Alex has seen Olivia down before. She's seen her beaten, bruised, devastated, and nearly crazed with grief and anger.

But the woman who steps into her office now is a different level of broken than Alex has ever witnessed. Olivia looks bone tired. She seems on the brink of collapse.

She looks like a mother who almost lost her son to a woman she'd trusted.

Alex doesn't suppose there is anything worse than that.

"You didn't have to come," she says, watching as the detective barely keeps herself from collapsing into the seat in front of her desk. "I told Fin to tell you there was no need-"

"I know," she says, and then, "Sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off."

She pulls herself up a little taller in her chair. "Thanks for seeing me."

"Of course!" Alex reigns in the part of her sentence that includes telling Olivia that she would move any meeting at all to be able to see her. "I've already scheduled Chambers. I'll recuse myself tomorrow morning."

Olivia shakes her head. "I don't want you to recuse yourself," she says softly.

"What?" Alex is sure that she hasn't heard correctly.

"I want you to take the case," Olivia says, looking her in the eye for the first time since entering. "I want you to prosecute."

Alex doesn't answer right away. Olivia Benson has not said one word to her since they parted ways almost five months ago. To now be telling Alex she wants her to prosecute the woman responsible for the abduction of her son seems like a massive change of heart.

"I'll have to talk to Noah," She says slowly, testing the waters.

Olivia nods. "I know," she answers directly.

"And I'll have to prep you."

Something flashes across Olivia's face too quickly for Alex to pin down.

"That's fine. I want you to be the one who handles it. Will the judge allow it?"

Alex nods, not taking her eyes off of Olivia. "Even if Sheila's lawyer calls it a conflict of interest it isn't. I'm not defending her, so there's not a reason I have to be impartial. I have to prosecute to the fullest extent that the charges allow. And that's what I'd do. For anyone," she adds, hoping to make the other woman look up at her again.

Instead, it seems like Olivia has almost fallen asleep with her eyes open. She stares at a spot on Alex's desk and doesn't move, even when the counselor stands and walks to kneel beside her.

"Olivia." It's Alex's hand on the Sergeant's shoulder that makes her jump, not the calling over her name.

"Jesus," she says, her eyes darting around to find Alex next to her. "I'm sorry," she says. "I zoned out there for a second."

Up close, the make-up doesn't hide the circles under her eyes, or the ragged part of her lip that she's no doubt been worrying for weeks.

"When was the last time you actually rested?" Alex asks. She expects Olivia to dodge the question, but to her surprise, the brunette runs a hand across her eyes, a tired smile tugging her mouth upwards.

"Well," she says wryly. "Noah is seven, so…"

So it is a brush off, then.

Alex makes a disapproving sound. "You know that's not what I mean, Olivia. I mean when was the last time since this nightmare began that you shut your eyes, and let yourself relax."

Olivia turns her head and looks at her darkly. "When do you suggest I do that, Counselor?" she asks. She is angry but too tired to carry the emotion out effectively.

"When should I relax? When Noah is at school, and I'm worried that he's going to disappear before I can get there to pick him up? When I'm tucking him in at night, and he asks me when he can see his Grandmother again?"

She pulls herself out of the chair, and Alex hurries to her feet as well, hands clenched.

"Should I relax after I wake up in the middle of the night just having to go check on him for the seventh time because I'm so sure that I just dreamed he was back. That it was all in my head and his room is going to be empty."

Her voice breaks on the last word, and Alex takes her hand without conscious thought, stopping herself from bringing the fingers to her lips by sheer force of will.

Olivia looks at their linked hands sharply, but she makes no move to pull away.

"Do you still care about me, Alex?"

Alex nods immediately. "So much," she says. "I've respected your space because it seemed like that was what you want-"

"It is," Olivia interrupts. "But I have to think about what's best for Noah. And…I know you'll be kind to him."

Alex swallows the sting to revel in the compliment. "Of course I will, Olivia," she says at once. "But," she swallows. "I know several others who would be kind to him."

Olivia looks at her appraisingly at this, and Alex realizes they are still holding hands. "I…" Alex swallows hard, willing herself to say the words. "You don't have to see me, to go through this with me. If you don't want to."

She takes a chance, and brings her other hand up to Olivia's too, running her fingers across her knuckles.

Olivia sucks in a deep breath that comes out a shaky exhale. Alex looks up to see that Olivia is crying. Her eyes are shut, but tears are leaking out from under her lashes.

Alex moves a hand up to Olivia's cheek.

"Liv," she says softly.

"I need you to do it, Alex," she says, her voice wavering in the place between speech and crying. "So that I don't feel...so that I can do...this."

