Just a silly human girl with her silly human emotions; hopelessly in love with someone far more complex than she could ever hope to be. I wasn't the first of his companions to develop feelings for him, nor would I be the last. Undoubtedly, he'd come to expect such things of those he traveled with; which is to say, the act of someone falling in love with him wasn't at all unique.

But what we had between us now was special, or at least it was to me. I didn't want to ruin it, just as I didn't want to complicate future relationships with future companions; I could imagine that he wanted the same. If I told him, he'd have to respond one way or another, and either would ruin us as we knew it.

No. I would keep it to myself.

Resigned, but at peace with my internal turmoil, I pressed a kiss to the back of his shoulder.

"Thanks for coming to get me," I murmured against the leather.

"Always," I felt his voice through his shoulder, rumbling, low, and so familiar that it ached. "Alright?"

Maybe it was the emotional turmoil of the last few days, but suddenly, tears were burning in my eyes. I tried to hide them against his jacket, but they overflowed, determined to be acknowledged after having been suppressed since I'd regained consciousness.

The wound left by this place was still fresh, and I knew that I would be feeling the effects of it for a long time to come. I could compartmentalize my time in the Matrix as a nightmare, but couldn't quite do the same to being hanged. Being stung up, choking and jerking like a worm on a hook would be added to my long, still growing list of circumstances that would follow me into my dreams. A little ironic, really, that I should take a trip to face my nightmares and come away with more.

At first, I hid my tears well enough. The Doctor was distracted, both by his own mind and by the task at hand. He could feel me, though, so when a few small, hiccuping breaths stuttered against him, he noticed.

"Buffy," he breathed, turning and loosening my grip on his arm. The bundle of wires he'd been painstakingly sorting were cast unceremoniously to the side and immediately forgotten. I was hauled into his lap and held tight against his chest. His fingers tangled in my hair as he tucked my head under his chin. "This is my fault. Should've been able to stop it… If I hadn't been so..."

The Doctor hushed me as I tried to babble an explanation or perhaps an apology, but I was too distraught to formulate the words, and those that did manage to get out were strangled by sobs, which now came freely and without restraint.

I was such an ugly crier. I hated it.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," was the Doctor's mantra. He sounded strained, broken. He tried to hold me closer, tighter and tighter until it was almost painful, but I was content to be crushed; it was nice, really, like he was molding all my broken pieces back into place.

Slowly, I began to run out of tears. When they were gone, I was left trembling, feeling sad and empty. The Doctor sat quietly with me for a few minutes longer. Eventually, he sat back just enough to look into my face and settled his hands firmly on my shoulders. There were tear stains on his jumper and a serious, almost wrathful fire in his icy blue eyes.

"I am going to keep you safe, Buffy Reid," he swore, rendering me inert with the intensity of his gaze. "No matter what. No matter what it takes, I am going to keep you safe. I promise."

Still sniffling, I nodded slowly, trying to scrub away the dampness on my cheeks with minimal success. There was no point in reminding him that no one was ever truly safe, and that it was something he couldn't really promise.

Suddenly cold, I wound my arms tightly around his neck. He returned the embrace without question and held me like I would fade from him if he dared let go.

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When we left the little world of Tamia, it was humming with life. The Matrix was singing.

"You'll have a hell of a job sorting this out," the Doctor commented to Delaney, who had followed us through town to the TARDIS. After all we'd told him, the Duke of Tamial Provence hadn't been about to let us leave without getting a peek at our spaceship.

"Yes, quite," Delaney admitted, looking completely overwhelmed but positively thrilled. He was, like the rest of the people on Tamia, now in contact with the Matrix. As a descendent of the original settlers, he could hear it singing even louder than I could, and its joy bled into the hearts and minds of the people. They were confused, of course, but any disorientation was soothed by a sense of harmony and interconnectedness. "But now I have the feeling that my people will be more ready to listen."

"You'll do brilliantly, mate." The Doctor clapped him on the back as we led him back into the tall grass situated at the bottom of the bowl of mountains. The town of Tamial was louder than it had been when we first landed. The people were out on the streets and their chatter drifted clearly out across the field. The fires on their houses burned brightly, doubling the smell of woodsmoke and food cooking. "Just spread the word and make sure everyone knows exactly what the Matrix is. No more gods and witches, if you can help it."

Delaney nodded seriously. "I think we've had our fill. Even the most violent of us are weary of the fear and death."

