JRPG Rule Number One

The unmistakable digitised laughter filled his room. For what felt like hours now, he had heard the same sound over and over again, always followed by a growl of frustration, an utterance of Quiznak and her beautiful eyes turning to him as she asked, "Just one more try, please Lance…?" Try as he might, he just couldn't say no to her. It had stopped being quite so cute about the 12th time tonight. Still cute, sure, this was Pidge after all. Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction. Entropy increases. Pidge is cute. Three constants of the universe. Lance was pretty sure that she must have left some of her smarts behind for him to make that comparison. Though even with Pidge's charms the whole thing became significantly less cute the more it cut into his sleep. Truth be told, it wasn't just because her little routine got to him, but because he was well aware that if he tried to say no, she would 'politely' remind him that the games console – despite being in his room only out of necessity – belonged to both of them equally. If anything, the attempt to deny her just one more try would leave Lance sleeping in the hallway. Just like the last time. This time was different of course. As her new partner, he would at least get a pitying kiss goodnight before he slept in the hallway. That would almost make it worth it.

Despite the threat of the hallway, he was growing more concerned. The longer this took, the longer he had to wait before applying his nightly skin care. He could already feel his unmoisturised face turning to a desert of cracked skin. He could imagine pores conspiring to fill themselves with filth and he shuddered. Not quite as much as they had both shuddered as they examined Coran's boxes of essentials, but it came close. The tamest of the items proved that Altean anatomy was obviously simultaneously close to human yet also quite peculiar. Putting aside the image of extra-terrestrial prophylactic sheaths, Lance looked to Pidge from his bed. She was cross-legged and sitting close to the screen of the jury-rigged Gameflux, still grasping the controller tightly, still staring in contempt at the Game Over screen, the digitised laughter mocking her. Lance knew that it wouldn't be long before the usual pleading. He decided against looking at how late or maybe early it was and braced himself.

Pidge collapsed backward, her back firm against the floor. She breathed outward in frustration and stared at the ceiling. The digital laughter continued. Lance found himself gazing again, watching the slow rhythm of her breathing as she calmed down. The gentle rise and fall of her chest. She was dressed, as she always would do at these semi-regular night time gaming sessions, in her nightwear. A pair of baggy green boxer shorts and a white and just as baggy sleeveless vest, enough to keep warm but not so much to be uncomfortable in bed. To each side of her, a pair of plush Green Lion slippers sat unfilled by her bare feet. Lance realised that his gaze had yet again fallen onto her subtle curves, the ones that Pidge would normally keep hidden beneath her usual clothing, to the slightest peek of an uncovered waist, pale skinned and slim. He smiled at her, feeling a soft sense of contentment in knowing that he no longer needed to hide this. He no longer had to deny just how beautiful she was as she lay there. No longer had to look away in secret shame.

"I don't mind you staring, but just say it…" Pidge groaned, her glasses filled with the artificial light of the screen.

"Say what…?" Lance verbally shrugged, "That you probably need sleep after that day we've just had?" He smiled to her, "That you look so very beautiful by the light of the screen…?"

"Nice of you to say, but no… Tell me this fight is impossible." Pidge clarified, "I've crunched the numbers myself, and I know the odds are astronomical. 1 in at least 6000. The Supreme Necromangler's AOE Forced Undeath debuff makes all my healing items useless because my party counts as undead. I can stop it with Dispellimus but that only lasts on average 1.5 rounds before being countered, which is more than enough time for him to unleash his Perma-Summoned EX Legion Knights of Dire Nightflame. Which are broken bythe way. I'm forced to use the lowest tiered joke class in the game just to turn their Poison Bombs into some minor kind of healing, but due to a stupid bug in the stupid code, they only affect one party member at a time despite being an AOE. Primary Paladin is dealing a reliable 26,000 to 38,000 DPS without buffs, obviously I need my summoner there, but swapping out the alchemist for a cleric long enough to buff the paladin's Overdrive Gauge leaves us open to a Maximised Infernal Counter Attack… Which basically leaves me fishing for critical hits and trying to keep the Summoner's Mana Pool from falling below the Magna-Threshold, to keep her bonus damage level at optimum output…"

Lance blanked out somewhere between crunched and Necromangler, though she remained, as ever, so cute when she geeked out. Which meant of course, almost 100% of the time. "Uh… Have you tried Omni-Multi-Summoning the Choir of the Chosen with Echoing Effect…?"

