Neither of us owns One Piece, we will let you decide after reading this if that is a good thing or not ;-)

-0-0-0-

Beta read by the wonderful MasterQwertster, be sure to check out their own stories!

Inspired by Wolf Strife and Rose7anne101's own "My Family Can Beat Up Your Family." For those with good memories, yes, parts of this chapter are drawn specifically from that story, but it becomes its own story quickly.

-0-0-0-

Luffy's Mother is WHO!?

-0-0-0-

Warning, contains spoilers for…pretty much every chapter associated with the canon wedding itself, and after.

-0-0-0-

It was another beautiful and delicious day on Wholecake Island, capital of Charlotte Linlin's empire.

Charlotte Linlin, who was feared the world over as 'Big Mom.'

Reclining on her throne, Big Mom reflected upon the recent changes to the New World over the last two years. They were two fabulous years for her stomach.

Her territory had grown, as had her sweet supplies, and its varieties.

It was always a delight to taste new and surprising candies and cakes.

She had agreed to take (stole Haaaahahamamama) the leftovers from the old man Whitebeard mainly because of the candy (and pissing on an injured old man when he was down was a pleasure, especially when she rubbed it in the Red Hair brat's face. She got there first! In your face, little brat!).

It was almost two years ago when her spies sent words that the marines, led by the three admirals Akainu, Kizaru, and Aokiji, with hundreds of battleships ambushed the main flagship of Whitebeard. She had every one of her allies and crew be ready to set sail immediately to any of the old man's territories near them.

She should have known that Kaidou would not stay put and wait like a good doggy. He attacked the old man with his whole fleets of allies. The fact that rat called Blackbeard and his band of mischief was with the beast left no doubt in her mind that he knew about the ambush beforehand. Only Kaidou would work with unsavory people like that. Traitors were always traitors. It was a known secret that the dog of the government Doflamingo had another leash on him, made from unbreakable steel.

Whitebeard was not known as the strongest man in the world for nothing, and the marines were stupid if they thought isolating him with half his crew and no allies would make him any easier to take down.

Even on her deathbed, she would never admit to it, but Whitebeard –at least after Roger's death– did rule the seas besides the empty throne Roger left in his wake. Some say he still does, she disagrees.

She could never fathom why Whitebeard didn't use all his power and cunning to reach Raftel and take the crown by force. It wasn't because he couldn't, but because- for whatever reason- he didn't want to and that made him the most dangerous person in the world, in her eyes.

Without his allies to worry about, Whitebeard unleashed his fruit powers to its full extent. It was bloody!

The reports coming from the area afterwards were telling of waterfalls falling out of the sky, their flow changing between ice and lava randomly, whole areas of undiscovered land that were once open water, of storms standing still, red seas as blood roamed the sky like clouds, and even crazier weather than even the New World was used to. Some of her ministers warned that they may feel the changes of the weather pattern here in her own land. Damn you, old man.

The world government needed to announce the whole area was now quarantined off as too dangerous for human life—beyond the already naturally unnatural weather and hazards found throughout the New World. A moronic and short-sighted attempt to try and claim they actually had the power to provide security and control over that region –it would take several fleets to patrol such a vast areas— to quell the panic and fear of the sheep. It had been both amusing and…educational to read some of those hysterical news articles after the event.

The Tremor-Tremor Fruit is said to have the power to destroy the world. Now everyone wanted to enter the forbidden 'war zone', hoping to see an illustration of how the world would look if Whitebeard decided 'to hell with you all.'

The fight lasted two days, then the old man's allies arrived and even the brat Red Hair got involved and had a row with Kaidou.

The Marines tried to play the whole thing down, but the story spread like wildfire.

The fact that the best and brightest of the marines and another Yonko and traitor banded together and still couldn't take him down, made his legend soar even more. Whitebeard was the ultimate winner.

She had to admit, it made her hesitate for few seconds, if she should or shouldn't make the Fishman Island hers. But she was a Yonko, and she would never let such a golden chance go by. By the time the war had ended her allies and her sons had reached an understanding with the Fishman king. Neptune had wholeheartedly agreed. He was beyond grateful that the Fishman Island had become her turf.

Whitebeard had survived of course, (he wouldn't be the winner if he hadn't, very unfortunate! It would have made things so much easier if he had died) except even he had been grievously injured in the process— the reports about how much varied. For anyone else that elderly, and with those kinds of wounds, they would be cold-stone dead. As it was, rumor had it that he was slowly healing up, while intensifying the training of his Division Commanders.

This didn't bode well for the marines, Kaidou, and maybe even her. It meant that Whitebeard was being cautious with his next step. When a man that strong chose to take his time and prepare, especially with all the resources and powerhouses at his disposal…

Regardless, no one felt testing him anytime soon.