"Let's hope so." The Doctor shook his head doubtfully. "Humans. Sometimes I think you like it." He shook himself off and clapped his hands together. "But… maybe this time you lot will surprise me. Until then, things to do. Come on, Buff."

The Doctor vanished into the TARDIS without a second glance, but I lingered for a moment longer.

"No wonder I couldn't tempt you to stay," Delaney commented to me, indicating the TARDIS interior. "What's an estate when you have this world to call your own?"

"Oh, I don't know. It was a fun idea, at least." I smiled and stood on my toes to press a chaste kiss to his cheek. When I stepped back, he was blushing an alarming shade of red. "Look after yourself, though, okay?"

He coughed nervously, struggling to regain his composure. "Yes, well, I'll certainly try, Miss Reid. Just be certain that you do the same."

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I was back in my room aboard the TARDIS, fresh from a shower and trying to convince my body to finally unwind and sleep. After about thirty minutes of tossing about and getting myself thoroughly tangled in the sheets, I was forced to accept the fact that it would be a while before I'd be able to rest. In fairness, I shouldn't have expected any different. Hibernating for two days on top of the residual anxiety from being in the Nightmare Matrix wasn't exactly a recipe for a good night's sleep - though crying had taken a lot out of me.

I got up and changed into comfortable day clothes - tennis shoes, leggings, and my favorite hoodie that was faded red and three sizes too big - and tied my hair up into a ponytail.

While I was still plodding around the room, I heard a tiny squeak and turned to see Geronimo peeking out from behind some books I'd left stacked on my desk.

An unexpected wave of relief passed over me to see him. Sometimes after a nightmare you're struck by the acute need to check on those who had been killed or hurt within the dream - just to make sure they're actually okay. And really, besides the Doctor, he was the only one I had to check on.

I went back to my bedside table and dug out a granola bar that I'd stashed in the drawer. I peeled back the wrapper and broke off a piece, which I then offered to my smallest friend.

Despite Geronimo's initial trepidation regarding his two giant housemates, the mouse no longer saw us as predators, especially since the Doctor had given up on trying to rehome him. And apparently, according to the Doctor, since Geronimo was a mouse from the future he was somewhat more evolved than the mice I was familiar with, meaning that not only would he live longer (a massive relief for me - normal mice only live about a year), but he was much more reasonable - a fact I was curtly reminded of every time I walked into the kitchen or library to find the hulking lump of a Time Lord deep in philosophical debate with a three inch mouse.

Geronimo's dark, surprisingly intelligent eyes sparkled in the warm light of the room. He skittered our across the desk, bold as brass, and stood up on his hind legs with his tiny hands outstretched. He took the granola without the slightest hesitation and immediately began nibbling on it.

"Hey, little guy," I murmured, reaching out a finger and gently brushing his furry little head. "You doing okay?"

Geronimo twittered and began cleaning his whiskers, which I took to mean 'same as always'. Despite the fact that he and the Doctor could actually understand each other, Geronimo seemed to enjoy spending time with me as well. Maybe it was because I usually shared my food with him - but really, what more can you expect from a mouse?

When he finished with his crumbs, I held out my palm for him to crawl onto and transferred him to my shoulder. He squirmed around a little, burrowing into my hair and under the excess fabric of the hood before settling down for a nap.

For the first time since seeing the young woman hanging under the Arch, I finally felt kind of happy; a little, at least. Or maybe just relaxed enough to be content. Either way, it was welcome, and I savored it as I left my room and wandered slowly through the TARDIS halls, trailing my fingers fondly along the metal walls.

Looking back, I would realize that the TARDIS must've known what was about to happen. The path to the console room was long and winding, but somehow lacking the TARDIS's usual teasing. She led me through the library, the pool, and a couple of the gardens with a certain gravity that had me slowly wandering the rows of bookshelves, running my fingers down the spines of books, and kneeling down to wistfully dip my hand into the pool water.

By the time I made it to the console room, my equanimity had devolved into a downright melancholia. I tried to squash it down, writing it off as the after effects of emotional exhaustion or a side effect of the TARDIS's funny mood. Though what she had to be upset about was beyond me.

I perked up a little when I rounded the console and saw the Doctor. He was kneeling beside the jumpseat, rummaging through a small bag. A fond smile twitched up the corners of my lips as I opened my mouth to ask him about a trip to get fries and maybe ice cream, but paused when I realized that the bag he was rifling through was mine.

