Endgame

Yes, I'm fine. I'm totally, absolutely fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? Maybe you've forgotten that I'm one who chopped off the head of that purple bastard. And that's a really good thing. Not just because he deserved to die and I promised that he would, but because it means I got to make up for the mistake I made first time round. Redemption is good for the soul. I feel fantastic now, cleansed, renewed.

And don't overlook that Asgardia is all set up...Asgardia? Did we settle for Asgardia? Or did we call it something else? I can't remember. Doesn't matter. Names are just names. They're not important. Like sheep. Why do we call sheep sheep? We shouldn't have to call sheep sheep just because they're called sheep. What if I wanted to call them lions? People would get cross with me, but whatever, I'm the king and I can call shee- lions – whatever I like.

Anyway, whatever, I was rambling. Yeah, this place, whatever it's called, it's a paradise. I mean, we don't have much in the ways of money, clothes, food, shelter...and the plumbing isn't great...I wasn't going to mention that, but I have so...my friends offered to help, but we're the Asgardians so we don't need help from anyone. We do have cable, though, and the internet, occasionally. And beer. Lots of beer. So, what more could we want?

It's funny because back on The Statesman we didn't have much there either, but it was a decommissioned cruise ship so at least we had soft beds and a swimming pool and a cinema. Loki really picked a – never mind. No, I don't think about him or any of the others. Why would I? They're gone and not coming back. We've had the funeral; it's all over and done with. No need to dwell.

Yes, obviously not everyone made it. I know that. I know that better than anyone. But that's life. That's fate.

What, you want me to name them? Fine. Uh, let's see, so there was Loki, Heimdall, Lily...a lot of families...do you really want me to list them all? We'll be here for hours.

No, I don't think about them because I've moved on. Don't keep going on about.

Look, grief doesn't last for ever. I've found that the trick is to just not think about them. Ever. Don't even have any reminders of them. So that's why I don't have any possessions. Apart from the TV. I don't need anything, anyway. I'm happy like this. It's peaceful.

Pepper sent me a Kindle, but I sold it. Why would I want it? Reading was Loki's thing, not mine. Like I said, the rule is no reminders. It's a strict rule and not everyone could follow it, but I'm strong. I can handle it. It works for me.

I don't go outside unless I really have to. There's no need. A king doesn't really need to be seen anyway. That's my rule. I've radically changed the monarchy, you see. And one of those changes is that the kind rules from behind a closed door. And he never bothers with tradition. Or pray to his ancestors.

And what could I do for my people anyway? What could I say to them? Not that there's many of them left.

Hela and her army killed many. And then – then we were halved...and then that half was halved again by the snap...so, not many of us left...

I'm really thirsty.

Here, help yourself. Have as much as you want. I can at least remember how to be a generous host. I have going for me still. And take a look out of that window. It's a nice view of the sea, isn't it? I really like it here. I like the humans and I like the ruggard landscape; feels like home.

Problem is, every time I look at those iron grey waves I keep remembering that stupid Jumblies poem. Do you know it? It goes like:

They went to sea in a Sieve, they did,

In a Sieve they went to sea:

In spite of all their friends could say,

On a winter's morn, on a stormy day,

In a Sieve they went to sea!

And when the Sieve turned round and round,

And every one cried, 'You'll all be drowned!'

They called aloud, 'Our Sieve ain't big,

But we don't care a button! we don't care a fig!

In a Sieve we'll go to sea!'

They should have stayed at home. Idiots. Should have listened to their friends.

And why is it a problem? Because it was one of Loki's favourites. I'd hear him reciting it to himself while onboard the Statesman and it's catchy enough that it stuck inside my head, too. I think it gave him some comfort. The Jumblies were weird little people with a tiny population and "far and few were the lands where the Jumblies lived", so they went looking for a new worlds. It made Loki smile to see the similarities between them and us. Like I said, Jumblies should have stayed at home.

