The Life Of A Crustacean
before he would do nothing except play minecraft, watch youtube, and talk to us
now he doesnt talk to us
so hes literally just wasting away playing minecraft and youtube forever
and drinking soda
eating raw burgers
moaning loudly at all times
tickling neptunes back and groaning
using desk shit to paint ariana's name on the wall
he sings his original lyrics to various undertale songs while chugging down coffee
all thats heard is drowning
hes spitting up coffee everywhere
it gets on his expensive keyboard
he throws it at the wall out of frustration
his dad calls him
"Son what would you like for dinner"
'um i dont know, yes, no, maybe?'
"Ethan that doesn't answer the question"
he throws his phone on the floor
his dad sighs
he slides a giant pink wet burger under crusts bedroom door and calls it a night
crust gets on all fours and starts tearing it apart like a wolf
crusts dad tries to sleep but howls echo through the house
crust is playing his favourite game
wolfquest
he stares at the wolf bum as they go to the rendezvous site
he gets an IDEA
"GOOGLE, BECOME A WOLF SPELL"
he stumbles upon a fanfiction where some dude becomes a wolf and then gets fucked
he thinks its wikipedia
he desperately starts trying to break his bones into the shape of a wolf
it doesnt work because thats physically impossible
so he sighs and just shoves a wolftail buttplug up his ass
"people must just hate me..." he says all edgy
"heh... its sad, bc they will never see me at my best.."
he quickly straightens up and sprints to his wardrobe
its right next to him but it doesnt matter
he swings the doors open and it smashes into the wall
inside there is one item
his RAINBOW HEART SUIT
crust lets out a hearty "REEEEEEEEEE"
he rips his rainbow heart suit off of its hanger and puts it on
in reality, its just one of those skintight white bodysuits that covers your entire body
he drew a heart on it with a pink marker
he dons his outfit and begins rolling and screaming
"I, THE RAINBOW WOLF OF THE NIGHT, WILL PROTECT EVERY DOG LIKE ANIMAL THERE IS!"
he launches himself out his window in a failed attempt at a backflip
his dad comes in and boards up the window
crust runs off and tries to swing from trees like spiderman
"but WAIT"
he rubs his chin
"I am the WOLF OF THE NIGHT..."
he starts humping the tree instead
theres a hornets nest at the top of the tree
his powerful thrusting causes the nest to shake around
the hornets are agitated
crust looks up and squints
"why dont die bee..." he mutters to himself
he walks over to a big mud puddle
he lies in it and buries himself inside of it like those frogs do when they hibernate
he waits for months
one day some kids are playing football outside
the ball lands on crusts patch
one of the kids comes over to pick it up but notices something
its a pair of heart headphones?
he tries to take them
suddenly crust starts screeching at the top of his lungs
"EEEEEEEEEEEE"
the kids run in fear
they leave the ball
his eyes twinkle
this is his chance
to be a real dog?
crust leaps up
he shakes the mud off of him like a good dog
he runs over to the ball
but wait
neptunes already at the ball
he has it in his mouth
crust sees the opportunity
he walks over on all fours to neppers
he puts his mouth on the ball too
neptune is confused
crust starts moving his mouth closer to neptunes mouth
just as their lips are about to touch neptune lets go of the ball and walks away
crust stares at him, tears in his eyes
"WHY DO YOU HATE ME?"
"IM SORRY I CAN'T CHANGE, THERES ONLY SO MUCH A 13 YEAR OLD CAN DO!"
he starts running on 3 legs
its inbetween 4 and 2
he can't decide if he is human or not?
crust runs to his house
and breaks through the door
only to see...
SIMANGO?
simango stares at crust
his eyes are large and weary
all he can do is look in silence
"eW" crust screams
he wipes the dirt and dog shit off of his rainbow heart suit and prepares for battle
simango just stares
crust naruto runs at simango and starts trying to possess him
it doesnt work because he isnt a ghost
simango looks deep into his eyes
crust shivers
"simango ur jus"
"ur smelly"
crust starts rolling on the floor laughing?/
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Simango kicks him in the head and leaves
after his fit crust sits up and looks around
and in the distance
there he sees it
his pride and joy
Crust Cliff
"DIS IS HOW I GET MY REVENGE?" crust screams
he throws himself off of the cliff
hes ready to become a ghost
but its not a cliff at all
its just his basement stairs
he literally just leaped down a staircase and broke his arm
crust starts screaming and rolling around
his family doesnt think hes in pain because he always screams and rolls around
the basement is dark and dusty
crust is rolling around screaming, and then he sees a figure
its neptune
neptune glares at him
"GOOD BOY! YOU'VE COME TO SAVE ME RITE?"
