Author's notes at the end.

Part 3

~*~Present Day~*~

Harry sat outside the cottage, wrapped in his dressing gown and holding a cup of coffee closely to his chest. He'd been out there since the sun had come up, and although it was cold, the weather was beautiful.

He had been unable to sleep; the pain in his lower back and hips had been driving him insane and he hadn't been able to lie in bed any longer and hope for sleep to pull him under. He had little enough hope at the best of times, but now that Severus and Ron had him off all painkillers and sleeping aids, it was a near impossible task.

He sighed and sipped at his coffee, then closed his eyes and leant back in his chair, breathing in the smell of the sea and listening to the waves crash on the beach below. He had done this so many times, had sat and let the environment wash over him in a place that had brought him more peace than anywhere, even Hogwarts, had ever done. Now though, now everything that had gone before seemed to stand in the way of achieving that sense of peace and he hated it.

Was he so very different from the boy that had crossed the threshold all those years ago? Was it impossible to go back to the way things had been before? Somewhere in the back of his head a snide little voice was telling him that it was always impossible to go back, that the past was the past for a reason, but, contrary to almost everything that he had learnt in the ensuing years, his heart still held just the smallest bit of hope.

"Couldn't sleep?" came Severus' voice, and he tilted his head upwards slightly to look at him.

"No," he said with a sigh as Severus came to sit opposite him.

"Pain?" Severus asked, fixing him with those dark eyes.

Harry nodded and placed his mug on the table, saying, "I don't know what to do. I can't live like this, it's hell."

Severus looked pained by Harry's admission and a deep frown settled between his brows as he said, "We will find an answer, Harry, I promise you. A little more research, a little more therapy – "

"I know you're doing everything you can, and I appreciate it, I really do, I just…I don't know how much more I can take." He rubbed at his eyes tiredly and massaged the bridge of his nose before taking a deep breath and saying, "It's debilitating and it's draining. I wake up exhausted and everything feels like a struggle. Some days it's all I can do just to put one foot in front of the other and I hate feeling like this, it's hideous."

Severus reached across and took hold of his hand, and the gesture was so familiar that it made Harry's chest constrict. "I wish I could take this from you, I would do anything to take away your suffering," he said, his voice so soft that it flooded Harry with all the memories he had tried so hard to squash down.

"I know," he said quietly, giving Severus' hand a squeeze, holding the man's gaze.

"Ron will be here soon. Have you two made up yet?"

Harry shrugged, releasing Severus' hand and leaning back in his chair. "I don't think so. We didn't really speak to each other at Elodie's party."

"I've never known Ron to hold a grudge," Severus said, mirroring him and leaning back in his own chair, folding his arms across his chest.

Harry hated how easily Severus spoke of Ron, and he couldn't honestly say that he knew where his jealousy was placed. Was he jealous of Ron for the relationship he had with the man he had such complicated feelings for, or was he jealous of Severus for the relationship he had with the man who had once been his best friend? It made his head hurt to think of it.

"Maybe not, but he can be a stubborn prat when he wants to be," Harry groused, and Severus raised an eyebrow at him.

"That's rather the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?"

"I'm not stubborn!" Harry protested, and the eyebrow arched even higher.

"Harry, that's like Dumbledore saying that he doesn't enjoy a good meddle."

Harry pulled a face at the man opposite, receiving a smirk for his troubles. "Do you want some breakfast?" Severus asked, getting up from the table. "It might be a good idea to fill your stomach with something besides endless quantities of coffee."

"I'm not – " Harry began to say, but stopped himself at the stern look being sent his way. "Fine, fine," he said with a sigh, "I'll have some breakfast. You'd make someone a lovely mother, you know."

The smack that was aimed to the back of his head seconds later was certainly no accident.

Harry was indeed persuaded to eat some breakfast, although every mouthful tasted like ash to him, and then Severus insisted on him doing his exercises. Harry didn't know why he was bothering, it seemed to him that all the stretches were designed to do was piss him off and make him ache even more, despite Ron's protests to the contrary.

He was sitting on the floor in the living room after having completed them, contemplating just how he could kill Ron and Severus and get away with it, when Ron poked his head around the door and said, "Can I come in?"

"Not my house, I can't stop you," Harry said, knowing that he sounded like a ten-year-old, but in no mood to moderate his behaviour.

Ron sighed and moved into the room then slid down onto the floor next to Harry, his back leaning up against the sofa. He paused for a moment then turned his head to look at Harry and said, "There are things that need to be said Harry, and I don't think things are ever going to be ok between us unless they are."

Harry gritted his teeth together and felt the pressure build behind his eyes; he hadn't had enough sleep to be having this conversation.

"You've said your piece," Harry said, continuing to stare straight ahead, refusing to look Ron in the eye, "do you really need to say any more?"

"Harry could you stop behaving like a child for five minutes and realise that there are things that need addressing?"

Harry snorted and said, "The old Ron would have been quite happy to keep his head buried in the sand."

"The old Ron?" Ron echoed. "What does that even mean? I'm the same person I always was Harry; any changes you see in me are the result of you not being around enough to have witnessed them gradually. I'm still your best friend," he finished firmly.

Harry shook his head and said snidely, "Is that a fact?"

Ron sucked the air through his teeth and said, "Fine, you be like that." He rose to his feet and looked down at Harry. "I'll just go and speak to Severus about continuing to try and find the cure to help you, you ungrateful prick."

He was gone before Harry could think up an adequate response, or even an inadequate one. His mind was cloudy and his head was throbbing. The pain in his hips was becoming more and more insistent, and all he could think about was the way that Ron and Severus seemed to talk about each other in terms that always made them sound like a couple.

He knew it was a stupid to think, he had seen Ron and Draco for himself, had seen how in love they were and how devoted they were to one another, but he wasn't in a condition to be thinking rationally, to talk himself out of thinking like a moron.

He hated being at odds with Ron, always had done, it just felt too unnatural for the two of them not to be partners in crime, to be each other's sidekicks, but he couldn't help the growing feelings of resentment that kept festering in his gut. He wanted things to go back to normal, and it was easier to blame Ron for them not being so rather than to face up to the realisation that the fault lay at his door.

"That went well," came a voice from the doorway, and Harry turned his head to see Draco standing there, his arms folded and a gentle smile on his face. He held out his hand and said, "Come on love, let's go and take a little stroll by the sea."

