summary: there have been others and yet, simultaneously, there has only ever been him. —natsu&lucy

notes: four years later, the remake of my most popular fic.

"No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio

o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:

te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,

secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma."

—from Soneto XVII, Pablo Neruda

(I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as certain dark things are loved,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.)

—translated by Stephen Mitchell

It's a summer for anything to begin, something to end.

So on the last day of their final year in junior high, Natsu confesses to Lisanna and starts the vacation with his first girlfriend. Lucy is the first person he tells—he says as much when he climbs through her window that night. There is still something so soft in his maturing face, leftover remnants of a childhood that's fast-disappearing.

But when they're out on the balcony, he will point at that first star and make a wish with silent, moving lips, just as he has always done. Lucy teases and prods, what did you wish for.

"It won't come true if I tell you," he insists, cheeks a bruising red as she laughs.

(—but the way he stares at his wishing star, with a tight smile and tired eyes, she thinks she knows.

Natsu wants love that will last. He knows very well what happens when it doesn't.)

He still crawls through her window on the nights he can't sleep. They're not five anymore: he has to curl in on himself to fit on her cramped twin-sized bed, and even then.

The gap between them is small. When he lies down beside her, she hears the hitch in his breath that says, i was lonely without you.

"Natsu," she says, her voice sleep-heavy. "Natsu, you know you shouldn't do this anymore, right?"

He shakes his head.

"You're dating Lisanna now," she whispers, her eyes level with his chin. "There's stuff we can't do anymore."

Natsu's throat bobs, something so slight in the darkness of her room, but she sees the way he swallows back his fear, his apprehension. "I don't want things to change between us. I don't want things to change. Just because I'm with Lisanna, it doesn't mean things have to change between us."

Lucy nods, because she understands. It is the same kind of thing she thinks on the mornings she wakes up with his head under her chin. The thud in her heart that asks, what is it like to kiss natsu, is so very familiar these days. But the way they are now, the way they always have been, is comfortable, comforting.

Even if old days end and new ones begin, Natsu and Lucy will always continue where they left off.

"Loke likes you," says Levy, dragging her carrot through a dollop of ranch. Erza's eyes are wide, mouth full of bread and attention directed toward the front of the room, where the boy in question is laughing with his friends.

It's their first year of high school and Lucy's pencil is in the middle of a math problem. "Loke?"

"Loke Celeste," Erza answers so that Levy can finish her vegetables. "You know, he's on the baseball team with Natsu."

"Oh, yeah," Lucy replies lamely, "Right."

"Well?"

"What?"

Levy and Erza exchange a look. "What're you going to say when he asks you out?"

She bounces her leg and smiles faintly, averting her gaze to study Loke's profile. He's pretty, tall and confident, naturally flirty and charming. Resting her cheek against her palm, she says thoughtfully, "I guess I'll say yes. He's hot and nice."

Levy looks sick while Erza looks perplexed, mouth pinched and eyebrows drawn together. "But what about Natsu?"

"What do you mean?" She takes a bite of her sandwich, sighing. Ham and cheese. Natsu's favorite. It's the only thing his dad makes whenever he packs their lunches for them.

Her friends hesitate. "Don't you like him?"

(It's the slope of his nose when he sleeps beside her, the planes of his face cast in shadows as the sunlight streams through her window—but it's all something decidedly one-sided, and too different from what they have always known. This heat in her chest, that builds even when he's turned away and unaware, is transitory, soon to pass.

They're friends—and that's where the line is drawn.)

"What?" she laughs, incredulous, "Of course not."

Erza doesn't look convinced. Neither does Levy, for that matter, and she's always been the one who at least tries to pretend like she believes.

"The entire school thinks you two are dating," Levy prods.

"Well, we're not. He's dating Lisanna."

"I'm just saying," is the response, slightly discouraged, "there must be something everyone sees. Something you two don't see."

(Something in her nearly says, nearly confesses, but i do see.)

"We've been friends for ten years," Lucy reasons, "There's bound to be one or two misunderstandings."

"So," Erza says, twisting a lock of her hair behind her ear, "you'd really date Loke if he asked?"

