Hi everyone, this is something a little bit different to my other pieces. I was inspired listening to Scott Alan's 'Again', performed by the incomparable Hadley Fraser. Check it out if you're not familiar with it.

Italics are flashbacks.

This is rated T, but there's one sex scene and a few swear words. Overall though, I'm getting definite T vibes.

I'll be updating Remember Joy very soon but in the meantime, I hope you enjoy this.

Reviews mean the world to me.

Foreword

It's raining, and all I can think is that Maura must be fretting about her hair today. Today. Today is a day I'll never forget. It's the day I lose her forever.

Don't get me wrong, she's happy. I know she is. Recently she's had the same glint in her eye as she used to when I told her I loved her, or kissed her nose, or ran her a bath after a long day at work. That's what makes it so devastating, that he can make her as happy as I could. Perhaps even more so.

The concept of marriage was always a little obscure to me. I never thought about what I wanted my wedding to be like because I never thought I'd have one. Until I met her. And she taught me to love myself, and to love her, and love the idea of a life together.

xxx

She's lying in the crook of my arm and her hand is tracing patterns lightly on my bare stomach. Sunlight streams through the open blinds, and I can hear birds singing in the tree outside. We're letting the world in, little by little.

Our skin is still glowing from love making and I brush her hair behind her ear, smiling down at her. She reaches up and presses her lips against mine. They're soft but her kisses are firm. They mean something. They mean everything. Her fingers brush my cheek and she pulls me deeper into the kiss. I swear, if you look up the word 'content' in the dictionary, this moment right here would be what you'd find.

"Jane, you know you said you'd like your wedding to be held at Fenway?"

"Why, you thinking of proposing? A little stereotypical don't you think?"

"Oh you mean the belief that relationships involving two women often move at a quicker pace than heterosexual relationships? I'm not sure there's any truth to that."

"Alright smarty pants, just answer the question."

"Are you asking me whether I want to marry you? Because the answer to that would be yes."

I swear to God, time stops and it's just me and her and there's no murder, no sadness, no tragedy. Just the two of us, and the love we share.

"Right now?"

"Well that's hardly sensible is it, Jane? We haven't got dresses. The reason I asked about Fenway is that, well, I wondered if we could compromise on the location."

"You're being very presumptuous you know, Doctor Isles. Who says I want to marry you?"

She moves her face so close to mine my eyes go blurry, and she whispers against my lips

"I see it in your eyes, Detective."

And I never find out what the compromise was because we get a little distracted.

xxx

My Ma is coming round to my flat so we can go shopping for a wedding outfit and she's due any minute and I'm struggling to think of excuses for why I can't go. How do I say "I can't go shopping for a wedding outfit because I can't go to the wedding of the love of my life and some random guy she's known for a year" without actually saying those words?

I don't know if my Ma knows about Maura and me. I never told her because she's so hung up on the idea of me finding a man to marry and have kids with. I want marriage and I do want kids, but I don't want them with a man. I want them with Maura. And now that'll never happen.

Jeez, I'm depressing myself now.

There's a knock at the door and I decide to just stay silent and pretend not to be in.

"Janie, I could see you in your window, I know you're in there. Don't try and get out of today just because you hate shopping, you've got to get a new dress for Maura's wedding, so help me God you will not go looking like a ragamuffin."

I groan and rub my hands over my face. I rip the door open and give my mother my best glower.

"I'm not feeling well, I'll get a dress another time."

Ma's standing there in my doorway and a part of me feels bad at the disappointed look on her face, but most of me just wants her to go away so I can continue wallowing and wondering where it all went wrong.

xxx

"Maura, can we please just talk about this? I know I messed up, but I have to explain. Please."

There's a moment of silence and I consider hanging up but then she says fine, okay, can I meet her in half an hour at the morgue? Never mind that it's nearly midnight, it's not really my place to admonish her for working long hours anymore. So I go, and we get in her car to take a drive because she says she thinks better when she's driving.

I'm sitting there in the passenger seat with fidgety feet, picking at a loose thread on my jacket and not looking at Maura. She pulls up in a parking lot and her hands rest on the steering wheel. I can tell she's doing one of those breathing exercise things, and part of me feels weirdly proud that I still have an effect on her. But then she turns to me with tears in her eyes and I feel horrible.

"I can't do this anymore Jane. I thought I could be your best friend again when… when things ended between us. I thought things would go back to normal, and we'd be able to sit on my couch together, watching movies and talking about cases, but I can't. I can't even bear to be near you."

"Maura, I don't know how else to say I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand why things had to happen the way they did. I understand that you weren't ready..."

