The Princess and the Alchemist

Alphonse of the Noble House of Elric, one of the most renowned and chivalrous knights in the land, stands in front of his elder brother, his jaw hanging uselessly from utter shock. He has thought that nothing Edward is capable of can surprise him any longer, after all their crazy adventures together. Apparently, he has been proven wrong yet again.

"...So let me get this straight. In the one week I was gone, you somehow managed to defeat a dragon, rescue a princess, get engaged to said princess - accidentally, might I add - and become the second in line for the throne," Alphonse says in disbelief. Edward looks back at him with a pout. "I can't decide if I should congratulate or strangle you right now."

"Hey, it wasn't my fault!" His alchemist brother exclaims with offense, as if this such occurrences happen to them every other week. Although to be fair, that statement is not too far from the truth. "How was I supposed to know that stupid jerk of a dragon was in the middle of a royal kidnapping?"

"So you beat it up, because...?"

"He insulted me."

The knight sighs deeply, feeling a very familiar headache coming. "Let me guess. He called you short."

"He said I was a pipsqueak," Edward tells him forcefully like that was the worst offence in the land. "My honor demanded its rightful vengeance."

"How many times must we go over this, brother?" Alphonse throws his hands in the air in exasperation. "You're not a knight! You fighting for your honor is not legally sanctioned in this kingdom!"

"What about my manly pride, Al?"

"It's still illegal, Ed!"

"Well, this time I fought an enormous evil green lizard, so your argument is invalid," the alchemist says smugly.

Alphonse opens his mouth in protest, then after a couple of seconds, closes it helplessly. His brother does have a point. He shakes his head and continues:

"So you got in a fight with a dragon. And you didn't notice it had a princess captured?"

"Of course I noticed, I'm not blind!" Edward huffs, crossing his arms. "I mean, I didn't know she was a princess at the time, obviously. She certainly didn't look like one."

"Why's that?"

"She was holding a huge wrench and hitting the thing with it like a psycho."

Alphonse has to pause to blink. Several times. "A... wrench."

"Yeah. And cursing. It was kind of awesome."

Are his ears deceiving him, or was there a hint of wistfulness in his brother's voice? Alright, Alphonse is definitely going to meet that girl as soon as he can.

"So you defeated the dragon together?"

"Don't be ridiculous, of course I defeated it completely on my own," Edward says, but there is a suspicious hint of a blush on his cheeks. Alphonse smells an untold story there. "Like I would ever need that Gearhead's help."

For a moment, the knight is under the impression he misheard. "Gearhead?"

"Yeah, Winry's a complete Gearhead," Edward complains, but Alphonse has long learned this was the kind of tone his brother used whenever he was fond of someone. Edward growing to like a girl so much in only a week? This is definitely true love. Alphonse feels himself relax a bit. "She's totally obsessed about all things automail. You should have seen her freak out when she saw my arm damaged-"

"You damaged your arm?!"

"Just some minor damage!" Edward says really quickly and Alphonse strongly suspects it was anything but minor. "And it's all fixed anyway, so you don't need to worry about it."

Alphonse decides to let it slide for once. There are more important things to focus on right now.

"Right, so you and the princess-"

"Winry."

"-you and princess Winry defeated the dragon together-"

"I told you, Al, I had it all under control!"

"-and you accidentally proposed marriage to her somehow."

"It wasn't like that!" Edward protests with a flushed face. "She was all mocking me like 'I suppose you think yourself my knight in shining armor', and I was like 'Hell no, I am an alchemist not a knight, my brother is the knight', and she said I was too rude to be one anyway, which was slander and completely untrue-"

It is a testament of Alphonse's adamant force of will that he doesn't laugh out loud.

"And then she was like 'It's a good thing, because then I would owe you a kiss and you certainly don't deserve one', and I said: 'Listen here, you Gearhead, I would never want to kiss someone like you anyway!' And then she got super mad for some reason and started yelling at me and hitting me on the head with her wrench-"

With his brother's unparallelled obliviousness to diplomacy and the fair gender, Alphonse wonders yet again how exactly Edward could possibly end in a spontaneous engagement with anyone.

"-but then she saw my arm and got all serious and stuff and said that at least she could fix that for me. So I was like, why the heck not. So I took her back to my camp-"

Alphonse narrows his eyes suspiciously. "I trust your actions from that point were nothing less than chivalrous, Edward? Because mark my words, Brother, if you did anything to spoil princess Winry's honor..."

"What?! No!" Edward squeaks, his eyes wide. "How could you even-!? We didn't do anything! She only kissed me once! And that was the next day. And I was totally chivalrous, I gave her my own tent - made myself a new one - and everything!"

Well, that's a relief. Not that Alphonse would ever believe otherwise, the circumstances of this conversations are merely throwing Alphonse's sense of reality a bit, that's all. To be honest, he still isn't completely convinced if this isn't just a very strange dream.

"So you invited her to your camp, and...?"

"She fixed my arm and we talked for a bit."

"How romantic."

