2012

I was pacing back and forth backstage, trying to shake off my anxiety before I head off to the stage. There were hundreds of great singers surrounding me and a couple hundred more about to move on to the next round. My anxiety's starting to get the best of me, telling me that I won't be able to impress the judges like the others did. That my singing is just average compared to these great ones surrounding me. I could almost feel the contents of my breakfast from this morning bubbling up my stomach when I heard a raspy voice going through the audition. It compelled my pacing to stop and prompted me to look at the stage where a brunette slightly taller than me speaks confidently with the judges. She tells her name to Simon; Lauren Jauregui and that she recently turned sixteen.

I was immediately smitten and in awe with the way she carried herself, with the grace she spoke her words, with the confidence exuding from her stature. Lauren Jauregui is a confident girl even at sixteen where majority of teenagers experience the melancholic hold of insecurity that basically destroys every trace of a self-esteem.

And when she sings I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys, I was a goner. A total, absolute, goner. Her voice is so powerful, raw, and breathtaking that even some of the contestants backstage stopped to look and listen at the angel pouring her feelings while singing on stage. She was ethereal, she looked divine. She captured the audience and trapped the judges under her spell, including me. I couldn't look away from her, I wouldn't. She pulled me in and I know– I know that I wouldn't be able to draw back from this anymore.

She got 4 yeses, meaning she'll be going on to the next round. That she'll be another one great singer I'd have to look out for in the midst of a hundred more. I gulped unconsciously, already second guessing my ability once more and contemplating on just trying again next year instead of persevering when I saw Lauren striding over.

I racked my brain on what to say before she completely passes me and came up with a hurried, "I like your shirt!"

I internally cringed at the lame and completely dorky compliment, already berating and bracing myself from the inevitable dirty look I'm about to receive from this goddess when instead she replied with something that surprised me.

"Thanks! I like yours too!" She smiled politely, and I noticed that her eyes were green.. gorgeous emeralds that I could lose myself in.

I tried to stutter out a reply but before anything could come out, she was already walking over to a large group. Probably her family and friends who accompanied her to show their support. I noticed the way she threw her head back to laugh and the melodious sound of it. How she unconsciously tosses her hair in an anxious manner and how she bites her lip before voicing out her thoughts. I sighed audibly and smiled to myself.

Yep, I am a total goner.

2013

I never expected myself to be in a girl group, I never wanted to be in a girl group. But when life throws you something, all you could really do is ride through it.

It has been a year since I auditioned as a solo artist and came out as a member of a girl group called Fifth Harmony, and although I never really dreamt to be in one, it doesn't hurt tosay that I couldn't have done it without these girls– especially Camila —by my side.

After that faithful day backstage where we first got to talk to each other, I started to notice her a lot. She was always near my vicinity, either listening to music with her big ass headphones or talking to her mom. It was after we were put together as a group when we learned that we were both Cuban and started to really hang out with each other. We were inseparable and even though we were close with the rest of the girls, we both hold each other at a certain level that neither the rest are in par with.

We grew quite comfortable with each other and learned that we're both affectionate and always has to have someone to be skin on skin with. Which puts us in our current position.

I am sitting on our kitchen counter in our apartment in LA, mindlessly scrolling through my twitter while the other girls are busy making some chocolate chipped cookies when Camila walked over to me. She stood in front of me and in close proximity, curiously glancing at my phone with a cute expression on her face. I didn't bother looking up and just asked a bored, "what?"

She didn't answer me but instead, she pried my legs apart and settled herself comfortably between them. She reached behind her for my arms then slung it casually around her shoulders then leaned her back on me, perfectly snuggling her petite self.

"Camren snuggle." She whispered conspiratorially, while looking directly at me and wiggling her eyebrows in mischief.

I snorted then fondly smiled at her before going back on what I was looking at on my phone. She snuggled closer then sighed in relaxation, shoulder muscles loosening its tension. I absentmindedly rested my chin on her shoulder and my cheek on her ear, then tightened my embrace on her lithe form.

This kind of moment is anything but foreign for the two of us and it certainly isn't a big deal. We've always been affectionate with each other and blinded by the knowing looks from our bandmates.

It shouldn't be a big deal, really. We've always snuggled together. We've always kissed each other's cheek just because. We've always regarded the other with a certain affectionate tone, because that's how best friends act, right? But then.. why am I experiencing butterflies when I'm near her and why do I feel upset when she's talking to a boy that clearly likes her? Why do I think of her before I sleep, and why do I always look for her in a crowded room? Why?

