Perry sighed longingly. She wanted nothing more than to be special. To be respected, admired, honored, remembered…loved. Those were the young woman's deepest desires! Now, Perry had no shortage of love in her life, but she couldn't help but feel small and unimportant when she was with the people she considered friends. Her parents were business owners, half of her peers were leaders in some type of extracurricular, and her friends and other relatives were also all well-known for something.

Whether they were inventors or creators or designers and whether they excelled in math, science, literature, language or the arts was irrelevant. It felt like everyone Perry knew was good at something. But what about her? What was her specialty? Well, as far as she knew, nothing. Nothing. She was Perry. Just Perry. Why, she was so boring that even at her own Bat Mitzvah, the rabbi could think of nothing to extol about her other than her humility and predictability. Ouch.

Then along came Silas U. By luck and research, Perry found out about the mysterious, and allegedly magic, school and she signed up instantly. She had taken to the Wiccan religion over the past few years and this school looked perfect for her! Maybe she would learn magic at Silas! Maybe she could be the first witch of the family! Then everybody would have to love and remember her! It would be her moment of being special! After all, being a witch was no small feat and it was about as far away from mundane as one could get! It was the perfect plan!

But of course, that was easier said than done. Although Silas was nice, Perry was still a bit of a loser at heart and she, ultimately, still didn't learn any magic at all. Not really, anyway. She learned about magic, but she never actually learned any magic itself. She did manage to delude herself into thinking that she could cast spells, but it really wasn't the truth. This actually wound up driving her further away from her peers because while she was convinced that magic was real and that she could be a witch, all they ever saw was a sweet, but slightly unhinged, weirdo. In fact, some of them even called her "Scary Perry" behind her back because of how fanatical she could become at times.

But then at last, Perry did get her wish. She ended up accidently summoning a fairy queen! How was that for special and magical? Clearly, some of Silas' classes had paid off! But unfortunately, the fairy queen was nothing like what Perry had read about as a child. This one was quite evil and cruel. Suffice to say, she was sent back from whence she had come at once. That was how quickly and humiliatingly Perry's one shining moment of power had ended. But by then, even she wanted to forget that any of it had ever happened. After all, the reputation of being "That weird and spastic chick who summoned an evil fairy that tried to conquer the world and managed to stop all the female students' periods while turning all the male students into donkeys" was hardly a flattering thought. Yes, Perry wanted to be special, but not like that.

But try as she did to forget, one particular conversation with the fairy queen remained burned into her brain, a constant and nagging reminder of what she almost had, and what she willingly gave up.

"All the wonder in the universe will be yours!" the fairy queen had promised. "My extraordinary girl!"

"Really? You don't think I'm just kind of… average?!" Perry had hardly been able to believe it, voice trailing off in a squeak of excitement and hope. No one had ever called her extraordinary before! And what a wonderful feeling it was! Finally, finally, finally, after so very long in the shadows, somebody had seen her for who she truly was and loved her all the more for it!

"We'll sweep away everyone who ever made you feel small!" the queen affirmed. Oh, this promise had sounded so wonderful and divine! Even still today, Perry could feel that old sense of excitement and warmth as the queen promised her the world! But then the memory turned sour. She remembered what came next. She remembered what the fairy queen had demanded in return for this wonderful power. And it was a price Perry had not been willing to pay. And what was this price? Her best friend, Susan Lafontaine…

"Everyone?" Perry had asked, some hesitancy already returning to her timid voice.

"Everyone!" the fairy queen repeated passionately. Perry felt her heart sink. Ah. So this was too good to be true, huh? She should've known…

"You mean Susan, don't you?" she asked. "In order for me to be special, Susan loses everything?"

"Our heart's desires don't come without a price," the queen responded sternly.

Perry's hopes and dreams were dashed again. Although getting to rule the universe sounded amazing, Perry didn't think she would be able to bear it if she lost Susan. Susan, after all, had been her best friend since she was five. And even though Susan was, inadvertently, part of Perry's self-esteem problems, Perry loved the girl more than anything. To lose Susan would be to lose the best part of her life. But even more than losing a best friend, if Perry agreed to the fairy's deal, she would be giving up one of the biggest reasons why she wanted to be special at all.