"That's not…"

"Yes, it is, Jane. You weren't ready to embrace who you truly are, and I don't blame you for that."

I'm not normally a crier. Anyone who knows me knows that. But upsetting Maura is inexcusable and I hate myself and there's tears sliding down the bridge of my nose as I look down at my lap. My chest is tight and my cheeks are burning and I think I'm going to be sick.

I can sense that Maura's crying too, and I'm stuck between wanting to run away and never see her again, and yearning to take her into my arms and tell her that everything's going to be okay, we can go back to how it was before, I'll take care of everything.

"I can't be near you, Jane, because all I can think about is kissing you. Touching you." She grips the steering wheel until her knuckles turn white.

I breathe in sharply, daring to glance over at her. I can't read her expression but I know, suddenly, that I could never run away from her. Even if it's painful to be around her and not actually have her, I can't live without her.

"Why don't you then?"

"What?"

I look her straight in the eye and take a deep breath.

"Kiss me. Touch me. Please. I feel like I'm dying."

Her mouth is on mine before I even realise she's moved. Her tongue invades my mouth and I let it, sucking on it and drawing out a deep moan from her chest.

"Maura…"

"Shh. Don't talk. Just kiss me."

Fresh tears prick at my eyes and I nearly choke on our kiss. My hands move down to her breasts and squeeze hard. She gasps, and suddenly she's climbing across the centre console and she's on top of me. I have the presence of mind to push my chair back and she falls down onto me, our heaving chests pressing together.

I can feel my heart beating everywhere, but nowhere stronger than between my legs. It's been three weeks and I've missed being able to touch her for every single second.

She grabs my hand, which I'm rubbing up and down her side, and guides it underneath her dress. I can feel how wet she is and my head falls back. She drops down and starts grinding on my open palm and I swear I've never been so turned on in my life.

I don't stop to think about how fucked up that is, that this weird breakup/make up sex is turning me on more than any other sexual experience, and instead push her panties aside and slip two fingers inside her. Her hips buck instantly and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep up with her, but I'm sure as shit gonna try.

She moves wildly, arms gripping round the headrest, her breasts achingly close to my face. I wrap my free arm behind her, pulling her into me, going deeper with each thrust of her hips. She's whimpering, and whispering my name. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

I move forward slightly, giving myself enough room to move my fingers in and out, in and out. I suck on her neck and reach up to pull her hair. She gasps, so I do it again. She's moaning my name, and I can feel the car moving. I can only hope no one decides to take a midnight stroll through the car park any time soon.

I never want this to end, but I know she's close. I press my thumb against her clit and curl my fingers and her back arches, her neck strains, her muscles tighten and she manages to cry out my name in a sob.

I continue massaging inside of her, kissing her neck tenderly, using my tongue to sooth the marks I left there moments earlier. When she stops moving her hips and rests her forehead against mine, I pull out. I feel empty, so I know she must do too. She kisses the top of my head and I feel her tears in my hair.

"Maura, please, I love you. Please give me another chance. I promise things will be better." She's sitting down on my lap now, legs still bent either side of my waist. She weeps into my chest and I pull her closer still, rubbing her back, trying to make her believe what I'm saying.

I let her finish crying and she wipes her eyes on the back of her hand. She looks down in shock, as if suddenly realising the position she's in.

"We shouldn't have done that," she whispers. She's looking down, at the window, anywhere but into my eyes.

She pushes herself off me, someone managing to look graceful as she returns to the driver's seat. She runs her fingers through her hair, pulling the sun visor down so she can check her face in the mirror.

"What do you mean?"

She stops fiddling with her bangs and looks at me. I can't read her expression. She looks like she's in pain but she has this serenity about her I can't fathom.

"We can't do that again, Jane. That shouldn't have happened. We're never going to be able to go back to how things were before… before us, unless we at least try to act as best friends do."

"We've been best friends for years Maura, and I don't think we acted like best friends even then. There's always been something else there, and I'm not willing to throw that away. I love you, I'm in love with you. You're it. I don't know how I can make that any more clear."

She's still breathing heavily and I can still feel her on my fingers. This is so fucked up.

Her hand twitches, like she wants to reach out and touch me but thinks better of it, and I know I need to get out. I fumble with the door handle and manage to stumble out of the car. I hear Maura's door open too, but I'm already walking away from her, and I don't turn back. It pains me more and more with every step.

xxx

Work is, to put it mildly, awkward these days. Neither of us wanted to quit. Neither of us would've expected the other to quit. It's just not who we are. But I'd be lying if I said it was easy seeing her in the morgue during an autopsy, or bringing reports to my desk, or buying her low-fat yoghurt in the morning.