2014

We are doing a photoshoot for our debut album cover and I am absolutely fangirling over the stage lights and cool professional cameras surrounding the studio we're in. I can't help but be amazed at the crew hurriedly buzzing around and the make up artists fussing over us. It still isn't my turn for hair and make up so I am just comfortably sitting at one of the couches in the studio with my phone on hand when I noticed that Lauren is nowhere to be seen.

I got up and walked over to the bathroom to see if she was there hiding from all the hype of the atmosphere when I first saw Dinah on my way and asked her if she saw Lauren.

"Yeah, she's at the parking lot actually. Probably talking with some fans." She shrugged nonchalantly then went on the direction she was going, probably to Normani to talk about nails.

I changed the course of my direction and went out to the parking lot to try and look for Lauren when I spotted her, just like as how Dinah said she would be, surrounded by three fans engaging with her and asking for a picture. I strode to them hurriedly with exuberance clouding my step. A girl with a pair of round glasses first saw me. Her face brightened with delight and she greeted me with an overzealous, "Hi!"

I greeted her with as much enthusiasm then snaked my arms around Lauren's waist, encapsulating her in an affectionate back hug, I threw an affectionate smile on her way and whispered an intimate, "hi, lolo." I was expecting a cheek kiss for a greeting, her usual way of exchanging pleasantries with me, but instead I felt her stiffen and her spine go rigid. Her countenance displayed a mix of discomfort, horror, and worry which baffled me to an extent where my smile slowly faded. She broke out of my embrace then chuckled awkwardly.

"Hi, Camz." She said wearily, her eyes going back and forth between the fans and me. Looking so worried over something that I can't put my finger on.

Sensing the tension in the air, the three girls tried to dispel the awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere that Lauren created while I stood there eyeing the green-eyed brunette in uncertainty and confusion. The three asked for a quick 'camren' picture in which we acquiesced to but I noticed Lauren tensing when we were called by the ship name our fans dabbed as with. Unable to dismiss this strange behavior, I asked her what was wrong and if I did something to make her so.. uncomfortable around me but all she did was shake her head weakly before sending me a weak smile.

"It's nothing, Camz. Come on." She replied in a placating tone, trying to hide her agitation but I could clearly see it in her eyes. Opting to just ignore the display, I reached for her hand in which she squeezed affectionately once our palms touched.

I sighed in relief when she tightened her hold on my hand, assuming that what happened earlier was just her anxiety acting up again but the warning bells blaring loudly in my head told me otherwise.

2015

I never really planned to drive Camila away from me but the fans were starting to draw out imaginary circles and come up with impossible conclusions about our relationship that exceeds past friendship. I was mostly okay with it; with the fanfics, the manips, the loud hollering whenever we're seen together, the almost awkward way we have to explain our relationship every interview because they mistook it as an actual romantic relationship, I handled it all albeit uncomfortably and with obvious agitation and anxiety whenever the subject is brought up. What really drew the straw for me was when some fan edited my profile in Wikipedia and changed my sexuality and said I was bisexual. It shocked me. It left me flabbergasted that people think I'm not straight, it scared me to know that they see and acknowledge my feelings for Camila when I'm only just slowly coming to terms with it, it scared me to see that they know more than I, myself, know about me, but most of all, it angered me that they would try and make it official when I'm not even that. When I don't even know if I'm really like that. It felt entirely invasive, like they were trying to manipulate my life. Trying to dictate my own choices, trying to take a hold of my ability to make decisions for myself. Trying to sabotage my career, like their constant hate and castigation isn't enough. Like the amount of times I was criticized for my weight isn't enough. Like how in every photo of the five of us in the studio, I'll always see a few hundred people saying I don't deserve to be in Fifth Harmony. Like the amount of self-loathing they're inflicting on me, isn't enough. They just had to manipulate everything in my life. They just had to get ahead of me and my sexuality to make their lesbian fantasies come true.

The last couple of months in 2014 and the beginning of 2015 was hard for me. Everything erupted in a short span of time. I felt like everyone was against me that I even drove away the only person who never left my side in every castigation and beration from twitter trolls and instagram posers, in every stressful day and anxiety inducing crowd. I never expected for our friendship to be so.. strained. Camila and I.. we used to be inseparable. We used to be more comfortable around each other, but lately she's hanging out more with Dinah than me. Our conversations turned awkward and lackluster. Our smiled turned forced. The lingering looks are now painted with longing and with every graze of our hand there's an underlying secret. Seeing us now, it's hard to imagine that less than a year ago we were inseparable.