It was a secret Perry could hardly even admit to herself, but in truth, the real reason behind why Perry had chosen Silas was because she wanted to impress Susan. It was her hope that by learning magic, she would finally have a skill that could match Susan's own genius. Susan was just so… brilliant. In every sense of the word! There was nothing Susan could not do. She was strong, smart, sweet, skilled. She was everything! She aced all math and science, a prodigy to her hometown. Of course standing beside someone like that made Perry feel small and insignificant.

So Perry had not just come to Silas for her own benefit, she had also come in hopes of elevating herself in Susan's eyes. It was her belief that if she could become a witch, she would finally have something equal to Susan's skill in science. Perhaps then, Perry could feel a bit more worthy of Susan's love. But now, the very fairy offering Perry everything she'd ever wanted was demanding Susan's own specialness in return. That was a price Perry just could not bring herself to pay. Not only would it undo so much of what she'd worked to achieve already, but it just wasn't right. Perry could never bring herself to hurt her nearest and dearest companion, no matter what else was at stake.

"Yeah. I get that… But I can't hurt Susan," Perry had said, finally making her choice. "I'm sorry about this…" And that had been the moment when she reversed the summoning spell and sent the fairy queen away. It brought her great regret, but she still did it. She was not able to walk away from that encounter completely ok though. Instead, she immediately swore off all magic and mythos from that day forward and became obsessed with the natural, normal, safe and healthy. It was a total 180 from how she used to be.

She drew inward and became completely convinced that it had all been one giant, crazy hallucination. Magic wasn't real! Everyone knew that! It was all just silliness. Childish games! None of it was real at all! And anyone who tried to say otherwise was an idiot. From that day forward, Perry would only put her faith in the real and normal. Nothing magic, nor crazy, nor weird, just normal. And safe. And plain. And boring. That was the truth of the world and that was the truth Perry wanted to follow, from now until forever. Or so she thought…

Despite externally swearing away anything out of the ordinary, Perry's life seemed intertwined with the supernatural. And for every normal deed she performed, another unexplained and magical one would happen to her in return. These repeated memories and dreams of the fairy queen was just one example. Then Susan finally joined her, having agreed to attend Silas just because of how weird and wonderful it sounded. Typical Susan. She had always been one for the weird. This school was perfect for someone like her!

And Silas' oddities continued to plague them both for another year more, then a certain young woman by the name of Laura Hollis arrived. That girl, Perry was sure, was a magnet for the weird and wicked. That whole year was spent in pure magical madness, and even though Perry repeatedly, adamantly, insisted that they all stay out of it, and that none of it was really real anyway, it was of no use. The weird happened anyway. And Perry, admittedly, couldn't help that small spark that would rise up in her stomach whenever Laura, Susan, or any of their other friends would make mention of some new fantastical event going on at Silas. It seemed that even now, a tiny part of Perry still wanted this magical dream to be true so she could partake in it and maybe finally make a name for herself. It seemed that even now, a tiny part of Perry still wanted to be special.

But at the same time, the "normal" lifestyle that Perry had adopted since her freshman year clashed with the side of her that wanted to go on crazy adventures and do miraculous things. It caused quite an inner turmoil for the poor woman and, quite often, these clashing ideals would result in anxiety. The main issue was that part of Perry wanted something special to happen but, in order for something special to happen, the normality had to go away, and Perry wasn't very good at coping with the not-normal. So, she was stuck in an endless loop of desiring normality and specialness at the same time. And life seemed to like rubbing salt in the wound because her circle of friends was decidedly not normal.

This circle included: a vampire, an Amazon, a girl who was in love with both of them, and then Susan… or, Lafontaine. It was confusing. But apparently, Sus- no, Lafontaine, no longer felt like a woman. Instead, even though they didn't quite have a name for what they felt like, they knew for certain that "woman" was not it. Great. Just great. While Perry was in the middle of an identity crisis, Sus-, Lafontaine, was having one of her (their?) own! It made Perry want to scream, as cruel and unfair as that sounded. And the rest of the year only escalated from there…

But one of the weirdest moments definitely had to be waking up in a pit with absolutely no memory of how she had gotten there. She was also wearing some very garish ceremonial garb and Lafontaine, with a missing eye, was right there with her. What? The? Frickle frackle?

"What the heck happened?!" she demanded, sitting up immediately. "And what the heck am I wearing?!"