Alex understands. Olivia might not love her, might not even like her anymore, but there is no denying that she would not break down in front of any other person in the building.

It occurs to Alex that she might be the only person left in the city who has seen Olivia at her most heartbroken. At what she considers to be her worst.

She puts her arms tentatively around Olivia's shoulders, relieved when the Sergeant hugs back, resting her head on Alex's shoulders.

They stay like that for a long time, until Olivia speaks, sounding more in control.

"Remember when you used to wear shoulder pads in your blazers?"

Alex rolls her eyes, and she is confident that the brunette knows this is her reaction. "Please don't remind me," she says playfully.

Olivia pulls away slowly, she isn't smiling, and she doesn't look any less exhausted, but her shoulders are a bit less hunched than when she came in.

"Okay," she says, a little awkwardly. "I should get going."

Alex nods, moving to walk her to the door. She tries to think of something to say that might prolong their time together but can come up with nothing.

"Thank you, Alex," Olivia says at the door. "For doing this."

"I wouldn't want anyone else to," Alex stays fiercely. Truthfully. "Thank you, for letting me."

One side of Olivia's mouth raises in a half smile, and then she turns, shrugging her jacket up on to her shoulders, and heads away.

Down the hall, Alex sees Amanda Rollins, sitting with a little girl with blonde pigtails, and a brunette little boy who can only be Noah by the way he lights up when he sees the Sergeant.

She bends and lifts him up into a hug, and the words, 'who's ready for dinner?" drift back to her.

For a moment, she allows herself to linger in her doorway and imagine that it is her with Olivia, leading their son and daughter toward the elevators, on their way to whatever little diner is their favorite for special occasions.

But then the phone on her desk gives a metallic ring, and the group disappears around the corner, and Alex forces herself into the present and turns to answer the phone, shutting the door behind her.

…

…

He doesn't look around at her when she slides onto the stool next to his, but he raises his hand to the bartender, and a moment later she has a whiskey set down gently in front of her.

Alex smiles. "You're a difficult man to track down," she says taking a sip. "And I take my spirits with rocks now."

Elliot Stabler takes a sip of his beer and glances at her out of the corner of his eye. "You're losing your edge," he says.

She isn't sure whether this is about her difficulty finding him or the fact that she now waters down her drinks.

"Tell me about Amanda Rollins," she says. She's taken a train and two taxis in an attempt to speak to him face to face. There is no point in preamble.

Stabler laughs. "She got you rattled, Counselor?" he takes another sip. "Don't worry. Liv's not interested."

Alex raises an eyebrow. "But Amanda is?"

She thinks of the way the detective had talked about her boss, about the look on her face when she'd talked about how she and Fin had worked to protect her.

"She's an addict," she mutters. "And from what I've read, a reckless cop with an impulsive streak that-"

"She's devoted to Olivia, and she'd rather stay by her side and die, than keep her life and disappear," Elliot cuts her off. "You figured that out when you spoke to her, Alex, and that's what burns you about her. She's your polar opposite personality-wise, and it's just the icing on the cake that she's a pretty little blonde."

Alex feels like she's swallowed barbed wire. "So there is something between them? Or there was?"

Elliot shakes his head. "No."

"So you're just winding me up?"

"You're winding yourself up," he retorts. "You're the one who tracked me down to ask about your ex's possible lovers."

"I tracked you down to tell you what happened to her son, Noah."

Elliot squints into his empty bottle as though something at the bottom is confusing him.

"I know what happened to her son," he says finally.

Alex looks at him, lost for words.

He glances at her, and then away. "I know what happened to Noah, he repeats. And I know that you're prosecuting his biological grandmother for his abduction."

"Why haven't you said anything to her?" It's the only thing that Alex can think to ask.

Elliot turns his incredulous look on her. "Why would I do that?"

"Because she was your partner for over a decade?" she asks. "Because you know that all of this is tearing her apart? Because-"

"Because hearing from me after I left without a word wouldn't be the worst possible thing I could do for her?"

"Coward," Alex says, narrowing her eyes. "You are such a,"

"You're the coward," Elliott snarls. He turns fully on his stool, his face coloring. "You, agreeing not to recuse yourself, you inserting yourself back into her life after she made it clear that-"

"She asked me," Alex hears herself yell. She doesn't ask how he knows all of this. Fin would have told him, or Munsch. She has worked with Detectives long enough to know that there are no worse gossips in the world.

