Interlude chapter 2 Chain of I'm really enjoying the game so far also why did Hopper leave the eggos out in the woods no one had any clue what happened to eleven, I mean even if it wasn't for eleven what is the point of that box in the woods and why was he putting stuff in there.

Daphne Greengrass looked over the files containing the case notes that lay on the table in front of her as she and her legal colleague Tracy Davis prepared for cross-examination of the current witness. Not only were members of the Hogwarts Detective club asked to cover the auror force they were also asked to cover the public prosecutors office as DA Jack McCoy along with his eyebrows had to attend the conference. The two took to legal prosecution like a duck to water as in very good and a bit wet. It was lucky that the required skills for a wizarding lawyer includes violence and not giving a fuck something the two have in spades.

So after playing rock paper scissors to decide who would question the witness, which Tracy won, the questions began. "Permission to treat the witness as hostile?" Tracy said glancing up towards the judge "Objection your Honour, she hasn't asked a question yet" The defense attorney yelled. "Overruled I'm going to allow it when you are ready Tracy" The judge said nodding her bushy head. Tracy gave a small smile while cracking her knuckles. Normally you would roll up your sleeves however Tracy's suit had the sleeves ripped off. Tracy leapt grabbing the witness and started smashing his head on the bench. After a few minutes the defense attorney tried again "Your honour she is battering the witness" He protested while the judge looked on in interest "I thought the term was badgering the witness?" She added as an afterthought.

The defense was correct as the witness was attempting to crawl away while Tracey wailed on him with her bat which got reclassified as a rank 8 magical artifact. To put this in context the Sword of Gryffindor is a rank 9 artifact. But to add to the context the grading system is oddly based on how big a beast you kick the ass of using said artifact which is why most are a rank 1, even the sorting hat is a rank 1 artifact you can't do much to a pissed griffin armed only with a hat that reads your mind to decide your dorm for 7 years, it would just be screaming in surround sound. Side note the only reason Tracy's bat isn't classed higher is that they couldn't find a fat enough dragon to test it against.

While the witness got carried away by the medical teams the defense attorney took a drink from his hip flask you would think he would protest this but according to wizarding law (which is not as comprehensive as you may think it's about 30 pages 2 of which features doodles of cowboys) the severe beating of a witness is a legitimate legal strategy also if you have booze you have to share it if caught. "I'm guessing that is bad" the client, Lucius Malfoy said as he watched the witness leave on a stretcher. It was, especially for him as he was once again found guilty of a crime he probably didn't commit, I don't know I'm not a lawyer. Now Lucius had an amazing defense attorney by our standards at least. There is a reason his is the only defense attorney in wizarding Britain, long ago when deciding on the specific laws a mixture of not really caring, being a bunch of dicks and the realisation that they could easily manipulate a person to say or do whatever they want because they are fucking magic wizards decided if you are actually caught doing anything you are hence guilty of everything we have thats unsolved at the minute. Sadly no one informed him he is muggleborn and was raised with an Atticus Finch level of justice, he probably should have caught on considering every wizard, witch and magical official laughed their collective asses off when he said he wanted to be a defense attorney . Since it is a system built around the idea of just make it go away no matter how good you are you are going to lose. Also it doesn't help if the judge and prosecutor are friends as the defense found out when he saw them in the canteen having lunch together.

When the next case was eventually called Lucius attempted to stand but was roughly forced back into his seat by the bailiff. "Next case People vs Lucius Malfoy… number 326. Judge Granger presiding". Hermione banged the gavel calling order she got made a judge after being the only one to read the entire wizarding law almanac, it took her 4 minutes and most of that was looking at sick drawings of cowboys. Mostly it was just a list of things to ignore alot of it said evidence or basic human decency. "All rise so Mr Malfoy how do you plead?" She asked leaning back thinking that her chair was damn comfortable. "Not guilty your honour" Hermione nodded "Noted anything else to add?". Lucius nodded and called "Yeah can I go home?" Lucius was then walloped over the head by one of the court bailiffs while everyone else shook their heads. "Opening statements if you would" Judge Granger said turning her full attention to the court. Opening statements also in the judges handbook as something to ignore. The defense won the coin toss so they went first "There has been many terrible injustices committed here. The greatest being that this man is innocent and yet we keep lumping years on top his sentence he must rightfully be set free" he said in a desperate plea for human decency.