I've had this ache inside me ever since that night in the car, but it's about more than just sex. I've not allowed myself to get too close to her, or to be left alone in a room with her. It's too dangerous. I don't trust myself, and I'm not sure she trusts me either. After I walked away that night, I got drunker than I've ever been before, and had to rely on a middle-aged man called Bill to get me home. I knew that being that drunk on my own was risky, but part of me wanted to put myself at risk, to make Maura worried about me. Not that she knew where I was. I checked on Find My Friends, and she drove straight home. The message was clear.

I sit down at my desk and start sifting through the piles of paper in my tray, when she walks in. All I can smell is her perfume, the perfume that I bought for her when we started dating. It's intoxicating, but I stay strong.

As long as she doesn't know she's getting to me, we can go about our daily lives in awkwardness.

"Hey, what have we got?"

"I just thought you should know I'm having drinks at The Shell tonight with my mother, and Angela. Nina said she'd try and come along too. I don't want anything huge, but everyone keeps telling me I need to mark the occasion somehow."

"The occasion."

She looks at me, and I can tell I've upset her, but all I can look at is that fucking huge ring on her finger and honestly, I wish she'd punch me with it because I'm sure it would hurt less than what I'm currently feeling.

"Yeah, I'm pretty busy, there's a ton of paperwork to finish so I probably won't have time. Sorry." I turn back to my desk and before I've even thought of how I can make myself look busy she's turned on her heel and hurried out of the door.

And in that moment, I've never hated anything more than I hate myself.

xxx

"Jane, can we…talk?"

"We can, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to."

Maura sighs, and I'm not even sure why I'm being so petty, but my heart is broken and I don't feel like being courteous right now.

I roll my eyes and lead her from the foyer to the bench outside the station. The sun is shining. It's a truly spectacular day, and the sky is so blue it's making me a little emotional.

"What do you have to say?"

"I'm not really sure how to say it."

"You're never normally stuck for words."

"Jane, please, when are you going to be civil with me again?"

"I don't know Maura. You broke my fucking heart, so I don't have a specific timeframe I can give you right now."

"I broke your heart?" She gestures wildly and I'm actually frightened she's going to punch me in the face.

"You let me fuck you and then told me you regretted it. Literally, when you were on top of me, after I'd just made you come, you told me we shouldn't have done it. Here's the thing Maura, no one forced you to kiss me, or touch me, or push my fingers deeper inside of you. No one had a gun to your head. You did those things willingly, and I believe it's because you wanted it. So please, do not give me that bullshit." I punctuate the last word with a finger jab and she flinches.

I don't like the person I've become. I don't like hating her, but I take some comfort in the fact that I hate myself more.

I stand and run my fingers through my hair, which desperately needs a wash but who can be bothered to maintain personal hygiene when they're this sad?

"I'm seeing someone, Jane."

I stop, like I'm playing a game of musical statues. My stomach lurches and I feel my heartrate increase twofold.

I look down at her. My palms feel sweaty.

"His name is Jamie, I met him at a Biology and Pathology of Infectious Diseases conference last month, and we've been talking, and last night he asked me to dinner and I said yes."

I don't say anything. I can't say anything.

"I really need you to be happy for me, Jane. I can't be truly happy if my best friend isn't happy too."

I actually laugh out loud at that. Like, I snort.

"I don't owe you anything, Maura. If you wanna date some guy who doesn't even know you then please, be my guest. But do not come to me and ask me for validation, or whatever the hell it is you want, because I won't give it."

My voice cracks.

"How can I be happy when you're with anyone but me?"

Before I start crying in front of her, which seems like a very real possibility, I take the steps two at a time and flee to my desk, hoping the huge, ever-present workload will distract me from my sorrow.

That night, I go home and drink three quarters of a bottle of whisky, and smash my bedside lamp and two glasses, thinking about this man, this stranger, having his hands on my Maura.

xxx

I know I should go to Maura's drinks. I know I should. It's the right thing to do. I've been an asshole to her over the last year (and that's being generous), but I just don't think I can bear to sit there, pretending to be happy whilst everyone fawns over her ring, her fiancé, her dress, her stupid wedding.

It's not stupid. It's wonderful news. Deep down I want her to be happy, and if marrying this dude makes her happy then so be it. But I will never get over the fact it's not me she's marrying.

xxx

"Have you seen it, Janie? Oh my it's just beautiful. Stunning. I've never seen one so big!"

"Ma, I have no idea what you're talking about. What are you talking about?"