"I don't want to," Harry said petulantly.

Draco laughed and said, "That wasn't a request."

Gentle but deadly, Harry thought as he was suddenly reminded of how Draco had fought in the final battle, of how he had acquired the scar on his face that stretched when he smiled. Perhaps disobeying him wasn't the wisest of moves. Harry sighed and accepted the hand, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and guided out of the front door.

Draco was such a soothing influence, there was something about that man that exuded calm, and after a few minutes in his company, Harry felt a little of the hideous tension that he had been carrying simply melt away. They walked down from the cliff-head to the little cove that lay below and meandered over the sand, enjoying the warmth of the sun as they went.

Eventually, Draco stopped walking and stood looking out towards the sea, his hands clasped loosely behind his back. He stood with such grace and elegance, his delicate chin tilted upwards slightly, that Harry felt like a clumsy, uncoordinated oaf next to him. He also couldn't shake the feeling of having been brought before a benevolent but stern headmaster, one who was about to read him the riot act in the worst way possible.

"Harry," he said softly, "this situation causes me a great deal of conflict. I love you, but I love Ron too, and I'm afraid that that love will always win over anything else."

"So you're taking his side?" Harry asked, regretting it immediately when Draco turned his head and raised a remonstrative eyebrow at him and fixed him with those steely grey eyes.

"We're too old for 'taking sides', Harry," he said, turning back to face the sea again, "and we're too old to be engaging in these petty arguments. I understand that you're hurting, and that there are things at play here that go beyond the curse you've been hit with, but other people are hurting too, and whether you like it or not, you're the cause of that."

"Why is everything my fault?" Harry asked, and Draco shook his head while continuing to look ahead.

"Harry, you have to remove yourself from this 'poor me' mentality. You've been through some terrible experiences, no one could deny that, but so have other people. We've all lost someone, we all have the nightmares, the flashbacks. Do you think that I don't relive every second of killing my father?"

The words hit Harry like a fist and he couldn't bear to look at Draco's profile while he processed what the man had just said. His eyes went to the ground and he felt a hot blush of shame creep across his cheeks, and his stomach twisted as he knew that there would be to come.

"There's a part of you that's so bruised, so wounded, that you've shut yourself down to avoid anything that remotely resembles emotion. What was the last relationship you had?" he asked, turning to face Harry, but Harry continued to stare down at the sand beneath his feet.

"I haven't really…I haven't been in a relationship. There hasn't been anyone…"

"There hasn't been anyone that could replace Severus," Draco finished certainly.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but could think of no way to respond to what Draco had said. He couldn't deny it, it was true after all, but neither could he admit it, not out loud, not to another person.

"Harry," Draco said gently, reaching out a hand and gripping Harry's chin, forcing him to look up, "you're in love with the man, you have been for years now. Why do you want to torture yourself and him by pretending otherwise?"

Harry met the unyielding grey eyes, feeling himself shrink from their intensity, wishing he were anywhere but there, fixed to the spot and being scrutinised by a man who seemed to know his thoughts better than he did.

"You're going to have to face this, one way or another. You can't keep running, hoping that if you put enough distance between you that it will go away. You should know better than anyone that you can't escape your feelings."

Harry took a shuddering breath, feeling his eyes prick with tears that he kept refusing to cry, tears that he had silenced for a long time. "I don't know what to do Drake," he whispered.

"That's ok," Draco said with a soft smile. "You don't need to have all the answers, none of us do, but you need to be prepared to face this. You're not alone, Harry, please stop acting as though you are."

"Tell me what to do," Harry implored, desperate for someone to take the pressure off his shoulders, to make it all better for him.

"Well, I think you need to start by talking to Ron. You need your best friend if you're going to start confronting things."

Harry gave a bitter laugh and said, "Won't I have to confront him too?"

"Yes love," said Draco, matching the sardonic smile that Harry was wearing, "I'm afraid you will."

He leant forward and pressed a kiss to Harry's cheek, then pulled him into a strong hug, amazing Harry yet again with just how much strength the man could possess in such a gently elegant body.

They spent the next half an hour taking a gentle walk along the sand before Draco very firmly told Harry that it was time to go back up to the cottage. He climbed the hill reluctantly and Draco led him back inside before he went into the kitchen and Harry heard him say,

"Sev could I have a word with you about your latest order? Neville's produced a hybrid that I think you might be quite interested in."

A moment or two later and Severus and Draco left the kitchen and moved into the living room, Severus raising a knowing eyebrow as they passed Harry in the corridor. Harry stood there, collecting his thoughts and psyching himself up before he finally bit the bullet and moved into the kitchen.

Ron was sitting at the table, Harry's notes spread out in front of him, flicking his pen from finger to finger in that way that always made Harry jealous that he couldn't do the same thing. Ron had tried to teach him once, but the lesson had come to an abrupt end when Harry had nearly stuck the pen up Ron's nose. The memory made him smile in spite of himself.

"Can we talk?" he asked quietly, and Ron looked up, his expression wary.

"I tried to do that an hour ago but you weren't having any of it," he said, clicking the pen and laying it down on the table.

Harry sighed and pulled out the chair opposite Ron, taking a seat and resting his elbows on the table and looking at his friend resolvedly. If he didn't do this, Draco would remove his liver, of that he was certain.

"I can't do this without you Ron," he said tiredly.

"No one bloody asked you to," Ron shot back. "The second you came back, the second you told me you'd been cursed, I was there for you, ready to help and – "

"I don't just mean with the curse," Harry said, his eyes going to the table, unable to meet Ron's piercing blue eyes.

"Why are you such a dick?" Ron said, and Harry couldn't help but laugh at the man's bluntness. Ron would never be one to sugar-coat anything, and he loved him for it.

"Sorry," Harry said, looking up at him, "it's just what I do."

Ron shook his head, looking exasperated and mildly pissed off in equal measure. "We can't keep playing this game," he said, and Harry nodded, wondering just how many tellings-off he could take in one day. When had Ron and Draco become his parents? On reflection, he supposed he could do worse.

"I know," he said, "I don't want to, I just…I don't know what I'm doing."

"That's pretty obvious," said Ron with a snort. He leant back in his chair and a slightly pink tinge crept up his throat; Harry recognised it as a sure sign that Ron was uncomfortable about what he was about to say. "I miss you," he said, crossing his arms defensively. "I miss…I miss the way things used to be between us."