"Yes? I don't see why not."

"And you think that's a good idea."

"Why wouldn't it be," she says, a little defensively.

"I don't know." Erza sits back in her seat, lips set into a curious, little frown. With an almost imperceptible shake of her head, she murmurs, "It's just that it's always been Natsu."

"Natsu's been here before," she tells Loke on their sixth date, a month after he officially asks her to be his girlfriend, "With Lisanna. He said the lasagna is nice."

The waiter arrives with their menus. Lucy thanks him before scanning the appetizers.

"I know," Loke replies politely, his hand reaching for a napkin, "You've told me."

"I have?"

She thinks his smile tightens.

"Yeah, you have," he's laughing, but nothing funny has been said. "You talk about Natsu a lot, actually."

"Oh." Her ice water has melted down. The condensation ring seeps into the corner of her napkin.

"It's okay," Loke reassures, "I know he's your best friend."

It's something he says, but it sounds more like a question, like an accusation.

Like something so barbed and bitter.

"I have a door, you know," Lucy deadpans as Natsu struggles to climb through her window. "It's a lot easier to use."

"Sometimes, the easy way isn't the right way," he replies sagely and she rolls her eyes.

She turns in her chair as he sprawls out on her bed. "Don't you have homework?"

"It's not due until Friday, so that gives me two days before I have to bullshit everything. Let me procrastinate in peace."

The music playing from her laptop is soft, turned down low. Downstairs, she can hear her dad singing as he prepares for dinner.

(It's these small things that Lucy knows Natsu loves: like how she sets her alarm clock to his favorite song because he sleeps over so often, like how her dad sings Frank Sinatra whenever he cooks meals, like how Lucy wears her fluffy, striped socks every Saturday morning during the winter. It's these small things that embed Natsu so deeply into her life, and in turn, embed her so deeply in his.)

"Lisanna already finished next week's homework," she notes, amused. "I guess opposites really do attract."

Natsu is silent for a while. Lucy considers continuing her essay.

But then he says, "I'm not so sure."

Furthermore, the novel explores the uncertainties of love—

"What?"

Natsu lies on her bed, arms raised above his head, reaching towards the ceiling. "Actually, we broke up."

The room holds its breath.

"What?" she echoes.

"Lisanna and I," he repeats slowly, "We broke up."

The song in the background ends, and her playlist recycles.

"What," Lucy backtracks, "What, why?"

A horrible thought comes to her. "When?"

(—yesterday, when he'd declined her offer to go out for ice cream?

Last week, when he had missed baseball practice for the first time since he'd started playing?

Last month?

How many things, just how many things, could Lucy might have overlooked?)

"Today," he answers, voice soft because he knows her and he knows what she's worried about. "We met up at the library for our study date and it just..." His laugh is weak, strained. "It just sort of happened."

Her knee bangs against the desk as she stands. "Sort of happened? Natsu, breakups don't just sort of happen."

"Well," he answers, defeated, "this one did."

"Who broke up with who." Her fists are clenched; she thinks she knows the answer.

He's quiet. "She said it was the right thing to do."

(The right thing to do.

what is the right thing to do, Lucy has thought, once every so often: eight years ago, when a mean little girl jumped the queue for lunch and called Levy ugly; five years ago, in the grocery store, when a boy her age pocketed a candy bar with furtive hands; two months ago, when Loke asked her to be his girlfriend and she hesitated.

But the right thing to do has never been, will never be, give up on natsu; let him go; hurt him and break his heart.

Lisanna is wrong, she believes so fervently.

lisanna is wrong because she's done something i would never do, she thinks subconsciously.)

"I don't know," his voice breaks, "Everything was fine—we were making plans for our anniversary, and then I fucked up."

Lucy leaves her desk and comes to the bed. She stands with her kneecaps pressed against the edge of the mattress. "No, you didn't. I'm sure you didn't."

Natsu shakes his head, covering his face with his hands. "I did. I know I did."

It's January, eight months since Lisanna and Natsu started dating—and Lucy had been so sure they would reach a year. "What happened?"

