'Tony may have had a drinking problem, but at least he didn't have other problems. Apart from that smoking one a few months ago. And that one time he blacked out in Amsterdam. Fuck, maybe he'd have to clean house if this was going to work.' In which Tony has a baby, and is most definitely not ready. But fuck over-preparation. Pre-Ironman. Previously Madly Mathematical.

A/N: This chapter has less going on in it, but I liked it, so here it is. Hope you enjoy Tony's...thoughts? Also, all of Maddy's musings are definitely just Tony.

Maddy was staring at him.

Tony was pretty sure she shouldn't be that judgemental at, what, three months? She was on her baby blanket on the floor of his workshop because Jarvis had pointed out that putting her on the work surface was ten kinds of stupid.

In his defence, he was pretty sure, like, five different manuals had told him babies don't even turn over until at least six months. How was he to know squirming might as well be snail-paced marathoning? All she would have managed would've been cracking her skull on his screwdriver, which is neither an epic way to go, nor is it heroic.

If it wasn't either or, he'd informed her, it was beneath her.

"What're you looking at?" he said, calling her out. "Not all of us know the exact decay rate of meitnerium to the last second."

Which is why it'd blown up in his face when he'd started his next experiment. On the bright side, he could totally get enough bismuth to make that explosion happen at a faster rate without wasting anymore of his francium. That shit was hard to find.

DUM-E chose this moment to throw a fire blanket on Tony's head.

"Great timing, Dum-E." He should've made DUM-E understand sarcasm. It was just pathetic how happy he was with that. "Am I neglecting you?"

DUM-E clicked at him emphatically.

"Then stop saying that," chided Tony. "That much hero-worship just makes me feel guilty. It's not a good colour on me. Speaking of colours, Jarvis, what day is it?"

"It's Thursday, sir. Welcome back."

Tony blinked in mild shock. Huh. How long had he been down here?

He took this time to see five empty baby bottles scattered around Maddy's throne, with DUM-E giving her another. She was reaching her tiny fists for it, practically lifting herself off the absinthe blanket.

He walked over to DUM-E and took the bottle from him, lifting Maddy up and feeding her. She was tucked into his arms like a pistachio in its shell.

"Gah!" she squeaked, greedily sucking up the milk. Her dark hair were already curling at the ends, and she was staring at him again.

"Green means I've been here since the fourteenth," he said. "And it's the nineteenth. What am I supposed to be doing again?"

"Well, sir, you've ignored all twenty-five of Miss Potts' calls, you've missed two art gallery openings, a charity gala and the opening ceremony of the Stark Orphanage in the newly renamed Democratic Republic of Congo."

He winced. He hadn't planned on missing that last one. "It's right now, isn't it?"

"Yes, sir. By my calculations, if you were to leave now, you would reach your destination in fifteen hours and thirteen minutes. This is not accounting for the time it would take you to call Mrs Alksnis and her arrival time. In short, sir, you'll be very late, well out of the fashionable allowance."

"I'll update you without your sarcasm, I mean it," said Tony, perfectly aware he wouldn't.

"Of course, sir." And Jarvis knew it too.

He dithered about until Maddy finished her milk and then propped her onto his shoulder, putting her bottle next to the solder roll. He patted her a couple of times and she accommodatingly burped a tiny puff of air. He put her back in his arms and then gave her a scrutinising glance.

She looked back at him with equal scrutiny, as if telling him, yes, I burp daintily because I am a lady. You're so lucky I haven't cried even once in the last five days while you were completely ignoring me.

"I'm sorry," he said, and the words were easy to say because he was pretty sure she couldn't understand him. If she could, this would be a totally different matter. "Tell you what, maybe I'll get one of those baby slings and then you can coo in my ear when I'm supposed to be concentrating on not blowing stuff up, hm?"

"Sir, I feel that that might be ill-advised."

"Shush, I know what I'm doing." He didn't, but that had never stopped him before.

"Need I remind you that you just blew up highly radioactive chemicals because you neglected to observe basic lab safety?"

He waved Jarvis' perfectly reasonable objection. "That was only the third time. You worry too much."

"I—sir, Miss Potts is at the door."

