3 months, that was how long it had been since her chat with Barba, since she had told him everything she had fully intended to not tell anyone when she first moved here and now it was something that well known among her colleagues. It had also been the last time she had grabbed a drink with him or allowed herself to be alone with him, she hadn't treated Carisi with the same level of distance but with the man so clearly caught up on Amanda there was no danger of blurred lines but with him, Rafael, no Barba she could picture things she had long ago told herself she didn't need. Quiet Sundays spent in bed, with breakfast and crappy TV, exploring the restaurants of New York together on their weekly date night, it was all too easy to see herself happy with him and she couldn't risk it. Didn't think she would have to, she really thought she had done that well at avoiding him without making it seem to obvious until that night.

She was making her way out of the 1-6 when she saw him stood leaning against a streetlight, staring down at his phone, perfectly tailored suit still in place and his hair looking as good as it had in the courtroom this morning. He looked up catching her eye and smiled a shy smile at her one she had never seen on his face before.

"I thought I could walk you home?" it was a nervous suggestion, his anxiety laced his every word.

"I..." she didn't know what to say, she hadn't let anyone know where she lived yet and that was intentional, but the longer she paused the more his face fell, so she took a breath "I would like that"

The walk started out in an almost uncomfortable silence. Their steps while perfectly in sync seemed miles apart and it made her feel awful, the distance she had hoped to create was currently making her feel worse than she'd felt since waking up that morning all those months ago. She had to do something, anything to diffuse the tension between them.

"You often stalk people outside their place of work and demand to walk them home?" she joked, hearing his release of breath and see a ghost of a smirk

"Only the ones that refuse to talk to me" he countered

"Barba I,"

"Can you not use my last name, just for this walk" he cut her off

Her palms were sweating and she didn't know what to say so she just nodded at him.

"Did I upset you? Have I somehow ruined whatever it was we had?" he sounded so genuinely confused

"You haven't done anything Rafael, I just I'm not ready to accept people back into my life yet, not more than professionally"

"Funny because Carisi still gets to drink with you and Liv buys you coffee on our morning coffee stop, but not me. I don't get drinks and I'm not allowed to buy you coffee, so I'm going to ask again. Have I upset you?" he didn't sound angry, just frustrated and she would allow him that

"No, you haven't"

"Then why?"

"Because its too complicated with you, Carisi he's my partner, Liv's my boss. I can put them into little boxes and label what they are but with you I can't do that. You're not just the ADA, to anyone there, and its been so long since I've had friends that I don't know how to do this. And if we're being honest here Rafael is that all you want from me, friendship? I hadn't even been here six months before you stuck your tongue down my throat so what exactly do you want from me?" she had stopped walking now as she bombarded him with words.

"Nothing, I guess I don't want anything from you. Get home safe" he told her and he turned and walked away from her, leaving her to feel like the biggest ass on the planet.

She knew she had to make this right, but as she neared her apartment she couldn't help but think she had ruined this thing once and for all. He sounded so final as he walked away from her and the thought scared her. He was a good man, the best, he was attractive, smart and passionate so what the hell was she running from. She couldn't protect herself from heartbreak she knew it wasn't rational to think she could and he would never hurt her physically. So what was she so scared of? The fact that it could be real, that if this worked it could be it for her and all her life she had ran when things got real. She knew what she had to do.

The next night, she was stood waiting for him as he walked out of his building, briefcase in hand, looking down at his phone as usual. He put his phone in his pocket, and looked up, freezing when he saw her stood there.

"Walk you home?"

He didn't respond just walked passed her as thought she weren't even there, so she followed him.

"I know you're angry with me, I said some unfair things last night but I'm here and I'm trying to apologise." he carried on walking "For goodness sake Rafael, would you just stop and look at me?!"

Maybe it was the tone of her voice, or the fact she had used his given name without prompting but he stopped, and turned to look at her expectantly making her forget everything she was going to say.

"I'm sorry for throwing the kiss back in your face, you already apologised for that once. The truth is though, its not you who might want more... its me. And I know that sounds crazy given my treatment of you but I told you I'm not an easy person. I've barely been able to stop thinking about you, and its not something that I'm used to. I find myself listening to you in the court room and imagining that passion directed at me but this wouldn't work, Liv would freak out, one of us would have to transfer, i'd ruin this sooner or later so instead I kept you at arms length and I let you think I don't care which couldn't be further from the truth but nothing can change, we can't happen it just isn't realistic. Neither of us would be willing to give up our job so its best to just move on from this as friends" she finished.

She walked towards his frozen form, placed her hand on his arm, kissed his cheek and began walking away.

"Who says I would be willing to give up my job?" she heard from behind her "And maybe it wouldn't even come to that, we wouldn't have to tell anyone not right away, this could be our secret while we figure it out."

"What about if it works? Do you leave SVU or do I?"

"I've been here a long time now maybe its time for me to try something new"

"You love your job"

"You're right I do, but I'm looking at something right now that if all went well, one day, I could love a lot more. Alex, this could work, all you have to do is try. Go on a date with me, dinner and drinks. That's all we need for now. Just think about it, let me know tomorrow. If its yes then great if not then like you said we can go on as friends."

She hadn't expected it end like that, she expected him to give up without a fight. Now she had a lot to think about.