Pidge glared at him, "Do I look like an amateur to you…? The Summoner's unbridled Spectre Sceptre of the Dark Epoch allows Echoing Effect to resummon twice again in the same combat round… With Reduction To Summon Costs at 85% thanks to the Bonnet of Utter Insight, I'm Quadruple Omni-Multi-Summoning the Choir of the Chosen every single round…"

"How the heck did you get the unbridled Spectre Sceptre?"

"I had to craft it using the bones of your grandfather that you get in the first level and combine it with Lucifer's Rod of the Abyss that you find during the third chapter. But, it can only be made on the Forge of The Underking during the festival days… Come on Lance, this is basic stuff…"

"I sold the bones. They took up too much inventory space and carry weight…" Lance shrugged, "Oops."

Pidge's glare intensified, "You really are an idiot aren't you…? That's like JRPG rule number one. The Rusty Sword worth half a Gold Piece, the ancient family ring, the thing that looks like totally pointless junk, keep it because nine times out of ten, it's part of a recipe for the top tier items…"

"Yeah, but I'm your favourite idiot… And you're stuck with me…" Lance smiled kindly, "Not everyone here is a completionist power-gamer, some of us game to have fun."

Pidge sat up, stretching her arms above her head. "For me, this is fun. Mostly…" She grunted, "And I'm about to have one more go… Don't try to stop me… Or, stuck with you or not, my favourite idiot in the cosmos or not… I will be revoking your public displays of affection privileges…"

Suddenly, a rare good idea popped into Lance's head. Something that might subtly encourage his gorgeous girlfriend – he still could hardly believe that title - to let him keep beautiful for her. "Pidge, I may have said this already. In fact, I'm sure I have…but I'm getting super sleepy. But I'm not unreasonable. You have yourself one more go. But, if you lose again…then you give me permanent public displays of affection privileges…"

Pidge turned to him, utterly unmoved. "Alright. Hugging fine, kisses on the cheek fine. No tongue, nothing handsy." She said with barely a hint of emotion, "Seems reasonable, right?"

Lance smirked, he knew Pidge well enough now to know at least one of her poker faces. "That's hardly anything, of course you wouldn't be concerned about that… No. Let's make it full privileges... Butt squeezes permitted."

Pidge paused. "That kind of a threat to my dignity is worth much more than one more go, Lance."

"Just think of it as an extra incentive, another reason to avoid losing again."

"Well how about we make it interesting?" Pidge queried, "You think I don't get your little scheme? Trying to get rid of me so you can get your totally unnecessary beauty sleep, right? Fine, you come up with the single worst, most mortifying thing you can think of…and I'll tell you my own terms. And if I win…no, when I win… You'll probably wish you'd just said yes to me without trying to be smart…" Her grin was malicious, "Still game, sharpshooter…?"

"Good enough to hit your heart…" Lance smirked, "My terms. Worst thing I can come up with… When you lose. Full rights to public displays of affection, anything considered first base completely on the table, whenever, wherever, forever. Occasionally, you will wear an outfit that doesn't hide your curves and you will do so publicly. You will even have a choice of those outfits… And you're not just sleeping right away, but you're sleeping here… I'll cuddle you so good you'll wish you'd never want to leave… A whole night of your personal space being made mine… And just think of all the gossip in the morning…"

Pidge lowered her glasses, "Well, I could think of worse fates… I'm especially ok with that whole forever thing… Now my terms. When I win… I get full ownership of the console. Full 24/7 access to this room and everything in it."

Lance quickly offered her his hand from beneath the duvet. With a stretch, Pidge took it, the two shaking vigorously on their agreement. "Done! Oh, but Pidge, mi corazón you are so going to lose! 6000 to 1 odds, you said it yourself! You must really want to cuddle with me… I'm a little embarrassed…" He shot her his cheesy grin.

Pidge grinned right back, "Oh Lance, mio sciocco adorato… We'll see, won't we…?" She reloaded her save, skipping through the melodramatic dialogue of The Supreme Necromangler; Licha of Lucha. "You ever hear what Einstein said about insanity?"