"So do I," Harry insisted, feeling as though Ron didn't really appreciate the fact that things weren't exactly rosy for him either.

"But I didn't leave Harry! I've been right here, if you missed me, if you missed any of us, all you had to do was come home!"

"It's not that easy Ron!"

"Evidently," Ron shot back, the pink tinge spreading to his jaw. "You know what really hurts, Harry? I was with you from the start, before Hermione even. I was there from day one and for you to be able to just write me out of your life fucking hurts."

"I haven't written you out of my life!" Harry protested.

"Really? Well it sure as hell feels that way! I don't know anything about you anymore."

"What are you talking about? Of course you do!"

"No I bloody well don't! Harry, I don't know anything about your job, or about anyone that you've dated. I don't know where you live when you're on assignments, I don't even know what Grimmauld Place looks like these days! And you know what? You know fuck all about my life either! You haven't seen the place Drake and I bought together and you haven't got a clue what's going on with my work. We never talk apart from the brief times that you pop back and that's only usually when you want something."

Harry opened his mouth to argue, but it seemed that Ron wasn't finished. He leant his fists on the table and stood up, eying Harry fiercely and saying, "You're a selfish git, Harry. You left us all behind to get on without you and now you want to be the injured party and tell me that this is hard for you too? You're unbelievable."

"It is hard!" Harry shot back. "Do you think I like the way things are?"

"You made them this way! You left without so much as a glance back."

"You can't really believe that it was just that easy for me?" Harry asked, getting to his feet and trying to put himself back on some sort of even keel with Ron.

"It looked pretty easy to the rest of us Harry."

"I had to leave, Ron, I had to get away, to get my head clear, to – "

"To pretend like the rest of us didn't exist? We all went through it too you prick! I lost a brother, Hermione lost her sight, Draco killed his own father! Everyone else had things to deal with, but for some reason your stuff was more important! And what about Severus?"

The man's name was like a slap in the face to Harry, and he blinked in shock for a second before saying, "What about him?"

Ron's eyes became harder than Harry had ever seen them and his nostrils flared angrily before he said in a horribly quiet voice, "Well if that doesn't just sum up your attitude towards him, I don't know what does. You couldn't give a shit could you?"

"How can you ask me that?" Harry said, his voice catching as his emotions threatened to overwhelm him.

"Well what do you expect me to think? What do you expect him to think? How do you think he feels about the fact that all he gets from you are a couple of letters a year if he's lucky?"

"Well I'm sorry I don't pop around for tea twice a week and have a cosy little life with him the way you do – "

"Are you fucking jealous?" Ron shouted, his face flushed and his eyes angry.

Harry didn't say anything, simply stood there and clenched his teeth together as his hands balled into fists at his side. He was jealous, he wasn't entirely sure what of but the feeling was there nonetheless.

"Oh you're priceless Harry, you really are. Never mind how insulting that is to my relationship with Drake, do you have any idea how stupid the idea of him thinking of anyone but you actually is? Do you really not know how he – "

"Ron," came Severus' voice from the doorway and Harry turned to find him standing there with one hand on the doorframe, his face guarded. "That's enough," he said quietly.

Ron's eyes went to the floor and he suddenly looked embarrassed, ashamed of himself almost, and he nodded as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Sorry," he said softly, "I shouldn't have…sorry." He looked back up to Severus and something wordless passed between them that only served to make Harry's gut twist painfully.

Ron sighed and stuffed his notes back into satchel, saying, "I'm going to go and work on this stuff from my office."

"Ron – " Harry said, not wanting to leave things the way they were.

"We're done here today," Ron said firmly, "before I say something that I won't be able to take back."

He moved from the room, clapping Severus on the shoulder as he went and stopping to press a quick peck to Draco's lips, telling him he would see him at home. Harry heard a soft pop moments later, indicating that Ron had indeed left. He looked to Draco, who looked as frustrated as he did concerned, and Harry shrugged at him, saying,

"I tried."

"I'm not sure that's true," Draco said softly, "but perhaps that's enough for today. I'll leave you in peace." He too apparated away, and Harry and Severus were left alone in the kitchen, staring at one another and wondering what the hell to say.

Harry decided that he was too much of a coward to confront the issue; he didn't want to hear the same harsh things from Severus as he had done from Ron, and he had nothing to say that would really defend himself. He raked a hand through his hair and said quietly, "I'm going to go for a walk."

"Are you sure that's wise?" Severus said levelly, and Harry wondered how the man managed to maintain his composure even at times like this. "You won't do your hips any favours."

"Rather that than stay here and be victim to my thoughts."

Severus shook his head but stepped aside from the doorway nevertheless, and Harry moved past him and out into the hallway. He grabbed his cloak and headed outside, wanting to put the whole sorry morning as far from his head as he possibly could.

He turned from the cottage and walked inland, into the heavy woodland that lay beyond. He knew the area well, having spent many a lazy afternoon strolling through the countryside, and as he walked, he remembered the many times he had walked side by side with Severus, sometimes talking, sometimes in companionable silence.

That seemed like another world ago. Everything in those early days had been so tentative yet it had felt so natural. He had been nervous and at ease all at once, sneaking glances at Severus, finding ways to touch him, to be touched. They had experienced all the heady feelings that came with embarking on a new relationship and the memories of that time were so bittersweet that Harry's pulse quickened uncomfortably as he recalled them.

Everything seemed so different now. He couldn't imagine walking with Severus now as he had done then, couldn't imagine sliding into his seat at the kitchen table and smiling sleepily across at the man before they began their day, sipping on coffee and swiping good-naturedly about the other's sleeping habits. At the time he perhaps hadn't realised how easy things were between them, but the stark contrast of how things were now brought it into clear effect in his mind.

Severus was right; the walk had done his hips no favours, and by the time he got back to the cottage, he was walking with a pronounced limp and he was in agony. Tears pricked his eyes as he slammed the door open and he felt a hot ball of resentment twist in his chest, furious that he was now so disabled that he couldn't even go for a walk without feeling as though his body was a withered old cadaver.

He wrenched his cloak off and was hanging it on the peg when Severus appeared from the kitchen, concern evident in his face.

"Don't," Harry said, his voice low, "don't say 'I told you so'."