"And why did she ask you, Alex?" Stabler asks, glaring at her. "Why did she ask the woman that tore out her heart, to prosecute the case that undoubtedly keeps her up every night. You think it was because she wants you to be there for her?"

Alex wants to answer in the affirmative, but she knows good and well that this is a trap.

He scoffs at her. "She wants you to annihilate Sheila Nelson more than she never wants to see you again."

He is right.

She knows he is right as soon as the words have left his mouth, and the realization makes her feel dizzy.

"You're wrong," she says, though she knows that her tone is nowhere near convincing.

Elliott nods, picking up the new bottle that has just been set down in front of him. "Yeah," he says with a dark chuckle. "Okay. That's what makes you an asshole, and me just a kind of shitty person." he takes a long sip before explaining what he means.

"I'm going to stay gone."

…

…

Olivia answers her door dressed in an old sweatshirt and a pair of ripped jeans. Her hair is down, longer than Alex has ever seen it, and a little wild.

"Hi," she says, sounding a bit out of breath. "I thought our meeting was tomorrow?"

"I was," Alex says, "is, I mean. I was hoping I could talk to you tonight?" Fear grips her suddenly that she's interrupted Olivia doing something intimate. "If this is a bad time I can come back late-"

"No," Olivia pulls the door open to admit her. "Come on in; you have the face that says it's urgent."

Alex steps into the front hall of the apartment, unable to stop herself from looking around.

"He's out with Amanda and Carisi," Olivia says like she knows Alex was wondering. "We rotate Friday night pizza to give the other a night to decompress. I thought the routine would be good for him."

"And for you, perhaps," Alex says without thinking.

Olivia smiles wryly. "I can't calm my nerves enough to decompress," she says, turning away. "Can I get you something to drink?

"No, I…" Alex trails off. "I need to talk to you," she says, wishing her voice sounded stronger than it does.

Olivia turns, concerned and questioning. "What is it?"

Alex gathers all of the courage she can find. She bolsters herself with Stabler's remarks.

She is not an asshole.

She is not an asshole.

"I can't prosecute this case," she says.

Liv stares at her for a long, silent, moment. "Why?"

It is not the question she was expecting, but Alex finds herself answering without a second thought. The truth spilling out of her lips like the breaking of a dam.

"Because I'm still in love with you," she says quietly. "Because I want to comfort you, and hold you, and tell you that everything will be okay. Because every moment that I'm standing in court, proving to the jury what a conniving piece of garbage Sheila Nelson is, is a moment I want to be spending in the gallery, holding your hand. "I can't prosecute this case because I want to tear that woman limb from limb for hurting you. For thinking she had a right to take away something so precious."

Alex shakes her head, trying not to cry. Olivia comforts people when they cry, and at this moment, Alex does not want that to happen.

"You are everyone's safe place, Olivia," she says, composing herself. "I know how you held Sheila when she cried. How you comforted her after she stole your son. I know how you went to work the next day as if nothing had happened. How you stayed up with your son when he had bad dreams.

"I know you didn't want me to take this case. I know you didn't want me to see you cry, or for me to meet your son. You protected me. You're still my safe place, even though you deserve to get exactly what you want. Once. And I can do that for you, Liv."

She looks up into Liv's face, to those dark eyes she loves so much.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia."

How long has it taken her to say it? To say it and really mean it? She doesn't want to think about it. She repeats the words.

And then again.

She owes this woman about four years of apologies.

"I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing by staying away, but I was afraid. I was afraid what you would think of me as just Alex, and not a lawyer, and not even a person who was in control. I…" she clasps her hands together, looking down.

"I won't make your decisions for you again," she says, turning to go. "I'm sorry that you put all this trust in me, and I couldn't find a way to do it before it was too late."

Alex pulls the door open and steps back into the hall.

Olivia doesn't call her back.

…

She's on the street, a block from the apartment building when a hand on her shoulder makes her spin around.

Olivia is standing in front of her, hair whipping around her face.

"Liv?" she asks, genuinely surprised. "What is it?"

Olivia is looking at her like it is the first time they've met. Maybe, in some ways, it is.

Slowly, Olivia leans forward and touches her lips to Alex's. The kiss is not hot or sexy. It is not even entirely romantic. But it makes the noise of the city dim for a second before Olivia pulls away.

"I like the Alex who isn't always put together," Olivia says softly. She gives Alex a genuine, tired, affectionate smile, and then turns and walks back the way she came.

Alex knows that if she follows, she will cry. She will put her hands in Olivia's hair.

She will never stop trying to prove her love, no matter how long it takes.

Alex pulls her coat a little tighter around herself.

She follows Olivia back towards her apartment.