A/N: Since I've nearly finished Show me this life, I thought it's time for something new! This is going to be a multi chapter story, not sure how long yet...we'll see... The rating isn't M for nothing. Your feedback is much appreciated!

Disclaimer: The characters and the world etc. belong to J. K. Rowling. I'm just the puppet master of this story!

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You were the biggest riddle in my life.

You were the one I couldn't figure out.

You were the only thing I couldn't find a pattern to.

You were something I couldn't look up from any book.

Unwritten…with no instructions.

And I…I was lost.

Because I'm used to be able to find logic in things, however illogical…

Maybe that's why I hated you so much… Ever since the first time we met.

"A toad? Maybe it's hiding in your hair?" You said mockingly, and my mind was immediately whisked back to the days, when I didn't fit in.

I'd ask you: do you know the feeling of being alone in a room full of people?

But I won't…Because I know you do…

That is one of the rare things I can figure out about you: The look in your stormy eyes when you feel insecure or frightened…or lost.

The whole of our sixth year, I watched you with that look. And I knew, you'd know exactly what it felt like; to scream in a hall full of people and to be heard by no one.

You always thought two people couldn't be more different…you and I…And I wanted to think that too. You were the last person I wanted to be compared to…

But when I think about it now. We aren't that different...

When I returned to school for my eight year to finish my education I never thought you'd come, too… And I never saw you more lost, than I did now.

And never was I more determined to know, what was it in you, that I couldn't solve?

I didn't tell anyone about my obsession to read your mind. I played along the others, but I watched you.

And I noticed you watched me, too…

It became our secret…the glances we exchanged… and as days went by I realized you were not as unreadable as I had made myself believe.

How is it, that you can hate someone for years, but when you start to study the person, like really look, willing to understand, you realize how very wrong you were?

Because what I saw, was a man…a boy…who hid himself form the world so well, the outside seemed like a hard rock wall.

But the flash in your eyes every now and then…The way you stared ahead of you in the breakfast table…The way you looked at the first year who had started to talk to you…told me a different story.

Sometimes we passed each other in the corridor…once, you opened your mouth, like you wanted to say something, but changed your mind before the words came out.

And I stayed silent, too.

Because what would you say to someone, you hated, but realized it was for all the wrong reasons?

Because first I would have to admit to myself that I was as prejudiced, as condemnatory and as unwilling to understand, as you were.

Because yes, you were bigoted, and yes, you were vile and cruel, and yes, you were full of yourself…and finally, yes, you used to be a death eater… But you were also misled...

And I thought about us…the light…and all the things we did or would have done, to keep our families safe…

I sent mine away...but you never had that choice...

We were forced to make decisions, bigger than ourselves, way too young…

Who the hell makes three seventeen years old's, to hunt horcruxes around the country with no proper leads?

Who the hell demands a sixteen-year-old to murder a wizard so strong only few could even dream of beating him?

Who the hell uses children as play pieces on their chessboard?

I thought the magic world was beautiful…but I had found out, it was also so very twisted.

It might have gotten a little out of hand…me, examining you. Because I started to make notes... And where I thought was no pattern, I found multiple…

I found out you were terrified of making a mistake, disappointing people who mattered to you… And when I realized that, I remembered all the potions classes you picked on us, and how it took all the eyes away from your work.

"My father will hear about this." Rang in my head, when I thought how you wanted your father to know it wasn't your fault you screw up…

By Halloween I thought war might have messed with my head…because where I should have studied, I found myself thinking about you, analyzing you, like I suddenly knew you any better, than before.

Dear Hermione,

How is old hoggywarty Hogwarts?

It's dead boring here! We are supposed to catch dark wizards, but instead we're learning the basic theory of dark curses. Harry let's me copy his notes luckily!

I would rather be on the field already! We fought the war, for god's sakes, We should be ready for this! Harry tells me to shut up…He thinks we need to pay attention extra hard because we missed our seventh year. Day after day I think he is starting to sound more like you. Are you sure you didn't tell him to say those things to me?

Anyway, our living quarters is spectacular! And food is very good.

Hope to see you soon,

Love Ron.

Ron…

If you were an enigma, he was a norm. I had learned his patterns and ways a long time ago. He was safe and simple and predictable. And for a glorious few months I thought that was what I wanted…That after everything we had been through, I wanted the safety he had to provide.

But…there is a but where it shouldn't be.

I don't know what it is in him, that doesn't just feel right. I wanted to love him for so many years. And when I finally got to, it felt like…like I had dreamed about it a long time ago, but when the dream became reality it lacked all the magic my dream had had. Like I forgot all the things I loved and started to realize stronger and stronger the things that made us so different.

Like that I loved to study…to solve problems and to figure things out, where he couldn't care less…

Like that I wanted to hang out with friends, when he wanted to stay in and have a good meal…that I had cooked…

Like that I wanted to build a life and educate myself first, when he wanted a big family and children as soon as possible.

And I never forgave him that he left us… That winter in the forest, yes…But so many times before that also. I loved him, and he mocked me… You mocked me too, but I was never your friend… He…He was supposed to be one of my best… I never let you treat me poorly, I always stood up for myself… But Ron, Ron had always been free to say whatever popped to his head, I became angry, but I forgave him…time, after time, after time…until I couldn't anymore.

I told him I'm returning here. That we should take a break. But I'm not sure he completely understood, what I really meant. And now he writes me…and he is still my friend, so I answer.

