AN: Welcome to the first chapter of my story first time publishing long time reading. So forewarning lots of swearing silliness and bashing and of course lots of references hope you enjoy.

AN: (2nd May) Hey guys I have edited the chapter a bit to hopefully improve the grammar and make it better to read.

Harry Potter and the D.U.M.M

Chapter 1: A rippling wave of stupidity.

Harry let out a rather deep sigh as the Hogwarts Express tore through the countryside towards its destination, and on time as it is the only train in Britain that ran according to schedule, granted it only ran four times a year.

He was deep in thought but not the thoughts we usually have of which celebrity is hot or which celebrity is not or the name of the actor who plays the bad guy in that movie, you know the one. These thoughts were the type you dread, the type where you are reflecting on how entirely fucked up your life is. His summer had not been a good one, it had started out like any other summer he had while he attended Hogwarts he was reluctant to go back to his relatives but was naively optimistic that it would be enjoyable. Sadly this was not the case as his relatives, the Dursleys, had decided or rather more accurately been begged by several doctors to go on a diet.

So Harry had to deal with hungry and irritable relatives and the Surrey local takeaways had to deal with a recession the likes of which has not been seen in even the darkest of bankers nightmares. At best they struggled to make ends meet at worst like in the case of Luigi's Genuine Pizzaria burned to the ground in an insurance scam while a small boy stared at the flames swearing revenge.

His luck seemed to turn around as he got invited to join the Weasleys to go to the Quidditch World Cup finals, it is still under heavy debate between nerds as to whether going to a Quidditch match would be a better hell or a worse hell, but Harry likes Quidditch and it was an out. He had to ask permission to go which led to an awkward and heated conversation with his aunt and uncle. Harry left the conversation feeling elated as he had been given permission to go and Vernon left frustrated wanting a hot dog which led to another argument between his wife Petunia and the hot dog man who had set up camp in the Dursley's garden. She didn't really care that her husband was putting the hot dog man's kids through school.

There was also the altercation between the Dursleys and the Weasleys when they came to pick Harry up, and in consideration for the Dursley's feelings he didn't think he had in him, Harry had to concede the point that he would be ticked off if expected guests showed up by plowing through a wall like the Kool-aid Man and then proceeded to poison his child. Yes Mr Weasley fixed the wall and Dudley's ability to breathe but lets say someone broke into your house vomited on your bed but the next day apologised and changed the sheets it doesn't change that they broke into your house and vomited on the bed in the first place, you would still be a bit pissed.

He enjoyed his stay with the Weasleys though he discovered the reason no one ever plays 'pull my finger' with Ron. Percy woke up 2 days later his eyebrows however could not be saved.

The trip to and match of the Quidditch world cup went well he met 'friends' which in this particular case means people he may have heard of at school (including the very attractive Cedric Diggory who seemed to just sparkle in the sunlight) and he got treated to the best the Quidditch world has to offer. Which of course is grievous injury of several professional athletes. About 5 minutes into the match they just did away with all pretense and started an all out brawl. Then it all went to shit as the grounds ended up ruined and multiple people injured showing that the Ministry of Magic severely underestimated the damage that could be done by a drunk and determined David Tennant.

Then there were the dreams he was having about evil babies murdering old gardeners which caused no end of headaches and he couldn't really speak to the one adult he wanted to, his godfather Sirius Black. That was a whole other crock of shit, the one adult that wanted him out of the Dursleys care permanently and to stay with him was a wanted felon and has a kiss on sight order against him. There had only ever been one other time a kiss on sight got issued and it was in 1987 it involved an emergency press conference called by an incredibly drunk Minister Fudge who, and I quote, said "I hereby hic decree that a kiss on sight be ordered by any wizard, witch, or magical creature on this man ... Patrick Swayze as he is damn sexy". This caused a rather large international incident and when the kiss on sight got ordered on Sirius Black the auror department determined not to make the same mistake again are under strict orders to make out with him once found.

Which brings us to the present, Harry sat in a train compartment with the only people he could be bothered to hang around with (and Ron Weasley) as well as a sleeping homeless man who was using a newspaper as a makeshift blanket. It was at this point, when the strong stench of urine spread across the compartment due to someone soiling themselves, that Harry got struck with a flash of clarity as well as a splash of wee and thought to himself 'Every year shit happens and I am usually knee-deep in it'. Harry nodded to himself and came to a life changing decision 'not this year oh no-no, this year it is someone else's problem no more evil teachers no more investigations no more research no more adventures I am having a normal year world be damned'.