"Perry! Oh! Perry!" Lafontaine's relieved cry tore Perry from her confusion.

"Laf?" she asked, just seconds before she was enveloped in a bear hug by her old friend.

"Thank goodness you're back!" they wept into her shoulder.

"Back?" Perry asked, then through quite a few tears, Lafontaine finally managed to explain.

Apparently, some time just a little into second semester, Perry got possessed. And by whom? The dean of Silas. She was apparently an ancient Sumerian goddess of love and war named Inanna and she had been possessing Perry for eight months. But why? Well, she needed a new human form after the last one was killed off at the end of first semester. And why did she need a body at all? Well, apparently, she was trying to open the seven Gates of Hell in order to resurrect her husband because he had been slaughtered by the other gods, and by her own folly, many eons ago. Now she wanted him back and she didn't care if she had to start the end of the world to get him. Well. That certainly was a lot to take in.

"Will things ever be normal?" the poor, confused, amnesia-stricken woman despaired wearily.

"I hope so, Perr, I hope so," Lafontaine replied with a weak smile, their remaining eye looking at Perry in sorrow and relief.

And at last, it seemed like fate finally decided to be good to Perry. Life did indeed return to normal. But then Perry found herself still feeling discontent. It was maddening! Once again, she had everything that she could've ever wanted, but she still was not happy. After all the craziness of that whole year, Perry still wasn't content! She still didn't feel… right. She almost missed the action and adventure, even though she had been trapped in the dark for most of it. Perhaps, even though Inanna was fully gone from her body and mind, some remnant of the wild goddess still lived on inside of her, and that was why she still was craving some kind of adventure.

Though a later thought made Perry wonder if it wasn't her old fickle psyche returning to her because, in the back of her mind, a part of her realized that she missed the action and adventure because, without it, she didn't have a chance to prove if she was special or not. (And no, being possessed did not count, though it certainly was… unique). But now, with life being normal at long last, there was no way for Perry to do anything that would make her really shine! It was crazy. Did the paradoxical desires never end?…

"Perry? What's wrong?" Lafontaine asked, walking in to see Perry pacing their dorm room, running her fingers through her fiery curls.

"What?! Oh, nothing!" Perry literally jumped up in surprise, eyes wide and wild. At the same time, though, she couldn't bring herself to face Lafontaine and, instead, she began to fidget with her fingers. But Lafontaine was stubborn. They weren't going to back down so easily and, after almost losing Perry once, they were going to do their best to prevent anything from separating them ever again.

"Come on, Perr, I'm our floor's truth-speaker. You know I know you're lying," Lafontaine said, taking a step closer to their best friend. For a few minutes more, Perry tried to protest that she was fine, but Lafontaine expertly struck down every argument and when Perry finally stopped responding, Lafontaine simply took Perry in their arms and held her…

That little gesture was what destroyed the last of Perry's walls and all of her confessions regarding her insecurities came tumbling out in a tide of tears, tremors and tongue-tied tales. Lafontaine carefully led Perry to one of their beds before letting her finish the rest of the story. Through it all, Lafontaine never let Perry go, not once and not even a little. But once Perry finally did finish getting all of her secrets out, Lafontaine pulled away from her just for a moment.

"Oh, Perry," they sighed, wiping at their friend's tears. "My poor, sweet Perry. You've just been through so much that you're confused!"

"No, no, I'm not confused! I'm NOT!" Perry shouted back. She didn't mean to lash out, especially not at Lafontaine, but she just couldn't keep these conflicting, confusing thoughts locked away inside anymore. She had to tell someone and now it was all coming out, pouring out, and she couldn't stop it. She almost didn't want to. But at the same time, she didn't want it to come out like this...

Eventually, however, Perry had calmed down again and Lafontaine was finally able to get a word in.

"Perry, what I was trying to say was that… well… you are special. You already are special, even if you don't know it, and even if you don't believe it," they said, taking Perry's hands in their own. Perry eyed them cautiously and they knew that this was a sign for them to explain. "What I mean is, and I am being honest here, you are special. You are stronger and braver than any of the rest of us. Laura, Carmilla, Danny, Mel, Kirsch and I? Yeah, we've done some heroic things, but you're still braver than us. We were doing all of these things because we felt excited while doing them. It takes no courage to do something you aren't afraid of doing. It does take courage, however, to do something you're terrified of and you, Perry, have done exactly that. You had to work so hard just to keep pace with us. How can you say you aren't special, or strong?"

