Wounds Fade but Scars Don't

A Shadowhunters imagine

Disclaimer: I don't own Shadowhunters and if I did I would be on it.

Warning: Mentions of negative feelings, eating disorders, and self-harm.

Authors note: So I love this show a lot and I have wanted to write something meaningful but also incredibly dramatic. So this is what I came up with. I plan to do a few different versions of this story but if you like one of the ones I write by all means review and let me know and I will gladly write another chapter. Alright, that's all friends.

Let the story begin…

You laughed as you walked down the streets with your friends. Jace having said something funny that you couldn't help but laugh at. The group of you had just finished a mission up after having been looking into it for a little while deeming that it was necessary to have Simon and Magnus by your side as well. The lot of you walked into the dimly lit club. You watched happily as Magnus and Alec sat together, Clary and Alec, doing the same, while also noting the looks that were passed between Simon and Izzy. The two of them just weren't quite ready to go public but you were sure something was going on. Not to mention that both Izzy and Simon are blabbermouths so both have confided in you about the whole thing. Both quickly blushing seeing the smirk you threw their way.

There was laughter all around as everyone talked. You were actually having a really good time. Just as you almost always did when with your friends. You had just been listening to Magnus tell some story about a horrible spell gone wrong when it just occurred to you…you were alone. It was just a thought, an incredibly small thought. One that shouldn't bother you, that shouldn't matter, but it did. And once it had been planted into your mind there was no getting it out. Which meant that the rest of the wait to order you watched as each pair talked, paying special attention to the person they were connected to. The slight shift of an arm over Clary's shoulder. The bump of an arm as Magnus made some personal joke towards Alec, leaning on him affectionately. Simon slyly running his fingers over Izzy's hand.

You paid attention to all of these once meaningless details that now meant so much to you. And it was all your brain could process. You were shaken out of your thoughts as Izzy nudged you playfully causing you to focus back in on your surroundings. All of your friends were watching you with amused glances as you realized it was your turn to order. "Oh sorry! I'll just have a water with fish" Everyone looked at your confused.

"What are you talking about! We're here to celebrate, that means drinking or at least having something with slight grease on it." Jace spoke up not having you on your little health streak. You smiled at his determination and quickly gave in changing your order to fries and a coke instead. This allowed for a small applause from your group to which you confidently took.

"No I'm not kidding! There was this girl who used to pick on me and Simon shoved her into the mud because she made me cry. You know how horrible that looked for a little boy to shove a girl into the mud! I felt so bad when he got sent to the office." Simon hid his face in his hands while Izzy patted his back sympathetically. You all were cracking up but for you the laugh became forced seeing her hand squeeze his shoulder. You wandered how long until you truly had no one. Stupid thoughts! You shook your head trying to rid yourself of the negativity, determined to enjoy your night.

'Why bother? They're all going to eventually see that you're just keeping them all from enjoying themselves. Your dead weight.'

You gripped your fork tightly to keep from physically having to get up and walk it off. In your other hand you clenched your fist hoping one of the two coping strategies would work.

'You should have stayed back after the mission was done. You're just making them feel sorry for you.'

You clenched your fist tighter.

'That's not true. They're my friends and they love me.

'Keep telling yourself that.'

You were nudged again thankfully successfully pulling you out of your own thoughts. "Hmm?" You looked up to once again see the whole group staring at you. You turned around seeing it was most definitely you they were staring at. "What? Do I have ketchup on my face?" You grabbed your napkin to wipe your mouth.

"You spaced. We've been trying to get your attention for two minutes now. You looked agitated, are you okay?" It was Alec who responded to you in his kind caring way that you knew you didn't really deserve. You smiled as sweetly as you could muster.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Guess I'm just tired from the mission." You said shrugging before popping another fry into your mouth….man you wondered how many calories were in these. You had been doing well the last few months, training harder, working harder, losing that extra fat that was making you slower than Alec, Jace, or Izzy. You remembered your mom's words. 'If you're not careful they won't send you on anymore missions.' Very soon after that comment your mother had gone back to Idris. Those words being your parting ones. You were very determined to prove her wrong. The fry in your mouth suddenly didn't seem too tasty anymore.

You smiled as the dancing part of the night began. It had begun as a huge group led by Magnus but once Jace had split off with Clary the whole group began to disperse. Leaving you actually alone for the first time that night. Making every thought in your head suddenly even truer. You looked around trying to find a dance partner but to no avail. Leaving you sitting at the table hoping you looked noticeable enough for someone to ask you to dance. You know, how you always saw in the movies. Some guy would ask you to dance and then from there on it would be love all the way around. You rolled your eyes at your own pathetic desperation. Realizing after twenty minutes that your life was no movie.

Alec and Magnus saw you and tried to wave you over but you waved them off knowing they were only being polite and felt sorry for you. You pretended to enjoy your drink and quietly kept out of everyone's hair. Finally the group came back together. You listened to many more stories finding you really didn't have much to say anymore.

Once the group headed back to the institution bidding a farewell to Alec and Magnus plus Simon. You headed to your room giving a quiet goodnight to Izzy, Jace, and Clary. You closed your door quietly really just wanting to completely disappear for the time being. You knew you were being stupid and whiny and just feeling sorry for yourself but you couldn't help it! These stupid voices just wouldn't stop. You began to get ready for bed quickly taking off your clothes to change. You stopped short seeing your body in the mirror. You frowned poking at your stomach. You hadn't remembered it being that big before. The fries! You realized in horror. All of your progress would be ruined! You couldn't let that happen. You ran to your bathroom quickly pulling up your hair and turning the sink on before jabbing your fingers as far into your throat as possible.

You continued forcing everything out of your stomach until you were only heaving. It was how you knew you had done a good job. You grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge drinking a bit to get rid of the taste of bile. It was then you noticed the scars on your arms, some from fights but some just made to look like they were from fights. You glanced down at your hipbones noting that most of the scars had scabbed over and were healing from a nasty mind game full of self-hatred from the week before. You fought the urge to pull your knife out and tarnish your skin once more. You loved the sight of your blood. Finally deciding on just one cut you went to bed feeling the small trickle of blood soak into your pants.