Whether you realise it or not people live in their own bubble the size of the world around us is almost entirely our own perception or viewpoint as such it is easy to miss things or not see the world as others do. Basically we see and hear what we want to. I know this for a fact as that was the defence that got me the not guilty verdict though I totally did it (don't tell anyone though). Harry was unaware of it at that time but the moment he came to his decision the bubble he lived in burst, or rather it would be more correct to say it got smashed through like Mr Weasley into a non magical living room, causing a rippling wave of stupidity the like of which have rarely been measured outside of the Jeremy Kyle show.

As Harry mused to himself about the prospect of a normal year just like those episodes of whatever teen drama was showing at the time (except with wands and robes) a large grin blossomed on his face. From an outside observers point of view it would be a bizarre scene. A dark-haired boy with glasses grinning widely as a tall boy with red hair desperately attempts to clean himself due to his bladder mishap, all the while a girl with bushy hair a round-faced boy and a homeless man are all glaring at the red-head in disgust while all thinking 'this happens every time with him'.

Harry's good mood lasted the entire trip nothing could even draw his attention away from the fantasy of a normal school life, not even Malfoy's sick burn about Ron's dress robes even registered. Harry's mind was racing through every cliché it could come up with like talking to friends by his locker worrying about prom studying for that big assignment skipping through the long grass hand in hand with that special someone but with less 30 year old actors pretending to be teens.

I wish my school days were like that.

Eventually the Hogwarts Express pulled into its destination the sky outside had turned pitch black as it poured with rain making Hogwarts look more like a place where people would die in a horrific manner upon entering. Harry exited the compartment ignoring the panicked whimpering of the prone and bleeding Neville Longbottom, who got stabbed sometime during the trip for getting too close to someones tin of beans. He should have known better that Ron doesn't share food.

Harry was practically skipping towards the carriages oblivious to the heavy rain that had soaked every single person who had crossed its path, he didn't even notice Madam Pomfrey carrying his dorm mate hurriedly to the castle to treat his stab wound while screaming 'Dont die on me you bastard'. Harry's reverie did not break even when he took multiple water balloons to the noggin courtesy of Peeves, the schools poltergeist and bringer of chaos, who quickly become bored and switched in some bricks to launch at students and faculty. This led to a stand-off between Peeves and Professor McGonagall who was never one to back down from brick based combat. Between the stabbing and multiple concussions due to flying brick it was a relatively small amount of injuries sustained coming into a Hogwarts year all things considered. There was normally at least one crippling injury by this point.

As Harry made his way to the Gryffindor table he managed to get out a few replies to people trying to talk to him Colin Creevey said something about his brother coming to Hogwarts to which Harry responded "that's nice Colin" his first instinct was to tell him to go to hell but he was in too good a mood even Hermione answering a question no one asked about siblings and the DADA professor didn't faze him. Sat at the Gryffindor table Harry simply hummed to himself as Ron moaned about being hungry, and in his irritation launched his empty can of beans at the students still entering the hall catching one Millicent Bulstrode in the face. Millicent using two fingers pointed to her eyes then to Ron while her glare promised a retribution not seen in many an age.

Harry was gone to the world throughout the sorting ignoring the sorting hat's new rap and was only brought back to reality when the smell of British food hit his nose (or as we like to call it in Britain 'food') and was immediately hit with debris courtesy of Ron's monstrous eating habits. Seriously he eats like what can only be described as an unholy combination of the cookie monster and a hippo when it is muck spreading. Harry proceeded to enjoy his meal he decided to keep to himself still feeling a bit buzzed ignoring Hermione's rant about house elves though he enjoyed the story of Peeves wrecking the Hogwarts kitchen all the while dodging the spray of food from Ron when he added to a conversation which was usually to throw an insult.

Once the meal had drawn to a close and several house elves cleared the aftermath of hurricane Ron the hall fell into a deep silence as Dumbledore stood to make his announcements. "So" he said smiling around at the students "I must ask for your full attention as there are a few announcements to make" at this point he proceeded to pull out a piece of parchment giving it the once over. "Mr. Filch has asked me to tell you that he has expanded the list of banned items,as always you will find the full list in his office. He has also asked that I inform you that the jazz music club meeting day has moved to Tuesday"

Harry's eyebrows furrowed, he didn't know about any jazz music club. "On the subject of school clubs due to high demand Professor Snape's arts and crafts club has expanded to take place twice a week" Dumbledore said to a loud cheer. "Will we doing scrapbooking this year?" came a squeak from a small 2nd year Hufflepuff, Dumbledore cast a glance at Snape who simply nodded with silent affirmation. As the small Hufflepuff clapped excitedly as Harry rubbed his forehead his thoughts full of confusion, he took a quick look to his fellow housemates to gauge their reactions. From what he saw either they were not listening or knew already (except Ron who was attempting to take a swing at a house elf), at this point questions were racing through his mind about whether he was the only one who did not know about these other clubs.