he grabs crust by the ankle and starts flinging him around the room
crust just moans
but them
then*
neptune brings out the coffee machine
"NO!1"
he holds one of crusts knife covers up to it
crust starts hyperventilating
he quickly looks around the basement for something to help
and then he sees it
a pile of desk shit
in the corner
he quickly grabs it and hurls it at neptune
it hits neptune in the side
it doesnt really hurt but neptune gets annoyed and a little grossed out so he trots off
some of the shit gets in crusts coffee maker
but its ok because crust uses shit instead of coffee grounds anyway
crust starts stroking the machine while whispering
"no one will ever hurt you while I'M here..."
he licks all over it
it's gross and dirty because he doesn't wash anything
he grabs his trusty baby carrier and places the coffee machine inside before attaching it to himself
crus makes his way upstairs to see his parents
they're being cool people drinking all crusts soda
'You know I think we should start saving money to help with ethans college funds...'
"stupid family...they hate me so much"
he throws expensive vases everywhere to prove his point
his family doesnt even notice because theyve grown so used to him destroying shit
crust looks deep into his coffee makers eyes
"they jus dun understand..."
"idc about some dumb cooleg..."
"what i RLLY want is the complete fnaf franchise ,_,"
the coffee maker makes a beeping noise
its a maintenance warning because its clogged with shit
a tear leaks out of crusts eye
"i...i love u 2 coffee maker..."
the coffee maker beeps again
crust makes a scrunched up confused face
"um?"
"awkward?"
"i didnt mean it like THAT?"
"i was JK?"
he kisses the coffee maker on the weird spout hole
the coffee maker beeps one last time
"bb?"
it explodes in crusts hands
he starts screaming
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"WHY CRUEL WORLD?"
"I AM SO DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW"
he runs to his room and slams the door shut
he grabs the knife cover and holds it to his neck
"goodbye..."
but then he looks at his computer
he has discord notifications
he clicks on it
"ugh, it's just THOSE two -w-"
his "friends" are writing fanfictions again
"y do they always kiss me, its rly annoying"
crust decides to type "o" because he loves his friends
but wait
he forgot he was depressed
he changes his discord name to "literally human trash who should die ;3"
THEN he types "o"
they ignore him because theyre busy typing about mario getting his nose pulled off by a witch and hes just kind of interrupting
so he sits for 5 hours and watches
eventually they stop talking
"omg? they totally ignored me?" crust thinks
"its time to up my depression game"
he tapes the knife holder to his chin
he holds his phone an inch away from his face
he takes a selfie and posts it on ig
with the caption "gimme 1 gud reson y i shouldn jus end it all"
he also tags ariana just in case
crust sits and waits for someone to comment
finally he gets notified
he springs up in his chair and grabs his phone again
its from ariana
"o that bish.."
'Ethan, please stop tagging me in every picture you upload. We haven't been dating for 6 months you need to move on'(edited)
crust stares at the screen
he is REALLY angry
he rushes to discord and starts ranting about her
calling her a bish and saying "funi stories"
crusts friends mostly ignore him
"theyre just haters... dab"
he turns on dnd and tells them not to ping him
even though he doesnt
get pings
?
crust watches aphmau for 6 hours
he writes down every single word she says and hangs it on his aphmau wall
then he decides to check discord again
his "friends" have been pinging him for the past hour
it says a bunch of dumb memes like "we need your help with something" and "please you need to join us its important"
crust just groans really loudly
he links the aphmau video he was watching without context
but then he realizes...
his friends have linked the aphmau wiki
they know he stole all her characters and storyline
sweat dribbles down his cheek as excuses race through his mind
crust begins to type "o" before stopping
it won't work this time.
"MY DAD IS MAKING ME DO CHORES K?"
One of his friends replies stating "but you're playing minecraft"
crust begins melting
he's running out of excuses
"UHH, I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE CLOSING MC?"
10 minutes pass
a message pops up
he slowly turns his head and his eyes light up
'Hey crust, how are those chores you were supposedly doing?'
"o im done."
a big wretched smile crosses his face, they've forgotten about his entire roleplay he stole
'Ok, now you're done. Do you have time to explain?'
"Yeah you are free now right?"
'You know, there's no excuse not to answer us anymore.'
He stares at the screen
epic anime symbols everyhere
"n-nani?" he whispers to himself
he starts trying to hoke but they don't let him
"yeah well, jus so u no...i dun h8 u, u just h8 me"
he smashes his computer and runs into the sunset.
This was his story.
now fuck off i'm tired