He lowers his arms. The expression on his face, it oddly reminds Lucy of how she felt one month ago, when Loke had looked her in the eye and said: "I know he's your best friend."

i've got you under my skin, her dad sings in the kitchen below, i've got you deep in the heart of me.

"It just wasn't working," settles Natsu, rolling onto his side and bringing his feet in so that he fits on her bed.

She doesn't know what to do: Natsu is on her bed, too big for the frame, and yet he seems so small. When she cards her fingers through his hair, he doesn't lean into her touch like he's always done.

Something has changed, she knows, something beyond Lisanna and Natsu.

And when he turns his head away from her hand, she knows, too, that something has changed between them.

(—so deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.)

"Natsu bought Lisanna a necklace for Valentine's Day," Loke comments offhandedly, "He showed it to Gray. It's really nice, really expensive."

Lucy prods at her salad and looks away from her phone.

"Sue," she corrects.

"Huh?"

Her fork spears through a piece of broccoli. "He and Lisanna broke up a while ago. He's dating Sue now."

Frowning, Loke looks down at his French fries. "I didn't know that." He lifts his head, "Why didn't you tell me they broke up?"

"I just thought," you wouldn't want to know, "that he would tell all the guys on the team."

There's a pause, too long to be innocuous.

Eventually, Loke nods and says, "Right. I see."

Two weeks later, Loke breaks up with her.

They fight over it.

Natsu is furious. He's incendiary, a short fuse ready to ignite all on his own. He calls Loke an asshole, a downright shithead—right to his face. It affects the baseball team, garners in animosity and awkward tension, and the coach keeps benching him because he just won't cooperate.

"You're not helping," Lucy snaps, shoving aside her homework in one sweep, "You're not helping me by acting this way! Why can't you just let it go?"

"He broke up with you over a text message! He's a fucking dick!"

"I told you that it's fine—"

"It's not fine!" Natsu yells, so loud that Happy, his Russian Blue who's rarely spooked by anything, scampers away. "Nothing about it is fucking fine! You dated for months and he ends it without even talking to you face-to-face? You should be—" He chokes on his words, "You should be fucking angry, you should have kicked his ass and told him to go to hell, you should have—"

"Don't tell me what I should have done!" she interrupts, frustrated. "Why the fuck are you so angry?"

"Because you deserve so much better than that!"

—oh. And there's something in his expression that speaks: of devotion and of conviction. Lucy blanks. Words and emotions and everything completely haywire.

"You deserve better," he repeats, but he's so shaky now. "You deserve everything and anything that makes you happy. And I'm so angry because you gave time to this guy and he ended it without even needing to see you."

Lucy shakes her head, hand to her mouth, holding back tears. "No, I...Natsu, that's not even fair. I never treated Loke right in the first place. He liked me and I hesitated. I didn't think—"

Natsu looks at her, right in the eyes, so exposed and vulnerable. And she caves.

"I didn't think I had the right to feel hurt."

"Lucy—" He pulls her into a hug, and she knows:

(1) she's going to cry,

(2) she's going to cry and Natsu is going to be there, beside her, like he always is,

(3) something has changed between them, again, and

(2) the thud in her heart is louder, clearer.

Lucy shuts her eyes and hugs him back.

"Your window of opportunity has reopened for another hour, at most."

It's the start of the winter term for their second year and Lucy pulls her sweater sleeves over her hands for warmth. "Excuse me?"

Gray falls into the seat in front of her, running a hand through his hair. He jerks a thumb toward the classroom door. "Yukino asked to talk to Natsu outside. Smelled like break up talks."

He sniffs the air to stress his point.

Gray Fullbuster is many things that the baseball team members are: a little serious, brash and hot-tempered with a dash of bravado thrown into the mix, popular and maybe a bit handsome. Lucy thinks it's the uniform.

He is also one of Natsu's closest friends, the only serious contender for the title of best friend—a title which Lucy alone holds.

"What, really?" she asks, knees hitting the underside of her desk. The room is busy with chatter, but she strains her ears, as if she can hear Yukino from her seat in the classroom.

"Yeah, so you have like, an hour."

