Time doesn't pass anywhere near the same in Heaven as it did on Earth.
But that turns out to be a good thing. I get to spend more and more time with my son, I get to love him and teach him everything that I know. I get to watch him succeed. There's nothing that brings me more joy than that. There's no pain here, not the kind that he experienced on Earth. He can fall and get right back up again, play and stumble around in the same way that any toddler should have been able to. I worry, but I don't have to.
At some point, I run into my grandparents, then later on my parents. They're here, thrilled to be here, thrilled to see that I was here and happy. All of them adore Samuel and the fine little boy that he was growing up to be. But they have their own slices of Heaven to live in, just visitors in mine.
Mine is just me and him. A house of our own. I teach him math, science, reading, and writing. I teach him the word of God, and he listens, completely enraptured. It's a complicated subject for any child to really wrap their head around it but the fact that he was in Heaven with me seemed to give him an advantage in the situation. He could believe and love Him just as intensely as I did. That was a truly beautiful thing. I had thought that it would be hard to raise a child in an interfaith household, but instead, I'd gotten to raise him right here in Heaven. When it came to religion, there was nothing complicated about that.
It's a cloudy day when I realize that I'm no longer just with my son here. Samuel had grown, a proper child now, strapping as ever. Still looked no older than ten, but wise beyond his years. I'd like to think that would have been true had I gotten to raise and be with him on Earth, too.
"Momma," he asked, tugging on my sleeve. "Who's that?"
I turn around to figure out who he's talking about, easy to spot him in my empty house. For a moment, all I can do is stand there and smile, relieved that all of my prayers had been answered.
When we make eye contact, the same appreciative smile broke across his face. I let go of Samuel for a moment to run to him, full force ahead, leaping into his arms once the distance between us had been eliminated. He lifted me up and swung me around in a circle, the same way he'd done on that empty road somewhere in southern Washington state. My arms wrap around his neck, and everything that had ever happened between the two of us is forgiven and gone.
"Jackson," I speak his name gently once my feet find the ground again, arms staying planted on him, one hand cupping his face. He doesn't say a word initially, just bending down and sealing his mouth over mine in a firm, passionate kiss.
"April," he finally said my name once the kiss between us had broken, mirroring me and cupping my face. "Is this… what I think it is?" He questioned.
I nodded my head slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, it's Heaven." I smiled. "I guess it's okay if you don't believe as long as you were a good person, as long as you lived a good life…" There's something sentimental in my voice, turning sad for a brief moment as I realize there's still one member of our family who isn't here with us. "Harriet?" I questioned quietly.
"She's just like you," Jackson remarked fondly. "Maybe a little more of a troublemaker. She's a trauma surgeon. Top of her class at Harvard. Didn't need the Avery name to get her there, either. She thought that Doctors Without Borders was her calling more than the foundation was. She wanted to be just like you, she wanted to make you proud in every way possible."
I couldn't help but tear up at the thought of our beautiful little girl growing up to be such a fine woman, but before I can wipe away my tears, he does. I smile at him for a moment, blinking a few times to try and keep any further tears from spilling over the edge. I had wanted to be there for her and watch over her every step of the way, but it seemed like she hadn't needed me there to still make me proud. She was everything that I had ever imagined that she would be and more. Even if she didn't remember me, it seemed like she had still managed to keep a piece of me in her life somehow. Jackson had done well, just like I knew he would.
"I missed you so much, Jackson. I love you so much." I murmured affectionately, cupping his face a little firmer, reaffirming the fact that he was actually right there, with me. It's not a figment of my imagination, not temporary or fleeting. He's there, he's real, and he's with me and my son. I couldn't have asked for anything more.
"I missed you too, April," he breathed out sincerely, rubbing his thumb across my cheek. "You have no idea how much I missed you. I could never move on. I could never find someone that I loved nearly as much as I love you." Tears form in my eyes, unable to help myself. In a way, it hurts to hear that. Even if we have been meant to be, I had wanted him to be happy for the remainder of his life, to find it in some way or another. I hoped that he had it with Harriet, even if it was a different kind of happiness. In a way, it was… better, almost. I loved Samuel and Harriet more than anyone else in the world.
I knew Samuel, though, he was attached as my hip as always. And I hoped that Harriet had been the same for him, that raising our little girl had brought him as much joy, happiness, and intrinsic satisfaction as I had here with Samuel. That was all that I could really ask for. I would get to see and know Harriet again one day, tell her how much I loved her, hold her in my arms the way that I'd never had the chance to. And then, I would have all the time in the world with her. I'm sure that Jackson had told her stories about me from the way that he described her, but she'd get to know her mother, and I would get to know my daughter again.
Just like Jackson was about to get to know his own son.
"There's someone here that you need to meet," I smiled at him for a moment, pulling away so that I could turn around and wave Samuel over. He'd been watching the two of us, probably not sure what to say. "Sammy, come here. It's time for you to meet your daddy."