"It's not polite to go through a lady's things," I chastised, frowning at him bemusedly from over the controls.

The Doctor winced, but finished whatever he was doing and closed it back.

"Was looking for your sonic," he said, standing and going over to fiddle at the console distractedly.

I didn't doubt his intentions, but remained skeptical. "Why?"

He flicked a button to switch off the monitor. "I've got a software update for it."

"Oh, okay. Didn't know it needed updating," I mused. "But that makes sense, I guess. I don't even know who made and programmed it in the first place." I raised my eyebrows. "Did you find it?"

He turned and fixed me with a blank look. "Find what?"

"The sonic?"

The Doctor blinked. "Oh! Yeah." He indicated the bag with a jerk of his head. "Got it all sorted."

I watched him thoughtfully. At first he met my gaze unflinchingly, but began to fidget self-consciously after a few moments.

"What?"

"You're getting weird in your old age," I told him. "And creepy."

"Time Lord. I'm not old, thanks, " he huffed, straightening his jacket. "And we both know that I've always been a bit weird. But creepy?"

A knot in my chest loosened. I settled myself into the jump seat and set to strapping the bag to my leg. "I said what I said."

He leaned back against the console and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "How am I creepy?"

"Besides going through personal items without permission?" I squinted thoughtfully. "Lurking."

The Doctor huffed. "I don't lurk."

I grinned. "You absolutely do!"

"When?"

"All the time!" I ticked off on my fingers. "In doorways, down corridors, around corners. Basically anywhere where you can eavesdrop without being noticed." I scowled. "Or at least where you think no one can see you."

The Doctor scoffed in mock offense before returning his attention to the console. Instead of continuing to fiddle idly, he started the dematerialization sequence, purposefully entering coordinates with a kind of resoluteness. Curious, I got to my feet and went to check the monitor, only to find that everything on it was unhelpfully written in Gallifreyan.

Giving up, I followed the Doctor around the console as he piloted the TARDIS into the Vortex. After a few moments the room stopped heaving and settled into smoother space.

I looped my arms around the Doctor's middle, hugging him from behind and resting my cheek against his shoulder. "Where are we going?"

He kept his attention on the controls. "Just out."

Maybe a quick, simple trip would help set my mind straight. I hummed my assent. "M'kay. Just somewhere chill, okay? I'm still kinda tired."

He rested one of his hands on my own. I appreciated how only one of his hands was almost able to cover both of mine.

"Don't worry," he promised. "Completely safe."

We stayed like that for a few long minutes, just enjoying each other's company. To be honest, by the time the Doctor patted my hands to tell me it was time to let go so he could land, I had almost fallen asleep against him.

Blinking the doziness away, I slipped away and looked down at my sweatshirt . "Do I need to change?"

"No. Should be alright," he promised, somewhat distracted. The TARDIS was complaining a bit more than usual - not outright fussing or fighting, but grumbling just enough to let the Doctor know of her discontent. "Hush, you," the Doctor scolded his ship. He then glanced up at me and tossed his head over his shoulder. "Go on. I'm right behind you."

I didn't hesitate to trot across the metal grating to the door. Hopefully, wherever we were, there would be some good food to be found. I was hungry, but not for anything fancy. Something greasy sounded perfect; a good burger and fries with ice cream for dessert.

I crossed the threshold and out onto damp concrete. I sniffed the air, noting the heavy tang of car exhaust and liking my chances of finding a burger joint nearby. The TARDIS had landed in what appeared to be a parking lot, sided by graffitied apartment buildings. Sirens echoed faintly in the distance, muffled by heavy fog and other sounds made by urban nightlife. Muted city lights glowed dully, spreading across the clouds in muddy patches of orange and white.

I felt the Doctor's presence before I saw him. I turned back to see him leaning against the doorframe, arms folded across his chest. I had been joking before, but he really did have a tendency to lurk. I was about to inquire as to our whereabouts, but was stopped by the Time Lord's guarded expression.

The Doctor leaned forward, taking my face in his hands and tipping my chin up slightly so he could plant a tender, lingering kiss to my forehead.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against my skin. His nose bumped against my brow.

Before I could ask what he was sorry for, he stepped backwards, back into the TARDIS, and closed the door, leaving me outside.

I stared at the door, puzzled, it wasn't until the engines began to heave that I understood. Cold horror splashed over me. It had been so long that I hadn't recognized it. London. This was London. This was the Powell Estate. He'd taken me back.