Lucy turns, ponytail sweeping over her shoulder. Gray's eyes follow the movement, before they dart back to meet her gaze. "Until what?"

"Until he starts dating someone else."

She frowns. "Nobody gets a partner that quickly." Her frown deepens. "Also, Natsu and I are just friends."

He laughs, one corner of his mouth lifted, so smug, the way it always does.

"And you might be wrong. They might not even be broken up."

"Number one," replies Gray, confident, "it's Natsu. It took him one month after Lisanna to start dating Sue, two weeks after Sue for Kinana, and three days after Kinana for Yukino. People like him, Lucy. They give their hearts to him so easily it's practically a giveaway. And he's always willing to give them a chance, because he's a romantic or some shit like that."

Lucy opens her mouth to retort, only to be interrupted.

"Number two." He gives her a look. "I totally believe you, one hundred percent." He doesn't believe her, one hundred percent.

"Three," Gray snorts, leaning back in his chair like a prince, "It's definitely a break up, Heartfilia. Wanna bet?"

"Don't corrupt me with your vices," she says, lip curled.

He grins. "So. Are you going to ask him out?"

"Okay, I don't know how many times I have to tell you this until you understand," Lucy explains slowly, pulling at the end of her ponytail in annoyance. There's a light in his eyes, so delighted by her irritation, and she resists the urge to pinch him. "I'm not in love with Natsu."

(—he just has a place under my skin, deep in my heart, a part of me.)

And strangely, Gray searches her face, smile a little less cocky. More genuine. "If you say so."

And his response, too, is strange.

Natsu and Yukino really do break up that day.

"Gray is interested in you."

Lucy nearly coughs out a mouthful of apple juice.

Horrified, she twists around from her seat on the couch as Natsu approaches from his kitchen, twisting the cap off a bottle of water. Happy lingers around his feet, purr low and content. "That's not funny."

He laughs, a loud burst of amusement. "Well, good, 'cause it wasn't a joke."

Setting down her glass, Lucy shakes her head vigorously, hands flailing. "There's just no way, like—Juvia likes him. He just likes to be annoying."

"Yeah, he sucks ass at flirting."

"He's not flirting with me!"

Natsu nearly laughs again, but stops at the terrible glare on her face. He tries to appease her by nudging a bag of chips her way (her favorite, the ones he buys just for her because she comes over so often). "Look, all I know is that he keeps asking me about Loke and Sting and all your fuckboys—"

"Oh my god, stop calling my ex-boyfriends fuckboys—"

"So all I can think is that he's interested in you."

Lucy flushes, heart a little racecar in her chest. Gray—funny, popular, and pretty Gray—interested in her. Interested.

She burns.

"I think he's a good fit for you," Natsu adds, settling into the armchair with Happy in his arms.

"Really?"

He gives her a funny, lopsided smile, the shy one he offers when he's sincere. "He'd make you happy."

Their third year of high school is a little piece of chaos.

Lucy applies for a university in the city—because that's just the way she is. And naturally, of course, Natsu applies for the same school.

(They didn't plan for it to be this way. They'd planned, of course, to be in the same city, to be close to one another, but they had never considered that their first choice would be the same.

It's pizza night at Lucy's house and her dad says, "I don't know how we're going to move all your stuff into U. of. T. without a van."

Natsu lifts his head, surprised, mouth covered in crumbs. "You're going to U. of T.?"

"Oh, yeah," she replies, "I meant to tell you."

Seemingly confused, he points at himself, brow furrowed. "But I'm going to U. of T."

Lucy stares. "You're kidding."

Her dad laughs. "God, I swear you two are going to end up being stuck with one another for the rest of your lives." )

They need the noise and the bustle, something bigger than their nice, small town in the countryside. It's all open air and open space, but all roads lead back and everyone knows each other. Natsu and Lucy, they need something to change.

That's not the case for Gray.

"I like it here," he explains, shrugging. "I don't really want to move somewhere else. For now, anyways."

"You're going to miss me," Lucy warns, teasingly, and her boyfriend laughs. "You're going to call me every day and you're going to miss me."