She has this dreamy look in her eyes and it's the same look she has in her eyes when she talks about me getting married and having kids one day and suddenly I know, I know exactly what she's talking about, and I feel sick.

"Maura's engaged! Isn't that fabulous? Jamie is such a dashing guy, and he must be pretty rich too because the ring is about the size of a walnut."

She stops, and suddenly looks a little sad. She grabs my hand and squeezes it between hers.

"I'm sorry Jane, I know you and Maura had that falling out a few months ago. I should've realised she wouldn't have told you first. I'm just still getting used to the fact you two aren't best friends anymore. And why won't you tell me what you're fighting over?"

"It's not important. It was never important." I'm mumbling and suddenly I have tunnel vision and I can't really hear anything. I half stumble out of the café and manage to make my way into the morgue.

At first I plan on bursting into her office and screaming at her, but acting like that hasn't really got me anywhere good so far. So I force myself to stop and stand outside her office for a moment, taking deep breaths and clenching and unclenching my hands.

I knock. She calls out to come in. When she sees it's me, she looks a little alarmed.

"Hey." Start simple. Work your way up to it Rizzoli, you can do it.

"Hey yourself."

"So, Ma just came and told me the news. Your news. You couldn't tell me yourself?"

"Are you really surprised? We haven't shared more than a few words in the last however many months, and even then, it's been about a case."

"I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different." I perch on her sofa, the one that's so goddamn uncomfortable but on which we managed to have some of the best, most intense sex of our lives.

She doesn't say anything. If I was her, I wouldn't know what to say either.

"It's certainly a whopper." I'm babbling to fill the awkward silence. The ring's sparkling in the light from Maura's lamp and suddenly I feel a wave of sadness.

"Bigger than anything I could've got you."

Her face crumples a little.

"It was never about what you could or couldn't give me, Jane. It was about the way you made me feel. Please, don't ever forget that. I know I won't."

I can't breathe. This is the most we've spoken in months and it's all just too much. So I nod, and turn, and run.

And I don't stop running until I get to the harbour, where I stop on the pier and scream at the ocean.

xxx

So, today. It was always going to be shitty, but I never thought it would be this awful. Somehow, Ma convinced me to go to the wedding, something about 'I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU IF YOU DON'T GO, JANE CLEMENTINE RIZZOLI'. Honestly, I would take never speaking to my mother again if it meant I didn't have to watch Maura marry someone that isn't me.

I've got my dress and my heels and my godamn strapless bra all laid out on my bed, but I've had to sit down because everything feels like such an effort.

A knock at the door. Ma. She's not due here for another twenty minutes but I guess she's come round early to check I'm not still asleep.

The second barrage of knocks startles me into moving. I don't say a word as Ma walks into my apartment, clearly displeased at the clutter and empty take out boxes strewn about the place.

"Oh Janie, I can't believe you're not ready yet! I've been ready since seven o'clock this morning, I just couldn't sleep! It's so exciting, our very own Maura getting married!"

I swallow the lump in my throat and turn away, wrapping my arms around myself.

Don't cry. Just don't cry and everything will be fine.

"I don't think I can go, Ma." My voice is even more hoarse than usual, and I know I should just stop talking right now, just suck it the fuck up and go to the stupid wedding. But I've passed the point of no return now, there's no going back. I can't stop myself from weeping.

"I can't watch the love of my life marry someone else."

I turn back to face her, tears streaming down my face. She looks confused for a moment. Then her mouth drops open.

"I didn't know you felt so strongly about Jamie! You two haven't… you know… cheated on Maura, have you?"

"Ma! Jeez, I hardly know the guy."

"I don't understand what's going on."

"It's Maura, Ma. It's always been her."

"Oh." She sits down. "Oh Janie, I should have known. I suppose I did know, in a way. You girls have always been so touchy feely, and sometimes I'd catch you looking at each other like you couldn't wait to get naked."

"Oh, come on, Ma!"

She rolls her eyes at me and I plonk myself down onto the arm of my couch.

"I fucked it all up, Ma. "

She tuts.

"Such foul language from my daughter, do you have to use such profanity?"

I ignore her and continue.

"I was so scared. I'd never felt that strongly before, and I thought I'd fuck it up eventually, just like I always do, so what was the point?"

"So you fucked it up BECAUSE you thought you'd fuck it up?"

"Ma! Language!"

"Seems pretty stupid to me."

"Well I definitely can't go to the wedding. I can't see her standing there at the end of the aisle, walking towards…him."

"You girls are special together, anyone can see that."