It was very unfortunate that some court officers were bringing in another guy and thought that they were the ones being talked to. This is a common thing for wizards as they are dicks they think only of themselves. So they let the prisoner they were escorting out of his box, and of course the first thing the man known only as Mr. Stabby did was draw a shiv in his teeth as he was still in a straight jacket and leap into the jury. Hermione shook her head "Someone take care of that, or at least call the aurors".

A minute later Draco, Dudley and the cameraman following them burst into the courtroom "Hey Asshole eat shit" Malfoy yelled before firing at the guy who was doing considerable damage with a shiv in his mouth. The spell soared towards Mr. Stabby who upon seeing it leant forward causing the straps holding his arms in place to break apart setting him free. Spitting the shiv out of his mouth and seemingly drawing another one from somewhere. (It was his butt he regretted getting it up there pointy end first). "FUCK RUN" Dudley yelled as Mr Stabby now free and armed charged at the blonde pair that were shitting their pants. The rest of the un stabbed court watched them run in some disbelief before Lucius threw in his opinion "Take it from me don't marry your sister no matter how good the sex is or how pregnant you got her" he said this before getting walloped again.

Susan had a headache and the source of said headache was standing in front of her in the form of one bad cop Cho and one dog cop Fang attempting to explain their most recent fuck up. "So what happened?" Susan let out in a low growl prompting Fang to respond because he got lumped with explaining. "Rell rou ree..". Since I cannot be bothered to attempted to type out and then translate what Fang will say I will sum it up. The pair harassed a group of civilians watched a costumed man break into a house in front of them, then allowed him to escape resulting in the third largest motor accident the department has ever caused.

Unfortunately for Susan she didn't have the benefit of the above text. Susan stared at the talking dog in front of her before turning to the Scottish girl next to him "You translate". Cho then attempted to translate. Now once again I cannot be bothered to type out what Cho said and once again for Susan she didn't have the benefit of the above text. "Cedric" She yelled after a few seconds of blank confused staring, only to not get the usual sparkling response "Where the hell is he?". If Susan would have looked out of the window she would have had her answer as he was playing, well what can only be accurately described as frolicking on the Hogwarts grounds with a retriever dog.

"Look just write it down" She said rubbing her temples to ease her migraine. After 5 minutes of looking for a pen and 10 minutes of writing down the facts, the head of the Hogwarts Detective Club spent 5 minutes reading before spending 10 minutes banging her head on the desk. So 30 minutes well spent. "So let me get this straight" Susan said slowly "This is the guy who got away from you?" The hufflebust threw a copy of that days Daily Prophet which featured a picture of Captain Dark eating a pie while on it was still on a windowsill while a large woman in an apron bonked him on the head with a rolling-pin. It also featured the headline "Slow Newsday so we are showing you this". "If it helps weh didneh try all tha hard" Cho said with a shrug. It did help a little.

"Look just catch this guy" "Right" The two said before heading out of the office it was after a few seconds she remembered who she was talking to "ALIVE" she added in a yell "NEH PROMISES". Susan opened her desk drawer and downed a can of red bull "I picked the wrong day to give up energy drinks".

"So why are we doing this again?" Asked our scarred hero Harry Potter as he and his partner Luna Lovegood looked up from behind their newspapers which wasn't needed as they had cut eye holes into them. "Well Harry we are currently trailing our prime suspect, Dolores 'thunder thighs' Umbridge, tracking her activities you need to get into the mind of your prey" She said raising a pair of binoculars. "Well that yes since it's an embezzlement case we should probably check the ministry accounts but I meant this" Harry indicated himself and Luna who were now dressed as Marilyn Monroe and Albert Einstein for some reason. "Oh thats just for fun and let's face it you look good in a dress Harry" Luna replied. Harry had to admit he did look damn good.

