Break Down & Into Your Heart

Chapter 57

Friday, October 3

"Dear Hestia,

It hurts me to do it and I know you'll be mad at me, but please know I am absolutely wretched as I write this.

I don't think you should come to Sussex on Friday. I erroneously told Derek about your offer to join the secret thing over dinner that day after you'd left. He thought Gwen was right about it. He didn't say anything when you came to tell us of Dedalus' death because he knows how much we loved him. But he's adamant now that you should not come over unnecessarily, since he knows you're part of it now. He says I should think about the safety of our children. And as much as it pains me, he's right. My children mean the world to me – I simply cannot risk having contact with you when we know it's not safe.

Little Di is sad though. I told her last week you'd be coming and she keeps asking eagerly when you'll be home. I don't know what to say to her now. But I don't want you to be alone on Friday and so I've asked Gwen to make a visit.

I'm deeply sorry it has come to this, but these are desperate times, Estie. Derek says two of his colleagues have disappeared and it only adds to my worry for you. You're my older sister and I cannot force you to, but will you please leave them for good, like I asked you to at Dedalus' funeral? Nothing good can come from you being with them. Have you seen in the Daily Prophet what happened to them all the last time around? Haven't you seen what happened to Dedalus?

I'm scared for you, Estie, I really am. You know your secret is safe with me and Derek, but for your own good, please don't get entangled with their lot.

Much love,

Demi.

P.S Gwen was a bit too excited when I asked her to stop by your house on Friday. That worries me. Please don't let her drag you off to a club or something.

P.P.S On second thought, it's not such a bad idea. You could meet someone you like and make out if you want to. That always helps on a bad day.

Hestia's morning had soured when she read the letter from her sister. She had been looking forward to see her niece and nephew but she was denied her only means of escape.

As much as she was upset, she could not resent her for what she had done. It made sense that she should limit her contact with them. Though even the Death Eaters were unaware of her being in the Order, it could not be kept a secret forever. She had no choice but to grudgingly accept Demi's decision.

Was she going to keep losing all her family till she was finally alone for good?

A stray tear escaped her eyes but she reined her emotion in. Demetra was only being cautious – she had not cast her away from the family or anything. Perhaps, she did not want to see her until the war was over. That could be in a year or a few or even decades.

What if she never saw them again? The unbidden thought left her dazed.

She did not want to leave the Order however, no matter what Demi said. Hestia was a very private person and she loved spending time alone. But she was also human and she needed to see at least a few familiar faces now and then to remind herself that even if she was alone, she wasn't lonely. And she had grown to care for and rely on each of the Order members in the last couple of years. She could not just push them away too.

Dedalus' death had left her shaken, but so was the entire Order. If she had to detach herself from everyone, especially during these times of war... no, she could not do that to herself. Mourning in loneliness was not new to her and she knew how much she'd rather not do just that, especially on days like today.

And the Order gave her a sense of purpose – something she had been lacking for a long time.

Which was why, despite the turmoil she was in after her sister's letter, she pulled herself together and left for that day's Potterwatch broadcast in the evening.

"Wotcher Hestia." Tonks' grin faded as soon as she laid eyes on her. "You alright there?"

Hestia smiled quite sincerely for the concern she had shown. "Just a bad morning."

Tonks immediately lightened up, rolling her eyes. "Tell me about it. One of these days, Remus is going to blow a fuse waking up to Fred and George having at it with that dumb ghoul."

"Poor Remus." Hestia snorted before she shook her head in sympathy.

"Oh, don't you pity him," said a disgruntled Sirius, glaring at Remus, the latter who was in the midst of tutoring Ron and Hermione on the dining table along with Catherine. It looked a mess with scrolls of parchment and books littered everywhere.

Tonks smirked. "You're just mad he trounced your arse in the duelling lesson this morning in front of the kids."

"I wasn't completely sober from last night," complained Sirius. "And he knew it too, that right git. He could have gone easy on me."

