Fate/Two Bros

"Josh, where are we?" the cooler brother said. He looked around to see a misty temple, straight out of a kung fu movie with samurai!

"I don't know," Josh, the less cool one, said, "But I do know we're now masters in the Fuyuki Holy Grail War."

"Huh," Drake said.

The two brothers looked at each other and groaned, "Megan."

"So," the tall, blue Irish guy said, "I'm Lancer. And I guess I'm your servant," he pointed at Josh.

"That's cool," Josh tried to be calm. Or at least as calm as he could be after Lancer stabbed a giant hulking behemoth in the chest, then watched as said behemoth spray blood all over his face. Then the behemoth came back to life and tried to kill them. If it wasn't for the exploding purple magic, they'd both be dead.

Also, the little girl controlling the monster gave Josh flashbacks to Megan.

Speaking of which, where was she?

"Drake?" he turned around. He was nowhere to be found.

"Drake? Drake!" Josh screamed at the top of his lungs, frantically waving his hands like an anxious bear.

"He's over there," Lancer pointed at the temple.

"Drake!" Josh ran screaming like a banshee.

Lancer sighed.

"So, we have tattoos now?" Drake looked at the strange red marks on the back of his hand.

"Oh," Josh groaned, "We're going to be in so much trouble when mom finds out about these."

"So, I'm your master," Drake gave off his most charismatic smile as he looked at the cloaked woman, "What's your name?"

"Caster. Call me Caster."

"Cool, Caster. Caster. I'm Drake. So, want to go see a movie? I hear they got great monster movies in China."

"This is Japan."

"Right. So movie?" he gave a genuine smile.

Caster looked at him. She saw something different in him. It was a good different.

"Sure."

And that's how Drake saved dozens of lives by watching movies. He didn't understand any of them, but he was too busy feeding popcorn into Caster's mouth.

"Aaahhh!" Josh ran, dodging what appeared to be really, really scary chains as a purple haired woman on a pegasus chased him down. He just happened to pass by a blue haired teen when this all happened.

"Lancer! Help!"

"On it," Lancer appeared next to Josh and threw his spear, "Gae Bolg!"

And that's how Rider lost her flying horse in the first few hours of the Holy Grail War.

"Gah!" Josh looked at his bleeding shoulder. Lance looked at it before pulling out some bandages.

"Sit still, master," he expertly wrapped Josh's wound, "Just our luck, getting caught between Rider, Berserker, and Archer."

"Why is everything exploding?" he whimpered as he heard another boom.

Lancer shrugged, "It comes with a war."

Drake and Caster were out on the town, looking at all the shops. Eventually, Caster stopped when they looked at souvenir store.

She looked at a map and sighed. Drake looked up from a wacky trinket that snapped at his nose, "What's wrong?"

Caster shook her head, "Nothing. Just feeling somewhat homesick."

He smiled at her, "I know the feeling. Well sort of. I once got with this cute girl who was from a country I can't remember," he shrugged, "She was homesick, so we made our home like her home," he frowned, "We mixed some words up in the translation, and I accidentally became her husband. We tried everything to get out of it, since you know, I only knew her for a couple days and it completely by accident."

"Oh? Was she not up to your standards?" Medea raised an eyebrow under her hood.

"She was. It just, well, I wasn't ready for getting married. Like, at all."

"What happened to her?"

"Fed her family goat. It's their super sacred animal, so they hated me instantly. Marriage was over. Funny thing was I had just found out she was a billionaire, so yeah, that happened."

"So? What was the point of this story?"

"Well, I think if you're homesick we should go do things that are like home. We are you from?"

"Greece. I'm Greek."

"Like the yogurt!" he said, "I think there might be a yogurt place somewhere."

"That's not-" she stopped as he began walking out of the store. Well, this could be interesting, at the least.

"Lancer!" Josh yelled out, ducking from a Noble Phantasm launched at him. It missed, lodging itself in a tree, which promptly exploded.

"Huh. I guess the Archer class really is made up of archers," Lancer said as got close to Josh, "Any ideas?"

Josh sputtered, "He's launching swords at us! Swords that go boom! What is even happening!?" he grabbed his head.

Lancer patted him on the shoulder, "Don't worry kid, I got this," he brought out the tip of his spear and charged at Archer.

"So, another loser joins the Grail War. This is the luckiest assortment of enemies I think I'll ever have," Shinji Matou grinned as he stood next to Rider. She was standing up as well, "I didn't forget what you did to my servant's mount. And neither does she. Rider, you know what to do."

"Eep!" Josh shot up and ran, Rider's chained weapon missing him by mere inches.

Shinji was cackling now, until another voice yelled out.

"Shinji!" the voice came from Shirou Emiya, "Saber, stop Rider, Imma gonna punch Shinji for this!"

"Right!" Saber rushed forward and struck Rider.

At the same time, Lancer was having a blast against Archer. Josh was still running.

"Well I guess no one sells Greek yogurt in China."

"Japan."

"Right."

"It's fine. I do have an alternative though."

"Oh?" Drake gave her a smile.

She smiled as well, then dove in for a kiss.

Josh heaved as he stayed next to a brick wall. So Berserker returned, so Archer, Lancer, and Saber teamed up to take him down. Now all that was left was a sniffling little girl who was now clinging to him.

Never mind the fact that she just tried to kill him. For all he knew, she was just a thousand times worse than Megan.

Rider and Shinji left, and now Josh had to work with all the other masters and servants. Apparently, this little girl was Shirou's adoptive sister. Now he was going to have to explain this in a way that didn't sound like a trap or evil scheme. Because Josh actually believed the girl.

Any girl this evil had to be someone's little sister.

He looked at Saber and Shirou, "Hello," he gave them a short wave.

They nodded at him.

He was stuck. What could he possibly say now?

"So. Seen any good movies lately?"

Lancer facepalmed.

The next day, Lancer, Archer, Saber, and their masters, along with Ilya, were all sitting down in the Emiya residence. Suffice to say, Fujimura was frothing at the mouth.

"This isn't a boarding house!" she fumed at them, especially Shirou, "And what's this about a younger sister! How in the hell did Kiritsugu have a kid I didn't even know about!"

Josh just stood there next to Lancer. He felt like he should explain it to her as well, but considering how long it took him to explain things to Shirou, it was probably going to be a losing battle.

"So, the six of us could join forces and defeat Rider, how 'bout it?" Shirou held a fist out.

Everyone else agreed. They began going over plans when the door opened and in came Drake and Caster.

"There he is! Hey Josh you won't believe the cool magic Caster can do, there was this weird kid who tried attacking her, but then she blasted her with these shiny purple balls, it was really cool!"

At the praise, Caster blushed slightly, "Thank you Master."

"And the kid?" Shirou frowned.

"I think he's at the hospital now. Although we also shot up this crazy woman with these chains and an eye mask. She disappeared in a weird glow after Caster hit her enough times."

Everyone at the table blinked. Well then.

"So what do we do now?" Shirou asked, "No one else here wants the Holy Grail, and we're all that remains of the masters. Do we just call it a draw?"

"Well-" Rin began, then the phone rang. She picked it up and said, "That was Kirei. He says we should meet him at Ryuudou temple. All of us."

Everyone else shrugged.

As they walked up the temple, they noticed something.

A moment later, Archer and Saber were stabbed multiple times in the chest by errant flying swords.

Lancer and Caster rushed into the temple, with their masters in tow. Drake and Josh looked up to see a blonde grinning man, surrounded by dozens of glowing yellow portals. Next to him sat a very familiar face, "What's up, boobs!"

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Author's Note: Written in less than an hour, no editing, and based entirely on a single meme.