The two were subtly sat on a bench in the middle of Diagon Alley across from the sushi place where Dolores Umbridge was having her second lunch. "Good thing they reinforced those seats" Harry whispered observing that Umbridge hung over both ends of the stool it looked like a bulldog eating a hockey puck. Harry noticed that none of the food on the conveyor belt made it past Umbridge causing one angry diner to yell then vomit on the floor after looking at her face, which caused a server to slip fall to the floor then vomit themselves. I mean if you feel vomit on your back then you are going to vomit. It was at this moment Harry realised that they would likely be here for a while and almost as if she knew Luna brought a cooler and sandwiches. "Ah she getting up" Luna said elbowing Harry harder than she should which caused the boy to rub his arm. It really hurt. "Ah wait she was just shuffling so she could scratch her ass… boy she's really getting up there". Luna added causing Harry to almost retch "I don't want to see that tell me when she stops". Harry spent 10 minutes watching Malfoy and Dudley getting chased by a man with a pair of shiv before he realised Luna had not responded. "Luna?". Luna waved him off "I'll let you know when she stops". They were there for a long while.

Not all that far from Harry and Luna watching their target attempt to eat every fish in the sea Cho and Fang were hidden behind a corner watching the trap they set up. It was a crate propped up with a stick attached to a piece of string, which is surprisingly sold as its own kit from the wizarding supermarket. There was a pie set up as bait so far they had caught 6 hobos 4 dogs 3 cats and Hagrid but no Captain Dark. The two were starting to get severely pissed off but they had been at this for roughly an hour.

It was right at the point where the two of them were about to say fuck this, except with different accents, that they heard the telltale theme music of Captain Dark (which sounds off-key) and the crash of something falling into a pile of trash cans. The pair immediately looked around the corner and sure enough there was the legs and ass of Captain Dark sticking from an overturned trash can, there was silence before the form of their target started slithering along the ground towards the pie like a greasy serpent and them dove head first into it.

With a mighty pull the trap fell and rattled before coming to a halt. Cho and Fang stalked forward with a nod to each other they each took their place. Fang got ready to lift the crate and Cho readied a comically large mallet ready to pound him into paste. Raising the crate they were quite shocked to see it empty, the two looked under the crate and an empty pie tray dropped making a noise between them but before they could look up they were hit by the warm eggy smell of a fart knocking them both back. They both rolled on the floor swearing up a storm as the crate fell back from which Captain Dark leapt with cherry filling all over his face into the air doing some bad aerial acrobatics before landing face first into the ground.

All three spun like break dancing though Captain Darks was hugely shitty and righted themselves in unison Cho immediately lunged at the bastard wildly swinging the mallet to which he dropped under and rolled out of the backstreet. The two aurors followed in hot pursuit as Captain Dark ran through the busy Diagon Alley only coming to a stop to push down a child and steal her ice cream before jumping through the wooden fence.

Cho and Fang barreled after him making sure to knock over a few pedestrians themselves. Following through the captain shaped hole in the fence they ignored the family yelling that some red-haired asshole stole their barbeque grill while they were using it and set their house on fire. They heard the blare of a car horn and a crash and saw their target spinning through the air leaving a trail of coals behind him back into the alley.

The pair groaned in frustration then ran back the way they came still ignoring the family whose house was burning. The duo managed to catch up in time to see the guy throw the stolen grill through a window and jumping through. Skidding to a stop Fang and Cho both stared in rage in front of the store their target had jumped into. It just happened to be a joke shop and let's face it wizards having no sense of proportion and an over enthusiastic sense of whimsy the store is a major clusterfuck of wacky things and goings on. Cho and Fang stared at the store listening to the crashes and looney tunes sound effects from inside the store before looking at each other "Half Day?" Cho started to which Fang nodded "Reh ruck rhis". Fang added and the two walked away.