Lance struggled to recall, "Considering his famous poster? Dude just rolled with it…"

Pidge shook her head, secretly smiling, "Thought that was giving you an easy one. What you were supposed to say is; 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.' Which it turns out may not have been a direct quote of Einstein's, regardless of how applicable it may be to Scientific Method in specific and arguably all of life as a general rule…" As she spoke, Pidge was taking her first turn in the game, Summoner unleashing the most potent multi-summon combo, primary paladin activating his ultimate war stance and her cleric casting Dispellimus.

"Your point…?" Lance queried, thoroughly puzzled by moves that not long ago, Pidge was calling flawed.

"You don't seem to realise that those odds only took into account the variables of my last strategy… Thanks to you, I remembered something I've been holding onto and I have a whole new strategy… I feel kinda dumb for not seeing it sooner. The way I figure it now, I'm almost guaranteed to win this fight with minimal effort… I might even be able to put it on auto combat by turn four if I'm lucky…" Pidge chuckled. Necromangler had now Perma-Summoned his EX Legion Knights of Dire Nightflame. "It's all over now, Lance… You going to back down?"

"You're bluffing…" Lance paled. "Are you forgetting about the Legion of Knights you let him summon…?"

Pidge opened up an item menu, scrolling down to a container; The Ever-Feather Backpack of Infinite Items. "This is why carry weight shouldn't be an issue for you. It uses a character's full turn to open it and take an item in combat, either for themselves or a party member… You have to win it in the fishing mini game…" Pidge shuddered, "Even enduring that it's still worth it…"

Lance frowned, "Pidge, there's no way one stupid item can make the difference here."

Pidge scrolled through what looked like hundreds of components from Dragon Dung-Stones to Holy Buckets of Deahliza, before finally settling on a wholly unremarkable potion, worth a measly sum of gold. "Here it is, the Potion of Elemental Realignment. Good for one use, only one in the game, realigns a single enemy's elemental damage type to the opposite side of the elemental grid for one battle… Do you see yet…?"

Lance shook his head, "I see you kept hold of a lot of useless junk. Necromangler isn't using any elemental attacks, he's using Necro energy. Necro energy and Life energy aren't elemental." Lance smirked.

Pidge next commanded the potion be handed to the ready slot of her active character. "One last warning Lance. You should really consider backing out…"

"Not a chance!" Lance laughed, "You're trying to convince me you have some grand strategy, but this is all just trying to make me second guess. Not going to work, Pidge."

Pidge pressed a command button, her party member hurling the potion toward the enemy. She paused the game. "Tell me a little about the EX Legion Knights of Dire Nightflame. Why are they so broken?"

"Come on Pidge, even I know that… They weren't properly programmed. They were supposed to summon a Legion of single creatures, but instead they ended up being a swarm. If they were single creatures you could take each one down with a basic strike, but because they're a swarm and treated like a cloud of insects by the game, first the damage gets halved and then spread amongst the full thousand creatures, making them extremely difficult to kill." Lance paused for a moment, "Then there's their aura of Dire Nightflame, which means each of the thousand deals 2000 Nightflame Damage with a chance to set your party alight… Did I miss anything…?"

Pidge unpaused, turning to him smiling, "And what's opposite Dire Nightflame on the Elemental Grid?"

"Poison…" Lance was by now beyond puzzled and instead baffled, "So wait, because they're a swarm creature, all of them will have their Direflame turned to Poison… So now instead of every member of your party getting hit with 2 million Direflame a turn, they get hit with 2 million Poison…?"

Pidge nodded, skipped her last party member's turn. Necromangler Recast his aura. The party irresistibly turned to undead versions of themselves. Pidge pressed a button, activating auto combat. "And now… You get it…"

Lance stared in amazement, "2 Million Poison damage a turn… But you're forced to be Undead… So you're getting healed by the poison!" He hung his head in defeat, "Quiznak…"

"I tried to warn you…" Pidge gloated, watching as the red health gauge of the Necromangler slowly dwindled whilst her own party just kept getting refilled to maximum.