"What do I do, Ma? How do I fix this? She's getting married and I can't ruin that chance of happiness for her. But I know I'll never be happy again if she marries him. I know that's selfish, but I can't ignore it anymore."

"I guess, just this once, I give you permission to make a spectacle of yourself."

"What are you thinking, Ma?" I narrow my eyes and she narrows hers back at me, and I know in that moment what I have to do.

xxx

I get to the Registration Office in seven minutes, which is twelve minutes less than it would've taken me without lights and sirens. Korsak brought the squad car round as soon as I told him what was going on.

Turns out he knew the whole time. Well, not for sure. But, like the rest of the godamn station, he 'just had a feeling'. We were completely obvious, and oblivious, the whole time, who knew?

I feel simultaneously excited and nervous. Either way, I'm probably going to be sick at some point. I screech to a halt in the car park and it's only when I'm fumbling with the door to the Registration Office that I realise I have no clue what I'm going to do when I find Maura.

Turns out, I don't really have time to worry about a plan of action, because she's walking towards me right now.

She looks radiant. I can't think of another way to describe the beauty I can see before me.

Her dress fits her perfectly. It's cinched in at the waist, with laced sleeves and a long train. It's so her; elegant, stylish, stunning.

"Jane? I thought it was you. Your hair is unmistakeable, even from a distance." She's flapping her hands in a very un-Maura-like way and I have an urge to grab them and hold them to my chest.

I don't. We're still not really on speaking terms.

"Aren't you getting married in like, five minutes?"

"Yes, the ceremony was planned for two in the afternoon."

"And you're out here and not standing at the end of the aisle because…?"

She looks up into my eyes and bites her lip and I think I just died.

"I was coming out here to get in my car and find you."

"Well, I appreciate your candour."

"You asked."

I realise I'm still holding the door open, and I'm outside and she's inside, and it's weird. It's also still raining, and now I'm seriously worried about her hair.

"Do you want to talk in my car?"

"I'd rather not." A faint blush spreads across her chest and it makes me want to push her against the wall and kiss her hard.

I arch an eyebrow.

"And why would that be, pray tell?"

"Last time we had a 'talk' in a car, it didn't end so well."

"I thought it ended pretty well for you, actually." I smirk, and I notice the corner of her mouth twitching.

"Either way, I'd like to settle this out in the open."

"Settle what?"

"The fact I can't seem to shake the feeling that marrying Jamie would be wrong."

I'm sure I must be hallucinating. The words I've dreamed of hearing her say for months, despite how guilty it made me feel that I was breaking them up in my head.

"Maura…"

"Jane…"

"You never struck me as the sort of person who'd jilt someone, let alone spend all this time and money organising a wedding and not to go through with it."

"Better to call off a wedding at the last minute than go through with it and regret it."

"You're very smart."

"I am a genius."

I fake shock.

"Maura! How terribly vain of you."

"What? Technically I am a genius. I have a very high IQ."

She has this pouty look on her face and I can resist no longer. I wrap my arms around her waist and move closer to her, ever so slowly, until finally our lips touch and everything falls into place.

The familiarity of her mouth makes me want to sob.

I pull back, wanting to carry on kissing her all night and into tomorrow, but needing to say my piece.

"I love you, Maura. I've acted like an ass. More than an ass. Like a jackass. I'll never stop regretting letting you down and for all the nasty things I said to you, and behind your back…"

Her mouth drops open.

"I was heartbroken. You broke my heart. But I realised the only reason you could do that is because you made my heart so full in the first place. You filled it with love, and hope, and the promise of a life together. And then I fucked it up because I was scared. I don't even know why I fucked it up. It doesn't really matter why, but I did fuck it up Maura, and I can't tell you how sorry I am for that."

She's crying now, and I have this horrible fear I'm fucking it up all over again, but I carry on regardless.

"But I'm here now, Doctor Isles, to tell you that I love you more than I've ever loved anything in this world. I won't love anyone or anything more than I love you. I'm not me with you. I'm a shell. I don't want to say that I couldn't live without you, because I know I would find a way, but I don't want to live without you by my side. You're everything to me, Maura. And I would never forgive myself if I didn't tell you that I don't want you to marry Jamie."

I tuck her hair behind her ear, and her eyes close.

"I want you to marry me. Not today, obviously. I haven't got a dress."

We chuckle, and it's as if the last year never happened. I rest my forehead against hers and pull her closer to me. I can feel the warmth from her body as she nuzzles into the crook of my neck and a tear slides down my cheek.

I kiss the top of her head and she hugs me tight and I think, for the first time in so long, that everything is going to be just fine. More than fine.

Rizzoli and Isles, together again, at last.