This chapter picks up right where the previous one left off. Just a reminder that this story takes place in season 15, between "Gambler's Fallacy" and "Beast's Obsession" and deals with mature themes.

I had initially planned for this fic to be a two-shot but I've decided that there will be one more chapter after this.

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"Hold me down, I'm so tired now

Aim your arrow at the sky

Take me down, I'm too tired now

Leave me where I lie"

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"Amanda, I want you to stay on the phone with me. I'm getting in a cab right now and coming to where you are. Don't go anywhere, okay?"

Amanda gives a briefly amused snort in response to her sergeant's frantic words, not bothering to inform Olivia that she seems to be unable to move from her spot on the dirty, frozen ground, and likely won't be able to stagger to her feet and wobble out of the alley, even if she feels so inclined. At this point, she is quite sure that no major damage has been done as a result of her fall, no broken bones or open wounds, but her body aches from head to toe; a deep and unrelenting exhaustion that permeates to the very core of her being and makes the decision to stay in her sprawled position flat out on the icy gravel an easy one.

"Can you keep talking to me until I get there? Can you tell me what's been going on lately and why you're crying right now?"

Olivia's voice is more gentle and caring than Amanda can ever remember it being, at least when directed toward her, and she swallows around the huge lump that has risen inside her throat, not knowing where to even begin. She had given the older woman the address of the bar when Olivia had asked where she was, surprised when her superior had announced that she would be arriving at Amanda's location as soon as possible and still unclear on what Olivia had been doing when she had called her so suddenly.

Amanda wonders if she has interrupted a date between her boss and Brian Cassidy, and although there is a hint of guilt at this prospect; that she is taking Olivia away from something that brings her joy and is a respite from the brutality of their jobs, there is an overwhelming sense of relief as well. There is a certain amount of comfort that Amanda feels, knowing Olivia is on her way and will soon be joining her in this cramped and dismal alleyway; a little slice of the city that seems to have been entirely forgotten as fellow bar patrons and other pedestrians stroll on by without so much as a glance in her direction.

Traces of jealousy and fear are making themselves known among the myriad of complex emotions that are threatening to drown her in their intensity; Amanda acknowledging that she has been envious of Olivia and Brian's relationship right from the start. She is frightened that Olivia will be resentful and angry at the intrusion into her personal life on a Saturday night; forced to leave her date and attend to a subordinate who is rapidly coming apart at the seams.

When she hears Olivia's concerned voice in her ear again, repeating what she has just asked, Amanda flinches in surprise as she is pulled from her whirling thoughts and realizes that she hasn't given the other woman an answer yet. There doesn't appear to be any reply forthcoming as Amanda scrambles to say something, anything at all to begin appeasing Olivia's obvious worry, and remains silent as she lays there staring up at the tiny strip of black sky that is visible above her prone body.

The only sound that emits from lips that are swiftly turning from pink to blue is another desperate sob, and Amanda listens to the audible intake of air that echoes down the line in return, Olivia urging her to talk and tell her what's happening. She is stunned at the depth of emotion that is now apparent in her sergeant's voice in response to her detective's despair, and recognizes the spike of panic in Olivia's tone as she speaks again.

"Amanda, I need you to talk to me right now, please. Tell me what's happening."

No matter how hard she tries, Amanda can't bring herself to even begin attempting to explain everything that is going on inside her head; the complete and utter hopelessness that has overtaken her these past several weeks as she battles an addiction that seems determined to swallow her whole and engages in humiliating and degrading sexual acts in her free time; not to mention her all-consuming love for a woman she can't have. Strangled noises of defeat are the only sounds that emit from her throat and she doesn't find her voice again until she realizes that Olivia has now arrived at her location, blaring rock music and drunken laughter coming through very clearly on the other end of the line.

"Amanda, I'm at the bar and I can't find you anywhere! I've checked inside and out. Where are you?"

"I'm around the corner in the alleyway," she mumbles tiredly, struggling to move limbs that seem to have molded themselves into the pavement as it registers how pathetic and ridiculous she is going to look to her sergeant when Olivia sees her just laying there in a dejected lump.

Amanda's slow and clumsy movements are not nearly quick enough to beat Olivia's speedy arrival in the alley, and the loud gasp that echoes throughout the narrow space rings in her ears as the swift clomping of boots come closer and stop right next to her head.

"My god, Amanda, what happened to you? Are you alright? Do I need to call a bus?"

She is aware of Olivia kneeling down beside her now, the other woman's hands roaming over her body in an alarmed manner like she is checking for injuries, and Amanda tries to brush off any concerns and assure her that she is fine; that she had merely taken a tumble onto the slick ground. She doesn't mention that it is emotional turmoil rather than physical harm that is keeping her here on the icy gravel, and winces in shame when she gets a better look at Olivia and takes note of her appearance; the brunette's hair carefully styled although somewhat windblown from her rush into the alleyway, and her clothing and makeup impeccable.

"I knew it," she murmurs with an immense regret that has overtaken the relief at Olivia coming to her aid, shrugging away from her superior's gentle touch. "I knew I was interrupting something. I'm fine, Liv, Just leave me here and go back to whatever it is you were doing. Go back to Cassidy," Amanda adds in a low, sorrowful tone, turning away from the older woman altogether as her dress rides up her frozen thighs with the graceless movement.

"Amanda, don't be ridiculous," Olivia snaps out with an edge of incredulity and impatience apparent in her voice; those strong, soft hands on her body again as the taller woman tries to get her to turn back over. "I'm not leaving you here. You're freezing cold and not dressed for the weather. We need to get you out of here right now."

"Please don't be angry with me, Olivia," Amanda begs brokenly as the tears that had begun to slow start up once more. "I honestly can't handle it right now and I'd rather you just leave me here if that's how it's going to be. It was a mistake to call you and ruin your evening. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

She can't seem to stop the drunken, anguished babbling that is coursing from lips that are becoming too cold to move properly, Olivia's hands placed firmly against her shoulders now as if in an effort to put a halt to both Amanda's words and actions.

"Shhh, honey, I'm not angry with you, okay?" Olivia's voice is softer when she replies, the brunette's hands sliding around Amanda's ribs to carefully hoist her into a sitting position. "And you're not interrupting anything with Brian and I. We just broke up, actually, and I was about to head home when you called me. He's staying with a friend for the night."

Amanda's eyebrows fly upwards at this unexpected personal revelation, stunned that Olivia has chosen to share something so private with her and unsure of whether to feel ecstatic or upset by this news. There is an ache in her chest at the thought of Olivia possibly being hurt by Cassidy, or the older woman feeling sadness of any kind for any reason, although she can admit to herself that she has never liked the man and has always wanted Olivia to be with her instead.

Amanda is about to apologize again for dragging Olivia to this seedy bar when her sergeant probably wants nothing more than to go home and make a hot cup of tea or curl up in bed and cry, unable to get an accurate read on how Olivia is feeling about this break-up, when there is another sharp gasp emitted into the air. There is a gloved hand hovering underneath her chin now as Amanda finds her head being titled gently backward so she is looking up into Olivia's dark and penetrating eyes, a new emotion visible in those chocolate orbs and one that sends a prickle of anxiety and confusion through her.

"Sweetheart, I need you to be truthful with me right now. Did someone hurt you tonight? Should I be taking you to the hospital to be examined?"

There is a deep frown etched into Amanda's delicate features now and one that matches Olivia's own as she follows the other woman's gaze when it darts away from her teary blue eyes and lingers somewhere lower, her stomach tightening when she sees the thin trickle of blood along the inside of one bare thigh. Her dress has ridden far too high up her legs, exposing pale skin that gleams in the weak light from a nearby streetlamp, and she realizes how this must look from Olivia's point of view; that she is lying in a discarded heap in a dirty alleyway next to a bar, barely clothed on this freezing cold night with blood streaking her thighs, and that Olivia is likely assuming she has just been assaulted.

For a brief moment, Amanda wonders if she has hurt herself worse than she had originally thought after taking a spill in her high heels on such a slippery surface, before the scene that had taken place in the bathroom comes rushing right back to her, and she bites her lip to hold in a shameful sob. "No one hurt me," she assures Olivia quickly, reminded of how harsh the sex had been when she feels an ache between her legs and recalls the scrape of fingernails against her tender walls. "It was consensual. It just got a little bit rough."