"I had no intention of saying any such thing, not when I know you won't listen."

There was silence for a minute before Severus turned and headed for the stairs that led down to the cellar, saying as he went, "Come with me."

Harry was in no mood to argue, nor to question the direction, and so followed after the man, limping down each painful step, gripping on to the handrail to try and steady himself. He paused at the end of the workbench, watching as Severus removed his outer robe and rolled up his shirtsleeves. He sorted through an assortment of vials and, without looking across to Harry, said,

"Take your shirt off."

Harry blinked for a moment before saying, "I beg your pardon?"

"I want to combine your physical therapy with something I've been working on."

He found what he was looking for and turned to face Harry, saying, "Do you remember when we were training with shield charms and your hand and arm were injured?"

Harry nodded and Severus continued, "Do you remember the mixture that I used to treat you?"

How could the man ask him that? Of course he remembered it; he remembered the feeling of Severus' strong hands massaging it into his hand, those long fingers ghosting over his flesh and making him break out in goosebumps. It had been the very thing that had been responsible for the instigation of their first kiss all those years ago, and had been the subject of many a dream since.

He said nothing, merely nodded again, and Severus picked up a jar, examining it as he said, "This is a variation of that mixture. I'm hoping that, when worked in with the muscle manipulation we've been doing that it will be of some help."

"Oh," Harry said quietly, unsure of how to react. It had been hard enough to have Severus' hands on him when he had been fully clothed, but the thought of the man touching him with nothing between them to buffer the touches was almost too much to bear.

"Come on then, shirt off and turn around," Severus said, unscrewing the lid of the jar.

It's not that bloody easy, Harry thought, but nevertheless his hands went to the buttons on his shirt and slowly started to undo them. He slid it from his shoulders and placed it on the workbench, feeling horribly exposed as he turned around and took a couple of deep breaths.

He felt Severus move to stand directly behind him and within seconds he felt the mixture on his skin, being rubbed in by deft hands. He tried not to focus on the feeling as he twisted his hands in front of himself, but it was damn near impossible. Severus moved over his lower back, applying pressure where Ron had previously instructed him to, his fingers firm as he applied the mixture he had created.

A little part of Harry's brain told him that the pain was beginning to subside, that the ache in his hips and the shooting pains down his legs were starting to ease off a little, but he could concentrate on nothing but having Severus' hands on him. It was wonderful and horrible all at once, and Harry had to fight to push down all the feelings that were threatening to come to the surface.

Severus moved up his back and Harry tried to keep his breathing under control as the motion sent chills up his spine. He shivered slightly and Severus' voice rumbled low in his ear,

"I don't remember you being so ticklish."

And there it was, the acknowledgement that neither had made so far that something had actually happened between them all those years ago, and the words hung heavily in the air. Severus' hands had stilled, one resting lightly in the small of his back, the other ghosting over his shoulder-blade.

"I…I didn't think I was," Harry said, his voice resonating horribly in his own head.

Severus' hand moved over his shoulder and Harry's eyes fluttered closed as long fingers played over the nape of his neck. He wanted to stop time, to stay in that cellar in that very moment for as long as possible, revelling in the feeling of those hands on him, pushing all other thoughts or 'what ifs' as far from his mind as possible.

He didn't want to address the painful questions that wouldn't stop resurfacing in his head, he didn't want to have difficult conversations or apportion blame for all that had happened, he just wanted to revel in the feeling of being touched by the person for whom he still held such tender feelings.

Severus wasn't massaging anymore, he was touching, moving his hand lightly over Harry's skin. Part of Harry wanted to tell him to stop, that it was too much to be reminded of the way he used to touch him, but the louder part of Harry's brain was screaming at him not to be so foolish as to relinquish the moment.

"There was a time," Severus said softly, his mouth close to Harry's ear, "when I knew every inch of your skin." His hand brushed softly down Harry's arm and he said, "Hard to believe we could be such strangers after knowing each other so…intimately."

"Are we such strangers?" Harry asked, his emotions a horrible jumble inside him.

"Aren't we?"

Harry turned around to face Severus, although it was the last thing he wanted to do. He met the man's eyes, trying not to falter under the strength of the look he was met with. His chest rose and fell with heavy breaths and he called on every ounce of courage he had ever possessed.

"I miss you," he said with a whisper. "God I miss you."

He didn't give Severus time to answer, launching himself into the man's arms and wrapping his arms around his neck as he held on tightly. He emitted a shaky breath as Severus' arms came up to hold him, wrapping him up, encircling him in warmth and safety. It wasn't like being hugged by Draco, there was nothing platonic about this hug and yet it was just as comforting, just as wonderful to be held in arms that had once been so familiar.

One of Severus' hands moved to his hair and began stroking back and forth and Harry buried his face into the man's neck, breathing in the scents that he had once known so well. "This is all such a mess. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Ssh," Severus soothed. "This won't do any good, not now."

"But it's all so – "

"I know, Harry, I know."

"I just want to go back to the way things were, before I messed everything up, before – "

"We can't go back Harry, none of us can."

~*~* 7 Years Earlier ~*~*

Harry padded down the stairs softly. He hadn't had much sleep, but he wasn't really complaining about it. He had sat awake for most of the night thinking about what had had happened between him and Severus the previous night, thinking about that kiss. He tried to wipe the smile off his face; it wouldn't do any good to go into breakfast looking like a love-sick teenager…even if he was one.

"Morning," he said softly as he moved into the kitchen.

Severus looked up from reading the paper, sitting at the table with a cup of coffee at his elbow. "Good morning," he replied, and Harry didn't think he was imagining the quirk of the man's lip into a slightly teasing smile. "Coffee?" he asked, indicating the half-full cafetiere in the middle of the table.

"Thanks," said Harry, taking a seat and pouring himself a cup. He snuck a glance across at Severus, who had gone back to reading the paper, and Harry didn't have to look under the table to know that the man's legs would be crossed and he would be drawing circles with his foot.

"If you're going to stare, it's usually better to be a little more covert about it," Severus told him, continuing to study the paper.

"I wasn't staring," Harry said, feeling a blush spread over his cheeks.

Severus looked up at him and he couldn't stop himself from grinning, earning himself a slightly amused look in response.

"So what's on the agenda for today then?" he asked, trying to sound like a confident, professional adult rather than the immature teenager he felt he was.