Oh fuck. He looked at Maddy in panic and she, sensing his distress, smiled at him.

His world froze.

When Potts came in ready with a tirade, she saw her boss staring at his daughter like she held the secrets to the whole universe.

The last two months had been filled with calls to lawyers, court summons, and wanting to punch the smugness off of Stanley Griffith's smarmy face.

How was he to know Edith Coldman would make good on her threat to file a lawsuit against his delectable ass? It wasn't like he'd gotten to know her in the two weeks she'd been working for him.

Pepper was exasperated with him, but that wasn't anything new.

Now, however, that the lawyers he'd paid a hefty amount of money for something relatively simple had actually done their job, Tony could go back to ignoring the media without being labelled a heartless bastion of degeneracy.

Not that he wasn't, but it was the principle of the thing.

Point was, now that he was no longer under more public scrutiny than usual, he could finally take a well-deserved vacation to the club to get absolutely hammered while the Latvian nanny made sure Maddy didn't crack her head on anything.

Which she wouldn't do. DUM-E was more likely to do something, but there was no nanny in the world that would take up that job.

Not that Tony was hiring, but if he was, no one would be doing it.

That bot had an unhealthy fascination with the fire extinguisher. He blamed Rhodey.

He entered the noisiest club he could find and felt immediately in his element, adrenaline buzzing through him like that one time he took cocaine and couldn't stop pretending to be a hummingbird.

Rhodey liked to pretend it never happened, but the media most certainly didn't. It's a good thing Tony was shameless or it would've been a problem.

He swaggered over to the bar and pointed dismissively at the absinthe, feeling a weird craving for drinking poison, something he should probably look into except he didn't particularly want to get a therapist, especially after the last one told him he was a narcissist.

He was, but that was beside the point.

The bartender poured him a shot and he downed it instantly, asking for another one even as his insides burned.

He surveyed the room and immediately zeroed in on a blonde that looked really difficult to seduce.

Challenge accepted.

Tony sometimes went for the easy ones, but most of the time, cracking the hard ones was so much more fun. And he was all about fun.

What he hadn't anticipated was being completely wasted and still checking his phone constantly. Luckily, blondie hadn't noticed now that he'd got her high on far more tequila than the recommended amount, but this was just ridiculous.

A voice that sounded suspiciously like Jarvis was sardonically telling him that maybe he should have expected this.

Tony was ignoring the fact that he totally knew why he was checking his phone. His brain could kindly forget that he was a father for two fucking minutes so he could get laid, thank you very much.

It wasn't like he was the responsible type anyway.

He looked at blondie and said something flirty. She swayed but giggled drunkenly, leaning in for a kiss.

And just as things were getting heated up, his phone vibrated.

On a normal day, he totally wouldn't have noticed.

In fact, he would've gone out of his way to not notice.

He put a finger to blondie's lips and unlocked his phone with practised ease.

"Hello, you've reached the carebear hotline, how much will you be donating?"

"Mister Stark?" said his nanny uncertainly. Well, not his nanny, but his baby's nanny. Which amounted to the same thing because the woman made him lunch whenever she babysat.

"Yes, sweetheart?" he said, ignoring the look of irritation on blondie's face entirely. It wasn't even close to being effective. Pepper was far—

Noooo, he wasn't going to think about his secretary when he was two make-out sections to anal.

"My sister is in hospital now, emergency, and I have to leave. I can wait for five minutes before calling taxi."

Tony ignored blondie, who was now licking his neck.

The DJ decided to turn up the music just then. Everyone seemed more pumped up, and Tony really wanted to stay.

"Give me five, then," he said instead. "God, what do I even pay you for, Svetlana?"

"My name is not Svetlana, Mister Stark."

He pushed blondie off himself and gave her an apologetic smile. But since he was arrogance personified, it just came off as condescending.

"Listen, I've gotta bail, but I had a wonderful time talking about your dog."

She pouted. "I don't haaaaave a dog…?"

"Raccoon, then," he amended, paying his tab and throwing on his shades.

He shouldn't be driving drunk, really, but since when did rules apply to him? Besides, if he could build a functional advanced artificial intelligence nearly blacked out at sixteen, then he could drive a car back home.