"Tell that to the Death Eaters," threw back Tonks before looking around and sighing loudly. "Where are those boys? It's getting late!"

She stomped off upstairs to find Fred and George, leaving Hestia and Sirius alone by the doorway which led to the dining area.

Sirius took one look at her and narrowed his eyes. "What's up with you?"

Hestia drew back, taken by surprise. "I beg your pardon?"

Sirius' frown softened to concern. "Is everything okay?"

Was it that obvious? Hestia reckoned she felt much better than she looked. She felt her cheeks heat up at the intensity in his eyes and almost forgot she had enough troubles to be dealing with. She stuttered. "Y-yes, of course. Why do you ask?"

Sirius was still gazing intently at her as if he was searching for something on her face, before he shook his head. "Had to make sure everyone is functioning at a hundred per cent before I send you off on a mission. If you're troubled with something else, I need to know. We don't want anyone caught or injured because your head isn't in the game."

Hestia felt her head was much clearer now, thank you very much. "I'm fine, Sirius. If I'm not up for a task, I'd have let you know instead of risking everyone else."

Even though Sirius nodded curtly, she could see the curiosity in his eyes had not dimmed.

She did not know whether the swooping sensation in her stomach was out of a girly satisfaction that he'd picked up on her mood or utter anxiety that he had picked up on her disposition and it could only spell more trouble if he decided to dig in further.

"Quit hounding her, Sirius," said Tonks, who had donned a denim jacket over her t-shirt and jeans. Her purple hair was so long, it grazed her hips. "If we all had to be at a hundred per cent, I reckon none of us would be able to go on a mission. I see you've not volunteered to be on the security team yet."

She put her hands on her hips and glared at him, tapping her foot.

Sirius threw up his hands. "Remus says I'd be a hypocrite if I did."

Tonks snorted. "He isn't wrong. Do what you preach, like my dad says."

"What are you going to be doing?" asked Hestia, glancing at his travelling cloak.

"Proudfoot and I will be re-enchanting the spells around Doge's house. The old man's gone down with a fever and he's not going to be able to do it himself."

They were interrupted by Fred and George Weasley who were bodily picking up Remus Lupin from his chair. "Yes, he understands Remus. Now can we please go?"

"It'll take more than an hour to set everything up and it's already half past six!"

"Alright, alright," said Remus and Fred let him go, letting out a relieved sigh.

Remus immediately rounded on Ron. "But without the second addition of a shrivelfig at step nine—"

"It's not going to turn pink," interjected Ron with exasperation, "which means the Elixir of Euphoria is going to – I don't know – make your nerves explode or die out of happiness? A Shrivelfig should reduce the combined effect of the wormwood and the sopophorous beans."

"Very good, Ron." Remus nodded approvingly. "I see you understood the theory. So we can confidently have a practical brewing session tomorrow. Hermione has been asking for it since last week."

Ron, who had been grinning proudly, turned to Hermione with a glare. Hermione, however, had not noticed as she was writing on a scroll of parchment as long as three feet with rapid speed. She did not look up when she said distractedly, "I think you've got it this time, Ron."

Ron's glare melted away and he gaped at her in a mixture of shock and awe, his ears reddening. Hestia, Tonks and Sirius hastily stepped out of the room before they burst out laughing.

"Poor kid," said Sirius, shaking his head and chortling.

Hestia laughed. "I bet he doesn't realize he has a bit more than just a crush on her."

"Three galleons Hermione asks him out first." Tonks grinned, waggling her eyebrows.

Hestia shook her head. "I'd bet on that too."

"Nah," said Sirius, smirking knowingly. "Hermione might be first in school, but it'll be Ron who will come around first in this."

Tonks' purple eyes glinted. "You're on!"

"Have we finished betting on the love lives of children and get on with it now?" Remus appeared out of the doorway, followed by everyone else.