No, I'm not contradicting myself. I don't think about him. I don't want to think about him. It's just that sometimes, even with my best efforts, memories pop into my head. Like his favourite poems. It's a battle inside my head because the more I try not to think about him and all the others, the more the memories surface.

Yeah, that's right. Beer does help with that. Washes everything away.

Really? I've just told you that I don't want to think about him! Do I have to answer your stupid question?

Sorry, that was rude. Okay, okay, I'll try.

Okay, I think that...he would tease me for being overweight. And...I honestly don't know what else. He was complicated and contradictory even to the very end. He'd probably want to know why I haven't built him a statue. One with the bendy horns.

I think that he would be angry with me. What for? Everything. He's probably saying, 'It's not fair that I'm dead and that witless oath is alive, drinking all day and playing Fortnite. It's his fault that we're all dead."

No, I haven't forgotten what he did for me. I just don't know why he did it. Yes, he did it for me, but why? Thanos was about to leave with the Space Stone when he came out of hiding to attack him. If he had just stayed put...

And I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I'm angry with him. Furious, to be honest. Because he had stolen the Tesseract, taken it out of Asgard. If he hadn't then it would have been destroyed by Surtur and maybe Thanos wouldn't have attacked us, maybe half of our people would still be alive.

I don't know if I can forgive him for that.

Some days I do, some days I hate him all over again. Some days I think that it was the Tesseract who had a hold on him, that it wanted to be stolen by him. Other days I think he was just driven by greed and his thirst for power. I will never understand him.

I think attacking Thanos was his apology. Today I forgive him, but tomorrow I'll be angry all over again, and so on and on it goes.

Yet he was my brother and no matter what his motivation was, he still died to protect me. So I find that I love him as much as I hate him. I think I might be torn apart by all this love and anger. Typical of Loki to make it all so complicated.

You asked me to be honest, so...if you think I hate and blame Loki then you should look inside my head and see how much more I hate and blame myself.

My whole life has been a sham. There are so many stories telling of my victories, but I've failed in all the important ways. I was a terrible brother to Loki growing up. I never let him feel like my equal. I am a absent, reclusive king. And I let the Snap happen.

I've never said that out loud before, but it's true.

If you don't believe me then think about this: I was only worthy of Mjolinir for a few short years. Most of my life I've been unworthy. And, trust me, it took a lot to make me worthy, but not much to make me unworthy. Just one mistake.

No! If we had Mjolnir right here in front of us, I could not lift her. Like I said, the truth is that it was only for a small period of my life that I was worthy, now I've gone back to my true, awful self.

Too hard on myself?! Listen to yourself!

Tell me this, how many have you lost? How many loved ones, colleagues, acquaintances, regular people you'd bump into on the omnibus?

Lots. I know. So how you can sit there and suggest that I'm too hard on myself? It was my fault!

Don't, just don't.

Look, it was kind of you come. To try and help. I thank you for that. But Bruce should never have sent you because there is no helping me. I think that we can both agree that there is no coming back from this, it's too much, bigger than all of us.

Cheer up, I'm know that you'll be able to help plenty of others, just not me.

Oh, here, take this as a thank you. I've had it shoved under the chair for months now. I was just going to chuck it, but you might like it.

Yeah, it was one of Loki's, you can see where Tennyson wrote him a message in the front, telling him to go away. Heh, his books get everywhere. They found this one in Big Ben and sent it back to me.

Valuable? Aren't all books?

What bookmark?

"One writes, that `Other friends remain,'
That `Loss is common to the race'—
And common is the commonplace,
And vacant chaff well meant for grain.

That loss is common would not make
My own less bitter, rather more:
Too common! Never morning wore
To evening, but some heart did break."

I'll see you out.

You know Loki promised me that, "That the sun will shine on us again".

He lied.

AN: Thanks for reading! I think I might do another chapter so that I cover more of Endgame.

Obviously, credit to Tennyson and Edward Lear!