Gray gives her a fond look, soft and candid and full of affection. Even after all this time, she's not used to the way he looks at her. "I will miss you."

She flushes.

"Cut that shit out," Natsu groans, throwing down his sandwich, "I'm right here. You're making me lose my appetite."

They roll their eyes at him. "Don't you have anyone else to sit with?"

"That is so fucking rude," he huffs, "I'm the one who got you two together and yet all I've received in return is ingratitude and disrespect."

Gray snickers, flicking a stray bread crumb at his friend. "You're just a bitter single."

"I'm not single. I'm dating Cana."

"He's just here because he likes to annoy us," Lucy affirms, grinning when Natsu pouts.

"Cana?" Gray's eyebrows shoot upward in surprise. "As in, Cana Alberona?" He doesn't wait for confirmation before interjecting, "Dude, she's going to Spain for college."

"I know," Natsu nods, speaking around a bite of his sandwich, "Cool, huh?"

"That's not what I meant, you dumbass. Are you even sure you can handle a long distance relationship?"

He frowns, and Lucy can tell he's slightly miffed. "Why wouldn't I be able to? You and Lucy are going to be in one."

"That's different," Gray insists, shaking his head, "If I want to see Lucy, all I have to do is take the train. You and Cana can't just book a plane whenever you want to see each other face-to-face. When did you even start dating?"

"Two weeks ago."

Lucy knows that it was actually less than a week ago, but she stays silent.

Still, Gray's lips are pursed. "I'm sorry, but I have to be completely honest with you, Natsu. I don't think you two are going to last."

(—and there are stars in Natsu's eyes, threatening to spill over.

Here they are again, Lucy thinks, on her balcony, sending wishes to the skies. There's hope, so fiery and astral, burnt into Natsu's soul. No matter how many times he's knocked down, he keeps wishing.

natsu wants love that will last, she remembers thinking four years ago. And this Natsu, older and slightly jaded, still wants. With his heart and his bones and his whole being, he wants.)

"You don't know that," she says so fast that Natsu hasn't even opened his mouth to retort. Gray looks at her in surprise, watches the defiant tilt of her chin and the fire in her eyes. "Apologize."

For a moment, it seems like Gray's going to protest, going to fight, but abruptly, something settles in his face.

(It reminds Lucy of Loke: the way he said, "I know he's your best friend.")

"Sorry," he says, awkwardly, "I'm just worried for you."

Natsu nods and smiles, ever forgiving—but he also puts down his sandwich and leaves it unfinished.

Lucy's new college friends are impressed by her long-distance relationship with Gray.

("I could never do it," says Angel. "Living so far away from each other. I'd be so lonely.")

But honestly, it's not as difficult as they make it out to be.

She misses him, of course, but Gray is really only ever a phone call away. They video chat every morning, every night, and they text each other snippets about their day. And even without all that, she's busy with classes, with homework and exams, with clubs and making new friends, and if it's not any of those things, Lucy has Natsu for movie marathons and Saturday night outings to the local ice cream shop. Her life is full.

So, yes, of course she misses Gray, but she never feels lonely.

"You're studying abroad this summer?"

It's a Friday afternoon, an end to a hellish week of essays and exams, and Lucy feels sick. Across the table, Natsu spears a piece of orange chicken and shakes his head, "It's just an idea for now. I'm still talking it through with my academic adviser."

The restaurant suddenly seems too loud.

She sets down her chopsticks. "Where?"

"The States," Natsu looks dreamy, "It'd be good for my major."

"America?" She can't stop speaking in questions.

He frowns, noticing the unnatural pitch of her voice. "What's wrong?"

this is important to him; she knows Natsu has always been that type, so bold and fiery that he'd pursue his passions to the other side of the world. But back in their little town with the fields and the bike rides to school, Natsu speaking English in a different country with different friends and a foreign routine had been a daydream, a passing thought.

In the city, that kind of thing is not so ephemeral.

Lucy swallows with some difficulty. "Nothing. It's just that we've never been separated before."

"You spent the first four years of your life without me," he reminds, his smile small and unsure, "This'll only be two or three months. If I go."

when you go.

