Chapter 1: there is a hope that whispers a vow

Notes:

I owe all my gratitude to Helen8462, who has repeatedly turned my globbering collections of words into something readable - although she's probably going to say it wasn't bad before - it was, it definitely was! She has worked wonders on this again!

"Kathryn." Chakotay had been watching her for the last twenty minutes. She kept rubbing her neck and her brow was furrowed in concentration. Her soft sighs every now and then told him that she was getting frustrated with her work. Yet she refused to stop.

"Kathryn," he said again when she didn't react. He laid a hand on the terminal she was using and turned it away from her. "You have to stop."

"Chakotay…" she started, but he didn't let her finish.

"Kathryn, your neck is giving you hell and I'm willing to bet you have an enormous headache." Now that he said it she noticed the pounding in her head and grimaced when the pain finally registered with her. "I'm not asking you to stop for good, only for tonight."

"I can't." She shook her head in defiance, "I won't be able to relax enough to fall asleep anyway." She raised her eyebrow in challenge, but he wasn't going to back down.

Chakotay didn't say anything but stood up and went into their bathroom. Kathryn thought for a moment he had given up and would leave her alone, when he returned with her hairbrush. When he stood behind her and his hands went to her hair, she turned her head and look at him questioningly.

"Trust me," he leaned down and whispered into her ear, "and relax."

She could feel his smile against her earlobe and couldn't stop the shiver that went down her spine at his closeness. She was about to remind him of the conversation they had last night, when he leaned back a little and removed the clasp from her hair, letting it flow unhindered down her back.

She trusted him. He had, after all, agreed to her terms. His Angry Warrior speech had been nice and romantic and, of course, she understood what he had tried to convey but that didn't mean she would fall into his arms and declare her undying love to him right on the spot. No, she wasn't ready for that. And she had told him as much.

She had asked him not to voice the thoughts he desperately wanted to say, arguing that she might not repeat them back and that it would only hurt him. She had told him, without saying as much, that she would be ready some day, to reciprocate, and he had agreed to wait.

"Chakotay, I'm not ignoring this," she had sighed and gestured between them, "but we both know we can't do this on Voyager."

He had been about to interrupt, she knew, arguing that they weren't on Voyager anymore, so she had held up a hand to stop him. "I know, I know, but I can't give up just yet, and if I give in and we do this, there's no turning back. I'm not ready, Chakotay. Can you understand that?"

And he did understand. Without saying it, she had told him that she loved him and wanted him. But she was right, they both knew it wouldn't work aboard ship, within the constraints of their command structure and the pressure they were under. And he understood her desire to hold off on him until she was ready to let go of Voyager. Giving in to him meant giving up hope to leave this planet. He could understand that. And he could wait. For her, he would wait forever.

So he had nodded and let her go .

Returning from her thoughts she leaned back in her chair when he started to run the brush over her scalp and through her long tresses. He was right, this was relaxing. Kathryn couldn't make out all the words he kept whispering in his deep timber voice, and she knew some of them were in his native tongue. Having foregone the comm badges when they were together, the words weren't translated for her, so she just let them wash over her and closed her eyes.

The sound of his voice, feeling of his fingers in her hair and the gentle motion of the brush made her whole scalp tingle and she felt like she was floating. The sensation was slowly moving down her spine and she shivered when she felt the telltale sensation start deep in her belly. She started to straighten her back and was about to ask Chakotay to stop, when he sat down on his knees and leaned close to her ear again.

Chakotay had felt her stiffen. He had known that his method might cause this to happen. While it was a surefire way to get someone to relax, it also had the nice side effect of sexual arousal. While that had not been his intention tonight, he was aware that she wouldn't be able to relax if he didn't do something about it.

"Trust me," he whispered into her ear again, "I'll help you relax, Kathryn. If anything makes you uncomfortable let me know and I'll stop right away. I don't expect anything from you, okay? Just let it happen and enjoy."