That was his reasoning and he was sticking to it.

He nodded at the bouncer, who he was pretty sure was one of Happy's old friends but he didn't have the greatest memory after absinthe, and slid into his car.

While most people wouldn't drive in the middle of the night with shades on, Tony wasn't one of them. He was outside the box, so outside in fact that he could probably not even find his way back into it if he tried.

Why was he thinking about boxes again?

Oh, whoops, he just ran a red light. In his defence, it was kind of orange, and carrots have those green things sticking out at the top, so it was nearly green.

Which made it a green light for Tony, because he was awesome.

Parallel parking was beyond him when he was sober. But he got this unnecessary need to parallel park his car in his own driveway.

Don't question it, he told himself, just giving into the urge with all the caution of a gay giraffe. Or Ace Ventura.

Hehe, pet detective. Waaaait, didn't he have a pet raccoon? Or was it a tiny monkey?

What was it with people and tiny monkeys?

"Maybe I should get a tiny monkey…"

He parallel-parked so well he should've gotten an Oscar for it. Not that there was a category for parallel-parking, but maybe he should get one instated.

What it really boiled down to was, Tony deserved an Oscar.

He looked less drunk than he was as he walked through the front door. "Evening, Jarvis," he slurred dutifully.

"Good evening, sir. Mrs Alksnis is waiting for you in the private drawing room."

"Thanks, Jar. Hey, are there any enchiladas in the fridge?" he asked, walking swiftly to the living room.

"No, sir. Would you like me to order some?"

"You're a gem," he said. "I think I might have heartburn."

But he chose to ignore the burning in his chest in favour of dramatically bursting into the drawing room he brought people into when he didn't like them.

Not that he didn't like Svetlana, but she hadn't made it to his inner list, and he was pretty sure if he ever got paranoid enough, he'd have more than just Jarvis monitoring her every move.

He didn't trust easy. It wasn't the absinthe talking. He'd given her access to the second kitchen, but that was about it.

"Honey, I'm home!" he said, grin affixed on his face.

The Latvian nanny looked unamused. Maddy was in her arms, silently staring at her nanny's mole. She didn't even flinch at Tony's loud entrance, so used to Metallica blaring through the speakers in the workshop.

Her expression, Tony was certain, was saying, how is that even allowed on a face? Poor thing needs cosmetic surgery for that. But I'm perfect because Starks are perfect. Also, my skin is awesome, thanks for noticing.

"You're welcome, sugarplum."

"What?" asked his nanny, before choosing not to question it. "Well, Mister Stark, I have fed Maddison and changed her diapers. I will be taking my leave now."

"Say hi to your sister from me," he said as he took Maddy from her hands.

She gave him a flat look. "She's in a coma."

Huh. "Say hi to your comatose sister, then."

She gave him a thoroughly disgusted look and walked out the door, and then out of his house.

Compassion wasn't really his thing.

Maddy gurgled in agreement, reaching her tiny arms up to touch his face curiously, a tiny smile on her face.

Tony was completely drunk, and he was horny.

He should've cared more about that then he did.

"Far more trouble than you're worth, you know that? I do not enjoy cold showers. Boiling hot or nothing, but no, you have to be entirely dependent on a human adult so now I can't even fuck anyone. Silly Maddy."

She gurgled, as if saying, well, you didn't expect me not to turn your world upside down, did you? I'm a girl, and I'm a commitment. Duh I was going to mess up your life, and I don't care.

Tony grinned, kissing her forehead and carrying her up to the roof.

He talked his voice out about literally anything that came to mind, from dancing polar bears to a love story between his tiny screwdriver and the sentient toaster, collapsed in a drunken heap next to Maddy's attentive gurgling self, and she yawned, patted her father's messy hair, and joined him.

It was a good thing Pepper showed up in the morning when she did, or Tony would've puked all over his daughter.

It wasn't the first time Maddy messed up his plans.

It was a good thing Tony didn't mind, or that could've been a problem.

The empty was less empty somehow.

Yay for the sentient toaster! Blondie made it home safely, if anyone's curious. Mrs Alksnis' first name is actually Ksenija, but Tony doesn't care. Thoughts?