"Full ownership…" Lance groaned as the health bar hit 66%

Pidge nodded. "That is what we agreed."

"Full 24/7 access to my room too…?" His heart sank as the bar hit 33%

"And…?" Pidge's innocent tone didn't match her insidious smile.

"And!?" Lance practically screamed, "What else was there!?" 0%

The distinctive victory jingle played and Pidge casually scrolled through her loot before saving. She switched the machine and it's display off, leaving the room only as dark as the usual nightly ambient settings. She slowly walked over to Lance, an evil smirk on her face the whole time, her lenses flashing in the gloom. "My exact words; when I win I get full ownership of the console. Full 24/7 access to this room and everything in it." She perched herself on Lance's bed. "And do you know what my absolute favourite thing in this room is…? Can you guess…?" She leaned closer, the smirk growing to an almost predatory smile, teeth bared like a steadily by the second more maniacal Cheshire Cat.

Lance swallowed hard.

Pidge kissed his sweet confused features gently, "You of course, handsome…" Her features softened as she squirreled her way beneath the duvet, rolling into the curve of Lance's legs and torso. Her soft laughter made her body shake a little before she snuggled in closer. She set her glasses aside on a nearby shelf. Lance was by now quite stunned and unable to move, so Pidge positioned his limp arms as she saw fit. One draped over her and about her waist, the other she bent at the elbow and set her head upon as a pillow. She let out a contented sigh. "Gosh, you are warm… Just to be clear though Lance, don't get too handsy. Waist is fine, but go higher or lower and I might just break something… Only might… Also, I sincerely hope that's not your Bayard I can feel prodding me… It's ridiculously dangerous to sleep with a weapon…"

"So…what's happening right now…?" Lance mumbled in confusion.

"It's called spooning, genius." Pidge laughed softly, "You know you aren't very subtle right…? There's really no need to be so coy, you just need to ask to get me to cuddle with you… As for the public displays of affection… It's all good… I'd suffer just as much by denying you… You think I don't want people to see…? I want the whole cosmos to know how much we…mean to each other… I might even give the idea of at least skinny jeans a thought… If only for the look on your face…"

Lance rested his head to hers, enjoying the feeling of her close to him, the delicate scent of her hair. The peaceful rise and fall of her breathing. "I am so happy right now…" He whispered. "But, wait does this mean you've like… Moved in…?"

"You know, I suppose it is like that…" Pidge nodded, "I guess that makes my room the workshop… Good thinking Lance. Now be quiet, I want to get some sleep…"

"What about the Space Caterpillars…? They moving in too…? Along with their Lance statue…?"

Pidge grumbled something beneath her breath. She had been much happier when Lance still assumed it was a random pile of junk. Going brains deep had its downsides.

"Wait…" Lance chimed in again, "So now I've got everything that I wanted… I won even though I lost…does that make this easy mode….?"

"I can think of so many ways to hurt you right now, Lance so don't push your luck…"

"Then is this the part of the game where we fade to black, happily ever after…?"

Pidge laughed, "Nope, brace yourself, casual. By morning, this is going New Game plus…"

"New Game Plus and I've got the best co-op partner I could wish for…" Lance kissed the back of her neck gently, squeezing her closer in a loving embrace, "Probably tomorrow morning we'll need to deal with some new insanity… A civilization to save, a Robeast to slay, another day in the war against the Galra…"

Pidge made an affirmative hum, "Sure, but after whatever we face out there, we can always come back here and just…hold each other close…and everything will be just a little better…a little like… Being home…" What she wanted to ask next made her stomach turn a little, "Lance… Maybe when it's just the two of us… And I mean just the two of us… This is not ever a public thing…" She paused, "Do you think maybe you could call me my name?"

"Only if you don't get freaked out by what I'm about to say…" Lance breathed gently, "Maybe some people would think this is quick of me to say… Reckless, dumb… But, we've walked in each other's mind… I feel like I'm closer to you than I've ever been, ever even could be to anyone else… I guess what I want to say is…" He fell silent.

"Lance..." Pidge sighed with a contented yawn, "I might be crazy to say it, but I love you too. Now, sleep…"

Lance smiled, joyful tears shimmering in his eyes as he held her close. "G'night. I love you… Katie…"