She knew when the old man fully recovered, she would have a fight on her hands, so she intended to enjoy every bit of the candy while she still could.

(And yes, the reason he had not tried anything yet was probably because she largely left the inhabitants alone. she was a Yonko and she almost always kept her promises, especially when candy was involved. They delivered her the promised candies in the promised quantities, and at the promised time, she left them alone. After all, they needed every working hand and each second to prepare the next promised delivery).

(In fact, she was confident that Jinbe and his crew, despite officially joining her crew, were giving the man reports, and were smuggling back wealth to cover all the costs of creating the candy for Neptune and Fishman Island. Whitebeard was sentimental like that, acting as if he were still taking responsibility for the inhabitants in her turf. She could care less! If Whitebeard was intending to use his wealth to keep her stomach happy, she had no objection whatsoever! Of course when the time came and Jinbe showed his true colors, she would take care of him as fitting with his crime. She hadn't used her lovely roulette in a while).

In fact, speaking of her beautiful little toy, Napoleon had passed onto her some reports from her spies on Fishman Island –she was appreciative of their sweets, not stupid— that Jinbe might be planning to leave her crew for some unfathomable reason! Whitebeard was the obvious suspect, which was worrisome since it meant the old man was on the move, yet it seemed too pre-emptive without her rival first proving his strength against a more tougher and strategic target. Bah! It did not matter, only that Jinbe suffered appropriately!

Which of course led her to reflect upon that incident with that snot-nosed rookie who had claimed to have eaten all of this month's candy.

A member of the Worst Generation, Monkey D. Luffy.

The bringers of the New Pirate Era as they liked to describe themselves (they dare infer that her era ended! HUH! Naïve!), were trash that dared to come floating her way, looking for any cranny and nook while trying to sneak in.

They dared to try to invade her paradise, tainting and soiling it with their greedy filthy grabby hands. Even worse because of them, she needed to waste money on stupid things like fixing and buying new ships, instead of securing more candies or at least more ingredients for her delicious cakes.

Unfortunately, the price to pay because of those annoying rookies was still steep.

Snack, who had once been one of her favourite sons, one of the former Four Sweet Commanders (holding the highest authority, respect, and fighting prowess amongst the crew after her) was defeated by that Mad Monk. She had raged upon hearing this.

Some new hatchling defeated one of her best. That was unforgivable.

Cracker, another commander, took care of the problem, or at least he should have done.

After the storm of fury and rage she sent subsided, they looked and looked and couldn't find his corpse. Mama had several ideas to what to do with it, better yet if he was still alive to enjoy it.

But alas they didn't find a corpse, and new news held that he may be alive. This scum had brought the greatest shame on her crew, and he may be alive laughing at her.

She shouldn't have let her sons and daughters handle this, she should have done it herself, should have killed all those small ants, and made an example out of them.

That imp boy Kidd (his name and look) with no sense of style had the audacity to attack and destroy two of her allies' ship.

But the one the infuriated her the most was the brat Straw Hat. He was a damn bloody D. Another one. (It took years to get rid of the last one, the blasted Roger, he stole what was rightfully hers!).

Damn them all to the seven hells.

She had really been looking forward to the ten tons of sweets this month from the Fishman Island to help her brighten her mood. She was planning a huge tea party, and deciding on who to invite and share the delights with her.

And to make matters worse, he had the nerve to challenge her (she admired ballsy people, assuming they were not an inflated balloon full of words, but could back it up. Then she could have some real fun while she crushed them.) and to lie to her that he ate all of her candy (she didn't care who was to blame for her missing candy, only that there was someone to blame) and to declare that he would defeat her in the New World and claim Fishman Island as his own territory (she wondered if the brat knew he would have to fight the old man too, it didn't matter, she would crush them all).

She was meaning to wait until he came to her territory, and then destroy him bit by bit, like she was doing to the layered cake in front of her; to devour him layer by layer, to see his broken spirit laying by her feet.

But the insufferable brat teamed up with another one of the worst generation, a Warlord, Surgeon of Death, Trafalgar Law and they had the gall to kidnap her prized scientist-Caesar – who was the key to finding the secret of gigantification. Caesar had promised he had the results ready, she was this close for her perfect utopia, her dream since she was five— her promise to Mother Carmel.

But once again the D brat had to foil her plans.

Still, Linlin had not become an Emperor on her power alone. She knew how to gather information and plan accordingly.

Baron Tamago, her most powerful and trusted combatant who was not of her own flesh and blood, had been ordered to gather whatever information he could about Straw Hat, and soon she would know precisely how to hurt him.