"There is one final announcement to make but before we get into that we will announce the winners of the opening raffle everyone get your tickets ready" Dumbledore said with a flourish as students scrambled searching their pockets while our bewildered Potter mouthed 'raffle' to no one in particular. "And the first winner is" Dumbledore called reaching into the sorting hat who giggled pulling out a small scrap of paper "278! who had 278?" A chorus of groans filled the hall as a 6th year Ravenclaw held their hand up excitedly. This continued for several minutes with various prizes been given out ranging from Honeydukes coupons to signed copies of Filches jazz album titled 'Moppin all over the world' (which had a bonus track featuring Mrs. Norris. Frankly you have heard nothing like it), all the while Harry was growing more and more confused.

"As ever the forest on the school grounds is out-of-bounds" Dumbledore began again as students excitement from the raffle died down "Finally it is my duty to inform you that this years inter house Quidditch tournament has been cancelled" There was a large collective cheer from the students except Harry who looked baffled as he liked Quidditch. "Instead this year we will host an event that will be taking up much of the teacher's time and energy but I know you will love it. It is my great pleasure to announce that this year at Hogwarts"

At that moment there was a deafening rumble of thunder followed by what could only be the unique sound of a motorbike engine roaring. All heads in the hall turned as the large door burst open, a motorbike shot into the room on one wheel at an extreme speed followed by an exasperated cry of 'oh no' and a large crash. At the base of the teacher's table lay the mangled remains of the bike which then burst into flames, while the crumpled body of a heavily scarred man lay across the staff table.

Silence filled the room as several of the staff moved the body of the man who crashed through the hall to the only empty seat at the staff table his head falling back mouth wide open still unconscious and put out the fire that was spreading across the room.

Dumbledore has his fair share of critics whether it be for his political views his forgiving nature or his jam recipes but no one can deny his ability to continue on with what he was doing before being interrupted. "May I introduce our new defence against the dark arts teacher Alastor Moody" he said brightly motioning to the unconscious and injured man. "GET THIS CATHETER OUT OF ME" screamed Moody to the deafening silence which filled the great hall. "I forgot about that" Dumbledore said to himself chuckling clearly remembering an incident involving Moody and a catheter. Shaking the memory from his head as the rest of the room stared at the unconscious DADA professor, who still was not getting medical attention, Dumbledore continued with his announcement.

"As I was saying we are to have the honour of hosting a very exciting event over the coming months, an event that has not been held for over a century. It is my very great pleasure to inform you that the Triwizard Tournament will be taking place at Hogwarts this year." Dumbledore ever the showman spread his arms wide as he finished his announcement expecting some applause or some gasps of shock. However what he met with was a deafening silence as the students watched the schools healer attempt to revive the new professor. The silence persisted for a while only broken by a cough and a short fart.

"Anyways" Dumbledore continued "The Triwizard Tournament was first established some seven hundred years ago as a friendly competition between the three largest European schools of wizardry: Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang. Every other school was told to go fuck themselves. A champion was selected to represent each school, and the three champions competed in three magical tasks. The schools took it in turns to host the tournament once every five years, and it was generally agreed to be a most excellent way of establishing ties between young witches and wizards of different nationalities — until, that is, the death toll mounted so high that the tournament was discontinued." At the words death toll it was safe to say Harry was getting a bad feeling about this.

"As such the heads of the participating schools, along with the Ministry of Magic, have agreed to impose an age restriction on contenders this year. Only students who are of age — that is to say, seventeen years or older — will be allowed to put forward their names for consideration. If anyone below that age was to enter we feel that they would die horribly I mean can you imagine if that happened." Dumbledore finished with a chuckle before he mimed someone dying horribly.

It was at this moment when the only sound, other than Dumbledore's chuckling, was Madam Pomfrey trying to get Moody to start breathing again that the entire student body plus most the staff all turned in unison towards a certain green-eyed Gryffindor. Noticing the entire hall staring at him with a stoic silence (with the exceptions of Draco Malfoy who had a huge shit eating grin and Cedric Diggory who just seemed to sparkle) Harry summed up his feelings in a single word.

"Fuck…".

A.N. Hey you made it this far well done it does get better or rather sillier. So next time the other schools show up and Harry endures some weird lessons.

Did you know that Peeves got cut from the Harry Potter films because the actor was too funny? When attempting to film the scenes the children would piss themselves laughing and as such the film producers decided to not use him for later movies or the character at all which just goes to show kids fucking ruin everything.