Trigger warning: self harm (cutting). If this triggers you, please, please don't read!

Come to me, Magnus had said. When you feel like cutting, please come talk to me baby. You don't have to be alone. You can talk to me, I'll listen to anything you need to talk about, or I can distract you, hold you, anything. I'll always be here for you, darling.

Except that Magnus wasn't here now. He would never be here again. Alec was alone. He traced an old scar along the side of his thigh with the cold tip of his blade. A thousand unwanted emotions and feelings were bubbling at the surface of his mind- anger, bitterness, despair, loneliness- and he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't know how to handle everything. He needed his escape.

Once upon a time, Magnus became his escape. He had turned to his lover for help instead of turning to his blades, for a while. But Magnus was gone now, and he wasn't coming back. Alec had driven him away, and he wished he could take everything back, but he couldn't, he couldn't, and it was tearing him apart every second of every day.

Isabelle and Jace couldn't know he cut. It would hurt them, and they were all he had left in this world. He had to keep this inside, he had to keep everything to himself, and that was what was slowly killing him inside, slowly pushing him over the edge. What other choice did he have? He needed to do this, he needed to feel the coldness of the metal blade sliding over his skin, splitting it into two. He needed it. Overthinking was his worst enemy, and if he wasn't careful overthinking would kill him.

He glanced towards his bedroom door, checking for the hundredth time that it was closed and locked. He couldn't risk anyone catching him. Not that anyone would want to stop you anyway, he thought bitterly, and dragged the blade over his skin quickly as a sudden burst of self hate surged through him. Hate overtook him, and he gritted his teeth as the blade dug into his skin just a little.

For a moment he felt a sharp pain and he barely even flinched, used to it by now, but it soon faded into a dull ache. He swiped the blade across again, and then again. He glanced at his door again, knowing that no one could get in but needing to reassure himself it was still closed anyway.

His siblings couldn't find out. He had to stay strong- or at least, he had to keep appearing strong. Izzy and Jace needed him to be okay. He needed to be there for them. They couldn't see how weak he really was.

He was useless. He cut again.

He was disgusting. He wasn't beautiful like Magnus, or any of the many people Magnus had undoubtedly dated. He added a second cut.

He was a shitty brother. He couldn't protect his siblings. Max died because of him. He wasn't there to help him. A sob choked it's way through his throat as he cut once more. He couldn't do anything right. Another cut.

A loud sound startled him out of his thoughts, causing his arm to jerk and cut deeper than he meant to, and he realized someone was knocking on his door. He cursed as he dropped the blade, eyes wandering around his room in search of the blade and tissues or something to clean the blood. There wasn't a lot, but he wasn't used to cutting deep. He could never make himself do it. His cuts were too shallow, even they weren't good enough. He bit his lip.

The person knocked again. "Alec?" Isabelle sounded worried. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry, you just startled me," Alec called out as his eyes caught the blade and he snatched it up, shoving it under his pillow. "What do you need?"

"Food's ready. And no, I didn't cook it." Isabelle sounded reproachful. "So don't worry, it's not poisoned or anything, we just ordered Taki's. Are you coming down? And why is your door locked? Why aren't you opening the door?"

"Actually Iz, I'm super tired. Training's been taking a lot out of me recently, I've been working harder," he said, which was true. "I think I'm gonna go to bed now, I need to catch up on sleep."

There was the lie. He had no intention of going to bed. Not yet. He skipped over her last two questions and hoped she wouldn't notice.

"Oh, okay. Get some rest, big brother. You're too hard on yourself, stop working so much." Alec could practically see the disapproving expression on her face. "I'll save you some chicken. Love you."

He dried the blood off his thigh with a tissue. "Thanks Iz, love you too."

He waited until her footsteps faded to pick his blade back up, mentally breathing a sigh of relief. Unwanted thoughts started to creep back into his mind. He ruined everything in his life. He lost Magnus, his little brother was dead, and he was pushing people away more than usual. He didn't mean to- he just did it unconsciously.

Without thinking he slid the blade across again, feeling the familiar urge to watch new cuts form, tiny drops of blood appearing one after another in straight lines. He liked the blood, liked the scars. He deserved them anyway. He needed to cut. His emotions would become too much if he didn't.

He took a deep breath and before he could cut again his phone went off. He picked it up to find a text from Magnus and his heart skipped a beat. Why the hell was Magnus texting him? He hadn't said a word in weeks. He hadn't acknowledge Alec's presence once since the breakup. But as he read the first message the love of his life had sent him in ages, he felt his heart crumbling.

Please stop texting me. Stop calling. Stop leaving letters. I don't want to talk to you. I'm sorry, but we're not dating anymore, it's over- stay away from me.

Tears threatened to fall, and he blinked them away rapidly. You pathetic unwanted loser, he thought, and his tears spilled over. "I fucking deserve this," he whispered savagely, "I fucking deserve to hurt and feel the pain."

There wasn't anyone left to stop him, anyone left to care, anyone to know. No one would understand. Magnus had been the last person to be there for Alec, and now he had nothing left. So what was the fucking point of even trying? He deserved to cut, and he knew it, and he just didn't fucking give a damn. Not anymore.

Thanks for reading! Please drop some comments if you have time, I always appreciate them.

I love you all (and if anyone ever needs to talk about anything at all I'm always here).

~Linds.