Christmas is in a week and we are on our way home to Miami. Since Camila and I share the same hometown, flying together is inevitable. I am sitting on one of the hard chairs in the airport, waiting for our flight to be called while Camila is chatting away with a fan a few feet away from me. I occasionally look over at the two talking animatedly just because. I could almost hear the overexcited Hi's and the overwhelming gratitude they give us whenever they see us. The inevitable, "can we take a picture?" and the sound of a camera shutter. Every fan meeting follows the same routine that it was really starting to get old hence why I'm more enthusiastic to talk with the fans who actually holds a conversation with me rather than the ones who only asks for a picture to show off to their friends.

After the thank yous and polite goodbyes, Camila began walking towards me and I pretended to busy myself with whatever it is on my phone like I wasn't just watching her interact with a fan a few seconds ago. She slumped on the hard and almost uncomfortable plastic chair with a tired sigh. I looked at her discreetly before averting my eyes.

"You could just ignore them, you know?" I said disinterestedly, trying so hard to uphold my blasé facade I've put up ever since we started to drift apart.

She just waved a hand dismissively, "nah, I love our fans and I know they only mean well."

I looked at her once again, eyeing her sloppy bun and tired eyes, obviously sleep deprived, and I can't help but be in awe with how huge this girl's heart is. I was tempted to brush back a loose hair behind her ear, something I would've done so casually before, but restrained myself given the circumstances between us and our strained friendship. Plus the fact that I'm trying so desperately to move on and forget my feelings for Camila because I know she's straight and there's no way in hell she feels the same way.

I shook my head in exasperation then focuses my attention on the screen of my phone. I saw Camila look at me with mild interest with her chin on her hand and her eyes boring holes at the side of my face.

"What are you doing, anyway?" She asked curiously, her head canted.

"Just scrolling through Tumblr." I answered casually, internally delighted that she's starting a conversation with me instead of sitting in silence.

She hummed in thought and I can't help but look at her eyes which were still directed at me. "Let's take Sofi to the Aquarium this weekend."

Shocked by the invitation, I can't help but gape at her in disbelief. Months of distant hellos and lackluster conversation, tensed silence and awkward laughter, I couldn't believe she would even want to hang out with me on our only vacation.

I stuttered out an agreement in which she replied with a beaming smile. I stared at her for a few moments before directing my eyes on my phone once again, we sat in comfortable silence while waiting for our flight.

That weekend, we did take Sofia to the Aquarium and we both enjoyed each other's company. It was like our friendship before, no awkwardness and tensed silence. No forced smiles and distance. We held hands while walking, we fed each other food we bought that we wanted the other to try. It was like... a date, if it weren't for Sofi who we made sure is always where we could see her. It felt natural and good. I even got to call her 'Camz' a few times and we even shared a hysterical laugh over the sea lions. Her gesture were all affectionate and her eyes displayed unbridled happiness. My chest feels light because her and every time our hands touch my heart beats a little faster.

It made me wonder.. is this what it would feel like to be loved by Camila?

2016

I thought we were okay.. I thought we were starting to be okay but after our day at the Aquarium, Lauren just vanished under my radar. She didn't answer my calls nor responded to my texts and even if I want to go over at their house, I can't help but feel like she wouldn't like me to be there.

When we went back to L.A, she didn't even spare me a glance. I was confused with the sudden 180 change. I tried to talk to her but all she did was say, "It's nothing. We're fine." It broke my heart to be regarded with little to no attention by the love of my life. I planned to tell her my feelings but with her sudden disappearance and the amount of distance she had put between us when we're finally together, I couldn't even grab a chance to tell her.

It left me frustrated and upset. It was then that I became distant with all the other girls including Lauren, I ditched get-togethers and concert visits. I started to work on my own music and because of the collaboration with Shawn, it gave me more leverage than the other girls. I was more famous than them, more known by the general people. The label started putting me on work with various artists, started planning my solo career, and I did nothing to talk this out with my bandmates. I stayed mum and distant. This is how Normani started to regard me with animosity and how Ally no longer gives me her warm smiles. Dinah still occasionally asks me about my side projects outside of the group and Lauren continues to ignore me albeit she acts civil with me when we're in front of fans or in a public place.

It broke me to acknowledge the fact that I became an outsider from the group, that I no longer felt like I belonged. Every time I walk in the room there's always a tensed pause like they didn't want to let me know what they were talking about before I arrived. This made me upset that I started to hold a grudge against my own bandmates.