"My daddy?" Our son asked as he walked over.
"Samuel? Samuel Norbert?" I heard Jackson whisper behind me, placing a hand on his shoulder as he stepped forward.
I bent down, resting my hands on my knees so that I was at eye level with our boy. "Sammy, this is your daddy. He's going to be with us now." I introduced, stepping back a little to let them have a moment of their own.
Jackson stared at him with wide eyes, tears glossing his gaze for a moment as he realized what was going on. He slowly got down on a knee in front of Samuel, taking in and examining our boy. Based on how old Harriet must have been from the stories – he was probably confused to see Samuel so young. But to me, it made perfect sense. God had given us the opportunity to raise our son. He had given that to me when I hadn't had the one to raise Harriet. And now, he was finally giving the both of us the opportunity to raise a child that we loved dearly together. He was giving and giving. God really was great.
"Hi, Samuel," Jackson said gently, placing his hands on his shoulders.
Sammy was far from the shy child, though, certainly his father's son with all of the natural charisma that he contained. I had told him everything that there was to say about Jackson, how wonderful of a man he was, and that no doubt encouraged him at the moment. I watched as Samuel leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his father's neck, squeezing him in a big hug. My heart swelled at the magnificent sight.
"Hi daddy," he said. My heart swelled and I couldn't help but tear up again with the opportunity to watch such a beautiful moment before father and son. "I'm Samuel."
"I know, buddy, I know," Jackson huffed out with laughter, wrapping his arms around our son's frame and straightening up, lifting our boy with him easily. He spun him around in the same way that he had with me before and a huge smile blew across my features, heart absolutely swelling with joy.
"I love you two so much," I murmured softly, stepping forward once he had finished spinning him around, kissing the both of them on their cheeks. "My two boys." Affection heavy in the air, I couldn't help but ruffle the growing curls on Samuel's head.
There's no way to even begin to describe how intensely I had missed Jackson. He had been my soulmate, I knew that was the truth. Even with all of the time to reflect on how things had gone between the two of us, I knew that we were meant to be. And now, I had my proof of it. Jackson hadn't believed and yet here he was, with me. I knew that he was a good man, I knew that he deserved to be here just as much as anyone else did. And now I knew that the love that we had for each other had really stood the test of time.
Everything between us had ultimately gone wrong after we had lost Samuel. Things hadn't been perfect before, but they've been better, healthier. The grief had destroyed the both of us and then we'd let it destroy our relationship. We'd been on the road to recovery, surely, before fate had become untimely and prevented that from happening. The fact that it was the three of us here, now, after everything… it just felt like it was all clicking into place finally.
"He's just like you," I murmured to Jackson, unable to help myself. "Funny, smart, charming."
"Are you sure that's not just like you?" Jackson retorted without missing a beat. I laugh and shake my head.
"Momma always says that I'm just like you!" Samuel piped loudly in with a smile. "She always talks about you, Daddy. Says how much she loves you and Hattie." I smile at the nickname that had been developed early on – he'd struggled with his r sounds for a little while, and adopted that nickname for his little sister. I loved it. "Momma thinks you're the best. She loves you a lot. Almost as much as me!"
The words spur a genuine laugh out of Jackson and I can't help but give a slight blush. There was nothing untrue about what he was saying, of course. I had bragged on and on about Jackson, how much I loved him. The reflection time had been good.
"Well, Mommy loves the both of you a lot. More than the whole world." I commented.
"More than anything else!" Samuel echoed enthusiastically, throwing his arms out wide.
"Well, I love the both of you very, very much." Jackson smiled. I can only imagine how he must miss Harriet, but he seems completely genuine in the joy on his face. "Did you know that you're named after my favorite uncle, Norbert? That's where your middle name comes from, buddy."
"I wanna hear about Uncle Norbert!" Samuel declared immediately.
I can't help but laugh, barely chewing on my lower lip. Samuel loved to hear stories – it filled me with joy, but it made me sad, too. He wanted to hear about the normal life that he would never get. In a way, there are good things. He'll never know the suffering and pain that I had been through. He'll never have to be able to comprehend why that occurred to good people, never have to doubt everything that he was doing because of it. But he clearly wanted to know more. More than what I could reasonably show him from up here.
"I can tell you all about him, buddy, don't worry. We've got all the time in the world." Jackson chuckled easily, bending slightly to set him down. I stared him for a moment, really stared at him. He looked older – not substantially so, but a few years, certainly. There's more salt and pepper in his stubble than there had been before, a couple more freckles scattered across his cheek. Even so, he's just as handsome as he had always been.
With Samuel placed down between the two of us, we each take one of his hands. There's something utterly right about the moment, utterly peaceful.
Me and my boys, it's perfect.