"More training with shield charms," Severus replied, folding the paper and laying it to one side. "Is your arm alright to train?"

Harry flexed his fingers and looked down at his hand, nodding and saying, "I reckon so. Anyway," he added, looking up at Severus with a grin, "if I get any pain I'm sure I can count on you to…help me out."

Severus raised an eyebrow and said smoothly, "Brat." He took a final sip of his coffee then elegantly rose to his feet. "Have some breakfast," he said, moving over to Harry, "then come and meet me outside."

Harry nodded, then, in a moment of boldness, reached out and pulled the man down into a kiss. He had clearly caught Severus by surprise and he took advantage of the fact to wind his fingers around the back of Severus' neck and deepen the kiss. It was familiar and alien all at once, and his stomach fluttered at the realisation that he could do this whenever he liked.

He pulled back, not wanting Severus to think that he was some kind of insatiable teenager, and was pleased to see that there was no hint of reproach in the man's eyes, indeed, if Harry was any judge at all he rather thought that Severus was looking at him as though he could devour him whole. The idea sent a thrill of anticipation through him, and he couldn't stop himself from grinning.

Severus raised an eyebrow and straightened back up, eventually finding his voice and saying, "If you think such actions will make me go easier on you in training then you can think again."

"Bring it on," Harry said, squaring his shoulders, "I can take you."

He was soon to realise that Severus had in no way been joking, and the training session they embarked upon that morning was intense and difficult. His hand and arm were still aching, and every now and again the sharp, unforgiving pain would shoot through his nerves and halt proceedings, but he was determined to keep going.

He wanted to prove to Severus that not only was he strong enough to withstand the hindrance, but that he had the magical competence to learn the new defensive tactics he was being presented with. He couldn't help but feel inadequate next to Severus; the man had so much more experience in…well, in everything, and Harry felt the need to show him that he could measure up to his standards, that, as he began to leave his teenage years behind him and truly enter adulthood, he could meet the man as his equal.

The shield charms that Severus was teaching him were some of the most powerful and advanced magic that Harry had ever learnt. He could liken it to learning how to cast a Patronus; the effort involved and the intensity of the magic he could feel coursing through him was comparable, but he had to admit, he would take casting the silvery stag any day over throwing up the complicated charms that he was being instructed in.

He had to anticipate the type of curse that Severus was about to send his way and he had a split second to decide which shield charm would serve him best. Each one required exact and precise wand movement and Harry struggled each time to get it perfect. He could manage an adequate enough shield to slow down the force of Severus' attacks, managing to deflect the initial impact of each curse, but he couldn't hold it long enough to protect himself from subsequent attacks.

He stood with his hands on his knees, bent over double, as he tried to catch his breath after he had spent a solid five minutes holding up a shield to repel disabling hexes. His head was swimming and his muscles ached but there was a part of him that felt exhilarated and enlivened.

"Time to call it a day I think," Severus said, and Harry felt the man's hand come to rest on his back.

Harry shook his head and said with laboured breathing, "No, no I can go again."

"Pushing yourself into a stupor will be beneficial for no one," Severus said firmly as he began to move his hand in soothing circles across Harry's back. "Besides, spare a thought for the rest of us," he added, and Harry straightened up a little to meet the man's eyes.

"Have I worn you out?" Harry asked with a grin, noting that Severus' hand had moved from his upper back to his lower back, resting there gently with delicate intimacy.

"Not yet you impertinent brat, but you put up a good fight."

Feeling bolstered by what passed as praise from Severus, Harry moved and wrapped his arms around Severus' neck, pulling himself up as close as he dared. "Does that mean you're pleased with me?" he asked.

"Let's not get carried away with ourselves," Severus said with a smirk, bringing his other arm up to fully encircle Harry, and Harry had to mentally shake himself to realise that he was actually in the man's arms. He had imagined it so many times, thought about what it might feel like to be held by him, and for it now to be a reality made his head giddy.

"You worked me hard," he told Severus, his tone teasing.

"You can take it," Severus replied, tightening his hold a little more.

"Sadist," Harry murmured before leaning forward and meeting Severus' lips with his own. It was gentle but firm, he wanted to leave Severus in no doubt as to how much he wanted it. A part of him still felt hesitant, cautious, but he wanted to be near Severus more than anything else in the world, and here, in this strange little world, he could be.

"Are we still taking this slowly?" he asked as he pulled away slightly.

The glint in Severus eyes told him how the man felt about it, but still he said, "I think it best, if only for my sanity."

"Are you saying that I'll drive you mad?"

"You're already doing that," Severus said in a low growl. "Harry, I…I would be lying if said that I didn't want to take things further. The…attraction I feel for you is very strong and every instinct I have wants me to act on that, but I don't want to ruin something that could be…more than just physical."

Harry's stomach flipped over at Severus' words and he knew he hadn't managed to hide his surprise, as the next thing Severus said was, "Of course, if that's not what you want then I – "

Harry could think of nothing clever enough to say to dissuade that train of thought and so simply pulled Severus back into another kiss, hoping it was persuasive enough to make the man realise that he was very much onboard with that proposition.

"I don't want to jeopardise this either," he said softly as he pulled back. "And I don't want this to just be about…falling into bed together, although," he added with a sly smile, "I do hope that will happen at some point."

Severus mirrored his expression and said, "I guarantee your patience will be rewarded…as will mine."

The days passed in a hazy blur to Harry. He felt as though he was existing in another universe to the one he had been used to, one in which both he and the man he had thought he had known were different.

He was learning new things about his co-habitant every day, and the more he learnt, the more he liked. Severus had a playful sense of humour that he would never have imagined the serious man possessing, and he enjoyed the verbal sparring that they soon fell to engaging in.

The weight that had been lifted from Severus' shoulders with the cessation of his spying activities had allowed the man a freedom that he hadn't had in years, and Harry felt privileged to be the one to witness the transformation that that brought. He was, in many ways, still the same man that Harry known for all these years prior; he was controlled and measured, he guarded himself and his thoughts carefully and he would never give his time to those he thought unworthy of it.

Harry saw though that there was a lot more beyond that, beyond the acerbic and sometimes unpleasant man that so many people thought he was. He genuinely cared about Harry's training, and now that he didn't have to play the perfect Head of Slytherin, Harry could see that somewhere deep inside the man was a good teacher. He was capable of patience, sometimes more than Harry thought he could show if their positions were reversed, and he had a measured and encouraging way of explaining things that made Harry drink in the knowledge that Severus imparted.