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Her name is Astoria Greengrass.

Everything about her screams pureblood royalty! She is fair and proud and collected. Holds her head high and posture straight. Her hair is ebony and silky, her teeth white and her skin flawless. She's the perfect match, your parents have picked to continue your family lineage.

And I hate her.

The way she pads her eyelashes at you… The way she calls your name…The way she touches you as if you're her property.

You hide it well…how you dislike her touch. I bet she doesn't notice the way you wrinkle your nose when she calls you 'Drake' or 'Dear' with her high voice. But you won't show it to her... you do your duty and she must think you're the ideal husband for her.

Pansy doesn't hate her, which surprised me first…but the more I learned, the more I knew we were so wrong, thinking you and Pansy had a thing.

Funny, how watching you, teaches me a lot of things about other Slytherins too. Pansy belongs to Theodore Nott. And they…they're not fake like you and Astoria are…they're real. The way he looks at her, makes me almost wish someone would someday see me in the same light he seems to see her. And she smiles to him, like I've never seen her smile before...not even to you.

When Astoria speaks, you look at the walls, the table, the paintings…anything but her. I'd almost feel bad for her, if she wasn't so…simple…so unilateral…

Once, in the great hall. She is talking to you when you catch me looking and you actually roll your eyes to me. I nearly chocke on my pumpkin juice and Ginny has to ask if there was something wrong with me.

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I have dreams about you.

Your silver eyes invading my mind…And the more I learn about you, the more intense the dreams become.

And the more dreams I have, the harder it is to concentrate on anything anymore. Like my head's just full of you.

And we still haven't exchanged a word, since the start of the year.

I never had a thing for bad boys…

But I do have a thing for unsolved mysteries…

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Of course, it couldn't go on forever.

On December you corner me in an empty potions classroom.

I had spent the class listening to her telling you, how she was so looking forward to coming to your home for Christmas dinner with her parents.

I had told Ginny to go ahead and left to collect my things, not noticing you haven't left.

Suddenly you are standing behind me, your breath on my neck.

"Why do you keep spying on me Granger?" Your whisper sends shivers down my spine and I whip around, just to find you standing only inches away.

I'm not scared of you... And I know you have been watching me, just as much as I you.

"I could ask you the same question."

I boldly look at the everlasting storm in your eyes.

I already know you're beautiful…cruelly gorgeous…

My gaze travels your lips and I catch myself wondering how it would feel to kiss them...

I must be some-kind-of a masochist… Pick a guy…any guy, to be the subject of your teenage dreams and late-night fantasies…and I go ahead and pick you.

Are you a muggleborn witch? Do you want to get your ego, your self-esteem and your reputation stomped and thrown in to a trash bin? Pick Draco Malfoy! The boy who tormented you and your friends for years!

Maybe it was all the years I had to fight for my life, that screwed my head somehow...

You are still there… Haven't moved a bit…maybe you have no idea of the thoughts running through my head.

"Granger…" There's a warning in the way you say my name.

But I don't care.

I match you stare, "Malfoy…"

"I'm not someone you can save." You whisper almost angrily.

"I'm not planning to save you"

"Then what are you doing?"

"What are you?"

I know you feel the pull between us…I can see it in the way, you hold your breath every now and then.

I know, because it's exactly what I want to do, too, to keep the scent of you, from clouding my thoughts.

You and me…we've never been neutral… there has always been something between us. Most of the time we masked it as mutual hate…but these past two months I realize it might have been something else altogether.

Because what I suspected earlier, I now know for sure: I smell you in my Amortentia potion... ever since the first time...it has always smelled of you.

I really tried to lie to everyone… but mostly to myself, that it was Ron I smell…But I knew then, and I know now…it never was.

"They're suspicious..." You're still whispering.

"Of what?" I decide to play dumb.

"Blaise noticed you looking… he has started to ask questions. It's only a matter of time, the others will too"

"Then tell them the truth? There is nothing."

I want to challenge you, to prove you: I'm not yours to play around.

You're staring at me, and I notice there is more than anger in your eyes…

"But it's a lie."

You close the distance between us and I don't have to wonder anymore.

Because your kiss is everything I anticipated.

It's heated and hard and…lustful.

Before I can be held responsible of my actions, my hands are grapping the front of your shirt to pull you closer.

Your hands tangle in my hair.

It's all heat, everywhere.

You're certain and demanding and strong…if you have any doubt of what you're doing, you hide it well…

I need you closer...

I've always been a good girl… I've thought lust comes from love… That you'll want someone because you love them…That you want to give yourself to someone because of all the good things they make you feel.

But oh, how very wrong I have been.

This has nothing to do with love or even infatuation...

This is hate turned into lust.

This is all the things you are and I'm not…

This is my body acting completely on its own… rationality has nothing to do with this.

My heart is racing, and my insides are throbbing.

In my mind I've already undressed you and you're already in between my legs.

Your lips leave mine and travel to my neck and it takes a while for me to notice the moan I hear, comes from me.

And that sound seems to snap you back to reality. Because you let go of me and back away, leaving me standing there cold and unsatisfied.

We stare at each other. Your lips are red from all the kissing and your hair is tousled. And if you looked desirable before, it was nothing compared to how you look now.

And I want you back on me so much, I think my head is going to explode.

But the moment is lost. You turn and leave without another word, and I'm left there wondering what the hell just happened?