"Oh, you're one to talk, Professor." Tonks surreptitiously winked at him.

oOo

Hestia was in better spirits by the time they had successfully finished another Potterwatch broadcast. She had not given even a thought to the day's significance and was perfectly content to be around everyone as they discussed the events from the Daily Prophet and deeming what needed to be mentioned on the next Potterwatch.

When Percy had arrived at the last few minutes of the meeting and told them about the parents-to-be, she was happy for them. She truly was.

But, the ill-timed news was a stark reminder of what she had lost on the very same day and every emotion she had been suppressing all day finally got to be too overwhelming. She wanted to be alone, away from everyone where she would not have to be feigning a smile when she was miserable inside.

She sneaked away from the building, certain no one would notice her absence, at least not until she had already left home. She was wrong however.

A loud bark reverberated across the open grounds causing her to jump in alarm and turn around, wand at the ready. She could make out the dark form of his Animagus trotting towards her along the allée and she hurried to wipe away her tears, lest they give her away.

Night had befallen the valley of Stogumber with a new moon in the purple sky. The wind whispered through the leaves of the juniper trees along the driveway, stimulating the air with its ripe scent. She pocketed her wand, watching his approaching form with wide eyes and he slowed, transforming mid-way into human again.

The frown on Sirius' face made her feel a bit nervous. She attempted to make light of the situation and she smirked. "Are you always going to be chasing after me wherever I go?"

Sirius was not smiling. He folded his hands over himself, his posture relaxed, even though it seemed defensive. "Where are you going?"

Annoyed at the interrogation, Hestia's tone sharpened. "I'm not obliged to stay even after the meeting is over, am I?"

"No," Sirius conceded, tilting his head forward. "But I'm asking you as a friend, Hestia. You seemed upset all afternoon – is something wrong?"

Hestia did not know what to say. His question was unchanged since morning despite her having told him there was nothing to worry about. He must have deduced something was up with her, no matter how many times she kept insisting against the same. She did not know if he would accept her answer this time too.

But opening up to him of all people would be the death of her, not when it could possibly affect their friendship. She avoided his scrutiny. "How many times do I have to tell you, Sirius? I'm just tired and I have some work I need to get back to."

Sirius ducked his head to look at her eyes properly. "Then why have you been crying?"

Hestia grew exasperated with his dogged necessity to know everything – like he cared for her. Even though the thought filled her up with warmth, it was sucked out of her again when she realized that if he actually cared, it would only make matters worse for her.

Tears pooled into her eyes, even though she had no idea why she felt like crying now, but Hestia was not going to let them fall. She stubbornly maintained, "What are you talking about? I haven't been—"

Sirius reached out to wipe an errant tear, his callused thumb stroking her cheek gently, almost lovingly. Even his one touch was stirring her soul deep within; she could almost feel it in her stomach. But today was a stark reminder of what she couldn't have – she could never have this… she couldn't… she shouldn't…

And the very thought was enough to make Hestia break down completely. The next moment, Sirius had her in her arms, holding her tightly like he had when they'd just found Dedalus, unrecognizable in a pool of his own blood.

A sob escaped her at the vivid memory and she buried her face into his shoulder. She did not know what she should grieve over – Dedalus' brutal murder or her sister's refusal to allow her in her house or the new realization that she should probably stay away from Sirius for her own good and his.

She was confused, conflicted – and if his strong, warm hand on her back had not held her in place, she would have succumbed to unconsciousness. He rubber her back gently, murmuring, "Come now, it's okay…"

What must he think of her? She couldn't even handle watching one of her loved ones murdered, when Sirius had probably seen almost all of the previous Order assassinated in a similar fashion. Was it going to happen to her too?

She could feel his voice vibrating through her hands on his chest when he said, "You know you can tell me anything, Hestia."

Hestia drew back slightly and looked up at him. His haunting grey eyes were darkened with concern, and it made Hestia wonder if perhaps her feelings had not gone unnoticed after all.

