I Wish: The Disney Butchering of Into The Woods

By Quee

Part One: the evil scheme

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my own opinions which are expressed in this story.

**An evil boardroom , hidden behind a potted plant at Disneyworld. Several evil Disney "geniuses" are seated around a large, rectangular, business-type table. Everything is sleek, and black, and glossy, especially the ominous-looking mouse ears protruding from the back of the chairs. Naturally, due to their evil, faceless, minions-of-the-giant-mouse status, these individuals will be referred to not by name, but by number.**

#1: People! Let's settle down!! We need to get down to business. We have run out of sequels for Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. In addition, we cannot do any more Lion King, Jungle Book, or any other films that take place in the animal communities of Africa or Asia, as various inhabitants of both areas, human and animal alike, have threatened to sue for misrepresentation. We're also out of fairy tales we can turn into full-length animated features. We need some ideas.

#6: Why don't we release The Jungle Book onto Broadway?

An angry mob appears from nowhere. Said group proceeds to promptly eat #6 in a cannibalistic fashion. This mob may or may not include Andrew Lloyd Webber. It definitely includes the entire set of carnivorous animals from the current cast of The Lion King. Even some of the birds, zebras, and elephants have joined in. These are not happy actors that Disney has chosen to work with. All the other minions move down a seat, and #6's absence is barely noticed. The only person who acknowledges the loss of #6 is #235, who is very pleased about finally getting promoted to #234, a position he's been eyeing for awhile.

#6 (formerly #7): Speaking of Broadway, though (He eyes the angry mob warily. They have not quite finished off the former #6, and are not listening.) I don't think we've taken full advantage of them yet. We've used them as our latest marketing ploy, but we have yet to steal anything from them! So why don't we just borrow a little something from . . . . (He turns suddenly, having felt the razor-sharp stare of a certain pair of British composer's eyes on the back of his neck.) . . . . . Stephen Sondheim? (He laughs nervously. When he turns around again, the mob is completely gone.)

#'s 2, 3, 5, 8, 9, and 234: Oh, yes! Wonderful idea #6! That's the best evil scheme I've heard for quite some time! etc.

#1: Then we are decided. Is anyone familiar with the works of this Mr. Sondheim?

Unfortunately, #7 is.

#7: I think that the best choice would be Into the Woods. It's a combination of all the fairy tales we've already stolen anyway. We'd hardly have to make up any new characters. Besides, it's the easiest one to make kiddy-friendly.

Numbers 1-234, with the exception of 4, who is not as evil as all that, decide that this is a wonderful idea, and proceed to plan just how they will butcher this masterpiece beyond recognition. Much evil laughter ensues.

Many long and tedious months later, the evil plans are complete, and Disney has just released it's new animated feature, I Wish (hahahaha! We'll just steal a line from the first song and turn it into our title. Then no one will ever know!)

The movie poster features all of the many stolen characters, predominantly:

Cinderella, just like she looked in her own movie. The person who once voiced the character is no longer around, so the part has been given to some no-name actor who seems to be the daughter of a Disney producer.

Jack, who looks exactly like Arthur from the Sword in the Stone with orange hair. Haley Joel Osment was originally considered for the part, but in the end, the producers opted for someone with an English accent, feeling that it added to the fairy tale feel. Also, what with all the Harry Potter movies, the average American child, a recent Disney pole has determined, doesn't believe it's magic unless it happens to a little British boy. The part went to Rupert Grint, who was forced to speak in falsetto for the majority of filming so no one would notice his voice change.

The Baker, who looks as though we've seen him before, possibly as man #3 in Beauty and the Beast. Chip Zien, the original Baker on Broadway, was approached for the part, but mysteriously went missing after he turned it down. This made it much easier for the evil Disney masterminds to recruit other original Broadway cast members, although Chip's mysterious disappearance was purely coincidental and had nothing to do with his refusal, I'm sure. The part was then offered to Mandy Patinkin, who is much more kid-friendly anyway. He accepted it because he is a happy, sunshine-type optimist who still sees the good in Disney and in the children of today. The Baker, Disney has decided is not a very good name for a character. They were going to name him after one of the actors who played him, but Chip may be confused with Beauty and the Beast, and Mandy may influence the children of America to grow up as girly boys, or present the image that being a baker is a girly profession. As said images cause over-protective parents to write to Disney complaining about the presence of possible homosexuality in the movie, the baker's name is George. To avoid the children catching on that this name was just a generic one picked at random out of a hat, it is mentioned as few times as possible.

The Baker's Wife, bearing a striking resemblance to an older version of Belle. In addition to looking the same, she also has the same voice, provided by Paige O'Hara, because if the children can recognize the basic character from another beloved Disney movie, they'll be sure to like it, and won't be tempted to stray to Warner Brother movies. Joanna Gleason, it was decided, had too low of a voice. Disney heroines are high-voiced, carefree, women who are never middle-aged or older. The baker's wife's name gets to be Joanna, however, because it was easier than actually thinking up their own name.

Little Red Riding Hood, who is Ariel with curly blonde hair and with legs. This young character is voiced by Danielle Ferland of the original Broadway cast, who is now approximately thirty-two years old.

Jack's Mother, who looks like a frazzled version of Flora, the good fairy from Sleeping Beauty. Barbara Bryne was not offered the part, because Angela Lansbury has more mass appeal to Disney audiences.

The Narrator, who is no longer an old man, but rather a stray cat, with spectacles and a happy British accent.

And, of Course,

The Witch, who is standing in the middle of it all, looking frustrated. She does not look angry, pissed off, bitchy, or anything like that, because this is a children's movie. In addition, she will not be zapping anybody in the groin. Because she is the main character, and needs to be at least partially liked, she cannot look like any of the other Disney witches, who were all evil. She is a cross between the evil queen from Snow White, and The Magnificent Marvellous Mad Madame Mim. She has purple hair. In the distant background, there is the beautiful, post-transformation witch. She looks like Bernadette Peters. But that is a pure coincidence. Incidentally, after being kidnapped from Broadway, where she is currently doing Gypsy, Bernadette agreed to do the voice for the witch. Maybe she'll finally win an award for the part. At any rate, Disney hopes that if they make a movie with the two lead roles played by Bernadette Peters and Mandy Patinkin, reminiscent of Sunday in the Park with George, they will win back some of the respect that they have lost from the Sondheim fans.

In the bottom corner of this movie poster, in sickeningly spirally writing, is the sickeningly optimistic and flowery movie catch phrase, Wishes can come true!

Do we dare sink so low as to pay as much as much as ten dollars or more to go see this abomination in the movie theatres?

Indeed we do. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .