Welcome guys, this is a fic I originally wrote only for myself, but I kinda enjoyed it, so well, I decided to upload it.

It's also one of my first stories, so please regard it with indulgence. Also, English is not my mother language, so sorry in advance for any grammar or spelling mistakes!

Trigger warnings: mention of child-abuse, mention of past violence, mention of rape/non-con, mild swearing, mild romance (not sure if this Counts as trigger?)

Fortunately, I never experienced anything like that in my life, so please, if it is unappropiate or makes you feel uncomfortable, let me know.

I'm bad with trigger warnings (fortunately, lack of experience), so if you're not sure, please don't read it.

Still, it is only shortly mentioned, but rather stay safe guys!

The Story takes place after a long night of drinking with the squad in some tavern.

It is not historically accurate, but takes place in a kinda medieval/Fantasy AU, but that's not so important, for there are not many differences.

Well, enough babbling, enjoy the fic and pleeeaaase review!

After several rounds of beer and shots, they finally decided to head upstairs to the bedrooms, given that Laf was talking more shit anyone could bear at the time, Laurens was singing all the time (even though describing it as growling some lyrics would be more fitting), and Alex was now more or less openly hitting on Laurens, much to the concern of Herc, who served, like always, as the babysitter for the others. He pulled Alex away from a perplexed looking traveler, with whom Alex was arguing (or rather having a monologue, actually), causing Laurens, who helped Alex (rather drooling about him) to come with them too, and followed Laf's stumbling figure up the squeaking stairs.

They had paid for two rooms, so he shoved Alex into one of them and turned to the other, looking at Laf, waiting. Said general looked confused at the hallway, then spotted Herc and got into the bedroom afterwards. When Herc turned around, he could already see Laurens closing the door behind him and Alex. With a knowing smirk, he entered his and Laf's bedroom, where he found his curly beauty already lying on the bed, snoring slightly. With a disappointed sign, he took the spare blanket and made himself comfortable on the floor.

Laurens entered the room after Alex and closed the door behind them. He was still feeling a bit light-minded and dizzy from all the rounds they had tonight. With a sign, he looked for Alex, who was just sitting there, looking at him with a smile on his gorgeous face.

„What?", Laurens asked sheepishly.

„Anyone ever told you that your freckles look like a horse stamped into mud and left its traces on your face?", Alex giggled.

„What the..? No! Go fuck yourself! I was expecting something a bit more sensitive!"

„Okay, okay.. you wanna hear something more like.. maybe.. You look so beautiful tonight sweetheart, anyone ever told you that the freckles look like the stars in the sky, so numerous and stunning. And yet, so mysterious and far, always being able to see and admire them, and never being able to look at them from a close distance and actually touching them, counting them not only with your eyes, but feeling each single one of the with your hand or.."

At that, he trailed off and just looked at him in awe and also a bit of fearless hesitation.

Laurens was stunned, not able to utter a word, afraid he might ruin the moment with his shamefully butchered sentences, never being able to compete with the sheer beauty and eloquence of Alex's. He couldn't tell how he deserved the friendship of such a man, one that was able to summon dreams and heavens just with his words.

He must have thought for some time, because Alex's look turned ashamed and more fearful, afraid he may have crossed a line, that Laurens might be disgusted and leave. He wouldn't know how to go on without him, his passion and care was something he had never experienced before, his undoubted trust and loyalty impressing Alex deeply. And beyond that, his sight was a gift from all the Gods, his wonderful curly hair, always half kept at bay by a messy ponytail, his defined torso and arms, and his face! The aide was at a loss of words trying to describe the way his amber eyes looked ever so caring and gentle, but nonetheless with a passionate flame behind them. And he couldn't even start to try telling about his freckles, the hundreds of stars scattered across his magnificent face, his gently defined jaw...

Laurens noticed Alex's insecurity and moved towards his friend smiling.

„Now that was what I wanted to hear."

Alex laughed relieved, teasing:

„Well, someone has to lift your ego from time to time so that you don't feel bad next to my southern beauty."

Laurens chuckled, pretending to be hurt, but turned serious again, mustering the aide with a dreamy look as he made his way towards the bed. He couldn't help but loose himself in the huge chocolate brown eyes, burning with passion and intelligence, who had already seen so much, despite his young age. His dark locks were in a messy bun, some strands of it already loose, hanging in Alex's thin face. Laurens couldn't resist the desire to tuck one of these locks behind the aide's ear, his fingers brushing lightly against Alex's skin, as he sat down on the bed next to his friend. Alex stiffened as Laurens moved towards him, feeling an all but pleasant shiver down his spine as Laurens fingers touched his skin ever so softly. He was overly conscious of Laurens' weight next to him, causing the mattress to bend slightly.