Sirius took in a breath as if he wanted to say something, but the words had got caught in his throat. The cleft in his chin more pronounced than ever in the dark and his deep set eyes which were shrouded in shadows were profoundly fascinating. He was still handsome; even Azkaban could not take it completely away from him. He was leaning closer, she could make out the sharpness of his nose and the curve of his lips and the feel of his breath on her like warm butterbeer…

Her heart was racing in panic. She knew she would give in if she stayed there a moment longer. He was a temptation she would not be able to resist.

But, she could not have him either.

Hestia extricated herself from him, taking a few steps back. Already, her body distinctly felt the loss of his closeness. She avoided his gaze, not wanting to see any emotion in his eyes that would make her question her decision. She shook her head and whispered, "I can't."

And without any need to explain herself further, she turned around and hurried out the gates before she Disapparated.

oOo

Sunday, October 5

It was two days after Hestia had abrubtly left him alone on a chilly October night – two days since Sirius had seen Hestia as she had not shown up at Headquarters last night either.

Sirius had never felt more confused or gutted in his life. Why was she hiding something from him? On first instinct, Sirius had assumed that the finality of Dedalus' death had struck her only then and it must have naturally been overwhelming. It was understandable – even he had trouble forgetting that gruesome scene.

Hestia had no reason to keep that a secret from him however, and he reasoned it had to be something else. But, she would not give him even a hint of what had made her break down so unexpectedly. Sirius could not put her anguished tears behind him nor could he let her think that she had no one to turn to. He wanted to visit her, to make sure that she was fine and probably apologize for stepping on her boundaries – he would have done so under normal circumstances too. And yet, something was stopping him.

Sirius might have wasted half of his life in Azkaban, but even he was not blind to what had been happening all these months. While getting away from Azkaban and finally having a chance at a life of his own had been fantastic to envision, it could only be so on paper.

Being with Harry had made him the happiest he could have been in a very long time, but once he'd left for Hogwarts during the year, Sirius was faced with the cold reality that everything had changed – his home, his way of life, his eating habits, his appearance, his friends and even his family. Even he had become a different person and it was challenging to grow accustomed to himself, let alone new people.

But despite it all, he had made a connection with Hestia. They had become familiar and even grown comfortable with each other's presence. He realized the significance of his friendship with Hestia only when it struck him that there was no one else he'd rather share an evening with other than her.

And Sirius had probably ruined it when he leaned in to almost kiss her. How could he have been so stupid? That was completely out of line.

He didn't know what possessed him, but she had been looking at him with those pretty blue eyes and Sirius couldn't help but ponder on how beautiful she looked even when she was crying. He dearly wished he could turn back the clock just so he could have her in his arms for a bit longer, instead of the mortification he felt for hours after for his inconsiderate response to her distress.

He did not know what he could say to her if he were to visit her either. But with Dedalus gone, Sirius somehow felt responsible for her well-being and did not want to let her go unchecked.

Seeing as he was the leader of the Order, he saw it within his right to make a visit to her house – only to make sure she was doing alright of course, and to ask her why she had not made it to the meeting last night.

He felt slightly nauseous to think about facing her again however, and was putting off the Patronus call for more than a couple of hours now.

Hestia seemed to have made the decision for him as Sirius was startled when a slender cat Patronus cantered into Mr. Potter's study gracefully. It spoke in her voice. "I need to discuss something with you urgently. Meet me as soon as you can."

Sirius had seen that as the sign he'd been waiting for and rushed to her house, all anxiety forgotten at the reticent invitation. He knocked on the door twice and stood waiting, before it was opened by Hestia. Her usually perfectly brushed hair was up in a loose, messy bun with a few strands brushing the sides of her face. If he looked closely, he could see her eyes were a bit puffy and her pink lips were chapped, like she had been worrying it incessantly.

Sirius had never seen anything more perfect.

Bloody hell, he was here to apologize, not admire her features in great detail.

