Fair Ground.

Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs people who are not me. I am making £0.00 out of this fic, it is written purely because I have a burning need to create. Although I would like to own Alucard . . . then he'd be mine.

Rating: Teen and up – due to depictions of violence and child death.

Authoress note: this is a very tenacious and an odd little idea. But it won't leave me be.

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Chapter Four

"You. Are. Cruel." Alucard said slowly.

"Hardly," Walter muttered, "and I'm getting pretty tired of you calling me that. I happen to be a very kind and forgiving person."

"Then why are you trying to make me do this?" Alucard said.

"I said forgiving not forgetful, and you have yet to ask for forgiveness," Walter said smirking.

"Would forgiveness mean I didn't have to do this?" Alucard asked.

"No." Walter's smirk became a smile. "But it would no longer be a malicious act, rather an emotionless consequence of your actions."

"Well then," Alucard growled. "You can stick your forgiveness up your …"

"Master!" Seras snapped. "Don't say that to Walter!"

"Why shouldn't I say that to Walter, he's being uncommonly cruel," Alucard glared at the aging butler who was still grinning.

"It is pretty unkind Walter," Seras said softly.

"Nonsense, you are thinking of this from your own stand point, if I were to do this to you then yes it would be very cruel, and I would not do so. However, your master here is made of tougher stuff and he needs to understand that when he is an arse about something there will be consequences." Walter sat down at the table. "Besides, I don't understand why you're being such a baby about it, I've seen you eat people whole."

"People, not hotdogs," Alucard grumbled glaring at the plate of hotdogs in front of him.

"Fully clothed people," Walter stressed. "With wallets and keys in their pockets. It's a wonder you don't bring up pellets."

"Pellets?" Seras asked.

"Like an owl, they swallow their prey whole as well, and later cough up little pellets made up of the prey's bones, fur and anything else's that's not digestible."

"I'm not an owl," Alucard snapped.

"So, you're telling me you digest keys?" Walter said.

"One time I ate keys!" Alucard said his voice getting louder. "And you saw what happened."

"Oh, this I have to hear," Seras leaned forward, her elbows on the table.

"When integra's father was head of the family," Walter began. "He pulled a traitor to the crown before him, he summoned Alucard and myself and several others that he suspected of being traitors but could not prove beyond reasonable doubt of wrongdoing."

"He could have proven it if he'd let me follow them," Alucard said.

"You're not as subtle as you think you are, people tend to notice giant red eyed shadows following them around," Walter muttered before turning back to face Seras. "To keep a long and boring story short, he commanded Alucard to eat the traitor in front of the suspected conspirators. I believe to terrify them into …well I'm not certain."

"Probably just to terrify them, Arthur had a sadistic sense of humour." Alucard said grinning. "I liked him for that at least."

"Anyway," Walter glared at the interruption. "Once the deed was done, Arthur spoke to the remaining men, giving a speech about the fate of traitors. When about a minute or two into the speech Alucard starts coughing, not just a little tickle either, but like he was trying to cough up his own heart." Walter laughed at the memory, Alucard had the decency to look mortified. "Arthur turns to him but before he can say anything, a set of bloody keys comes flying out of your master's mouth and hurtle across Arthurs desk."

"They got stuck," Alucard shrugged. "You ever have a set of keys stuck in your throat, I'd like to see you tolerate it any better."

"I managed to keep my composure," Walter said. "One of the men fainted however."

"Gross," Seras muttered.

"But back to the point at hand," Walter said. "These cannot possibly be any worse than that."

"Keys aren't gross," Alucard said. "They're just metal."

"You eat people whole Alucard, shoes, coats, underwear the lot," Walter picked up a hotdog and put it in the vampire's hand.

"Just think of England," Seras smiled. "Besides hotdogs are nice."

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Alucard sighed at Walter who shook his head. The ancient monster rolled his eyes and opening his jaw obscenely wide swallowing the offending food item in one go. "Happy now?"

"Next," Walter gestured to the plate where three more hotdogs remained.

"What!" Alucard snapped.

"How much did you let Miss Victoria eat before she was sick? You are supposed to know better and are, sadly, supposed to be looking after her. You're irresponsible and selfish. Eat the hotdog."

"Eating a hot dog isn't going to make me any less irresponsible or selfish," Alucard muttered, Seras had a sudden mental image of what her master must have been like as a teenager and snorted.

"I know," Walter said. "But I said, if you made me make the damn things I was going to make you eat them. I let it go until I found out that you made poor Seras sick. Now eat."

"You're a formidable opponent Walter," Seras grinned.

"You haven't seen me get started yet," Walter smiled widely, Seras raised an eyebrow. "There's at least ten more in the fridge."

End fic

A silly end to a silly story, I hope it made you smile at least 😊

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