"Doctor!" I cried, throwing myself against the doors and pulling frantically at them. They didn't budge. I scrambled to find my key, but it was too late. The wood began to dissolve between my fingers. I kept trying. "No! Doctor!"

My heart was roaring in my ears, so loud that it covered the mocking howl of the engines as she bled away. It had been a long time since I'd seen the TARDIS dematerialize from the outside, but she seemed to linger a few seconds longer than usual. She probably meant it as an apology, but it just drew the moment out and into a particularly cruel brand of torture.

Then she was gone, taking the Doctor with her.

"Don't leave me!" I begged the empty space. "You can't just leave me like this! Come back. Please! Please come back."

I couldn't feel my legs. They gave out from under me and I fell hard to my knees. This wasn't real, I reasoned. It couldn't be. He wouldn't just go, would he, at least without saying goodbye?

Geronimo, who had been asleep until now, was squeaking in agitation. His tiny claws scrabbling at my hair reminded me that the Doctor had said goodbye, and that I was damn lucky to have gotten one at all.

A terrified and heartbroken sob tore from my throat as reality sank in, taking the last of my strength with it. I bowed forward with the weight of it, digging my fingers into my hair and pulling, further disturbing Geronimo - who squealed.

The Nightmare Paradigm had shown me some of my worst nightmares, all save for the one that frightened me the most. Maybe it had known, somehow, that it didn't need to. That it was coming anyway. No need to show me the same nightmare twice. Redundancy could be awfully boring.

I wished with all my might that my consciousness was still in the Paradigm, that this horrible moment was just a particularly cruel ploy from my imagination. It would pass soon, just as the others had.

But it didn't. The asphalt grit painfully into my palms. I scrubbed my knuckles against it until they bled. It hurt. This was real.

I was alone.

~0~0~0~

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Responses to Comments:

ShelBell25, TheGuestAlikai, sophiewhettingsteel, That's Balderdash, Guest: Thanks so much for reading and commenting! It makes me so happy to know you guys are enjoying the story!

Saiyanprincess1511: Thanks for the heads up, Ill keep it in mind. The idea was to make it seem kind of jumpy bc that's how Buffy's processing it, but I have a tendency to overdo things. And don't worry about me not noticing if you've reviewed more than once, cuz I do! and my response will be to all your most recent comments. By this point I know my regular reviewers by username bc I love ya'll. Thanks for taking time to read and review!

Guest: I'm sad to say that I really dont have an update schedule. I have pieces of the story already written, but I'm doing most of the writing as I go along. I'm flattered that it seems like I already have it written tho.

bored411: Unfortunately, as I'm sure you've gathered from this chapter, it's going to be a bit more complicated than that. But don't worry too much XD her trauma isn't just going to be swept under the rug.

22wolfgirl: It wasn't too clear, but it's the visual interpretation of the Matrix. The Matrix isnt evil, but it wants to make a connection, which means it wants the people to want it as much as it wants them, which isn't good for the people. And yes, Rose is coming soon! I cant believe Ive finally made it to that point of the story. Hope you enjoy the things I have planned!

immortal chord: Im stoked you like the ending and them together. I'm hoping to get some serious fluff and pining in upcoming chapters, so I hope you'll enjoy it. And yeah it did look a lot like her regenerating, but I'm afraid that would've been too simple XD Buffy has got a lot of biological stuff to unpack, but it'll be a while before we get into all that. Thanks for reading!

Savethemadscientist: I'm looking forward to getting to share their growing relationship with you. Them finally getting together has been floating around in my head for a long time. See you next update :)

C. S. Stars:The scaring ain't over, hon. I like writing suspense and I'm glad you like reading it ;)

Spoonsinthesink: I was hoping someone would notice the bit about her brothers It was only a skngle line but I think it shows her character. Originally the Doctor was supposed to actually follow her in and go through her nightmares with her, but I decided that it was easier and more efficient to have him call after her instead. I'm glad you think it was good, I'd been a bit worried that I had underdone it. And the laptop thing: I agree completely. That's something in some of the fics Ive read that lowkey bothers me. Its a small detail, but like I have such a shit memory and I cant imagine any of my characters to make plans and stuff based on their memories alone.

KittyBear98:
Aw thank you! I'm always kind of worried that the gaps between updates will make people lose momentum. So Im really glad you think its worth the wait. Thanks for taking the time to read and review!