"Look, Hestia, I didn't—" he began, but was cut off when he heard someone else inside. "Newt! Get off, you bloody beast!"

Sirius frowned at the recognizable strong, feminine voice. He was proven right when the last person he wanted to see, joined Hestia in the doorway.

"Gwenog?"

Sirius stared between her and Hestia, the latter who was pointedly avoiding his gaze.

"Sirius!" exclaimed Gwen, grinning, before she pushed aside Hestia and rushed to hug him. Sirius was knocked out of his breath by the sudden yet somewhat expected display on Gwen's part. Now, Sirius might have rebelled against his family and their traditions for the entirety of his life, but Euphemia Potter was a fine woman, who knew how to raise her sons right. He was not going to push her away even if it was exactly what he wanted to do at that moment.

He patted her awkwardly before he gently disentangled himself from her. "What are you doing here?"

If possible, Gwen appeared even more enthusiastic. "You better come in. It's not something you discuss out in the open."

She glanced around pointedly before she grabbed his hand and hauled him inside past Hestia, who seemed completely indifferent to it all.

"Come on, sit down, sit down." Gwen gestured for him to take the couch, before she turned to call for their house-elf. Sirius hastened to take the armchair when she wasn't looking. Hestia followed them inside and Sirius found himself looking at her inquisitively, wondering what in Merlin's name was going on.

Teeny, Hestia's diminutive house-elf, levitated a tray of goblets filled with Firewhiskey. They each took a goblet and Gwen and Hestia took the couch. Sirius painfully noted that Hestia was sitting farther away from him than usual.

Sirius finished a third of his Firewhiskey – he had a feeling he was going to need it. He frowned between the two of them and when no one was forthcoming, he asked, "What's going on?"

Gwen was beaming happily but it was Hestia who answered, "Gwen wants to join the Order."

Sirius blinked. Whatever Sirius had been expecting, this was definitely not it. "Come again?"

"I want to join the Order," repeated Gwen.

"I don't remember inviting anyone to join," Sirius said brusquely.

Hestia intervened. "Moody invited her and my sister, the same time Proudf— the others joined in."

"Firstly, Mad-Eye isn't here," said Sirius, glaring at her. "And secondly, we currently don't need new members. We barely know what to do with the existing ones."

"Oh that's a load of tosh, Sirius," scoffed Gwen, attracting all eyes on her. "You'll need all the help you can get. And someone like me, who's got enough influence at the higher levels of the Ministry, is going to be more valuable than mere children."

Just because he grudgingly agreed to her point, didn't mean he had to like it. "But what about your Quidditch practice? Won't you have training to do?"

"You wouldn't believe what happened," said Gwen enticingly, like she was about to reveal something gossip-worthy.

"Have they cancelled it or something?"

Sirius was only joking but he did not expect to hear the outburst of "How did you know?"

"Yes, there's some talk of cancelling this year's season," said Gwen, nodding and with an uncharacteristically solemn air about her. "A lot of players have disappeared – whether hiding, or killed, who knows? It'll be dreadfully boring swinging Bludgers if there's no one to beat around."

"They're cancelling Quidditch?" asked Sirius, surprised. He could not believe the Ministry would want to cancel the year's season altogether. Surely, they would want to keep the pretence that they didn't have Voldemort's puppet sitting up there? Why cancel Quidditch which would certainly raise a lot of eyebrows?

"Oh, the Ministry wants to go ahead with it," said Gwen, rolling her eyes. "Idiots, the lot of them. They reckon this is the right time as any to push for purebloods to fill up all the vacant positions."

"That's more like it," remarked Sirius wryly.

"I wasn't having any of it." Gwen puffed up in irritation. "Goldblum might be a whiny bitch, but there's no way they're trying to replace my best seeker when I'm the Captain. I heard they dragged her off to Azkaban, those sodding twits."

"Why didn't you do anything about it?" asked Sirius, frowning.