"That was before I knew you," she tries to say it jokingly, "You can't miss someone you've never met."

There's a beat, so short and so noticeable. "I'll call every day."

"You can't. Time zones, remember?"

"Then I'll text you! You text Gray all the time whenever he's busy. I'll spam the shit out of your phone."

Lucy smiles, picking up her chopsticks and stirring her noodles.

It won't be the same:

the slope of his nose when he sleeps on her couch, the planes of his face cast in shadows as the sunlight streams through the apartment window.

There is something about having Natsu near, having Natsu there, even when they're each holed up in their own respective apartments. It's the knowledge that he's a few doors down or a street away and it's his voice filtering through the awful static on her phone even though he's on his way over to her place.

but this is important to him.

"I can't wait," she laughs and his face relaxes.

Her heart is loud.

Habituation: (noun) the process of becoming accustomed to something.

When someone is always by your side, you never expect them to be anywhere else.

Summer vacation is empty.

Natsu doesn't send selfies like Gray does. Instead, there are photos of high-rise buildings and wide streets, large parking lots and spacious highways, with the occasional glimpse of a thumb in the corner or the caption, "Holy crap."

Lucy wonders if he looks different.

She has known Natsu in many places: on her balcony, highlighted by the moon; in the classroom, half-asleep with his chin against his palm; under the canopy of local supermarkets, sheltered from the rain. But the Natsu who speaks English, who attends an American university with friends she doesn't know, who sleeps in an apartment across the world, in a completely different timezone, a different place, somewhere so different it's like he never grew up a beside her—that is a Natsu she has never seen.

(That is a Natsu she has never known.)

Natsu comes home at the end of three months, just in time for the start of their second year, and there's a welcome reappearance of things Lucy never noticed before.

First: there's cat hair everywhere in her apartment again. Natsu pets just about every cat he comes across in the city, and the proof is all over his jackets, his shirts, and his jeans. In turn, he sheds this fur on her couch, her bed, her carpet, and every nook and cranny the vacuum can't reach. But Lucy finds that she doesn't mind so much anymore, not when Natsu happily shows her the cat pictures he took with his phone. The way he talks, so animated and free, makes her feel safe, like everything will be okay.

Secondly: Lucy, she's organized and clean; she likes things in their places and in their certain way. But Natsu—he folds his shirts differently, and folds his blankets without matching the corners. When he writes dates on the calendar, he writes in red, even though it clashes with the colors she writes in (and his handwriting is annoyingly neater and prettier than hers). During the summer, her apartment had been something like Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, but now, it is something more like Lucy, Natsu, Lucy, Natsu, Lucy and Natsu.

Third: Natsu is paint stains on clothes, sticky notes littered over a desktop, pen marks on hands; he is the living embodiment of psychology's flow, of someone so immersed in what they love that they are knowledgeable even when they come across as scatterbrained. So when he works in Lucy's apartment, quiet and serious and constantly moving between books and things and notes, he is something like art. It's the small things: how he sits when he thinks, how he mouths words, how he taps his fingers and shakes his leg when he's been still too long.

How he turns to her sometimes, with a quick glance, and a small smile (very faint, but there; it's there).

It's the small things Lucy never noticed before.

And it's the small things she welcomes back (with her heart so loud in her chest).

Then, after nineteen years, two months, one week, and three days, Lucy realizes—

(Once, in high school, before Loke and Sting and Hibiki and Gray, Levy had told her, "You know what I think?"

"What?" she'd replied, through a mouthful of rice and sausages.

"I think you and Natsu could make it work, I think two could be real." And Levy's eyes had been a lot like the tail-end of holidays, when the decorations are taken down and there are no more holidays to come—a little wistful. "But nothing is going to ever happen if you don't do anything.")

—and she decides to do something.

Lucy likes Gray.

The sound of his voice over the phone, how he laughs into his shoulder, his poise and cool confidence, how gently he talks when he calls her, the feel of his hands skimming her waist, how he looks in the moonlight—she likes it all.