There is a wary silence permeating the alley now as if Olivia is debating what to say next, and Amanda snuggles further into the taller woman's chest when a shiver racks her small frame, whimpering, "I'm so cold, Liv," into the soft folds of her jacket.

This statement seems to spur Olivia into action, her sergeant's hands skimming over Amanda's bare legs and inhaling a sharp breath in response as if shocked to feel just how cold her detective actually is, and Amanda feels herself being lifted slowly to her feet. She wobbles uncertainly when she is finally standing upright again and lets Olivia lead her to the cab that is waiting by the curb, the older woman asking repeatedly if they need to go to the emergency room for any injuries that Amanda had sustained in her fall or otherwise, and handing her a tissue from her purse to clean the blood on her leg.

Amanda is absolutely adamant that they will not be going to the hospital and she will be fine after a good night's sleep, uncontrollable shivers wracking her slender body once she is huddled with Olivia in the backseat of the taxi. She listens as the older woman instructs the driver to crank up the heat as high as it will go, directing the man to her own apartment instead of Amanda's, and another swell of tears prick insistently at her eyelids when she sees Olivia shrugging out of her coat to drape it across her lap.

The material of the jacket smells like gusty wind and fireplace smoke and Olivia's perfume, a surprised elation briefly taking the place of her all-consuming despair when Amanda is suddenly pulled flush against the brunette's curvy body, Olivia's arms wrapping around her in a protective embrace. "Let me try to warm you up," the other woman whispers into her ear, and this time the shiver that races down Amanda's spine has nothing to do with the winter weather.

It doesn't take long before a pleasant and welcoming heat begins to infuse the interior of the vehicle, Amanda's frozen limbs thawing bit by bit as she cuddles further into Olivia's embrace, her boss' hands rubbing occasionally up and down her arms as if Olivia is indeed determined to warm Amanda up. This is the first time they have been pressed so intimately together like this for such a lengthy amount of time, Amanda waiting for Olivia to come to her senses and pull away from her inebriated and annoying subordinate, but the dreaded action never comes and Olivia keeps her arms wrapped tightly around Amanda's quivering figure for the duration of their ride.

When they are safely upstairs in Olivia's apartment, the older woman guides her into the bathroom and helps her sit down on top of the closed lid of the toilet before wetting a washcloth in the sink. When Olivia kneels in front of her and begins stroking the cloth very gently over the cold skin of Amanda's calf, the trickle of blood having reached her ankle and Amanda too tired and frozen to take care of the mess in the cab, she is forced to look away from her boss' probing gaze.

That familiar shame and regret is wrapped so tightly around her chest that it's difficult to take a deep breath without choking on it, and Amanda has to swallow back another sob when Olivia rests one hand on her knee and says her name softly. She is aware of the brunette trying to hand her the cloth in order to take care of the inner part of her thigh that is still streaked a bright crimson color, Amanda wincing at the pain in her groin and holding her fingertips against the crotch of her underwear before realizing what she is doing.

Olivia's eyes have followed the movement of her hand and Amanda quickly closes her legs, guessing there is also blood visible on her panties and wanting to hide the evidence of her rough sexual encounter from the woman she is in love with. "Amanda, are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?" Her sergeant's voice is tender and non-judgmental when she speaks, fingers tightening around her kneecap. "How badly did he hurt you, sweetheart?"

"She," Amanda mumbles in response, ducking her head down and letting her long blonde hair cover her face when Olivia leans closer as if to hear her better.

"What was that, honey?"

"It was a she, not a he," Amanda confirms almost inaudibly, neglecting to mention that the female she has been engaging in drunken public sex acts with bears an uncanny resemblance to her boss. "Her fingernail scraped me really hard by accident...inside."

She suddenly wishes to be much more inebriated than she actually is at the moment, feeling far too coherent right now despite the large amount of alcohol she had consumed at the bar; every emotion and thought and physical pain seemingly enhanced to a greater degree. She quickly swipes the cloth up the insides of both thighs before clamping her legs shut and huddling into herself, the chills that had wracked her body outdoors starting up again despite being ensconced in Olivia's warm apartment.

"Amanda, maybe you need to be examined by a doctor," Olivia suggests again in a very quiet tone, the older woman sitting back on her heels so she is gazing up at her and not showing any reaction whatsoever to her revelation of having sex with a woman. "If you're bleeding and in pain, I think you should be looked at by a medical professional."