They continued their tuition in Potions, and Harry learnt more in those little sessions in the cellar than he had done in nearly seven years of education in the subject. He found himself interested for the first time in learning all the complexities of the brewing process and he felt a growing confidence in his abilities.

The time in the cellar wasn't always spent peering into a cauldron, however, and despite their agreement to take things slowly, neither man could quite resist the opportunity to slide their arms around the other's waist and indulge in a few slow, languid kisses. Knowing that they wouldn't have to lead anywhere was somewhat liberating, and Harry enjoyed being able to accustom himself to being in Severus' arms, to the feeling of being kissed in such a way that took his breath away each time.

He wasn't sure how long either of them could stick to their 'no further than kissing' agreement. He could feel his attraction to the man growing each day, and his dreams about being taken to bed and taken completely were increasing in frequency and intensity. He had to admit though, taking things slowly was the sensible course of action. He had never been with anyone physically before, indeed he had very little experience beyond a quick fumble, and although he wanted more with Severus, he was still apprehensive about the matter.

What struck him most about their arrangement to go cautiously was the reason that Severus had given him that he wanted to see if they could have a relationship that went beyond sex. It had made his breath catch in his throat at the time, and the more he had thought about it, the more he had been amazed by it. Severus wanted him, and not just for one night, for one roll in the sack, he wanted him, all of him. That thought was one that put a smile on his face and keep it there for the days after the declaration. He had no idea if such a thing could work between them, but he damn well wanted to try.

"You're not helping," Harry told Severus as he felt the man's arms wind around his waist, impeding his movements as he tried to prepare dinner.

"I'm not trying to," Severus replied as he began to press firm and deliberate kisses to the column of Harry's throat.

Harry suppressed a smile and tried to adopt the same severe tone that Severus used whenever Harry would try and delay their training sessions by enticing him into a moment of passion. "You'll ruin dinner," Harry said, trying to keep the smile from his voice.

"Mm, forget dinner," Severus said as he continued to worry the flesh beneath his lips.

"You won't be saying that in an hour when you're hungry," said Harry, horribly aware that he sounded like Molly Weasley, and not remotely believing in his own resolve to stop Severus' ministrations.

"It'll keep," Severus insisted as his hands began to rove over Harry's torso.

Harry laughed and said, "What would you know about it? You're a hopeless cook."

"I don't need to cook when I have my own little house elf in residence."

"Take that back," Harry said, turning around in Severus' arms, branding the wooden spoon he had been using, which was covered in the tomato sauce he'd been making.

"Or else?" Severus taunted, a teasing glint in his eye.

Harry grinned and landed a dollop of sauce on the end of Severus' nose, but wasn't quick enough to stop Severus from wrenching the spoon out of his hand and smearing a line of sauce all the way from his forehead down to his top lip.

"You dirty rotten Slytherin," Harry laughed as he tried to reach for a new weapon but was held firm in Severus' hold. The man possessed a great deal of strength, more than his wiry frame told of, and Harry struggled against him as they continued to fight.

"You shouldn't start fights you have no hope of winning," Severus told him smoothly before leaning down to capture Harry's lips.

All thoughts of fighting back flew out of Harry's head, and he wrapped his arms around Severus' neck as he pulled his body up against the man's. The contact was delicious, and he couldn't help but imagine how much better it would feel without the barrier of clothes in the way. One of Severus' hands snuck beneath his shirt and he felt a jolt of electricity had shoot through him as the man's fingers traced across his skin.

"I'm not going to be able to carry on with this slow approach if you keep touching me like that," he said breathlessly, and the look in Severus' eyes told him that Severus was in a similar boat.

Harry moved his hands to the buttons of Severus' shirt and paused to allow Severus the opportunity to stop him before he began to undo the first couple. "Fancy continuing this somewhere a little more comfortable?" he asked with far more confidence than he truly felt, looking up at Severus through his lashes.

"Are you sure?" Severus asked, holding him gently at the small of his back.

Harry felt a blush creep over his cheeks and he teased his fingers lightly over Severus' collarbone, watching them as they moved. "I know I don't want this to stop," he said softly. "I don't want to go back to my room alone and try to sleep while I pretend I'm not thinking about you…like I have been doing for months," he confessed, forcing himself to look up and meet the man's eyes.

The expression there was unreadable, as it so often was, but Harry felt himself being pulled a little closer. "We can go upstairs," he said softly, and Harry felt a significant amount of butterflies settle in the pit of his stomach. He knew they wouldn't be able to stop themselves forever, and whilst he could see the sense in moving with caution, the chaste touches and kisses that they had been indulging in weren't going to continue to be enough.

"Ok," he said with a shy smile and Severus nodded. He reached for a cloth and cleaned the mess from both their faces before taking Harry's hand and leading him out of the kitchen and slowly up the stairs. Harry felt his nerves jangle within him, but he was damned if he was going to let them get in the way of something he had wanted for so long.

"Your room?" Severus asked, and Harry nodded, thinking that he would feel a little more in control if he was in familiar territory. Severus led him into the bedroom and Harry closed the door behind them, not really knowing why he was bothering, they were alone in the little cottage after all. Severus let his hand go and they stood opposite each other as Severus waved his hand towards the candles, sputtering them into life and bathing them both in warm, gentle light.

They were standing close to one another and Harry could feel his heart start to thud within his chest. He had imagined this moment so many times, but he hadn't ever thought that it would happen and so he had never imagined how nervous he would feel.

"We don't have to do anything if you don't want to," Severus said gently.

"I do want to," Harry said with a smile, "it's just…I haven't ever done this before," he said as a blush spread across his cheeks. Harry could see the surprise on Severus' face and he felt compelled to say, "I just…haven't had the opportunity, what with everything being so…"

"Harry you don't need to explain yourself to me," Severus said with a shake of his head, "I was just a little surprised that someone as…enticing as yourself hadn't been with anyone."

Harry shrugged, baffled at being referred to as enticing but charmed by it nevertheless. "The opportunity just never came up…at least…not with anyone that I didn't think would sell the story to the highest bidder the next morning."