But she doesn't like him like this: i'd like your horrible morning breath and late-night yawns; your clothes mixed up with mine in the laundry hampers; your handwriting all over our calendars and notepads and sticky notes; your homework and essays scattered all over the couch during exam week; your terrible renditions of sinatra every saturday over breakfast; your smile and laugh, so bright like the sun; and i'd like to bring you bits and pieces of happiness, the way you do for me.

i'd like to believe in forever when i am with you.

Those parts of her, those likes and wishes, are reserved for someone else.

So Lucy likes Gray, but she decides to break up with him.

He isn't mad; he doesn't leave her in the cafe with a bitter taste in her mouth.

Instead, he smiles, soft and sorrowful, a knowing look in his eyes. "It's Natsu, isn't it?"

(Four years ago, her first boyfriend, Loke Celeste, broke up with her through a text, short and blunt: "We're over."

But two days later, he'd added: "It'll always be Natsu. No matter who or what you get caught up in, it'll always be Natsu who you'll come back to no matter what. You talk about him in a way people dream of being talked about.")

She nods. There's a whole speech stuck in her throat, a sentimental apology, but all she manages is: "It's always been Natsu."

When they leave the cafe, Gray turns to her, just for a moment before they part, and says, "It's the same for him, you know. It'll always be you."

"Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,

te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:

así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera..."

—from Soneto XVII, Pablo Neruda

(I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you simply, without problems or pride:

I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving...)

—translated by Stephen Mitchell

The world does not crumble around her, does not flip upside-down and throw her off-balance. She is not afraid of change, or of loss.

what is it like to kiss natsu and etcetera—these are things she has already wondered.

For years, it's been the slope of his nose when he sleeps anywhere, the planes of his face cast in shadows as the sunlight streams through a window.

This heat in her chest, that builds and builds and builds, is loud, under her skin and deep in her heart, a part of her.

And she knows what it is now: it's something with a name.

It's a winter for anything to begin, something to end.

So on a rainy Saturday morning, Lucy turns down the radio in the kitchen and asks Natsu, "Why did you and Lisanna break up?"

He's on his fourth pancake, chewing with the speed of a bear just out of hibernation, and Lucy thinks she's being a tad too cruel when he coughs and splutters.

"Excuse me?"

She raises her eyebrows, pushing the last morsel of her breakfast through a pool of maple syrup.

Perplexed, Natsu sets down his fork. "That happened years ago." He doesn't meet her eyes. "Why are you bringing it up all of a sudden?"

Lucy looks down, at her plate and hands, anywhere but across the table. "You never told me the reason."

He stays silent for a long time.

And then, in a voice so hard and firm, he responds, "Well, you never told me why you broke up with Gray, either."

Her eyes snap up. "That's different."

Natsu stares at her.

And then, in a voice so soft and yielding, he replies, "Is it?"

(rewind:

They'd been the smell of old books, and the sound of pencils across paper, the smell of summer just around the corner, and the distant din of students going home. When he thinks about the afternoon sunlight against the curve of someone's cheek, and the soft rustle of gently turned textbook pages, he remembers Lisanna and their library, their study dates, their kisses between math problems.

It was their first year of high school, four months before their first anniversary, and Lisanna and Natsu broke up.

"It's the right thing to do," she'd said, packing her things into her backpack.

He hadn't understood.

He hadn't understood much then—mostly Lucy, and how she sounded when she laughed, or how she looked with her hair tucked behind her ear, and the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn't paying attention. He hadn't understood.

or he did, and he denied.

"What makes you say that?" There'd been an ocean in his chest, rising and rising and rising so high. Vast and empty and lonely.

Lisanna smiled, a small thing, so hidden in the fine lines of her face. "When you talk about us, about planning our anniversaries and all those things in the future, you always talk about Lucy. It comes naturally to you, thinking about being together with her."

You talk about her in a way people dream of being talked about.)

"Do you think we'd be a good couple?" Lucy asks, resting her head against his shoulder. Her eyes, limbs, everything is heavy. It's the end of finals week and Natsu and Lucy, they're figuring things out.

"Everyone seems to think so. They're thought so for years."

"I didn't ask about what everyone thinks." She waits a second or two. "I asked about what you think."