"So you watched her eat there for an hour?" Susan said staring at the pair of Potter and Lovegood who were still in costume and ignoring the ministry issued car that had crashed through the wall. "It was more like three" Harry said looking just fantastic "They kicked her out after they ran out of food" Susan groaned "And then what?" "Then she went fishing" Luna chirped adding to the conversation twiddling the fake moustache she was wearing. "So we have nothing" She breathed out dangerously "NOPE" Luna yelled before pausing then adding "Except this" Luna then pulled out a file which showed ministry wages, all going to people named along the lines of bedroom guilders, broidered moguls and my personal favourite rebuild smoodger which are all anagrams of Dolores Umbridge. Harry stared in suspicion "Luna when did you do this? We were together all day even when I went to the toilet" Luna smiled "Yup that was really awkward wasn't it but I learned you should not talk to people at the urinal. A day where you don't learn something is a day wasted" she talked to everybody.

The author would like to add that it is true no one likes it when you try to talk while using or talk to those using when you are not using the urinal.

"But a great detective never reveals her secrets Harry" She finished patting him on the head. Had Harry been a more observant person he would have noticed a second Luna lean out grinning then disappearing back into the closet. Breathing out sharply she glanced around "Where the hell is Chang and Von Rosenberg of Dalmasca?" Looking at their desk she saw a note saying they had went to the karaoke bar early. "So all we got today is a suspect based off an anagram and a statement from a duck" She said with a sigh. In fairness it's more than what they have usually.

"A statement from a duck?" Harry asked confused but was promptly ignored as the speaking mirror went off. "Hey Susan what was the song that went *she hummed out a tune I can't be bothered to try to figure out how to type that wait this works*" asked the drunk Madam Bones over the mirror "It's hollaback girl, and aunty you have the girls on display" Susan answered thankful her aunt was majorly drunk and not angry but a bit put off she was now flashing the department. "Ah let them look, it will be the best pair they will ever see in their lives" She slurred out. She was sorta right definitely top 10. As this conversation was going on an audience was gathering leaning through doors out of windows from the ceiling out of potted plants which included several staff members, students a second and third Luna even Cillian Murphy for some reason.

"Eh I've seen better" someone called from Amelia Bones side of the mirror "Well someone and their partner has themselves the graveyard shift for the next month" She retorted "DAMN IT MUNCH" yelled said man's partner as the call cut off. After a few minutes of silence Susan just turned to the room and yelled at them to go home especially Cillian Murphy she had no idea why he was there and neither did he. I know and it's because I tend to write whatever pops into my head and he hasn't been far from my thoughts lately (its not just the Dark Knight who Rises if you catch my meaning) (erection jokes classic).

So Susan spent the next hour in her office filling out paperwork. Well mainly incident reports when she heard a knock. "Yo Susan" Came the voice of Daphne Greengrass leaning into the office "What you still doing here we can't start ladies night at the bar without you" Susan ran a hand through her hair she had completely forgotten is it Thursday already? "Yeah sorry Daph, just getting a few things sorted" Daphne looked at the girl and saw how stressed she looked "Anything I can do to help?".

It was at this moment Susan was then struck with some inspiration "yeah actually if you could take Cedric that would really be great" Daphne shrugged "Yeah sure whatever, so tell Cedric and let's go Tracy can only be kept away from shots for so long". Susan nodded to everything she just said as Tracy is notoriously known as the shot master. "Cedric" She yelled, though it was late at night suddenly it was like the sun rose when Cedric stepped into the room smiling. "Congratulations you are a lawyer now report to the courtroom tomorrow" she said. Cedric clapped his hands "I gotta tell the lab about this" He ran from the room and as the pair were leaving they could hear him say "Hey Franklin guess what?" then barking. Daphne stopped and stared "Did I just hear a dog barking?" Susan grinned "YUP he's your problem now just keep an eye on him he jumps on the furniture" Daphne had no idea that Susan wasn't talking about Franklin.

A.N. WOW that took some effort to get out I got distracted between kingdom hearts 3 and my niece deciding to be born its been a busy week. Anyways next time I dont know havent really planned it out if you are interested pm me or something or not fuck im tired.