Hesitantly, he lifted his hand to caress Laurens cheek. Laurens stiffened as he felt Alex's fingers on his cheek, but then leaned into the touch, smiling. He felt little fireworks explode where Alex touched him, he had never felt so at peace with himself, it couldn't even be compared to anything he ever had with anyone. It was so soft and gentle, but yet so deep and sincere. He felt as if he had to burst from joy and anticipation. Slowly, he dared to move his head towards Alex's, bringing his lips closer to his friends'. Alex met him halfway between them and their lips touched softly, sending shivers and fire through both their bodies.

Taken back by the realization of what he had just done, Laurens moved backwards, breaking the tender contact. Alex opened his eyes at the sudden movement, he hadn't even realized he had closed them, and looked up to his friend with confusion. Had he misinterpreted Laurens' intention? Laurens noticed Alex's confusion and turned his eyes to his fidgeting hands.

„I .. I'm sorry.. it was just... I dunno..", John mumbled.

„If it's alright for you, I'm fine. I'm sorry if I-"

„No, it's alright! I mean, if you.. ehm.. I didn't want to.. this is.. you know.. wrong?"

„I see..", Alex muttered, starting to turn away.

„No, I mean, it should be wrong but... nothing ever felt so right! I never understand what people find so great about a kiss, the girls I kissed always liked it but it never made me feel.. like.. now."

„I know exactly what you mean, and.. if you're not okay with it, I don't want to.. press you.."

„God, please do!", Laurens couldn't help but exclaim. „I never ever felt like that before, I couldn't even imagine how-"

„Well..", Alex chuckled, „we shouldn't waste time talking then."

And with that, he leaned over to Laurens, kissing him again, this time, for real. Laurens squeaked in surprise, but quickly returned the kiss, closing his eyes and just enjoyed the moment, forgetting everything else in the world. Goddammit, if this was wrong, then he didn't give a single fuck about his damnation. If he would rot in hell all eternity for a sole kiss from these wonderful lips, it would have been worth it a thousand times. But soon, all his thoughts were again diminished by the pure sensation of Alex's lips and the incredible tenderness of the touch.

They laid back onto the bed, mouths still intertwined in sweet unison.

Alex could do nothing but be astonished by that kiss, he had in fact imagined kissing Laurens already, but always brushed the thought away, because why would a wonder like his friend, who could have literally anyone in the world, even bother dealing with the scrappy, skinny and grumpy immigrant? He had always admired Laurens looks and simplicity, he didn't think too much of his actions, just did things naturally, whereas Alex always had a hurricane of thoughts in his mind, twirling around like a storm, causing him to often vomit words, explanations and additions to anyone crossing his paths. Laurens was just so uncomplicated and his touch made fireworks explode under Alex's skin, right now, as he flung his arms around Laurens, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss.

Gently, Laurens nibbled at his lower lip, causing Alex to open his lips and invite Laurens' tongue into his mouth. Their tongues tenderly touched each other, and suddenly, a memory flashed through Alex's mind. Slick meat forced into his mouth and down his throat, not being able to breathe, gagging, suffocating. Rough hands all over his skin, hair being grabbed with brutal force, still no air, he needed to BREATHE, he was SUFFOCATING!

Laurens noticed Alex freezing for a second, and then harshly pulling back from the kiss, while his breathing accelerated dramatically. Confused, he opened his eyes, only to see Alex staring at him with wide eyes, full of fear and panic, trying to push Laurens away from him with uncoordinated movements.

„Stop, don't make me, please, I.. you promised, I need to, I can't.. stop, please!", Alex cried while taking increasingly short and rapid breaths, clearly caught in a flashback, not being able to reach the present situation.

„Alex, it's alright, it's me, just, I'm sorry, I didn't want to...", he stopped his babbling when he realized just how fast and flat his friend breathed, hyperventilating, still having the same panic in his wide dark eyes.

He realized touching Alex right now wouldn't be the best idea, he knew Alex was having panic attacks from time to time during strong thunderstorms, and he had already leaded his friend out of them, so he started talking to Alex softly, with arms outstretched to show his empty palms, assuring his friend he didn't mean any harm to him.

„Alex, it's alright, you're save, it's just a memory, just...breathe! Come on, count with me. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...good... one, two.."

While he calmly counted to Alex, hoping his friend would join in with him, adjusting his breath rhythm to the counting, Laurens' thoughts were twirling, what the hell had triggered this? One moment, they were kissing like there was no tomorrow, experiencing the best thing in their lives, and suddenly, Alex was in the middle of a heavy panic attack. Had he pressed Alex? God, he must have been the reason for it, just when he wanted to rush, when he had to try to introduce tongue, Alex snapped. He shouldn't have tried to press his friend like that, what if Alex didn't want to ever kiss him again after this? He wouldn't know what to do if he could never experience this tenderness again! Goddammit, what the hell was he thinking right now? Egoistic thoughts of desire, with his friend practically suffocating with panic, he schould concentrate on his panicking friend!