"But I was possessed-" Perry began, but Lafontaine cut her off.

"I meant even before that," they said. "Even back in first semester, when you tried so hard to get Laura to stop looking for Betty and messing with vampires and sacrifices and cults. Even back then, although you tried so hard to get us all to stop, you never stopped either. You never ran away or gave up or abandoned us. Not completely, anyway. I know there was that time we fought and you kind of gave up on us then, but you came back to us! In the end, you came back. You always do… Don't you remember? Joining us for the last battle? Killing some of those vampires even though the unnatural terrified you? Don't you think that was special?"

Lafontaine paused for a moment to let Perry think and, slowly, it began to sink in. Lafontaine saw the realization flicker across Perry's face and they smiled. Then they continued to explain all the times when Perry had acted courageously. It was actually quite a long list.

"How can you think you aren't special?" Lafontaine asked. "You keep us all together! Perhaps you aren't a front-line soldier, but that's not the only role that allows for bravery! Your bravery is of a different kind, but it's no less important! It's like saying actors are better than stage-assistants. That's simply not true! You gave everyone in the Dimwit Squad a home to return to. You supported us physically through your wonderful cooking and baking. And you supported us mentally and emotionally through your comfort and care, and even your worrying. You only ever wanted to keep us safe. And you did such a wonderful job of that. It's thanks to you any of us are still alive, or sane. You took such care of us. You always did.

"You were pretty much our Team Mom! And then, whenever things did get bad, you never did hesitate to fight. I know you don't see yourself as a fighter, but I remember every vampire you ever attacked out of sheer willpower and protective anger. You are a real Mama Bear!" Lafontaine paused and shivered a bit. "Perry, you may not think it, but you can be really scary and tough sometimes and given all the other times you would claim to cower or try to hide, I'd say that that's pretty brave. That's pretty special…"

"You think?" Perry sniffled.

"I know," Lafontaine promised. Perry gave a wet laugh and Lafontaine smiled. It was good to see Perry looking happy and confident again. That was such a rare thing for Perry (sad as that was to say), so of course Lafontaine was quick to cherish every second of Perry's pride and joy.

But if Lafontaine was happy, Perry was ecstatic! In one simple talk, Lafontaine had successfully destroyed so many of Perry's demons and walls. In just five minutes, nearly 20 years of self-esteem issues and anxiety were finally confronted and the wounds were, at last, starting to heal. Oh, it would still be a long and hard road because self confidence was not easy to come by, but it was a start! And it was all thanks to Lafontaine. The irony of this fact was not lost upon Perry, but she was far too happy to care anymore. Even though she knew she'd still struggle with her self-image, hearing Lafontaine listing so many of the good and brave and special deeds she had already done was the greatest comfort in the world and Perry believed every word they said. She could only hope that one day, she would be able to see this specialness herself and not have to take it on faith. Maybe she would even be able to pick out moments where she could say, "Hey! That was me! I did that! And I am proud!"

But either way, Perry was finally starting to see the truth. She finally saw her own specialness and value. Finally, she felt worthy of the love she had, even though she had been worthy of it all along. And it was the love from Lafontaine that helped get her there. The love Perry once feared losing was now the love that was saving her, and reminding her that she was so much stronger and braver than she ever knew. Now Perry knew that this love was hers forever, and the fear of losing it to something else than she was never going to come true. For the first time in her life, right in the arms of Lafontaine, Perry felt truly happy. She felt truly loved, safe, seen and special.

AN: This plotless fic was just shameless Perry analysis. Perry is honestly one of my favorite Carmilla characters and I relate to her in so many ways. Consider this almost a reflection of me, though I was not quite as unlucky as Perry. But that feeling of insignificance and being boring is one I am well acquainted with.

From these gloomy thoughts came this story, wherein Perry admits to herself that she wants so desperately to be loved but, until the very end, she cannot bring herself to confess it out loud. But the moment the truth comes out, she starts to feel better and Laf helps her see just how extradentary she really is. (I just want to hug Perry so much!)

Also, because Laf's transition doesn't start until S1, I used their old name and pronouns for the S0 part.