"Ah," Severus said with an understanding nod, "I see." He placed his hand on Harry's cheek and Harry felt his stomach flutter at the tender gesture, knowing that he was making the right choice. "And are you sure that you want me to be the one to – "

"Yes," Harry said with a smile before the man could finish. "I trust you," he said softly, "and what's more, I haven't thought about anything else for months now. If you only knew how much I've wanted this."

Severus's eyebrow arched and he said, "Months?"

Harry nodded, feeling slightly embarrassed at his admission but pleased at having made it nevertheless. "You have no idea how many times I've imagined this moment."

"No pressure then?" Severus asked wryly, and Harry laughed softly before stepping forward and winding his arms around Severus' neck, pulling the man down into a soft kiss. Severus responded eagerly, and Harry felt strong arms hold him closely, pulling him up against a firm chest. He revelled in the feeling, overwhelmed by the smell of the man's soap mingled with the potions ingredients he had come to be familiar with, loving how right it felt to be in the man's arms as he held him.

His fingers went to the buttons on Severus' shirt, and he continued the job he had started earlier, slowly unbuttoning them until eventually he could slide the garment from Severus' shoulders. He pulled back slightly so he could get a good look at the man who had been the subject of so many of his late-night thoughts.

Severus' body was as he remembered from the night he had sat in Grimmauld Place as Ron patched him up, and Harry's eyes went to the scar just below the man's ribs. He reached out and ran his fingertips along it lightly, feeling Severus shiver slightly beneath his touch. He looked up and met Severus' eyes as he said softly,

"I remember when you got this."

"It's etched rather well in my mind too," Severus said with a quirk of his eyebrow.

"I don't suppose we'd be here without it. Still, it was a rather extreme way to get me on my own," Harry said with a grin, feeling some of the tension leave his body as he did so.

"Brat," Severus murmured, placing his hand on Harry's cheek and leaning down for another kiss. It felt natural to Harry, despite the flutter of nerves that were still assaulting his stomach, and as his lips moved against Severus', the action chased away all other thoughts from his head.

One of Severus' hands made its way underneath his t-shirt and a thrill of anticipation shot up his spine as the man's long fingers teased over his skin. He broke away from the kiss long enough to wrench the shirt off over his head, winding his arms around Severus' neck once again and pressing their naked torsos up against one another as Severus' hands roved up and down his sides. The man dipped his head and moved his lips to the nape of Harry's neck, Harry emitting a shuddering breath as he did so.

No one had ever touched him like this before, he had never been in this situation, and for it to be Severus that he was sharing it with was somewhat overwhelming. He had no experience in these matters, and beyond the dirty magazines Ron had leant him once, he had very little idea what he was doing. He knew the basic mechanics, he knew the kinds of things that people got up to in the bedroom, he wasn't totally naïve, but he suddenly felt very aware that he could be an earth-shattering disappointment to the man who was exploring his body with such certainty.

Severus seemed to sense his sudden hesitancy and he pulled back slightly, his fingers teasing gently across the back of Harry's neck. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"I do want to," Harry insisted. "I'm just…I'm a little nervous. I don't want to disappoint you."

"Harry," Severus said with such softness that it made Harry's breath catch, "you could never disappoint me. Just relax, let me lead."

Harry took a deep breath and nodded with a smile. "Ok, you leading is good."

Severus pressed a soft kiss to his lips then took his hand and led him over to the bed, lowering him onto it gently. "We can always stop," he said gently, "you don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with."

Harry nodded and Severus lowered his head to lay a trail of featherlight kissed along Harry's throat, down over his collarbone and along his chest. Harry closed his eyes and focused on enjoying the man's attentions. He was still nervous but he felt the feeling subside somewhat as Severus teased his exposed flesh, his hands caressing as he kissed further down Harry's torso.

Harry felt torn between the pleasure he was experiencing under Severus' strong hands and the feeling of slight absurd disbelief that the fantasies he had indulged in for so long were now coming true. He had imagined this so many times, he had imagined how it might feel to be beneath Severus, to give himself up entirely to the man, and now that it was really happening, a part of his brain simply didn't believe it.

Severus had moved lower and Harry's nerves fluttered once again as he realised that the man's hands were now on his jeans. Severus looked up and Harry met his eyes, nodding his consent as a blush spread across his cheeks. Severus undid the button then slowly unzipped the jeans, and Harry tilted his hips up to let Severus pull them and his underwear down and off. He watched as Severus' eyes raked over the entirety of his body, and he felt immensely self-conscious and exposed.

Black eyes looked up to meet his again and he tried to take a couple of deep breaths to steady himself. "Harry," Severus said, his voice low but with a unique softness to it, "you have no reason to blush, you're exquisite."

Harry bit his lip and smiled in spite of himself. A small voice in the back of his mind was telling him that Severus had only said it to mollify him, but the look in the man's eyes as he took in the sight of him was unmistakable. Severus lowered his head and Harry almost jumped out of his skin as he took Harry's bobbing erection into his mouth. No one had ever done that to him before and the sensation was overwhelming.

Severus moved up and down with his mouth and Harry grabbed hold of the bedding beneath him as pleasure rolled through him. Severus had brought his tongue into play and was swirling around the head of his cock each time his mouth moved upwards, then using the flat of his tongue as he moved downwards. He gripped the bedding harder as his body involuntarily arched upwards, pushing himself deeper into the warm wetness that was driving him insane.

The pressure was delicious, with a teasing amount of sucking and licking to play around with his senses. Harry's embarrassment was trying to win over, to make him feel discomfited with what was happening, but the sheer pleasure that he was deriving from it was all-encompassing. Severus brought his hand up to wrap around the base of Harry's cock, stroking it in time with the rhythm of his mouth, and Harry's head fell backwards as he closed his eyes against the onslaught of sensation.

It was all too much for him and he could feel the pleasure build, feel the tension coil in his stomach as his groin felt as though it had been set on fire. He tried to say something, to warn Severus, but all he could do was emit a low groan as he came hard. He had expected Severus to pull away but he kept his mouth around Harry for the whole thing, continuing to suck and swallow until he was completely spent.

He lay back against the bed, slowly loosening his grip on the sheets as he tried to get his senses under control once again. He had never felt anything like it, he had never had such a powerful orgasm and he realised that the moments spent in the dark with his right hand utterly paled in comparison. His eyes only opened again when he felt long fingers brush the hair from his forehead and he saw Severus leaning on one elbow, looking down at him with a gentle smile. It was such an alien expression but it looked utterly beautiful on the man's face.