It's the end of finals week: it's the end of a string of all-nighters, open books, and coffee runs, and Natsu is tired, limbless, a bit honeyed and slow. But he takes her question seriously, so seriously, eyes sharp and focused.

"You and me, we've always been good together. It's just how we work, but." He bites his lip. "But to be honest, I don't know if we'd be good together."

She takes his hand, a movement so gentle and sure.

"There are a lot of things I don't know," he admits, nervous, "But I do know that I want to try. If it's with you, I want to try."

It's the end of finals week, and the radio in the kitchen is a soft babble of old-time music, the spaghetti on the coffee table is cold, and the late night television drama is horribly cliché. And it all feels so terribly nice, so awfully comforting.

"You make me happy, really happy," he pauses, suddenly uncertain. Natsu shifts, accidentally dislodging her from his shoulder. "Do I make you happy?"

Lucy sits up, pliant and soft. Delicately, she laces their fingers together and her voice is quiet (and there's something that speaks of conviction and of devotion): "Really happy."

His eyes are melting, warm, all for her. And the thing is this: this is the way they have always been, so wrapped up in each other, but there's something different, too. Something that's there that was absent before, something that appeared on nights of i don't want things to change between us, just because i'm with lisanna doesn't mean things have to change between us and what is it like to kiss natsu, but was left unsaid.

When Natsu confesses, "I think I've liked you for a long time," that something finally has a name.

And when Lucy says back, "Me too," that something has a name

—and it settles; it stays.

"...sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,

tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,

tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño."

—from Soneto XVII, Pablo Neruda

(...but this, in which there is no I or you,

so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,

so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.)

—translated by Stephen Mitchell

some ending notes: school system modeled after that of Japan's, but I definitely botched some details about the start/end of terms; U. of T. does not stand for Uni of Tokyo, the name I used is just supposed to be random and vague; also, sorry if this wasn't clear, but Lucy started living in a small apartment by herself in the city after moving out for university (Natsu has his own apartment, but he spends more time at hers); and finally, regrettably, I didn't use the second stanza of Pablo Neruda's Sonnet 17 when writing this fic, since it wouldn't fit anywhere without seeming too awkward or excessive.

more: for readers of the original fic—even though I said this was a 'remake' of TUCL, it really should be looked at as its own entity. What happened in this one-shot shouldn't negate what happened in the original, and vice versa.

also, p.s.: it's been quite a while since I left the Fairy Tail fandom, so all my knowledge about the characters is limited to the manga/ anime as it was two to three years ago. So if you're wondering why I brought up characters who are either really unimportant/ obscure, or long forgotten in a very old arc, that's why.

yeah, there's more notes: This will be the last thing I ever post on FFN. All my stories are discontinued; unfinished fics will remain unfinished indefinitely. I'm really, very, truly sorry to all of my followers and readers. A long time ago, I promised I would finish all of my stories, but I no longer have the time to prioritize fic-writing anymore. What's more, I was a different person with different values when I first started my stories here, so I no longer feel comfortable with finishing them.

I'm sorry if this one-shot wasn't what you wanted (I'm sure most of you wanted an actual ending to the original story), but I did try my absolute best to write this little piece so I could be at least somewhat proud of it. Even though the time skips and weirdly-paced ending might suggest otherwise, it's something that came about after months of editing and rewriting, so I sincerely hope you enjoyed it.

Once again, I'm sorry. I appreciate every single one of you for reading; I have read every single comment that was ever posted on any of my stories—and I appreciate the well wishes you have sent me. Thank you.

that being said: I'd really appreciate it if all my stories remain unfinished. This means that I do not want anyone to adopt my stories and continue them. Don't repost my stories, don't plagiarize. I'm just asking for respect. Also, if I ever delete anything from here, I'd appreciate it if it doesn't show up on other fanfiction sites. The only website I have ever published Fairy Tail fics on is this one, and despite my inactivity, I always know when my stories end up appearing on other sites. So don't do it. Seriously. Please don't be that person who I have to message to take reposts down.

if you've never even read any of my old works before, I'm sorry you had to get through this ridiculously long author's note.