Set between Episode 7 and 8 in Series 4. Remembering Delia's declaration outside the tea room, Patsy takes action. She doesn't want to lose her, but what can she do when society won't accept them? Will she be enough for Delia even if they can never marry?
Don't break the Thread
By TR
Patsy rolled her shoulders, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was it, for better or for worse, this day would dictate the course of the rest of her life. Whatever happened, she would survive it. She had survived more than most despite her young age. She could survive losing Delia. It would tear her apart, but if Delia chose to walk away, to choose the safe and easy route, she would have to accept it She wouldn't blame her. Not really. Patsy knew she didn't have much to offer, and a heart like Delia's needed someone who could be all in.
Delia never did anything by half. When she loved, she loved hard and strong and open and…oh so sweetly. Patsy's eyes fell shut, as the warmth of memory settled over her. The way her heart stuttered, and then finally felt at home the first time Delia wrapped her arms around her. The first time they'd given in and sank into a kiss that left them both equally breathless and begging for more. The first time Delia held her, kissed her hair, comforted her in the middle of the night. Those moments were burned on her heart, in her mind.
Patsy wondered how they had gotten to this place. What had changed, that Delia would think it easier to marry someone else. A man. She wondered, after all this time, after everything they had shared, if Delia still didn't know the depth of her love and commitment. Didn't she know that in a perfect world they would have been married long ago? Didn't she know that Patsy would spend her whole life loving her? Even if she walked away. Even if she chose to take the easy and safe road, Patsy would go to her grave loving her with everything she had. But everything she had, couldn't be shown. Everything she had, may simply not be enough for Delia. In a society where they could lose so much by the simplest innuendo, to show even a smidgen of what was truly between them would be too much of a risk. Patsy took another shaky breath, and wondered not for the first time if she would be willing to take that risk, take any risk, to keep the woman she loved. How could she have a life with Delia, and still protect her from consequences of the love they shared?
She didn't know the answer. Maybe she would never know. What she did know is that Delia wanted to marry her. Whether they could marry or not was irrelevant. It's what Delia wanted. As she had told her just three nights before through angry and frustrated and heartbroken tears. She said she wanted it more than anything. More than anything? More than being safe and respected in society? More than being a nurse? More than having the love and acceptance of her family?
She stepped through the gates of the park, and headed toward their rickety old bench near the secluded side of the duck pond. She saw Delia sitting sideways with her elbow propped on the back of the bench. Her cheek resting on her fist, looking down at the pages of the book she was holding. One of her knees was drawn up over the other, as she had settled in and waited for Patsy. Patsy took a moment to take her in. To watch the breeze ruffle her hair. To see the outline of her form glowing in the light of the setting sun. Even sitting on the bench curled up and reading, she took Patsy's breath away. Just like she did when she was wearing her uniform, or dressed up for a night out on the town, or silhouetted in the dark of the theater when they went to the pictures, or in her pajamas at the end of a long day, or…every minute, and at all times.
Her heart welled up, and in that moment she would have given the whole world to that beautiful and headstrong and vulnerable woman sitting on their bench immersed in a book. She would give her the world, consequences be damned.
"Delia?" she said, walking toward the bench.
Delia raised her head, and while her heart was still in turmoil, she couldn't help but return Patsy's smile. There was something different about it. Something hopeful and determined, that helped to settle the butterflies in her stomach. She shifted in her seat, stowing her book and putting her feet on the ground.
"Hello Patsy," she said simply.
Patsy held her eyes as she took the seat next to her. For a moment neither of them spoke, then Delia shifted and looked toward the pond. She shook her head, her eyes falling to study the pattern of her skirt, before looking back up to watch the sunset reflecting on the water.
"I feel like I have so many things I want to say to you, but I have no idea what any of them are." She gave a half laugh. "It sounds odd I know. I just…"
"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to," Patsy replied. "You said your piece three nights ago."
"Yes I did," she said quietly. "And I didn't hear from you until this morning."
Patsy's eyes widened. "Deels." She touched her arm. "Hey, look at me."
Delia turned to face her, and Patsy saw the same mix of frustration and sorrow that she had seen outside the tea room when they had spoken. Except this time there was hurt, and challenge, and a wariness that Patsy had never seen before.
To Delia's surprise, Patsy took her hand. "I just needed a day or two. That's all. Just to get my thoughts in order. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to you." She looked down at their clasped hands, let her thumb move over Delia's fingers in a rare caress. "You just…you just said "that's that" and walked off. I didn't know what to say, because you're right. We can't marry. You're right, it may very well be easier for you to…" Patsy took a shaky breath "…to marry someone else. But most of all I didn't know what to say because you said that you and I can never be, and to my mind, we already are."