There were questions, but Kathryn felt unable to answer them, not knowing what he was about to do. And she had a feeling that he didn't exactly expect her to answer anyway. She willed herself to relax and felt him lean his head against her back, all the while whispering gentle, soothing words. She heard him lay the brush down and felt his warm breath through her robe and slowly she started to relax further, until she felt his hand on her thigh and clamped her legs together harshly, her hands gripping the edge of the table. Chakotay's hand on her thigh stilled and for a moment the only thing she felt was his warm hand resting on her thigh and his warm breath against her back.

"Do you want me to stop?" It took her a few seconds to register his words and then a few more for her to react to them.

She shook her head, not trusting her voice to work, but Chakotay kept still and gave her time to adjust. When she relaxed slightly, she heard him speak again.

"Are you sure?"

She knew he was waiting for clear approval from her, so she pulled herself together enough to rasp out a throaty, "yes," and willed herself to relax into him as he continued his delicate touch and quiet mumblings.

She could make out some of the words as his fingers drew circles on her thigh. Trust me. Relax. Go with it. In between native words she couldn't understand, he kept throwing in the phrases that kept her rooted to her chair. And when his fingers reached the junction of her legs and touched her heated center through the material of her pajamas, she felt her head fall forward on its own volition and a soft moan escape her throat.

The situation seemed surreal. She gripped the edge of the table harder, one of his hands lay on her belly, the warmth seeping through the material of her robe and pajama top, while the other worked wonderful magic deliciously lower. Kathryn wanted to protest and tell him to stop, but the sensations he was evoking with his hands and his hot breathy murmurs against her shoulder blade left her unable to move. She was heavily aware of her own increased breathing and the quiet gasps and when she clamped her mouth shut she found she couldn't get enough air through her nose and breathed even louder. She scooted forward in her chair, giving him better access, and when she felt his lips curl and his hand reach her at a more satisfying angle, her own hips tried to rock against him but she was held in place by his other hand.

She knew she could stop him at any moment, but she still felt at his mercy. When she sensed the wave start in her belly and move downward, her left hand kept to the table tightly and her other hand moved down to clamp over his and hold him still. She gasped as her orgasm tore through her and her inner walls clamped down on emptiness, leaving her desperate for deeper contact with him.

Chakotay felt the ripple in her stomach muscles and knew he had her. He stopped whispering and held her as her body jerked violently against his hand and she gripped his hand between her thighs with her own. He continued holding her until her tremors stopped and her breathing calmed. Only then did he press a kiss to her shoulder blade, gently caressed her upper arm and stood up. Without waiting for her to say anything, he turned for his private area and left her to collect herself.

Kathryn sat dumbfounded. She felt more relaxed than she had in the last few months, maybe even years. Chakotay had done an incredibly selfless thing and then just turned around and left her. He hadn't said anything or done anything that would have embarrassed her. She realized that he had done exactly what he had said he would do. Help her relax.

She stood on shaky legs and, keeping her eyes on his private area for a few moments, she finally retreated to her own bed to settle down, her eyes closing as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Chakotay listened intently as she moved around their living area and was satisfied when she didn't linger too long, but went to her own bed and the whole cabin quickly fell silent. He smiled and gave a silent prayer that she had let him do this for her. He only hoped regret wouldn't follow the next morning.

It was late evening two days later when Chakotay tried to put an end to her squirming.

They had eaten their breakfast in silence, with Kathryn refusing to meet his eyes. Chakotay was well aware that she was embarrassed and that it would take time to come to terms with what she had let him do. He had wanted to give her space but her refusal to talk and meet his eyes was bordering on ridiculous. They still had to spend the rest of their lives together here. He needed to make sure she they were comfortable around each other.

"Let it go, Kathryn," he said gently, when she stiffened once more when he walked behind her.

She looked up at him, surprised to hear him speak. The last two days had been passed in almost complete silence. She knew it was her own fault, but she had been struggling and didn't know what to say and how to approach the subject.

She wanted to thank him and felt the need to give something back. But she couldn't. And he had been clear that he didn't expect anything in return.