"It was not...!" Edward snaps, but then he blushes yet again and looks away. "Well, alright, I admit that it was... kind of nice. And I realized she wasn't all that bad. You know, for a Gearhead."

"Uhuh. And the engagement?"

"I was getting to that. So the next day, Winry said that I was probably going to be rewarded by her parents for rescuing her."

"And let me guess, you said you wouldn't expect any reward?"

"What else was I supposed to say? It wouldn't be equivalent exchange anyway, because aside from the fact that she already paid me back when fixed my automail for me, I didn't even beat up that dragon to rescue her in the first place. But Winry didn't agree with me for some reason. She's really persistent."

"And?"

"W-well," Edward stutters awkwardly. "For s-some reason, she thought the, uh, kiss would be a fair trade, and I couldn't say no without giving an actual reason why I wouldn't want a kiss from her. And I remembered how angry she got about it the other day, so I let her."

"Let her." Alphonse raises an eyebrow with a sly smirk.

"On the cheek!" Edward exclaims with an entirely red face.

"Such a terrible punishment, was it? So much you proposed to her on the same day."

"It wasn't like that," the alchemist mutters with embarrassment.

"Then how was it exactly, Brother, if you could kindly explain it to me?"

"Well, Winry made this stupid comment about hoping that the king won't decide to give me her hand in gratitude for rescuing his royal niece..."

It wouldn't surprise Alphonse if that happened. It is kind of tradition, really. The fact that Edward, his brother of all people, finds himself in such an arrangement is a lot more surprising.

"And I replied 'Well I should be hoping that, because then I would be stuck with a royal Gearhead. You on the other hand, would be stuck with a totally amazing and incredible alchemist.'"

The knight hides his face in his hands. "Brother, please tell me you did not really say that to her?"

"Well..."

"Don't answer that, it was rhetorical."

"Alright."

Alphonse massages his temples with a resigned sigh. "Just... continue."

"So, she's like 'More like a blond dwarf!', and I was like 'Who the hell are you calling so small they fit on the top of a spindle?!'" Edward puffs up. "And then she made this ridiculous accusation that I'm afraid of her parents presenting her hand to me. And I was like, I totally am not!"

"And I told her so, and she says 'You're too much of a coward to consider getting married to me! You're too scared to even try to get to know me!'" Edward holds his arms and his sides like he's defending himself. "Of course I couldn't let that go! And I said: 'I will get to know you, and then I'll marry you, and you'll see just how scared of you I am!' And she shouted 'Fine!', and then I shouted 'Fine!' back at her, and now here we are."

Of course it went down that way. Why have Alphonse expected anything different?

"So... you're officially engaged."

"I guess? I mean, Winry formally introduced me as her fiancé to her parents and everything."

"And you're not backing out?"

"Of course not! Then I would prove the Gearhead right!" Edward snaps. "I am not scared of her!"

"So you're going to marry her to prove her wrong."

"Obviously."

Alphonse inwardly despairs.

"Oh!" Edward snaps his fingers as he's reminded of something. "And for your information, I'm not really going to be second in line for the throne. If anything happens Winry's cousin Roy, he'll leave the leadership of the country to his fiancée commander Riza. So don't worry about me potentially becoming a king or whatever - that's never going to happen."

The knight can't stop a loud sigh of relief. "Oh thank God."

"You didn't seriously think I'd even want the throne, did you?" the alchemist asks a little incredulously. "Nevermind agreeing on becoming an heir. If Winry wants to be king or whatever, then she can be my guest, but I would never want anything to do with this ruling Amestris nonsense."

"Wouldn't she be a queen?"

"Technically no," Edward says thoughtfully. "Amestris has been a monarchy and for centuries and the official title of the primary ruler is 'king' and the king's consort's 'queen', regardless of their gender. In theory, if a female inherits the throne her official title is still king, even if the people refer to her as queen due to the gender usually associated with the position."

Alphonse stares at his brother speechlessly for a long moment. "Uh... huh... and why do you know this exactly?"

"Winry made a long rant about the subject when she was fixing my automail. Actually, three kings of Amestris in the past were women. They're just not listed in the archives for some reason, and Winry is super angry about it."

The knight decides right then, princess Winry and his brother are definitely made for each other. His only current concern is that their children are going to be absolutely terrifying.

"Ah," Alphonse says in sudden enlightenment. "So that's why you want nothing to do with the throne. Because then you would officially become the drama queen."

And Edward hits him.

Author's Note:

I had a weird idea recently: "What would Edward do if he was put in the classing Disney/Fairy-tale setting where he's the hero who rescues the princess from a dragon?" Well, this is the result. The dragon was Envy, obviously, if anyone missed that. And of course Roy would be the pompous crown prince of Amestris, with Riza as his commander and Alphonse as one of the knights. Can you imagine them any other way?

By the way, if anyone is interested in making a cover for this fic - one where one of the characters or more is dressed in some typical fantasy outfit and has an irritated or pouty face. I tried to find a picture like that but I found nothing. I would of course give credit to the creator and everything. Just a polite request!

Thank you all very much for reading, please review and add to favorites if you enjoyed it, but most importantly - read on and enjoy! :)