Delia's lips pursed as she saw Patsy's eyes well up.
"Deels, what we have is real to me. It's the most real thing I've ever had in my life. I know I don't have much of anything to offer you." She gave an almost hopeless shrug. "I can't give you everything you need, but what I have to give is yours. I…" She cleared her throat. "I understand if you feel differently."
Delia watched as she forced the tears back, forced the panic back to its rightful place. She gave Patsy's hand a squeeze. "Is that what you think? That my feelings have changed?"
"I really don't know what to think."
Delia shook her head, gave a mirthless laugh. "I told you I want to marry you. I told you I want that more than anything. How exactly does that mean that my feelings have changed?" She pulled her hand away, and took Patsy by the shoulders. "I love you! You got that? I. LOVE. YOU!"
Patsy gave a sad smile. "I know you do. But is it enough? Deels, I want you to really think about that. Is it enough? Because we may never live in a world where we will be accepted. We may never live in a world where we can be open and honest about what we are to each other. I know you love me, and I love you, too! Oh, I love you," she breathed. "But will it be enough for you, if nothing ever changes? Can you live your whole life with me, knowing that you'll always have to wear that bloody façade?"
For long minutes Delia sat in thoughtful silence, brow furrowed. "Is it enough for you?"
Patsy looked her in the eye. "I'll take every minute with you that I can get, no matter what we have to face. But I understand if it's different for you. I truly do. You have so much more to lose if we are found out. I don't have a family to worry about. I have a trust fund from my father that I have never touched, but if I had to, I could live off that if I lost my job. I don't have a home and community like you do in Pembrokeshire to make me feel like an outcast." She shifted to face her more fully. "I want you to understand, that every time I've shied away from your touch in public, it has torn me up inside." Her eyes sparkled as she smiled, and leaned in conspiratorially. "If I had my way, I'd have my hands on you every chance I got." Delia blushed, and returned her smile. "I know I've worried about public perceptions, but I've done it to protect you. I'm not worried about me."
Delia sighed, and stood up, moving to the water's edge. Patsy saw her shake her head, and turn to face her. Even from that distance Patsy could see her eyes darken to the rich blue, that only meant passion and determination. "Well, stop ok?!" She threw her hands in the air, let them drop. "Stop protecting me! I'm a grown woman. I know the risks, I know what I could lose by loving you." Tears clouded her voice for just a moment before she pushed past them. "And I know what I could lose by losing you!" She moved back over to Patsy, dropped down in front of her. "Let me worry about me. I can keep quiet for both of our sakes. I can wear that bloody façade my whole life. I can bear all of that. I can bear anything, but having you pull away from me. If I reach for you in public, I know the risk I am taking. Let me take that risk!" She took her hand. Kissed it. "I can face whatever is in front of us, as long as I'm actually with you. What we have is enough for me. Having you, is enough for me! As long as I can actually have you!"
"Deels, you DO have me!" Patsy said, brow furrowed.
"No I don't. Not really. I want to come home to you. I want to wave you off in the morning and come home and close the door at night. I know we can't get married. Not legally anyway. But we can have everything but the certificate. That's what I want!"
Patsy smiled, and tugged her up to sit beside her once more, keeping hold of her hand. "Okay." Her smile widened. "Okay, it will take some time to work out our living arrangements, but first things first." With her free hand she took the velvet box from her pocket. "Delia, I don't know if the world will ever change for us. I don't know what lies ahead, but whatever happens, wherever I go, whatever I do, I want you to be with me. I want to live my whole life with you. Marry me! Whenever and however we can. I love you!"
Delia threw her arms around Patsy and was pleased when she held on tight, refusing to pull away, to look around in fear. "Yes," she whispered in her ear.
When Delia pulled back, Patsy opened the box. In it was a gold engagement ring with a raised center diamond and two smaller stones on each side. Secured beside it was a chain. Patsy took it from the box and slid it onto Delia's finger. "I got the chain for you to wear it in public. But for right now, I'll put it where it goes."
Delia beamed! "It's beautiful! I love it!"
"I'm so glad! It took me ever so long to choose!"
They both chuckled, then settled back in together, side by side and watched the sun dip below the horizon. Patsy's thumb traced the ring on Delia's hand, and for the first time in her life she felt as if everything was exactly as it should be.
End of Scene. Good? Bad? Camel breath? Let me know.