"No," Amanda replies firmly, trying to infuse as much authority as she possibly can into her tone so that Olivia will know there's no room for argument. "I'll be fine, Liv, really. There's barely any blood and the pain will subside soon. This isn't..." She trails off and bites down on her lower lip, trying to keep herself from blurting out her next words.

"What were you going to say?" Olivia asks softly, shifting slightly closer to her on the floor and those brown eyes practically boring a hole into her own blue orbs. "That this isn't the first time something like this has happened? Do you engage in rough sex often, Amanda?"

"Mind your own business," she retorts with a scoff and a flippant wave of her hand, intent on ignoring the fiery red blush that she can feel suffusing her pale cheeks with color. "I told you that it was consensual. What I do in my personal time should be no concern of yours."

"Oh, really?" Olivia responds curtly, an eyebrow arching in challenge. "If it's no concern of mine, why did you call me tonight, then? Why didn't you call Fin or Nick or someone else? I know you have much closer relationships to the other members of our squad than you do with me."

"Whose fault is that?" Amanda mutters accusingly under her breath, the words spilling from her lips like they have a mind of their own and she has no control over what is being said.

"Amanda." Her name is emitted on a weary sigh from Olivia's lips, the older woman's eyes squeezing shut for a few seconds before opening again and fixing intently on her once more. "If you want us to be closer, how about you start by opening up a bit and telling me what's going on?"

"There's no point," Amanda murmurs in defeat, her shoulders slumping as her head droops down toward her chest, and she is able to fully admit to herself what a terrible idea this was; that as much as she wants more with Olivia than they currently have, whether that be a friendship or a relationship, she is just too screwed up and too far gone. "I'll never get back into your good graces now. I'm such a complete fuck-up that I'd be better off..."

Her voice is trailing into nothing again, the rest of the sentence fading on her tongue before it can be spoken, and Olivia is gripping onto her knees with a firmer grasp now, the other woman's face appearing below her own and a hand moving Amanda's hair out of the way, like her sergeant is determined to re-establish eye contact between them. Smooth fingertips are lifting her chin up, Olivia repeating the gesture from earlier in the alleyway, and the tears are flowing swiftly down Amanda's cheeks again when she meets her boss' intense gaze.

"What were you going to say?" Olivia repeats gently, although there is a hint of something more stern beneath the tenderness, like she is thoroughly intending on making her detective talk. "You would be better off what?"

"Just forget it," Amanda sniffs as she drags an arm across her face in an effort to rid herself of these embarrassing tears that refuse to stop falling. "Just forget about everything, okay? Forget this night even happened. I'll go home and let you get on with your evening. I know you must have more important things on your mind, especially considering you and Cassidy just broke up. I'll leave you alone now."

"And if I don't want to be left alone?" Olivia counters firmly, both eyebrows raised high as they stare each other down. "If I want you to stay, are you still going to leave? What if I also need the company because I'm upset tonight? What if I actually want you here with me?"

"But you don't," Amanda answers with a roll of her eyes and a stifled cry, her breath catching inside her throat. "You're just saying that."

"I don't say things that I don't mean, Amanda." The brunette's voice is sharp, the usual tone that she takes with her subordinate seeming to edge out the softness, and Amanda gets to her feet with a small sob, wobbling there unsteadily while Olivia quickly scrambles up to stand beside her.

"Look, why don't you take a hot shower while I find something warmer for you to wear?" she suggests more gently, Amanda shrugging Olivia's hand off her shoulder when she feels the older woman's touch. "I can make us some tea and we can get comfortable under the blanket on the couch and talk for a little while. What do you think? Does that sound like a good plan?"

"Why do you even want to talk to me, Olivia?" Amanda's voice is tiny and brittle when she answers, and she wonders where that confident, sassy detective from the past has gone and if she is ever coming back; barely recognizing the broken shell of a person that she has become over the last several weeks. "I'm not worth your time."

Even though Amanda was the one to initiate this encounter between them, wanting nothing more than to turn around and collapse into Olivia's strong embrace and have the taller woman hold her while she cries and forgive all her sins, she knows that truer words have never been spoken.

She isn't worth it.

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*Song lyrics from Florence and the Machine's "Sky Full of Song"