It was a barrier she couldn't cross. Kathryn knew that once she stepped over the line of giving back what he had given her, there was no stopping her from going even further. And that was something she couldn't do. When they got back to Voyager – if they got back, she chided herself – they could easily slip back into their command structure. They had an intimate moment, but they had had those before. She had not done anything inappropriate, he had not seen anything inappropriate and when it came down to it, she could easily pretend it had never happened.

Only she couldn't.

She saw that she was making things harder for him and felt even worse. This was not what she had in mind when she wanted to reciprocate. She would have to make an conscious effort to let this go and get on with their life. She looked at him a moment longer and then nodded.

During the two weeks that followed they found an easy rhythm. She would work on trying to repair the insect traps or build new ones and tend to their garden and he would be out during the day to get wood for their boat and to stock up for winter. But Chakotay noticed that Kathryn was getting more and more restless. She was obviously struggling with something she wasn't prepared to share yet and the tension in her was almost back to where it was two weeks prior when he had had enough and offered his 'services'. He could hear her turning in bed, unable to fall asleep and sometimes she would walk out in the middle of the night to gaze at the stars.

One night he had followed her outside when she hadn't come back inside after more than twenty minutes. He found she had wandered down to the river and from a distance observed her waltzing along the water's edge, hands on her hips, head bowed down. From time to time she would pick up a stone and throw it into the water. At some point she must have had enough because she lay down with her hands behind her head and stared into the night sky. Satisfied that she was alright, Chakotay had left her to her own thoughts.

They had endured another storm since then and while he was busy planning the addition to their cabin, she was tending to their tomato plants. Chakotay looked over to her a couple of times when he heard her curse and groan and saw her pulling out weeds with much more force than necessary. He wondered what had her so riled up and set his tools aside to walk over to her. He kneeled down close to where she laid in the grass.

"Kathryn?"

"What?" Came the sharp reply.

"Kathryn," he said again, softer this time, his mouth even closer to her ear.

She stopped what she was doing and stilled her hands.

"What's bothering you?" He tried again when she didn't say anything and kept her head down.

"Nothing."

"Want to try that again?" He chuckled, poking her side gently. "What's got you so worked up, huh?"

"Nothing," she insisted, refusing to look at him.

"Kathryn, you're all tense and riled up. You need to relax." He tried to touch her shoulder but she shrugged it off.

"I know," she said in a harsher tone than she had intended, but he was rubbing her the wrong way and she was getting irritated.

"Oh," understanding dawned on him, "Is that was this is about?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Her hands had started picking at the dirt again, so Chakotay laid down on his side next to her, close enough to have his mouth reach her ear, but not quite so close that they were actually touching. He lifted one hand to tuck a few stray hairs behind her ear, lingered a bit, then let his fingers run through her tresses. He grinned when he felt her shiver.

"Let me tell you then." He leaned into her so that his lips were almost touching her earlobe and his breath was fanning the fine hairs on her neck. "You're exhausted and tense and can't sleep and you need to relax, but you can't ask me. Am I close?"

While he spoke, Chakotay continued running his fingers through her hair, and the feeling of his breath on her skin combined with the low vibrations of his murmured words made her scalp tingle all over again. She knew what he was doing and she knew where it would lead if she let him continue, but she didn't really want him to stop either.

"I can't," she whispered without conviction.

"Why not?"

"I can't…" she struggled for the words, "I can't give anything back…not yet."

"I didn't ask for anything," he whispered. Her words were saying one thing, but the fact that she had not turned away when his hand had traveled from her scalp all the way down to her thigh where it drew lazy circles told him another story.

"It's selfish." Her legs were opening almost imperceptibly and against her own volition when his hand slowly crept higher and under the hem of her dress. The words sounded hollow to her own ears, but she needed to say them.

"So, be selfish."

She invited him to stargaze with her that night and while they were looking into the night sky in silence he felt her slide her hand into his and interlace their fingers.

And when she quietly pointed upwards and began making up names for the foreign constellations in the sky over what was now their home, he couldn't help but smile and think that he would wait forever if he had to.

If anyone was worth the wait, he knew it was Kathryn Janeway.