Despite those thoughts, he kept on counting calmly, and after he had reached nine for half a dozen of times, Alex quietly joined in, mumbling almost inaudible, trying to breath once per number. As he slowly arrived to the present mentally, his thoughts once again spiraled through his mind at a breathtaking speed. What had he done? One moment, he had experienced a god coming down from heaven to kiss him, lifting him in spheres he had never thought existed, and suddenly, his stupid brain had to relive an experience from nearly a decade ago, he thought he was over this! Laurens must hate him now, will he ever want to kiss Alex again, when he always destroys the best moments with his dumb random panic attacks, come on, it can't be so hard to pull yourself together, it's been almost ten years ago!

Again, the terrible memories flashed up in his mind, and he couldn't hold back a sob, tears building in his eyes, because of those horrible, idiotically returning experiences, and because of his short-circuited reaction. He had hurt John, pushed him away, ultimately turning him down, ruining everything, how could he live without Laurens incredibly soft touches?

Laurens heard him starting to sob, burying his face in his hands, tears brimming in his eyes. He just looked so lost and confused and so fragile, regarding his small and skinny frame. Laurens was overwhelmed by a wave of protectiveness and loyal love as he saw him in this vulnerable state, normally always hidden beneath layers of eagerness, anger and sass. Only in Laurens presence, Alex let his emotions come through, and Laurens knew he would do everything for him, to protect and guard him. Now, however, he felt unsure of what to do, normally, when the aide had a panic attack due to a thunderstorm, Laurens would hug him, holding him tightly to let him know he wasn't alone. But regarding Alex's earlier reaction to Laurens approach he didn't dare to touch him without him giving consent first.

„Can I..? Is it okay if I.. hug you?"

Instead of answering, Alex let out another sob and practically threw himself into Laurens' outstretched arms, silent sobs rocking his small body, while his friend held him tight, stroking his dark messy hair reassuringly. Laurens murmured quiet nothings along the lines of „It's alright, I'm here.".

Eventually, Alex calmed down, just holding onto John as if he were the only thing in the world, which was true for him, Laurens was the only thing he mattered about right now.

„I'm so sorry, it was just a dumb.. thought. I didn't think this would happen, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to push you away, it's just-", Alex tried to explain.

„Hey, it's fine, okay? If anything, it was my fucking fault, I should have known better than to press you if you didn't want, I'm sorry, I didn't even consider the possibility of you not wanting it after-"

„In fact, I DID want it! It was just, you know, too much, it reminded me of something.. Whatever, like I said, I can never properly tell you what this kiss felt like. It was nothing like anything I ever experienced, it was fire and gentleness and passion and.. it was right...and-"

„I felt the exact same way. I promise I will never ever push you, but if you still wanna...you know.."

„Yes, I definitely do. And I'm still so terribly sorry about everything. You didn't push or press me, by the way, I wanted it, but my stupid brain decided otherwise."

„Do you.. wanna tell me? About.. what happened?"

Alex hesitated. He still couldn't bear thinking about it, let alone speak it out loud. But he didn't want to disappoint Laurens again, maybe he could make up for some of his previous actions by telling him, even if it meant sharing his vulnerable memories with someone else, opening his heart about something buried so deep in his mind, bringing it up would only mean tearing his carefully constructed walls of self-protection down, but if it would make John happy...

All those thoughts rushed through his mind in a matter of milliseconds, but nonetheless Laurens noticed his hesitation, lifted his head to face Alex, and quickly added:

„It's okay if you don't want, really, I didn't mean to stress you again!"

„I'm sorry.. I don't think I'm ready for that... It's no big deal, really, let's get back to the important stuff!"

And with that, Alex smirked and moved over to kiss John again, but his friend leaned back and stated:

„Don't even think you can convince me with that fake smile, I know you well enough by know, believe me. You don't have to make things up in order to please my desperate urge for you."

„That's not what I intended to do! If I wanna-"

„Do you want to kiss me right now?"

Alex stiffened, while he longed for Laurens' touch in general more than anything else, he couldn't bear kissing anybody right now, with the fading feeling of something down his throat, which still caused waves of nausea to roll over him. But still, reflexively, he wanted to convince John, not back down, but deep inside, he had to admit, his friend had a point, so he signed.

„Maybe just..cuddle?", he asked with a shy smile.

„Of course, sweetheart."

Gladly, Alex curled himself up into Laurens, who had laid himself back down on the bed. As the aide rested his head on John's chest, John had to think about the great trust Alex put into him, normally he would never back down, insisting on his opinion, building up these walls of stubbornness and anger. But around Laurens, he let down his guard, menatlly and physically, he curled into him vulnerably, letting his friend take care of him.

Laurens smiled to himself, how had he deserved such a precious? There was no place in the world which he would prefer to a bed, shared with his friend, entangled in a gentle but thight embrace.

The last thing he heard before he drifted off into sleep was Alex's deep and slow breath.

Phew, done.

Like I said earlier, I'm really looking forward to Reviews, no matter which opinion, as it was one of the first fics I wrote.

Thanks for reading, and have a nice day!