Straw Hat needed only to be able to use his mouth, so she could hear his lovely voice screaming.

She had sent her other son Cracker, to finish the job he fumbled before, to bring her that ballsy monk, so she can cut his balls off for him. If he was already dead, oh well, she would cut them anyway.

Cracker wouldn't fail either. On the off chance he failed to do so, he better bring himself in a box of crackers and jam, he would at least be useful as snack.

But that wasn't enough, she was being looked down on. The laughing stock of the Yonko.

It took the marines in all of their glory, Kaidou and the turncoat Teach to take down old man Whitebeard, and it still ended with him having the upper hand and alive. And here she was having trouble taking care of small fry.

She was the one that those new insignificant small flies dared attack, she needed to make an example out of them. Something memorable.

After she finished, they would cower just by the mere whisper of her name.

And that gusty Straw Hat was the one she chose.

He would make a beautiful bedtime story about a young ambitious man sailing the sea, making a name for himself until he challenged the sea and wind and didn't listen to Mama's advice and ate more than he could swallow and so no trace of him was ever found. His name was forgotten 'cause none alive can remember him…and what is the morale of this story, my darling little children?

Don't piss your Mama off, always obey her and love her.

She would not only annihilate him and his tiny pack of crew and allies (including Jinbe if necessary!), but also everything he held dear.

His name would only be found on old faded bounty posters.

Big Mom swallowed the bit of cake enjoying the taste as much as the vision her mind was drawing.

Then Tamago ran into her audience chamber without even being announced.

Only his years of dedicated service kept Big Mom from crippling him.

Well, more than he was already crippled.

"Mamma!" he gasped. "Sorry Mamma sorry… soir. But I had to tell you as soon as I could! The boy's father, it's Monkey D. Dragon! Of the Revolutionary Army bon!"

The Emperor froze.

-0-0-0-

[Flashback]

"I see," leered Big Mom as she looked down at the insect before her. Albeit, a stronger insect than usual, with a unique bloodline. "Very well, I will give you those supplies you so desperately need, in exchange for something else."

"Yes?" was the gravely reply.

"You are strong, so…I want a child!"

"…What?"

-0-0-0-

"That's all that's needed," the hooded man asked as he looked at Tamago.

"Yes," the Longleg nodded. "You just fill up this tube, and we'll handle the rest. Big Mom doesn't like to be distracted from eating."

"I see."

Tamago could have sworn he heard the new 'husband' mutter something about, "I knew the old man was messing with me… How babies were made."

-0-0-0-

Big Mom grinned down at the screaming baby boy. "Well now, how will you help your dear Mamma?" Then she glanced down at Katakuri, her strongest, most dependable child, who had just entered her room. "Was there any trouble?"

"No, Mamma," he calmly answered. "The father did not understand why his presence was unnecessary. He left without much issue however."

Expression growing more malicious, Big Mom sneered. "Good, good."

She laid the baby into his cradle, while a wet nurse brought up a bottle –Mamma did not provide the milk herself, too tiring— to feed the little guy.

Suddenly the window shattered open, and even Katakuri was caught off guard. In a burst of wind, the nurse was knocked to the ground, and Big Mom could only whirl around to stare at the man framed by the stormy night sky.

In his arms was her baby.

Thunder lit up the night sky, framing the tribal tattoos that ran down half his face.

Then he was gone.

-0-0-0-

[Present]

"How sure is your source!?" hissed Linlin, the cup in her hand had already become dust. Tamago was no fool, yet it was best to be sure.

"That secretary for Vice-Admiral Onigumo, who thinks he's funneling information to Cipher Pol," was the prompt answer. That source had been reliable in the past. "He overheard Vice-Admiral Garp arguing with former Fleet Admiral and acting Inspector Sengoku about it while delivering some files."

"…My baby boy," Big Mom whispered. "And a 400 million bounty all on his own."

And he dared to challenge her, her sweet summer child. Her blood was strong in her little boy.

Her smile was terrifying to behold. "Summon Katakuri, he has a wayward brother to recover."

Hmmmm…maybe he really had eaten all of that candy. Such a sweet tooth! Like it should be!

Big Mom relaxed, a terrifying smile adorning her face.

She let out a long laugh, unable to contain her merry mood inside.

"Haaaaaahahamamamama"

She had a party to prepare.

~~To Be Continued…~~

Author Notes:

If Big Mom is Luffy's mother, then we just say that Oda read our chapter and was inspired by us. If Big Mom is not Luffy's mother, then Oda read this and he hurried to make something totally brand new because he is awesome like that. X-D

-0-

Please Review, and we will get back to you!