"If you had any doubt you were in bed with a virgin, how quickly I just came should have proved it," Harry said with a blush and Severus laughed softly.

"I'm taking it as a compliment," he said, his voice low.

"You should," Harry assured him, "that was fucking amazing." He looked down to see that Severus was still in his trousers, and that there was a very obvious bulge that needed attention. "I want to…I want to do the same thing to you," he said, cursing himself for feeling so embarrassed.

"You don't have to," Severus told him, and Harry reached up to brush his fingers against Severus' cheek.

"I want to," he said firmly. "I want to touch you."

Severus leant down and placed a gentle kiss to his lips, and Harry could taste himself in the kiss, wondering if he would be able to do the same and swallow as Severus had done. Severus pulled back then stood up, dispensing himself of his trousers and underwear and chucking them in the corner of the room. Harry took the opportunity to take in the sight of the man, and he felt a thrill of arousal rush through him as he drank in his fill.

The man was wiry and thin, a little too thin around the hips, but his arms and shoulders showed sinewy muscles beneath pale and surprisingly smooth skin. Dark hair began just below his navel and lay a trail that Harry followed all the way down to his groin, his eyes falling on the proud and prominent erection. He had never touched another besides his own, but suddenly he couldn't think of anything he wanted to do more.

He reached out and pulled Severus back down onto the bed and met him with a kiss, allowing one hand to rove over the body beneath him, revelling in being able to touch where he had wanted to for so long. His tongue met Severus' as the man deepened the kiss forcefully and he allowed his hand to travel lower until it wrapped around the firm erection.

He began to move up and down in certain strokes, feeling his nerves subside somewhat. He knew what he liked when he did it himself, he knew what to do to elicit his own pleasure and he was sure that Severus' own preferences couldn't be so very different. He broke away from the kiss to murmur a charm that Ron had told him about years ago and his palm became coated in a viscous lubricant.

Severus groaned in approval and Harry felt encouraged as he began to apply a little firmer pressure, moving his hand up and down, rolling his palm over the head as he himself enjoyed. He wanted to do more though, he wanted to please Severus in the way that he had pleased him, and he broke the kiss to move his lips to the man's throat, snaking downwards over the smooth chest.

He was becoming more certain in his actions, and he felt that his trusty instinct was finally coming into play. This was not something that needed overthinking, he didn't need to pick it apart and analyse it, he just needed to go along with the rhythms that he been set and with what felt good both to give and receive. He moved lower until he reached his destination, and without giving it too much thought, wrapped his mouth around the waiting cock.

He decided to use his tongue first of all before he tried anything too adventurous, and he made a few licks and swipes, gratified by the hitch of breath he could hear from above his head. He held the base of Severus' cock firmly with his hand, both for Severus' pleasure and to steady things for himself in order to move his tongue up and down the column, alternating between the front and back of his tongue to try and give the man different sensations.

It seemed to be doing the job, and when he closed his mouth fully around the jutting erection, he felt a hand come to twine in his hair, bolstering his confidence greatly. He knew enough to cover his teeth, and he did so as he began to suck a little as he moved up and down. He tried to mimic the actions that Severus had used on him and found that it came quite naturally, and that, as his ministrations went on, he was actually starting to enjoy it.

His jaw ached a little and he had to remind himself to continue to breathe through his nose, but he was enjoying what he was doing. He remembered something he had read in one of the magazines Ron had loaned him years ago and he lowered his mouth until the head of Severus' cock nudged the back of his throat. It was an odd sensation, but he realised that he could control his reflexes quite well, and so he repeated the action several times until he heard Severus say in a breathy moan,

"Christ Harry."

It was as unguarded and uncontrolled as Harry had ever heard the man be, and he felt a thrill go through him at the thought that he had been able to reduce the man to such a state. He continued to take Severus to the back of his throat and added in a couple of hums for good measure, feeling the hand in his hair tighten as Severus' body began to tense.

"Harry, you need to move, I'm close," Severus said, but Harry had no intention of moving. He wanted to do exactly what Severus had done and so quickened his pace a little, letting his hand move in more insistent strokes, listening as Severus' breathing became more erratic. Before he knew it, the hand in his hair was gripping hard and Harry found his mouth full of Severus' release. It was an entirely alien sensation, but he did his best to maintain his composure and swallow everything, despite the odd taste.

He allowed himself a moment before he moved back up the bed and came to lie next to Severus, who tilted his head on the pillow to look across at him. "That was your first time doing that?" he asked, and Harry nodded shyly. "Fucking hell," he breathed, and Harry's face split into a grin. He moved to tuck himself into Severus' side and he rested his head on the man's shoulder as an arm came to rest around his shoulders. "You'll be the death of me," Severus said, his voice tired.

"I bloody well hope not," Harry said as he allowed his hand to trace patterns across Severus' chest. "If we don't do that a lot more, I'll be seriously pissed off."

Severus laughed and pulled Harry a little closer, placing a kiss to the top of his head. Harry smiled sleepily and wondered if perhaps Severus might let him stay the night. His question was answered when he heard Severus summon the duvet from the other bedroom, not wishing to disrupt their comfortable position by hoisting the other duvet out from underneath them.

He nestled into Severus' hold, feeling that he needed someone to pinch him to help him determine whether or not this was actually happening. It all felt too surreal, and the horribly cynical part of his brain that existed to remind him that his life was never that perfect whispered that there was no way it could last.

AN: So, I should probably explain that this fic is quite personal to me as I suffer from a chronic pain condition. It impacts my life quite badly, although thankfully I'm still able to work (mostly from home these days) and I can still do the things that I love. However, some days are really bloody difficult and I get angry and resentful at my own body and I have to try and find ways to work through that and come to terms with my own limitations. Being in pain almost constantly is really really hard to deal with and it can turn you into a nasty person if you let it. It's exhausting and demoralising, but there are ways of coping and I'm very lucky to have a very good support network around me.

I guess that, in a way, this fic is my way of addressing some of those issues and also perhaps letting others know what it's like to live like that day after day. If anyone has any questions or would like to talk to me about your own experiences with these kinds of illnesses, then please PM me, I'm happy to talk about it.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the new chapter. Please drop me a review and let me know, Cithara xx