"That's what frustrates me!" Gwen jumped up from the couch and began to pace. "I can do nothing! Though I may be the Captain, I have no choice but to sign every paper they throw at me, agreeing to a new seeker against my will. So guess what I did?"

"What did you do?" asked Sirius, a little apprehensive. Knowing Gwen, she probably knocked the socks out of someone high up.

Gwen looked smugly triumphant. "I resigned."

"You did what?"

"Yep, just sent my resignation this morning," Gwen spoke cheerfully. "It should be all over the papers tomorrow. I'd love to see them grovel. And when they do, I'll have the upper hand."

"You're the captain of the Holyhead Harpies!" exclaimed Sirius. "You can't just throw away something like that on a whim and decide to join the Order."

The malevolent grin on her face slid off. "A whim? This is no whim. I'm not Captain of anything if half my teammates are either in Azkaban or in hiding. I can do nothing, but the Order can."

"Now, hold on a minute," said Sirius, putting up his finger, deducing immediately just what she was getting at. "We are not going to break into Azkaban to save a few of your teammates."

Gwen rounded on him. "It's not just a few teammates! Do you know how many muggleborns are up there?"

"There could be hundreds or thousands," said Sirius, unconcerned. "But risking all our lives for them is a daft thing to do!"

Gwen folded her arms over herself, raising a single eyebrow. "Would you be so complacent if there was one of your own in there?"

"But there isn't," said Sirius, simply. "We save each other's backs, not every witch or wizard who can't defend themselves."

He stood up, scowling at her. "And you cannot just sign up to become an Order member and ask so much of us. It's all of our lives on the line."

"I thought this Order was supposed to help people!" exclaimed Gwen. "I thought you were doing this for the good of all of magical Britain!"

"That's what we did the last time. Look what happened to us – there's barely anyone left," said Sirius. "And I didn't see you rushing to join as soon as you were invited. You're here to help yourself. Yet you find it unbelievable that we're doing the same thing as well."

Gwen appeared chagrined, only for a moment, before she appeared fierce again. "If you can't help me, I'll find other ways to do what I need to do."

Sirius had no doubt about that. But he glanced at Hestia, who was watching both of them tersely. Hestia had not once objected to Gwen's wish to join the Order. It was no secret that Gwen desired him and Hestia had once been irked by the same too.

Merlin's beard, could he perhaps hope that Hestia might have fancied him quite a bit too?

Sirius very nearly beamed at the thought and risked appearing as insane as everyone thought him to be.

What had changed for her to push him away? She was involving Gwen inside their relationship now, just when Sirius had made it quite obvious that he fancied her too and he could not comprehend why she would do what she did.

But, for now, Sirius would give her what she wanted.

He turned to Gwen. "I'm not refusing your offer to join the Order. We're short of members and it would be good to have someone as influential as you in the future. But, I will not allow you to make decisions for us when you have hardly any idea what we've been through."

Gwen was scowling at him, uncharacteristically quiet. Finally, she relented. "Fine. I get it."

"Good," said Sirius, who then turned to Hestia and hesitated. "You understand she can't get inside headquarters— without—right?"

Seeing as Arthur Weasley was the Secret-Keeper of Headquarters, it was going to be difficult to let her in when they were cut off from the Weasleys.

Hestia gave a short nod in understanding, which Sirius returned. He looked at Gwen, who was staring at him strangely. "I'll need at least a week's time to get you inside. In the meantime, I suggest you stick close to Hestia who'll let you know when you can officially join, alright?"

Gwen broke into a grin before biting her lip. "Understood, Sirius."

Sirius looked between the two women, before deciding to leave. He was by the door, when he frowned and turned around to meet Hestia's eyes. He wanted to say a lot of things to her, but he was aware of Gwen watching his every move voraciously.

"The meeting is tomorrow at 8. Don't be late."

oOo

A/N: Thank you for your reviews :) Always brightens my day!

Until next time.