Author's Notes: So there's this amazing video where Samuel L. Jackson basically explains the show Game of Thrones to someone who has never watched it. Its fantastic. While I was working on another project, I suddenly thought about the story of my main SWTOR character, a light-side Jedi Knight, and what would happen if his tale was being told from a less-than obvious narrator's perspective. Thanks to my other (much larger) project, I realized Kaliyo was perfect. Spoiler warning through Knights of the Eternal Throne.

Really? We're doing this? Fine. Whatever. I'm in.

So once upon a time, Spy Boy's Jedi mommy took a boy, a girl and a bucket of bolts, stuffed them all on a ship, and sent them off to save the galaxy. Starting with chasing down a bunch of Sith who were into blowing up planets.

Crazy, right? So much for this famous 'Jedi wisdom' garbage.

Miraculously, things worked out well for everyone. Well, everyone aside from some poor sap farmers on a planet you never heard of. And if the boy and the girl started sharing a toothbrush somewhere along the way, then frankly, those muckety-mucks on Tython have no one to blame but themselves. Hormones, am I right? What they don't know won't hurt 'em.

So the boy and the girl kept up their whole 'save the galaxy' thing. Recruited themselves a full crew to help them out. Even brought in a schmuck doctor who I used to date ages ago. Honestly, I don't know how they survived with an idiot like that on board. But regardless, I gotta admit they kicked a lot of ass. They even took down the Sith Emperor. A couple of times, I think. I've lost count of how many times that old bastard has popped up. That story is fuzzy. Like, people get pissed off on the holo-nets arguing about this stuff.

Losers.

Anyway, that's where everything went to hell.

These Zakuul assholes invaded the galaxy. The boy and girl got separated. The boy got snatched and put on ice for five years while the girl went missing. The big boys – the Republic and the Empire – both rolled over. That was it – game over.

Five years past. Five shitty years.

Eventually, the Ice Princess sprung the boy lose. He hadn't actually aged, but he wasn't really a boy anymore. He couldn't find the girl. But he manned up. Him, the Ice Princess and Spy Boy teamed up and formed themselves a nice, big resistance movement. The Alliance, they called it. Real original, I know. Recruited types from all over. Anyone looking to stick it to Zakuul.

Eventually, this Outlander – that's what folks started calling him – even recruited me. Actually talked me out of blowing a giant hole in Zakuul.

Maybe I'm getting soft. Or maybe – for once – here was somebody who could actually live up to his rep.

So very long story short: We won. Whoop de damn doo. The Outlander took the damn Eternal Throne, and now we're basically running the galaxy. Gonna bring peace and harmony to everyone. Fun times.

Only problem is, the Outlander still hasn't found the girl. And he's not exactly the 'move on' type.

(Hey, don't blame me. I was gonna take him for a test drive at the victory party. Ultimate power looked good on him. I figured I'd get enough whiskey in him and eventually he'd get to work out some of his frustration on me. We'd both have a good time, no drama in the morning. But I got cock-blocked by Senya. Bitch.)

Now some new shit is going down. This secret the Outlander has kept for years – that this girl was his one and only reason for living – is coming out.

I want to meet this girl, who managed to crack the unbreakable man. She sounds like a barrel of laughs.

And the way I see it, we'd better find her. The Outlander is controlling the most powerful weapon in the galaxy. Seriously. That's a lot of pressure. We at least need to make sure he's getting laid.

Because if the boy and the girl don't get a happy ending, it's possible no one else will ever get one, either.

Pleasant dreams, kiddies. Mama Kaliyo's got work to do.