I only ever hang out with Ashlee with my guitar because I couldn't take the tensed atmosphere whenever the five of us are in the same room so I made sure to steer clear away from them whenever we're in the confines of the studio or tour bus.

Lauren and I never got to work through our issues. I didn't bother to make an effort anymore because it was clear that she doesn't care as much as I do about our destroyed friendship. I tried to move on from my feelings but found myself stuck and unable to move from the myriad of emotions I feel for her. While I contemplate the what ifs and could haves, she just cruises through the day like I don't even exist.

It was on November when I learned that she's in a relationship with Lucy Vives. I was livid beyond reason while the vile grip of jealousy was gnawing at my insides. It was also for that reason that I made an impulsive decision. I decided to sign a solo contract without informing my bandmates about the situation. I pretended like I just didn't left them to fend for themselves and went through our every concerts scheduled for the year with ease and enthusiasm I usually carry on stage.

When December came and our last show for the year is only a few hours away, our management sat us down and told the other four that I won't be continuing as a member of the girl group next year.. that I would be a solo artist after this last show. They were baffled and upset beyond words. Normani stormed off, muttering something about knowing this would happen. Ally regarded me with a disappointed sigh and Dinah just stared at me in pain with a look of betrayal. But Lauren– Lauren was livid. She forced me to stand up and pulled me towards an empty room. She slammed the door in anger which resulted for the whole room to rattle from the force of her aggravation. She paced back and forth, her eyes burning a fiery anger that was seeing for the first time.

"What is this– what do you think our lives are– the work we've put in this group; a sick joke?!" She yelled angrily, breaths heavy and eyes dark.

I stayed silent, averting my eyes from her.

"God, Camila! Could you just for once, say something?! I'm so fucking tired of your silence! Couldn't you have talked to us first?! Talked to me?!"

I scoffed in disbelief, she has the audacity to demand I talk to her when she's the one who doesn't want to in the first place. "Talk to you?! You couldn't even spare me a glance! You couldn't even regard me in just a moment! I tried talking to you at the start of the year! Fuck– I tried to talk to you 2 years ago! But what, you kept ignoring me and putting as much distance between us as you could! I tried, for 2 years, to tell you I love you but you were always so busy worrying over what people might think when we're seen together! I tried telling you that it's fine and there's nothing you need to be afraid of but you were too busy being blinded by your own fear to see that I was also hurting! I thought that you just don't feel the same way but only a fool will believe that because everyone can see how you are with me, Lauren! I could see how you are with me. I tried to talk to you Lauren.. I tried but you were constantly breaking free from my grasp." My voice were lowering into a whisper until I choked back a sob. I bit my lip to prevent more from erupting and to hold back the tears threatening to fall down.

Lauren stood in stunned silence, unable to form a reply. She opened then closed her mouth but no words came out. I glared at her for a second before stalking towards the door but she held my wrist to stop me from my tracks.

"I never knew you loved me." She whispered weakly, her voice shaking.

I sighed in defeat and turned around to face her. Silent tears were trickling down her cheek and I restrained myself from reaching out and brushing away her tears.

"Camz, I– I–" she gulped audibly, probably forcing down a sob threatening to break out. "I loved you too and I still do." She confessed quietly but her words were laced with regrets, her tone spoke defeat because we both know that we won't be able to act upon our feelings given the complications.

"I know but it's too late for us now, Lauren. We can't– I can't do this anymore. You already have Lucy." Tears were racing down my cheeks and my voice adopted a defeated and weak tone. My shoulders were sagged like I carry the world's problems and my chest feels so heavy.

She sobbed loudly while nodding her head in agreement. We're not fools, we both know we can't. We both understand the consequences if we act on our feelings.

I reached out to cup her cheek and brush her tears away, she leaned into my touch and the softness of her skin broke my restrain. I pulled her in a fierce kiss and she reciprocated eagerly.

The kiss was full of regret, anger, and sadness. There was nothing sweet about that kiss, nothing I imagined our first would be. I kissed her with full of passion and she did the same. We poured all of our emotions into that kiss hence why when we pulled apart, our lips were both swollen and bruised and our breaths were labored. I rested my forehead on hers for a few seconds while both of my hands were cupping her wet cheeks, I pulled away then opened my eyes.

"I love you, Lauren but it's already too late. Goodbye." I said in pain before separating from her completely and walking out of the room.

I left her there, crying while she left me with thousands of what ifs and could haves, thoughts of could have beens if we just had been more brave, thoughts of what might be if we were both not cowards and as I was walking away from that room I couldn't help but ask; how am I going to move on from this completely?